Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Dormir es mi manera favorita para solucionar todos los problemas de mi vida.

Was chasing a hacker but he got away. I think he ransomware.

Don't hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

The Doctor told me if I had a
vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
- Albert Einstein

Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

“The one irreparable loss is the loss of desire.”
— Senancour, Obermann (Letter XLI)

We all make mistakes... I just do it better than everyone else.

Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Себя не обманешь ... но можно договориться.

Chuck Norris can decline the End User License Agreement and still download a program on his computer!

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

The lack of gingerbreadwomen
is due to pastryarchy.

Sex in your 30's: tri-weekly
Sex in your 40's: try weekly
Sex in your 50's: try weakly

For such a large coal factory, it only had a single rail system going through it. I guess you can say it was a...
...one track mine.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
The poor child must of had grape expectations.

Why does You begin with a Y & Why with a W? 🤔

I never seem to see the old lady next door any more which is a shame as I wanted to tell her how good her milk bottle collection is.

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn't say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

"One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated."

• Thomas More

Chuck Norris once looked into Medusa's eyes and Medusa turned to stone!

Chuck Norris doesn't complete online forms because he doesn't submit.

I've just realised why all the LGBT festivals always happen in the Summer.
Because Pride comes before the fall.

"To move the world we must first move ourselves."
- Socrates

How does Winnie-the-Pooh open his honey pots? With his BEAR hands.

Can't spell STUPID without U right in the middle!

Chuck Norris typically works 40 Hours a day.

Never ask a brutally honest question if you're not prepared to hear a brutally honest answer.

We encourage people to do what they love but we judge them when they actually do it.

Chuck Norris’ rotary phone has WiFi.

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

Did you know that 99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name?

Chuck Norris won the spelling bee with one letter.

Miss Booker was arrested for stealing a book. The cop said book her!

Baker, Cook, Fry, and Kitchen are real last names!

Baker, Cook, Fry, and Kitchen are real last names!

So when I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream cone ?
He got hit by a bus.

My main hobby is trying to remember what I just said.

Taking selfies is not that easy as everyone thinks... specially when you’re not attractive!

I really appreciate all the positive feedback I’ve received on my pun about a mountain plateau. It’s the highest form of flattery!

I was going to buy an umbrella but decided to save my money for a rainy day instead.

A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the 'b' is silent.

- I needed sheep for my farm in Canada, and got tricked into buying what I was told were female sheep, but were actually rams.
- Ewe con?
- No, Vancouver.

"Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth.
Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."
- Aristotle

Добрая половина россиян в понедельник утром выглядит, как недобрая.

Как папа скажет, так по-маминому и будет.

My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

Does anyone actually know what the Knights in white sat in ?

A rubber-band gun was confiscated in school because it was a weapon of math disruption.

What blink 182 failed to mention is that no one likes you after 23 either.

Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated, but there's no cure for stupid.

Chuck once dueled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes forever!

I accidentally asked my friend if he wants to go "boiling" instead of "bowling" and nowwww...
...we are in hot water.

Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

I had the butler show them the door.

Asked a Russian guy to explain the meaning of his name but he wasn't very Igor.

Chuck Norris once took a chicken egg and hatched an eagle.

"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand

Chuck doesn't have to do what Simon says..

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

Arms for your chairs are chairs for your arms.

Chuck Norris does not need to buy Bitcoin, he already has them all.

Chuck Norris is the reason Bigfoot hides.

Chuck Norris would only have to walk for President.

Иногда кажется, что Земля не только круглая, но и дура.

If you think no one cares if you're alive, miss a car payment.

— Алло, это база? Я насчёт сарая.
— Извините, это ракетная база. Вы не туда попали.
— Да нет. Это вы не туда попали.

Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police.
You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.

Chuck Norris can put things back into their original packaging.

A friend got arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while and then let him go.

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

I saw a student get taken to university by his chauffeur. That's what I love to see. Students who are driven.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.