Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I can always tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs.

When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it's urgent.

At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

DID YOU KNOW that exercise can add years to your life?! OH YES! For example, I've just ran 2 miles and now I feel like I’m 82...

When a left-hander writes with his left hand, does his left hand become his write hand. I say yes. Even though I am left-handed, am I right?

When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

It was music to my arse!

My wife says I've become more and more like our old car.
I said: Don't get me started !

Не стареют две вещи - черный юмор и дети антипрививочников.

- А как я Вас узнаю на первом свидании?
- Я буду в футболке с Путиным!
- Я не приду...

I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

I was recently accused of posting a long series of messages about I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and other songs, but I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

I tried to teach my dog to dance, but he just doesn’t get it. Honestly, he acts like he has two left feet!

"Waiter, I'd like two pork chops. And make them lean".
Waiter, "Sure thing. Which way?"

The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end he went with plan Bee.

Нет стыда — иди в мед. Нет ума — иди в пед. Нет ни этих, ни тех — поступай в политех.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.
I tried it and my goldfish died.

Coronavirus wears a mask to protect itself from Chuck Norris.

I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

— Слыхал, Путину, присудили Нобелевскую премию!
— В какой области?
— Сразу в двух: Луганской и Донецкой...

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Leaving the house is good for depression, bad for anxiety. Staying at house is good for anxiety, bad for depression.

Dear people who write on bathroom walls, I don`t care who you love. I`m just trying to pee.

Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..

Llora mañana, sonríe hoy. Hacer esto todos los días.

Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee?
I want to meet them.

People have told me I have a messiah complex but that’s OK, I forgive them.

John Lennon and Gary Barlow, are forming a group, but they can't think of a name.
Imagine that.

I had a great first day watching over some important, expensive China vases at the British Museum.
Smashed it.

I will never date a teacher, i have learnt my lesson.

First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

Don't do anything you're not prepared to explain to a paramedic.

I really want a new car but they're expensive and I'm not that driven.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

They say, "Age is just a number, you're as young as you feel."
The same does not apply to IQ.

I can't speak for y'all but the inventor of the tire is my ultimate roll model.
For wheel.

Quit my job at the lumber yard. Just got board.

I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Вода не утоляет жажды Увы я пил ее однажды. О Хайям

IF HUMAN BEANS LET ME DOWN
I'LL RICE UP AND SHOW THEM HOW STRONG I YAM.

Two fish in a tank, one fish says to the other " You drive it, I'll fire the big gun"

If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

What should they call
the stairs used for
boarding planes...

A flight of stairs.

Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?

They always want to find their inner peas.

The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

The grammarian was very logical. He had a lot of comma sense.

- А почему у вас вот тот больной постоянно пукает? - спрашивает проверяющий главврача.
- Это новое в психиатрии, он считает себя Газпромом.

Ever since my wife took a job in Antarctica, she’s been cold and distant.

My friend can't stop bragging about the huge marlin he caught. I'm sick of him always fishing for compliments.

Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I need help. Get me a doctor.

He used to have so much gas that his wife left him.

Gone with the wind ...

Divorce is always messier if there’s children involved and that’s why you should never marry children.

Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She always runs away from the ball.

-I will not pay the bill!
-Why not? You ordered 42 coffee
-I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.

Q: How many sheep does it take to make a sweater?
A: Depends how many in the flock can knit.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

I used to be in a very heavy metal band. I played a lead guitar.

Talk is cheap, unless you are talking to a lawyer.

Whenever I feel sad, I drink apple juice. It makes me appy.

I need a day between every day to recover from the day before, and prepare for the day coming.

Who carries out operations in a lake?
A sturgeon.

Женщина садится в такси и говорит:
- В роддом! Да не гоните так,
я просто там работаю!

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

Went to the dressing room. Couldnt find the mayonaise.

What do they call a kid in Turkey who beats up other kids and calls them names?
An Istanbully.

— Да ты зациклился просто.
— Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился?

Совет от тёти Песи:
"Девочки! Если вы всё время будете говорить "да", то вас перестанут уважать. Если вы всё время будете говорить "нет" - оттолкнёте всех мужчин. Поэтому отвечайте: "Не исключено...»

Did I ever tell you about the thief who only stole Kia’s? It wasn’t his Forte.

I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

There’s a blood-sucking insect who issues speeding tickets.
Be careful, folks.
The tic is clocking.

I used to mix up metaphors... but that ship has flown...

A psychic is buying clothes:
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.

Звезды - это маленькие дырочки в полу рая.

One of Peter Pan's Lost Boys married the Gone Girl. Their children were nowhere to be seen!