Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

У Сергея так давно не было секса, что его стали возбуждать таблички
ВХОД и ВЫХОД.

I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.

Swede car online......

When I get really bored I put Red Bull in my humming bird feeder.

Одесса. Привоз. Воскресная толкучка. Женщины примеряют шляпы.
Вдруг громкий возглас продавщицы:
- Где это чучело, шо шляпу меряло?! Сбежала, шо ли?!
- Да тут я, тут.
- Ой, мадам Кац, вас просто не узнать! Богиня, красавица, ну, настоящая графиня!

Vampires are just human-sized mosquitos.

Me: Sir, my doctor has advised me to stay in bed.
Boss: How long?
Me: Just a normal sized bed..

A friend of mine got into wearing camouflage so much that I don't see him anymore.

Just had some amazing ideas for a quartet of hit songs - gonna make a four tune!

I wrote a limerick about snorting cocaine, where the 3rd and 4th lines are the shortest.

Q: Why was the computer so tired after his road trip?
A: He had a hard drive.

Jokes about the search for eternal youth never get old.

Самое грустное в браке -
это когда любовница
выходит замуж.

I remain very skeptical and suspicious of organic foods.
I keep hearing about people dying from natural cause.

I told my therapist so much about my mother that he doesn't like her either.

Big Bang Theory was just "Friends" with advanced degrees and fewer social skills...

Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

If you ever hear me breathe deeply it's not because I'm annoyed it's because I forget to breathe sometimes.

Анжела была сильной, независимой женщиной, и привыкла добиваться всего сама. Оргазм не был исключением.

Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

It's been established that Napoléon Bonaparte once yelled out, 'Hey Jo! - there's no water in the loo'! The rest is his story,...

For 20 years I received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. I didn’t get one this year. First Gran dies, now this.

It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Viagra and Pepsi have teamed up to make a new drink. All i can say is it wont be a soft drink.

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town.

Человек как батарейка: есть плюсы, есть минусы. Может сесть.

На приёме у врача:
- Самуил Яковлевич, самое лучшее для вас - бросить пить, курить и спать с женщинами.
- Доктор, мне бы чего-нибудь похуже - недостоин я самого лучшего.

- Ты девственница?
- Ну... Есть немного.

Dora the Explorer is raising a baby cow. You should see it. It’s a Dora bull.

I tell you who could always see right through people, my ex Ray.

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

She: My boyfriend is a programmer he will hack your world into Oblivion.

The boyfriend: How to declare variable in HTML.

Why can't Ghosts have Children?
They have Hollow Weenies!

Why can't Frankenstein have Children?
His Nuts are in His Neck!

Contrary to popular belief, money can buy Happiness.

However, that’s just
her stage name...

What group of people never get angry?
The nomads.

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

James Bond missed
his hair colouring appointment.
Would he
Dye Another Day?

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”

― Mark Twain

В здоровых отношениях мужчина должен принимать решения, а женщина - говорить какие.

One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem.

Dear Toilet: Please Flush. Sincerely, at my girlfriend’s house.

It was so hot today, I took off all my clothes and opened all the windows, it was such a relief.
Mind you, the other people on the bus didn't look too happy...

I can always tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs.

When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it's urgent.

At first my life was depressing and miserable, but I have turned that around. Now it's miserable and depressing.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

DID YOU KNOW that exercise can add years to your life?! OH YES! For example, I've just ran 2 miles and now I feel like I’m 82...

When a left-hander writes with his left hand, does his left hand become his write hand. I say yes. Even though I am left-handed, am I right?

When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

It was music to my arse!

My wife says I've become more and more like our old car.
I said: Don't get me started !

Не стареют две вещи - черный юмор и дети антипрививочников.

- А как я Вас узнаю на первом свидании?
- Я буду в футболке с Путиным!
- Я не приду...

I'm gonna open a studio in jail, then I'll call it criminal records.

I was recently accused of posting a long series of messages about I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and other songs, but I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

I tried to teach my dog to dance, but he just doesn’t get it. Honestly, he acts like he has two left feet!

"Waiter, I'd like two pork chops. And make them lean".
Waiter, "Sure thing. Which way?"

The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end he went with plan Bee.

Нет стыда — иди в мед. Нет ума — иди в пед. Нет ни этих, ни тех — поступай в политех.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.
I tried it and my goldfish died.

Coronavirus wears a mask to protect itself from Chuck Norris.

I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

— Слыхал, Путину, присудили Нобелевскую премию!
— В какой области?
— Сразу в двух: Луганской и Донецкой...

People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Leaving the house is good for depression, bad for anxiety. Staying at house is good for anxiety, bad for depression.

Dear people who write on bathroom walls, I don`t care who you love. I`m just trying to pee.

Sometimes we are silent, not because we have nothing to say. But because we want to say much more than anyone can understand ..

Llora mañana, sonríe hoy. Hacer esto todos los días.

Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee?
I want to meet them.

People have told me I have a messiah complex but that’s OK, I forgive them.

John Lennon and Gary Barlow, are forming a group, but they can't think of a name.
Imagine that.

I had a great first day watching over some important, expensive China vases at the British Museum.
Smashed it.

I will never date a teacher, i have learnt my lesson.

First you told me to be myself now you're telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind, woman!

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

Don't do anything you're not prepared to explain to a paramedic.

I really want a new car but they're expensive and I'm not that driven.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

They say, "Age is just a number, you're as young as you feel."
The same does not apply to IQ.