Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I started my puncture repair business from a small flat.

Правда похожа на проститутку. Её все хотят. Но никто не любит.

Did you hear about the medical student who double majored in psychiatry and proctology? He wanted to study odds and ends.

What do you call an athletic pumpkin?

A jock o’ lantern.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

- А дизайнера можно к телефону?
- Он занят...
- А что он делает?
- Его бьют.

It's not premarital sex if you don't get married.
Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

I was robbed at the gas station today!

I called the police and they asked if I knew who did it?

I said yes, pump #6.

If Tesla made a gun, what would it be called?
Elon Musk-et.

I recently gave £100 to children in the third world or as the cynics would no doubt describe it ‘bought a pair of trainers’.

Later is the best time to do anything.

I bought myself a new Husqvarna chainsaw yesterday. The price was so good it was basically a Stihl.

- Соломон Моисеевич, почему вы всем говорите, что вы не еврей?
- Нет, вы посмотрите на него.. он запрещает мине иметь-таки свое мнение...

Плохому теоретику практика мешает.

У нас в стране всё принадлежит всем, а олигархи и чиновники просто временно хранят всё у себя.

I accidentally swallowed a load of maggots while out fishing.......
Now I'm in hospital waiting with baited breath.

Just had a train run over my foot......

Probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

Если жена сказала, что уходит, не расстраивайтесь - возможно, это просто развод.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: "I wish you were bad at math.
Genie: "Okay, done. You now have 24 wishes remaining.

"The only lies for which we are truly punished are those we tell ourselves."
By V.S. Naipaul, In A Free State

I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.

Wow! So crazy that you didn't get my email. So weird. Let me send it again.
*Me sending the email for the first time*

Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.

"To be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves."
- Alexander Pope

I was excited when my new employer sent me for a drug test.
What a waste of time, I didn’t get to test any drugs, just had to pee in a cup!

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your student loan debt.

Is pussylips one word? Or should I spread them apart?

Мочевой пузырь, он как сердце. Ему не прикажешь.

Джентльмен: человек, который любой анекдот всегда слышит впервые.

The thought of going back to life without mask worries me...
I've been mouthing "fuck you" to people for months and I'm not sure I can stop.

Q: What do kings use to measure?
A: Rulers.

My first wife was a nymphomaniac. But after five years of marriage the nympho left, leaving me with the maniac.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

How do you make an Italian wine? Insult her cooking.

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

SECRET TIP FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: If you want to be happy with a man, love him less and understand him more. But if you want to be happy with a woman, love her more and never try to understand her!

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A HOT BATH
Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot anymore!

Удав и Слонёнок встретились утром.
Удав:
- Здравствуй, хуй на морде!
Слонёнок:
- Доброе утро, морда на хую!

— Дорогая, я тебе предлагал групповой секс?
— Нет.
— Кому же я его тогда предлагал?

Говорить правду легко и приятно. А выслушивать правду в ответ — тяжело и противно.

Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. And now, you are mad at each other as well...

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE requires falling in love many times... but keep in mind it has to be always with the same person!

How do you know if Father Christmas is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws…

Не для тебя ягодка у психотерапевта лечилась.

Пока жизнь еще теплится, пиво должно быть холодным.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. rtewete fi yuo aer smrat.

"No juzgues mis decisiones si no conoces mis razones."

Being an adult means eating one slice of pizza and pretending you don't want six more.

Добро уже почти победило Зло, но тут на сторону Зла перешла Толерантность.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food. REAL FRIENDS: are the reason why you don’t have food.

Did you know that backwards spelled backwards is backwards?

I've started a job at a smoothie bar, i'm blending in nicely.

Необъяснимой эту жизнь делает плохое знание физики...

The worst part of being an adult is literally every part of being an adult

Tenemos que pensar menos, y mandar a la mierda más.

Heard that burglars used a pumpkin to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker, so now we will both be here until we're dead.

Знаете, почему проститутки не идут в депутаты? Да потому, что они привыкли выполнять взятые на себя обязательства.

Me when I was younger: I’ll never drink or smoke.
Me now: I probably won’t do crack.

Familiarity breeds children.

Facebook changed its name but does it really Meta.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween.
Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are better for the environment.

Is a sawhorse the past tense of a seahorse?

I work as a chess piece manufacturer, this week I'm on nights.

**
- Роза Марковна, почему ваш муж ничего не предпринимает,чтобы улучшить слух?
- он ждёт,когда дети таки закончат музыкальную школу.

I'm so out of shape that if somebody yells, "Run for your life!", I'Il be like, You guys go on ahead. I'm going to meet Jesus.

Доктор – пациенту:
– Хаим, что-то вы сегодня плохо выглядите.
– Ха, доктор, думаете вы большой красавец?

Fishermen don't watch much cable. They prefer livestreams.

I wasn’t born gay, it’s just how I was reared.

– ¿Conoces la canción de la nalga?
– No...
– ¿Te la toco?

Saw two gentlemen on the street arguing over a bus pass.
It was a fare fight.

Facebook status - -I am done with this shit- Me -
-Did you wipe?-

In Asia, he's Yeti. In America, he's Bigfoot.
In the UK, he's Bigmeter.

Germany implies the existence of Gerfew.

If you put a map of your country on the floor, there will be a point on the map that is touching the actual point it refers to.

Фаберже был богатейшим ювелиром. Но грянула революция и большевики взяли его за яйца!