Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If we get rid of all the margarine, the world will be a butter place.

My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.

Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.

— Oye pero... ¿Podemos seguir siendo amigos?
— Sí, pero de otras personas.

Cuantos traductores necesitamos para cambiar una bombilla ?
Depende del contexto.

- What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?
- Pop music.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Q: What do you call a fish who raps?
A: Swim Shady.

I attended a rock concert performed by Styx and the Rolling Stones.
I returned with broken bones.

- What do you call a cow that plays the guitar ?
- A moo-sician.

A screwdriver makes a better hammer than a hammer makes a screwdriver.

If news presenters break news, do weather presenters break wind ?

When your wife or girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?

Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

— Дорогой, разожги во мне костёр любви. Или хотя бы спичкой почиркай.

Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

Mushrooms. The breakfast of champignons.

Do teeth taste like nothing or does your mouth just get used to the taste of your teeth ?

How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

"We are dying from overthinking.
We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything.
Think. Think. Think.
You can never trust the human mind anyway. It's a death trap."
― Sir Anthony Hopkins

3 Rules of Programmer:
1.If your code works don't touch it.
2.If your code works don't touch it.
3.If your code works don't touch it.

- Where do animals do online meetings?
- Zoo-m.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...
May he erect a penis.

Had a go at a palindrome competition and won top spot.

Q: Why did the exercise expert go to the beach?
A: To get some mussels!.

К одесситу подходит приезжий с чемоданом:
— Скажите, если я пойду по этой улице, там будет железнодорожный вокзал?
— Знаете, он там будет, даже если вы туда не пойдете.

I texted you a pun earlier today, but you didn't respond.
Did you not get it?

Why did Mr. Hass refuse to move to France?
The French are famous for not pronouncing the letter ‘H’.

Customer: Do you have cotton balls?
Pharmacist: What? Do you think I’m a teddy bear?

Все, что важно, не бывает срочно. Все, что срочно — только суета.
Сян-Цзы

my drug of choice is the love i get from jesus .
im jus playin , it’s weed.

I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

I'm married to Steffi Graff's sister,
Polly Graff.
I won't lie to you.

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…

I have a good friend that is a theoretical physicist but he can't prove it.

You can't buy happiness, but you can pay a babysitter which is essentially the same thing.

It was so windy today that the chickens laid the same eggs twice.

Calling someone Karen is boring, call them cunt like an adult.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn't work on me.

Once I told my son, "You need to learn patience,
and you need to learn it right now!"

Don't judge a persons choices if you don't understand their reasons.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers.

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Why does the man eat yeast and shoe polish before he goes to sleep?

So that he can rise and shine.

Чем меньше знаний, тем крепче убеждения.
Виктор Шендерович

You can't say "filet mignon" without sounding snobby.

"I don't get the whole fuss about
Alec Baldwin...
He was just shooting
a movie" 🤭

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my dad said that wasn't going to fly.

I visited Charles Dickens house of
birth.
His kitchen spice rack had the best of thymes and the worst of thymes.

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

Think my friend's new girlfriend is a keeper. She's got a pair of goalie gloves.

James Bond wasn't even a good secret agent, someone managed to film everything he did.

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

My mates call me 'The Brick'.
I'm not hard, it's just that I've only been laid once.

I'm just saying if you put your hair in a bun...
McDonald's WILL fire you.

I didn't know what a glory hole was. Now I regret looking into it.

I just completed anger management training.
It really works.
Management is really pissed at me now!

Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...

Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a color photo of a panda or a zebra.

If your rifle’s not working properly, get the owners manual and go to the troubleshooting section.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated... but can’t pronounce it.

My son video called me this morning. He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?"

A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

Why did the banana call the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!

I've been patiently waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy still hasn't brought it back.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

Сначала на литературе нас учат выдумывать, что хотел сказать автор, а потом удивляются, как ты так себя накрутил...

Don't watch the clock, do what it does, keep going.

I launched my own clothing line this week. I knew I shouldn't have lit the fireworks near the washing.

Unfortunately my Horse Toto couldn't race today.
I left his reins down in Africa.

A friend of mine lost his job at a fish supplies company. He opened a whole can of worms.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

“Creativity is intelligence having fun.”
— Albert Einstein.

Before Facebook, bumper stickers, t-shirts and bathroom walls were how we shared memes.

- Сынок, а кто у вас в садике самый сильный?
- Конечно, воспитательница!