Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Hello. I’m available right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

I'm so glad my parents named me Paul (because that's what EVERYONE calls me)!

Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn't. Stupid enough to do it anyway.

Фитнес-браслеты - те же тамагочи, с той лишь разницей, что тупое животное, которому ты пытаешься не дать сдохнуть - это ты.

Ser diferente es fácil, lo difícil es parecerse a uno mismo.

Eating popcorn - 95% during the trailers, 5% during the movie.

I'm not allowed to do yoga on the plane, even though i have my pilates license.

—¿Tienes Wi-Fi?
—Claro.
—¿Cuál es la clave?
—Tener dinero y pagarlo.

How does Sean Connery shave?
CTRL + S.

I don't usually have sex on dates, but when I do they are dry.

My new smartphone thinks I’m a good photographer. I took one photo with the camera, and it asked me if I want to open a gallery.

Ожидания: Купить виллу в Испании.
Реальность: Спиздил вилку в Геленджике.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

GirlfriEND
BoyfriEND
FriEND
Todo tiene un (END)
Excepto Rexona, Rexona no te abandona.

Cleaning actually isn't bad unless someone asks you to do it.

I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

Если бы бабушка была дедушкой, то ушла бы на пенсию на пять лет позже.

What did the nurse say when she was asked why the sheriff didn't get sick but his second in command did?
I Shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.

What do you call a typo on a headstone ?
A grave mistake.

Pro Tip - yell out a bunch of stuff you want for Fathers Day near your spouses phone. Facebook ads will take care of the rest.

Managed to cut my insurance bill in half. Stil costs the same, just got carried away with some scissors.

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?
Colgate.

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'
We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

Пустой голове и полный карман не поможет.

«Цирк примет на работу ещё десять воздушных гимнастов».

Why is Father Christmas never on zoom?
His screen freezes.

My dad died in the middle of eating KFC. The worst part was when he kicked the bucket.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

А мне нравится наш президент, вроде самый осведомлённый на Земле человек, а всё равно - оптимист.

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

Lollipops is just swallowing your own flavored saliva.

Today I learned: You can't talk while inhaling through your nose.

I filled out my jury selection acceptance form with green and red crayons...and they just very politely sent me home.

I can definitely see the wisdom in going back to sleep.
That's my pillowsophy.

When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe.

A friend’s desire to always think outside the box ended his career as a goalkeeper.

If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

Just washed my Hair with Johnson's Shampoo.
Boris was Livid.

I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.
But he was spotted.

“To the dumb question "Why me?" the cosmos barely bothers to return the reply: why not?“
Christopher Hitchens

Taking off your glasses to focus on thinking is the human version of lowering graphics to increase speed

Q: How are false teeth like stars?
A: They come out at night!

During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
- Bus shelters.

Can anyone tell me where Jepardy is?
I'm unemployed and they've just said on the news that there's 2000 jobs in Jepardy.

Me: *sexy voice* I’ve got my grey sweatpants on

Wife: You know I’ve already seen you naked, right?

Me: Oh right. Married

Wife: And put that cucumber back in the fridge.

What do you do for exercise?
I lift weights.

What do you do for cardio?
I lift weights faster.

Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
The teacher told him not to use tables.

What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping...
David Beckham warned me that this might happen.

Why don't the Seven Dwarves drink ?
Because they're all miners.

- What do you do for a living?
- I throw surprise parties.
- Oh. That’s not what I expected.
- Yeh. That’s the idea.

I was tempted to try chocolate covered crickets, but I was afraid of getting a stomach bug.

Have you ever seen a depressed Atom?
It's no laughing matter.

A clown decided to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son said, ‘I don’t know dad, those are big shoes to fill’.

Судя по женским сайтам, настоящий мужчина постоянно кому-то чё-то должен.

I've received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training programme.

I accidentally put my penis in brass instrument. Now I'm on the sax offenders list.

It's cute when a dog stares at you and tilts his head when he doesn't understand what you're saying, but apparently it's annoying when a husband does it.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

What question can you never answer "Yes" to?
What does "N-O" spell?

Ignorar es una forma de matar pero sin ensuciarte las manos.

Típicas mentiras de mujeres:
-No tengo que ponerme
-Estoy lista en cinco minutos
-No estoy enojada
-Te ves súper bien

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The term
"Dad Bod"
is so offensive
I prefer...
"Father Figure"

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

My daughter treats me like a god, she doesn't think i exist until she wants something.

My girlfriend said we should stop seeing each other, so I’ve taken the hint and bought us blindfolds for Christmas.

За углом стояли трое: он, она и у него.

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.
It's an age thing.

Police have arrested a man on suspicion of stealing a sign saying "and Emergency". He claims he found it by Accident.

Why did the artist only take showers? -They couldn’t draw a bath!

A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test. She wasn't his type.

A bald chap I know never uses keys now. He's lost his locks.

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.