Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've just started my new job packing fish at a local factory but it's only casual.
— Ad hoc?
— No, it's mainly kippers

Confucius say...He who jumps out of airplane without parachute, is jumping to conclusion.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline
and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."
Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Q: Why are Penguins good at racing cars?
A: Because they're always in Pole Position.

Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.

Anyone else notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated” ?

Eggs dont fall in love but they always have crushes.

Got a cousin who's so claustrophobic he can't even listen to Crowded House.

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.
Me: Well… what do we do now?
Wife: I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm... I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Even if I agree with your bumper sticker 100%, I still think less of you for having a bumper sticker.

If u ever get a chance to date a cute person for one day where will u take me ?

“The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”
– J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

My new jacket is reversible, as it turns out...

We have parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when my wife wasn't home.

- Убийца был воспитанным человеком!
- Почему вы так решили?
- Все удары ножом нанесены справа, а вилкой слева.

I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year around the holidays.

The key to happiness is a poor memory.

Ever been in a situation where you know someone is lying to you, but you sit there waiting to see how far they'll take it?

I was in a French restaurant and said to the waiter “this beef tastes like fish”. He said “that’s because one mans meat is another mans poisson”.

Ever looked at your bestfriend and thought -why aren't we comedians-?

I dropped my phone in some pastry without noticing and put it in the oven. I made an Apple pie.

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.

“Every time you light a lighter,the lighter the lighter is”.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I'd so tap that."

The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn't want.

Even the future's not what it used to be.

Enjoy life, this is not a dress rehearsal.

Can't stop thinking about how Robert Plant tried to sneeze for like a solid minute on Whole Lotta Love.

I used to work at a tampon factory, had to pull a few strings to get that job....

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.

J. R. R. TOLKIEN

It's all well and good until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.

That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you're stupid.

"Understand me. I am not an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I don't have time for things that have no soul.”
~ Charles Bukowski

I've just finished reading the dictionary.
Turns out the zebra did it.

I dreamed last night that I was on stage, singing "Shiny Happy People". I assume this dream occurred during REM sleep.

I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I've managed to conker my fear.

- Натан Моисеевич, а шо такое идеальная жена?
- Это - как моя Сара, Яша. Родилась 8 марта, познакомились мы с ней 8 марта и поженились тоже 8 марта. Подумай сам, какая таки экономия на подарках!

Мы в ответе за тех, кого возбудили.

People seemed older when they were the age we are now.

«Зоомагазин примет на работу самку продавца».

Когда Игорь наконец-то бросил пить и курить, его жена обратила внимание на другие недостатки.

What color can you eat?
Orange.

Hello. I’m available right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

I'm so glad my parents named me Paul (because that's what EVERYONE calls me)!

Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn't. Stupid enough to do it anyway.

Фитнес-браслеты - те же тамагочи, с той лишь разницей, что тупое животное, которому ты пытаешься не дать сдохнуть - это ты.

Ser diferente es fácil, lo difícil es parecerse a uno mismo.

Eating popcorn - 95% during the trailers, 5% during the movie.

I'm not allowed to do yoga on the plane, even though i have my pilates license.

—¿Tienes Wi-Fi?
—Claro.
—¿Cuál es la clave?
—Tener dinero y pagarlo.

How does Sean Connery shave?
CTRL + S.

I don't usually have sex on dates, but when I do they are dry.

My new smartphone thinks I’m a good photographer. I took one photo with the camera, and it asked me if I want to open a gallery.

Ожидания: Купить виллу в Испании.
Реальность: Спиздил вилку в Геленджике.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

GirlfriEND
BoyfriEND
FriEND
Todo tiene un (END)
Excepto Rexona, Rexona no te abandona.

Cleaning actually isn't bad unless someone asks you to do it.

I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

Если бы бабушка была дедушкой, то ушла бы на пенсию на пять лет позже.

What did the nurse say when she was asked why the sheriff didn't get sick but his second in command did?
I Shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.

What do you call a typo on a headstone ?
A grave mistake.

Pro Tip - yell out a bunch of stuff you want for Fathers Day near your spouses phone. Facebook ads will take care of the rest.

Managed to cut my insurance bill in half. Stil costs the same, just got carried away with some scissors.

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?
Colgate.

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'
We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

Пустой голове и полный карман не поможет.

«Цирк примет на работу ещё десять воздушных гимнастов».

Why is Father Christmas never on zoom?
His screen freezes.

My dad died in the middle of eating KFC. The worst part was when he kicked the bucket.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

А мне нравится наш президент, вроде самый осведомлённый на Земле человек, а всё равно - оптимист.

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

Lollipops is just swallowing your own flavored saliva.

Today I learned: You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.

I filled out my jury selection acceptance form with green and red crayons...and they just very politely sent me home.

I can definitely see the wisdom in going back to sleep.
That's my pillowsophy.

When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe.