Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A friend’s desire to always think outside the box ended his career as a goalkeeper.

If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

Just washed my Hair with Johnson's Shampoo.
Boris was Livid.

I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.
But he was spotted.

“To the dumb question "Why me?" the cosmos barely bothers to return the reply: why not?“
Christopher Hitchens

Taking off your glasses to focus on thinking is the human version of lowering graphics to increase speed

Q: How are false teeth like stars?
A: They come out at night!

During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
- Bus shelters.

Can anyone tell me where Jepardy is?
I'm unemployed and they've just said on the news that there's 2000 jobs in Jepardy.

Me: *sexy voice* I’ve got my grey sweatpants on

Wife: You know I’ve already seen you naked, right?

Me: Oh right. Married

Wife: And put that cucumber back in the fridge.

What do you do for exercise?
I lift weights.

What do you do for cardio?
I lift weights faster.

Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
The teacher told him not to use tables.

What is yellow, with big white hands and feet, and gets stranded in netting ?
A Scottish goalkeeper.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping...
David Beckham warned me that this might happen.

Why don't the Seven Dwarves drink ?
Because they're all miners.

- What do you do for a living?
- I throw surprise parties.
- Oh. That’s not what I expected.
- Yeh. That’s the idea.

I was tempted to try chocolate covered crickets, but I was afraid of getting a stomach bug.

Have you ever seen a depressed Atom?
It's no laughing matter.

A clown decided to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son said, ‘I don’t know dad, those are big shoes to fill’.

Судя по женским сайтам, настоящий мужчина постоянно кому-то чё-то должен.

I've received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training programme.

I accidentally put my penis in brass instrument. Now I'm on the sax offenders list.

It's cute when a dog stares at you and tilts his head when he doesn't understand what you're saying, but apparently it's annoying when a husband does it.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

What question can you never answer "Yes" to?
What does "N-O" spell?

Ignorar es una forma de matar pero sin ensuciarte las manos.

Típicas mentiras de mujeres:
-No tengo que ponerme
-Estoy lista en cinco minutos
-No estoy enojada
-Te ves súper bien

Пользуйтесь моментом, займите у антиваксеров денег!

The term
"Dad Bod"
is so offensive
I prefer...
"Father Figure"

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

My daughter treats me like a god, she doesn't think i exist until she wants something.

My girlfriend said we should stop seeing each other, so I’ve taken the hint and bought us blindfolds for Christmas.

За углом стояли трое: он, она и у него.

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.
It's an age thing.

Police have arrested a man on suspicion of stealing a sign saying "and Emergency". He claims he found it by Accident.

Why did the artist only take showers? -They couldn’t draw a bath!

A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test. She wasn't his type.

A bald chap I know never uses keys now. He's lost his locks.

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

If we get rid of all the margarine, the world will be a butter place.

My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.

Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.

— Oye pero... ¿Podemos seguir siendo amigos?
— Sí, pero de otras personas.

Cuantos traductores necesitamos para cambiar una bombilla ?
Depende del contexto.

- What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?
- Pop music.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Q: What do you call a fish who raps?
A: Swim Shady.

I attended a rock concert performed by Styx and the Rolling Stones.
I returned with broken bones.

- What do you call a cow that plays the guitar ?
- A moo-sician.

A screwdriver makes a better hammer than a hammer makes a screwdriver.

If news presenters break news, do weather presenters break wind ?

When your wife or girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?

Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

— Дорогой, разожги во мне костёр любви. Или хотя бы спичкой почиркай.

Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

Mushrooms. The breakfast of champignons.

Do teeth taste like nothing or does your mouth just get used to the taste of your teeth ?

How do you know when a Christian is angry?
They are cross with you.

"We are dying from overthinking.
We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything.
Think. Think. Think.
You can never trust the human mind anyway. It's a death trap."
― Sir Anthony Hopkins

3 Rules of Programmer:
1.If your code works don't touch it.
2.If your code works don't touch it.
3.If your code works don't touch it.

- Where do animals do online meetings?
- Zoo-m.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

Approximately 10 local road maintenance workers went missing over the weekend. Luckily, they resurfaced on Monday.

So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...
May he erect a penis.

Had a go at a palindrome competition and won top spot.

Q: Why did the exercise expert go to the beach?
A: To get some mussels!.

К одесситу подходит приезжий с чемоданом:
— Скажите, если я пойду по этой улице, там будет железнодорожный вокзал?
— Знаете, он там будет, даже если вы туда не пойдете.

I texted you a pun earlier today, but you didn't respond.
Did you not get it?

Why did Mr. Hass refuse to move to France?
The French are famous for not pronouncing the letter ‘H’.

Customer: Do you have cotton balls?
Pharmacist: What? Do you think I’m a teddy bear?

Все, что важно, не бывает срочно. Все, что срочно — только суета.
Сян-Цзы

my drug of choice is the love i get from jesus .
im jus playin , it’s weed.

I've just bought a giraffe online. Not sure if it will be delivered though, I suspect it's a tall order.

Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

I'm married to Steffi Graff's sister,
Polly Graff.
I won't lie to you.