Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just started taking a Carpenters' class. We haven't made anything yet. We've Only Just Begun.

Did you know?
Stack overflow developers
Developed the stack overflow without the help of stack overflow.

— здравствуйте, а саша выйдет на связь с космосом?
— нет, он погряз в стереотипах.
— а скиньте оковы сознания.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Bake a cake with rum or beer and nobody reacts. Bake a cake with Laxative, and everyone loses their shit.

If Elton John were a small garden statuette he would be a gnomosexual

В школе как-то раз делала математику... Открылась дверь... Пришлось делать ещё и физруку.

Why did the little girl take her bicycle to bed with her?

Because she didn’t want to sleepwalk.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

- Здравствуйте, Яков Моисеевич! Как ваше никому не нужное здоровье?

Don' t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.

Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

That awkward moment when someone is crying, and you can't control your laughter.

I ordered a book called "101 Binary Jokes", it was a disappointingly short read.

Ice is just water going through some hard time.

Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

What do you call a famous turtle?

A shellebrity.

I saw a list of 100 books you must read before you die, so as long as I avoid reading them I’ll live forever.

MY HUSBAND AND I are doing workshop. He works and I shop!

A biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves,

I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul.

Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

I got sacked from my film set design job, I just left without making a scene.

My wife said I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment...

Что делать, если хочу прийти в себя, а там закрыто?

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

Вегетарианцы не стареют - они вянут.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
Claude.

I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

Winter sports fans need to accept it; Skiing is going downhill.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

I sleep in the past tense, the rest is history.

I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.

I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.

У Сергея так давно не было секса, что его стали возбуждать таблички
ВХОД и ВЫХОД.

I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.

Swede car online......

When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

Одесса. Привоз. Воскресная толкучка. Женщины примеряют шляпы.
Вдруг громкий возглас продавщицы:
- Где это чучело, шо шляпу меряло?! Сбежала, шо ли?!
- Да тут я, тут.
- Ой, мадам Кац, вас просто не узнать! Богиня, красавица, ну, настоящая графиня!

Vampires are just human-sized mosquitos.

Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
Boss: How long?
Me: Just a normal sized bed..

A friend of mine got into wearing camouflage so much that I don't see him anymore.

Just had some amazing ideas for a quartet of hit songs - gonna make a four tune!

I wrote a limerick about snorting cocaine, where the 3rd and 4th lines are the shortest.

Q: Why was the computer so tired after his road trip?
A: He had a hard drive.

Jokes about the search for eternal youth never get old.

Самое грустное в браке -
это когда любовница
выходит замуж.

I remain very skeptical and suspicious of organic foods.
I keep hearing about people dying from natural cause.

I told my therapist so much about my mother that he doesn't like her either.

Big Bang Theory was just "Friends" with advanced degrees and fewer social skills...

Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

If you ever hear me breathe deeply it's not because I'm annoyed it's because I forget to breathe sometimes.

Анжела была сильной, независимой женщиной, и привыкла добиваться всего сама. Оргазм не был исключением.

Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

It's been established that Napoléon Bonaparte once yelled out, 'Hey Jo! - there's no water in the loo'! The rest is his story,...

For 20 years I received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. I didn’t get one this year. First Gran dies, now this.

It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Viagra and Pepsi have teamed up to make a new drink. All i can say is it wont be a soft drink.

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town.

Человек как батарейка: есть плюсы, есть минусы. Может сесть.

На приёме у врача:
- Самуил Яковлевич, самое лучшее для вас - бросить пить, курить и спать с женщинами.
- Доктор, мне бы чего-нибудь похуже - недостоин я самого лучшего.

- Ты девственница?
- Ну... Есть немного.

Dora the Explorer is raising a baby cow. You should see it. It’s a Dora bull.

I tell you who could always see right through people, my ex Ray.

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

She: My boyfriend is a programmer he will hack your world into Oblivion.

The boyfriend: How to declare variable in HTML.

Why can't Ghosts have Children?
They have Hollow Weenies!

Why can't Frankenstein have Children?
His Nuts are in His Neck!

Contrary to popular belief, money can buy Happiness.

However, that’s just
her stage name...

What group of people never get angry?
The nomads.

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

James Bond missed
his hair colouring appointment.
Would he
Dye Another Day?

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”

― Mark Twain

В здоровых отношениях мужчина должен принимать решения, а женщина - говорить какие.

One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem.

Dear Toilet: Please Flush. Sincerely, at my girlfriend’s house.

It was so hot today, I took off all my clothes and opened all the windows, it was such a relief.
Mind you, the other people on the bus didn't look too happy...