Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My main hobby is trying to remember what I just said.

Taking selfies is not that easy as everyone thinks... specially when you’re not attractive!

I really appreciate all the positive feedback I’ve received on my pun about a mountain plateau. It’s the highest form of flattery!

I was going to buy an umbrella but decided to save my money for a rainy day instead.

A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the 'b' is silent.

- I needed sheep for my farm in Canada, and got tricked into buying what I was told were female sheep, but were actually rams.
- Ewe con?
- No, Vancouver.

"Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth.
Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."
- Aristotle

Добрая половина россиян в понедельник утром выглядит, как недобрая.

Как папа скажет, так по-маминому и будет.

My life has a great cast, but I still couldn't figure out the plot...

Does anyone actually know what the Knights in white sat in ?

A rubber-band gun was confiscated in school because it was a weapon of math disruption.

What blink 182 failed to mention is that no one likes you after 23 either.

Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated, but there's no cure for stupid.

Chuck once dueled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his clothes forever!

I accidentally asked my friend if he wants to go "boiling" instead of "bowling" and nowwww...
...we are in hot water.

Some friends came round yesterday and accused me of trying to act posh.

I had the butler show them the door.

Asked a Russian guy to explain the meaning of his name but he wasn't very Igor.

Chuck Norris once took a chicken egg and hatched an eagle.

"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand

Chuck doesn't have to do what Simon says..

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

Arms for your chairs are chairs for your arms.

Chuck Norris does not need to buy Bitcoin, he already has them all.

Chuck Norris is the reason Bigfoot hides.

Chuck Norris would only have to walk for President.

Иногда кажется, что Земля не только круглая, но и дура.

If you think no one cares if you're alive, miss a car payment.

— Алло, это база? Я насчёт сарая.
— Извините, это ракетная база. Вы не туда попали.
— Да нет. Это вы не туда попали.

Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police.
You have to hang on a minute, I’m pooping.
Yeah, we know. The photo booth has glass doors.

Chuck Norris can put things back into their original packaging.

A friend got arrested for impersonating a helium balloon. The police held him for a while and then let him go.

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

I saw a student get taken to university by his chauffeur. That's what I love to see. Students who are driven.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it is simply an O.

I was listening to a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I said to the guy next to me: “That lizard’s really funny.”
He replied: “That’s not a lizard, it's a stand up chameleon.”

Плыть по течению можно лишь до ближайшего ... водопада!

Привычка ничего не делать до добра не доведёт. Или проголодаешься, или заснёшь.

When Chuck Norris walks into the ocean he doesn't get wet, the ocean gets Chuck Norris.

Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.

Who is an apple’s favourite pop singer?
Katy Peary.

There is no theory of evolution...only animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live!

When Eric Bana gets mad he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses, to protect the sun from his eyes…

I'm not saying the wife orders from Amazon a lot, but she just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

You can remove any one letter from the word "seat" and still end up with a real word.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.

If you drive your Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus.

I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

The most challenging part of being a chain smoker is lighting the chain.

“Security without liberty is called prison.”
— Benjamin Franklin

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.

“I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.”
Arthur Miller

Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse, he scrolls with a lion.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

Went into a shop and said "can someone sell me that kettle?" The shop assistant said "Kenwood?" I said "Great, where is he?"

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

- Малышка, ты просто космос! А я – как Гагарин: вроде бы первый, но чую, что какие-то собаки здесь уже побывали…

- Я ухожу от тебя!
- Отличная новость!
- Ты больше никогда не встретишь такую, как я!
- Еще одна отличная новость!

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod., any cod.

The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam ,but she wants to come with me……..

Good news: I can still do a full split!
Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

- Софочка, собирайся, ми сегодня таки идём в театр!
- В Большой?
- Та не волнуйся, поместишься…

The three little pigs' dad told lousy bedtime stories.
He was such a boar...

Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.