Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I can't speak for y'all but the inventor of the tire is my ultimate roll model.
For wheel.

Quit my job at the lumber yard. Just got board.

I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Вода не утоляет жажды Увы я пил ее однажды. О Хайям

IF HUMAN BEANS LET ME DOWN
I'LL RICE UP AND SHOW THEM HOW STRONG I YAM.

Two fish in a tank, one fish says to the other " You drive it, I'll fire the big gun"

If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

What should they call
the stairs used for
boarding planes...

A flight of stairs.

Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?

They always want to find their inner peas.

The people repairing the roof above Big Ben are working over time.

The grammarian was very logical. He had a lot of comma sense.

- А почему у вас вот тот больной постоянно пукает? - спрашивает проверяющий главврача.
- Это новое в психиатрии, он считает себя Газпромом.

Ever since my wife took a job in Antarctica, she’s been cold and distant.

My friend can't stop bragging about the huge marlin he caught. I'm sick of him always fishing for compliments.

Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.

Somedays you have nothing left in the right side of your brain....and nothing right with the left.

Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I need help. Get me a doctor.

He used to have so much gas that his wife left him.

Gone with the wind ...

Divorce is always messier if there’s children involved and that’s why you should never marry children.

Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? She always runs away from the ball.

-I will not pay the bill!
-Why not? You ordered 42 coffee
-I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.

Q: How many sheep does it take to make a sweater?
A: Depends how many in the flock can knit.

My wife thinks I spend too much time talking to random people on line.
What do you think?

I used to be in a very heavy metal band. I played a lead guitar.

Talk is cheap, unless you are talking to a lawyer.

Whenever I feel sad, I drink apple juice. It makes me appy.

I need a day between every day to recover from the day before, and prepare for the day coming.

Who carries out operations in a lake?
A sturgeon.

Женщина садится в такси и говорит:
- В роддом! Да не гоните так,
я просто там работаю!

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

Went to the dressing room. Couldnt find the mayonaise.

What do they call a kid in Turkey who beats up other kids and calls them names?
An Istanbully.

— Да ты зациклился просто.
— Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился?

Совет от тёти Песи:
"Девочки! Если вы всё время будете говорить "да", то вас перестанут уважать. Если вы всё время будете говорить "нет" - оттолкнёте всех мужчин. Поэтому отвечайте: "Не исключено...»

Did I ever tell you about the thief who only stole Kia’s? It wasn’t his Forte.

I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

There’s a blood-sucking insect who issues speeding tickets.
Be careful, folks.
The tic is clocking.

I used to mix up metaphors... but that ship has flown...

A psychic is buying clothes:
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.

Звезды - это маленькие дырочки в полу рая.

One of Peter Pan's Lost Boys married the Gone Girl. Their children were nowhere to be seen!

Crap happens, just flush it and move on.

mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

me: w
h
a
a
a
a
t

How to be an adult:
- have a bag of cords
- have a gift bag full of gift bags
- have a plastic bag full of plastic bags
- have bags under your eyes

“I’ve just got a new Twitter follower, a lady from a city in North West Italy”

“Genoa?”

“Not very well, no...”

How do you know if the yoga clinic is hiring new people to work with them?
They will have many open positions to fill in.

„We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.“
Oscar Wilde

The butcher tried to sell me some cured bacon today. I said "No way. I want bacon that was never sick in the first place."

Super Heroes read Chuck Norris comic books.

Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.

I put music on when I go to bed so I can get a sound sleep.

Underrated investing strategy:
Know when a stock is going to go 1,000x. Buy it right before.

Scientists trying to figure out the mysteries of space when we still have "do not drink" warnings on strawberry shampoo.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a pigeon?
Voice mail.

Я спросил у бармена, где моя любимая?
"Вы вчера всю выпили!" - бармен отвечал...

Biology Professor says, ''There are 8 sexually transmitted diseases...........
You will get atleast one in the practicals..

Если истина не попахивает винцом, то - это не истина.

Did you hear about the exorcist who got arrested for handling stolen gear?
He was charged with possession.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To get his rubber chicken.

Конечно, деньги - зло. Но их можно пропить по-доброму.

"Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel."
- Socrates

Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

Salt is just angry sugar.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Me: Finally gets 8 hours of sleep.
My neck and my back: Congrats but you did it wrong.

Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.

I was in an Indonesian Restaurant last week and I had fried insect legs.
Absolutely loved them.
They really were the Bees Knees.

An IT specialist died today, after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.

Религия – это когда вы платите за свет в конце тоннеля.

I’m thinking of robbing a bakery of all utensils. It’s dangerous, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Счастье-это всего лишь хорошее здоровье и плохая память.
Альберт Эйнштейн

If having to wear masks is a mandate, do women have to wear them also?

Me: What do you recommend?

Waiter: Would you like to hear the Chef's Special?

Me: I'm sure he is, but let's focus on what I'm going to order.

Just switched from eating venison to pheasant.
Absolute game changer.

У сатанистов вечно всё не слава богу.

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."

The cannibal greeted his guests at the door with handshakes.