Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

I was going to do a joke about the difference between cats and dogs but I think it’s a bit two petty.

If you can't get a lawyer that knows the law, at least get one that knows the judge!

Thought about selling laxative stocks because apparently there’s a lot of movement.

I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting.
It’s not my strong suit.

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen "shots".

Co-worker: I just got offered a job working with 500 people under me!
Me: oh really! Wow, doing what?
Co-worker: cutting grass at a grave yard!

Got advice from a mystic about how to get more followers on Twitter.
What a great social medium.

I think my local garage is trying to rip me off!

Does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

Envergadura: Parte de la anatomia humana donde se colocan los condones.

EN-VERGA-DURA.

—Oye, ¿me besas? Es para una tarea.
—Me vale, reprueba.
—Ay :'(

Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake!

Everyone has that -make the other person sound incredibly stupid- voice when describing an argument.

I Might change my electricity company. I'm Not happy with my current provider.

According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."

The magnitude of a Dad joke is measured on a sighsmograph.

I am asking for a friend, ok? Why are hemorrhoids such a pain in the ass?

Finally found a drive-in theater.
I went to see Closed for the Winter and almost froze to death.

Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

What’s grey and can’t fly? A parking lot.

My wife gave me an obstacle course for my birthday and I still haven’t got over it.

Дорогие женщины, никогда не произносите фразу: "Такое может сделать только мужчина" в негативном смысле. Помните, что каждую из вас тоже сделал именно мужчина.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?

Who wants to know?

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? Hold his nose.

Sloths are terrible story tellers. They've only got one tail.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Albert King

A dessert dreamed of flying. It was pie in the sky.

"The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

By Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

No matter how many people around you think are stupid, you are low-balling that estimate.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

By André Gide, Autumn Leaves

MY WIFE dresses to kill...
and she cooks the same way!

Don't text me while I'm texting you.
Now I have to go back and change my text.

Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it.
Took a little longer than I thought it would.

Sleep is for losers, we overthink.

My wife just called me on the Walkie Talkie.

Our marriage is... over

Wonder what she wants?

I've just started my new job packing fish at a local factory but it's only casual.
— Ad hoc?
— No, it's mainly kippers

Confucius say...He who jumps out of airplane without parachute, is jumping to conclusion.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline
and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."
Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Q: Why are Penguins good at racing cars?
A: Because they're always in Pole Position.

Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.

Anyone else notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated” ?

Eggs dont fall in love but they always have crushes.

Got a cousin who's so claustrophobic he can't even listen to Crowded House.

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.
Me: Well… what do we do now?
Wife: I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm... I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Even if I agree with your bumper sticker 100%, I still think less of you for having a bumper sticker.

If u ever get a chance to date a cute person for one day where will u take me ?

“The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”
– J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

My new jacket is reversible, as it turns out...

We have parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when my wife wasn't home.

- Убийца был воспитанным человеком!
- Почему вы так решили?
- Все удары ножом нанесены справа, а вилкой слева.

I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year around the holidays.

The key to happiness is a poor memory.

Ever been in a situation where you know someone is lying to you, but you sit there waiting to see how far they'll take it?

I was in a French restaurant and said to the waiter “this beef tastes like fish”. He said “that’s because one mans meat is another mans poisson”.

Ever looked at your bestfriend and thought -why aren't we comedians-?

I dropped my phone in some pastry without noticing and put it in the oven. I made an Apple pie.

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I'd so tap that."

The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn't want.

Even the future's not what it used to be.

Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal.

Can't stop thinking about how Robert Plant tried to sneeze for like a solid minute on Whole Lotta Love.

I used to work at a tampon factory, had to pull a few strings to get that job....

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.

J. R. R. TOLKIEN

It's all well and good until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.

That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you're stupid.

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

I've just finished reading the dictionary.
Turns out the zebra did it.

I dreamed last night that I was on stage, singing "Shiny Happy People". I assume this dream occurred during REM sleep.

I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I've managed to conker my fear.

- Натан Моисеевич, а шо такое идеальная жена?
- Это - как моя Сара, Яша. Родилась 8 марта, познакомились мы с ней 8 марта и поженились тоже 8 марта. Подумай сам, какая таки экономия на подарках!

Мы в ответе за тех, кого возбудили.

People seemed older when they were the age we are now.

«Зоомагазин примет на работу самку продавца».

Когда Игорь наконец-то бросил пить и курить, его жена обратила внимание на другие недостатки.

What color can you eat?
Orange.