Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My husband says he doesn’t hold on to the past but there’s an old coffee can filled with screws that suggests otherwise.

Facebook is changing it's name to Meta, which is ironic since we never met most of the people we're friends with on Facebook.

Interviewer: great resumé, but can you explain the gap in your front teeth?

He died doing what he loved, asking a wheelchair user if they have a license for that thing.

What do you call a man with a shoe on his head?
Anything you like, guy’s got a shoe on his head.

- Многие современные дети ведут себя так, что хочется дать им "леща"!
- Для этого у них есть родители...
- А вот их родителей не мешало бы пиздить всерьез!

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.

I've just read a great book "Driving fast in Germany" by Otto Bahn.

I do two hours of cardio every day...

But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

Best way to get out of a habit is to become an undercover monk.

Do feminist ever say they are MENtally stable ?

- Батюшка, что это у вас зрачки расширены?
- У меня приход!

Your small dick only proves one thing; your circumcision took more than one try.

Q: Where do you most often find onions having a drink ?
A: In the salad bar.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

This generation wanted to change the world but ended up changing their gender and called it pride.

Direction is much more important than speed.

Double negatives don’t make no sense...
I am Positive about that!

I went for a job as a sandwich maker yesterday, but sadly no luck...... when i got there, the roll had already been filled....

"One day all this will be yours" my dad said, running his hand over his bald head and explaining the basics of hereditary baldness.

I have asked my kids millions of times not to exaggerate!

Tracking down the French bread thief was quite painstaking.

Тетя Сара, а ваш маленький Изя ест газету!
– Пускай ест, она вчерашняя

Психиатр:

- Фира Арнольдовна, А бывали ли у Вас в семье случаи "Мания Величия?"
- Бывали! Муж иногда заявляет, что он "Глава Семьи...

What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

The oil may be in Texas , But the dipsticks are in Washington D.C. 🇺🇸

Dad listen, I'm Sherlock Holmes new sidekick.

You're what son?

Ghosts don't like rain because it dampens their spirits.

If you seek happiness, master the art of patience, for this is half the battle.

Фира, сколько вы весите? – В очках сто двадцать килограммов.
– А без очков? – А без очков я не вижу весы.

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

Mary had a little lamb...
...and the nurses in the delivery room were FREAKING OUT.

A friend bought me the wrong charity magazine today. It's not a Big Issue.

Just trained snakes to clean the glass on my car. They're my Windshield Vipers.

You know you've reached MIDDLE AGE when who tells you to SLOW DOWN is your doctor and not a cop!

Saw a new gaming table in the casino, it was just perfect. Pair-a-dice.

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."
- Albert Einstein

Mike Tyson is so religious he punches people right in the faith.

That awkward moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.

...А я ведь настолько стар, что еще помню времена, когда Клинтон и Собчак были мужчинами, а Вачовски - братьями...

Today my boss told me she thinks my written communication skills are better than my verbal communication skills.
I couldn't think of anything to say.

Знаете, почему рыбак рыбака видит издалека?
Потому что он с удочками, в сапогах и пьяный.

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

I was going to do a joke about the difference between cats and dogs but I think it’s a bit two petty.

If you can't get a lawyer that knows the law, at least get one that knows the judge!

Thought about selling laxative stocks because apparently there’s a lot of movement.

I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting.
It’s not my strong suit.

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen "shots".

Co-worker: I just got offered a job working with 500 people under me!
Me: oh really! Wow, doing what?
Co-worker: cutting grass at a grave yard!

Got advice from a mystic about how to get more followers on Twitter.
What a great social medium.

I think my local garage is trying to rip me off!

Does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

Envergadura: Parte de la anatomia humana donde se colocan los condones.

EN-VERGA-DURA.

—Oye, ¿me besas? Es para una tarea.
—Me vale, reprueba.
—Ay :'(

Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake!

Everyone has that -make the other person sound incredibly stupid- voice when describing an argument.

I Might change my electricity company. I'm Not happy with my current provider.

According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."

The magnitude of a Dad joke is measured on a sighsmograph.

I am asking for a friend, ok? Why are hemorrhoids such a pain in the ass?

Finally found a drive-in theater.
I went to see Closed for the Winter and almost froze to death.

Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

What’s grey and can’t fly? A parking lot.

My wife gave me an obstacle course for my birthday and I still haven’t got over it.

Дорогие женщины, никогда не произносите фразу: "Такое может сделать только мужчина" в негативном смысле. Помните, что каждую из вас тоже сделал именно мужчина.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?

Who wants to know?

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? Hold his nose.

Sloths are terrible story tellers. They've only got one tail.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Albert King

A dessert dreamed of flying. It was pie in the sky.

"The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

By Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

No matter how many people around you think are stupid, you are low-balling that estimate.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

By André Gide, Autumn Leaves

MY WIFE dresses to kill...
and she cooks the same way!

Don't text me while I'm texting you.
Now I have to go back and change my text.

Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it.
Took a little longer than I thought it would.

Sleep is for losers, we overthink.