Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If the beer has coffee in it, it's breakfast. That's science.

My wife likes to put on boxing gloves, while I sing "Eye Of The Tiger"

Our marriage is going through a bit of a Rocky patch at the moment.

Went to the dressing room. Couldnt find the mayonaise.

What do they call a kid in Turkey who beats up other kids and calls them names?
An Istanbully.

— Да ты зациклился просто.
— Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился? Это я-то зациклился?

Совет от тёти Песи:
"Девочки! Если вы всё время будете говорить "да", то вас перестанут уважать. Если вы всё время будете говорить "нет" - оттолкнёте всех мужчин. Поэтому отвечайте: "Не исключено...»

Did I ever tell you about the thief who only stole Kia’s? It wasn’t his Forte.

I gave my wife a pendant with my picture inside of it.....Now, I’m independent.

There’s a blood-sucking insect who issues speeding tickets.
Be careful, folks.
The tic is clocking.

I used to mix up metaphors... but that ship has flown...

A psychic is buying clothes:
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.

Звезды - это маленькие дырочки в полу рая.

One of Peter Pan's Lost Boys married the Gone Girl. Their children were nowhere to be seen!

Crap happens, just flush it and move on.

mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

me: w
h
a
a
a
a
t

How to be an adult:
- have a bag of cords
- have a gift bag full of gift bags
- have a plastic bag full of plastic bags
- have bags under your eyes

“I’ve just got a new Twitter follower, a lady from a city in North West Italy”

“Genoa?”

“Not very well, no...”

How do you know if the yoga clinic is hiring new people to work with them?
They will have many open positions to fill in.

„We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.“
Oscar Wilde

The butcher tried to sell me some cured bacon today. I said "No way. I want bacon that was never sick in the first place."

Super Heroes read Chuck Norris comic books.

Contrary to popular belief Tattoos are not permanent. They usually rot away a few days after you die.

I put music on when I go to bed so I can get a sound sleep.

Underrated investing strategy:
Know when a stock is going to go 1,000x. Buy it right before.

Scientists trying to figure out the mysteries of space when we still have "do not drink" warnings on strawberry shampoo.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a pigeon?
Voice mail.

Я спросил у бармена, где моя любимая?
"Вы вчера всю выпили!" - бармен отвечал...

Biology Professor says, ''There are 8 sexually transmitted diseases...........
You will get atleast one in the practicals..

Если истина не попахивает винцом, то - это не истина.

Did you hear about the exorcist who got arrested for handling stolen gear?
He was charged with possession.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To get his rubber chicken.

Конечно, деньги - зло. Но их можно пропить по-доброму.

"Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel."
- Socrates

Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

Salt is just angry sugar.

How am I supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole.

Me: Finally gets 8 hours of sleep.
My neck and my back: Congrats but you did it wrong.

Chuck Norris got fact-checked by facebook, he sent facebook to facebook jail.

I was in an Indonesian Restaurant last week and I had fried insect legs.
Absolutely loved them.
They really were the Bees Knees.

An IT specialist died today, after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.

Религия – это когда вы платите за свет в конце тоннеля.

I’m thinking of robbing a bakery of all utensils. It’s dangerous, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Счастье-это всего лишь хорошее здоровье и плохая память.
Альберт Эйнштейн

If having to wear masks is a mandate, do women have to wear them also?

Me: What do you recommend?

Waiter: Would you like to hear the Chef's Special?

Me: I'm sure he is, but let's focus on what I'm going to order.

Just switched from eating venison to pheasant.
Absolute game changer.

У сатанистов вечно всё не слава богу.

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."

The cannibal greeted his guests at the door with handshakes.

Dormir es mi manera favorita para solucionar todos los problemas de mi vida.

Was chasing a hacker but he got away. I think he ransomware.

Don't hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

The Doctor told me if I had a
vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
- Albert Einstein

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

“The one irreparable loss is the loss of desire.”
— Senancour, Obermann (Letter XLI)

We all make mistakes... I just do it better than everyone else.

Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Себя не обманешь ... но можно договориться.

Chuck Norris can decline the End User License Agreement and still download a program on his computer!

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

The lack of gingerbreadwomen
is due to pastryarchy.

Sex in your 30's: tri-weekly
Sex in your 40's: try weekly
Sex in your 50's: try weakly

For such a large coal factory, it only had a single rail system going through it. I guess you can say it was a...
...one track mine.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
The poor child must of had grape expectations.

Why does You begin with a Y & Why with a W? 🤔

I never seem to see the old lady next door any more which is a shame as I wanted to tell her how good her milk bottle collection is.

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn't say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

"One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

• Thomas More

Chuck Norris once looked into Medusa's eyes and Medusa turned to stone!

Chuck Norris doesn't complete online forms because he doesn't submit.

I've just realised why all the LGBT festivals always happen in the Summer.
Because Pride comes before the fall.

"To move the world we must first move ourselves."
- Socrates

How does Winnie-the-Pooh open his honey pots? With his BEAR hands.