Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…

I have a good friend that is a theoretical physicist but he can't prove it.

You can't buy happiness, but you can pay a babysitter which is essentially the same thing.

It was so windy today that the chickens laid the same eggs twice.

Calling someone Karen is boring, call them cunt like an adult.

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn't work on me.

Once I told my son, "You need to learn patience,
and you need to learn it right now!"

Don't judge a persons choices if you don't understand their reasons.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers.

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Why does the man eat yeast and shoe polish before he goes to sleep?

So that he can rise and shine.

Чем меньше знаний, тем крепче убеждения.
Виктор Шендерович

You can't say "filet mignon" without sounding snobby.

"I don't get the whole fuss about
Alec Baldwin...
He was just shooting
a movie" 🤭

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my dad said that wasn't going to fly.

I visited Charles Dickens house of
birth.
His kitchen spice rack had the best of thymes and the worst of thymes.

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

Think my friend's new girlfriend is a keeper. She's got a pair of goalie gloves.

James Bond wasn't even a good secret agent, someone managed to film everything he did.

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

My mates call me 'The Brick'.
I'm not hard, it's just that I've only been laid once.

I'm just saying if you put your hair in a bun...
McDonald's WILL fire you.

I didn't know what a glory hole was. Now I regret looking into it.

I just completed anger management training.
It really works.
Management is really pissed at me now!

Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...

Me: "You said dress for the job you want."
Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a color photo of a panda or a zebra.

If your rifle’s not working properly, get the owners manual and go to the troubleshooting section.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated... but can’t pronounce it.

My son video called me this morning. He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?"

A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

Why did the banana call the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!

I've been patiently waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy still hasn't brought it back.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.

Сначала на литературе нас учат выдумывать, что хотел сказать автор, а потом удивляются, как ты так себя накрутил...

Don't watch the clock, do what it does, keep going.

I launched my own clothing line this week. I knew I shouldn't have lit the fireworks near the washing.

Unfortunately my Horse Toto couldn't race today.
I left his reins down in Africa.

A friend of mine lost his job at a fish supplies company. He opened a whole can of worms.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

“Creativity is intelligence having fun.”
— Albert Einstein.

Before Facebook, bumper stickers, t-shirts and bathroom walls were how we shared memes.

- Сынок, а кто у вас в садике самый сильный?
- Конечно, воспитательница!

I just started taking a Carpenters' class. We haven't made anything yet. We've Only Just Begun.

Did you know?
Stack overflow developers
Developed the stack overflow without the help of stack overflow.

— здравствуйте, а саша выйдет на связь с космосом?
— нет, он погряз в стереотипах.
— а скиньте оковы сознания.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Bake a cake with rum or beer and nobody reacts. Bake a cake with Laxative, and everyone loses their shit.

If Elton John were a small garden statuette he would be a gnomosexual

В школе как-то раз делала математику... Открылась дверь... Пришлось делать ещё и физруку.

Why did the little girl take her bicycle to bed with her?

Because she didn’t want to sleepwalk.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

- Здравствуйте, Яков Моисеевич! Как ваше никому не нужное здоровье?

Don' t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.

Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

That awkward moment when someone is crying, and you can't control your laughter.

I ordered a book called "101 Binary Jokes", it was a disappointingly short read.

Ice is just water going through some hard time.

Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

What do you call a famous turtle?

A shellebrity.

I saw a list of 100 books you must read before you die, so as long as I avoid reading them I’ll live forever.

MY HUSBAND AND I are doing workshop. He works and I shop!

A biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves,

I suppose when you've seen one lion catch a zebra, you've seen a maul.

Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

I got sacked from my film set design job, I just left without making a scene.

My wife said I twist everything she says to my advantage. I'll take that as a compliment...

Что делать, если хочу прийти в себя, а там закрыто?

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

Вегетарианцы не стареют - они вянут.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
Claude.

I met an amazing sniper with dialectical view of social transformation...

He was the greatest Marxman I ever knew!

Winter sports fans need to accept it; Skiing is going downhill.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.

I sleep in the past tense, the rest is history.

I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.

I almost put my foot on the bathroom sink earlier, then remembered I'm not a millennial.