Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it is simply an O.

I was listening to a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I said to the guy next to me: “That lizard’s really funny.”
He replied: “That’s not a lizard, it's a stand up chameleon.”

Плыть по течению можно лишь до ближайшего ... водопада!

Привычка ничего не делать до добра не доведёт. Или проголодаешься, или заснёшь.

When Chuck Norris walks into the ocean he doesn't get wet, the ocean gets Chuck Norris.

Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.

Who is an apple’s favourite pop singer?
Katy Peary.

There is no theory of evolution...only animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live!

When Eric Bana gets mad he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses, to protect the sun from his eyes…

I'm not saying the wife orders from Amazon a lot, but she just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

You can remove any one letter from the word "seat" and still end up with a real word.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.

If you drive your Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus.

I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

The most challenging part of being a chain smoker is lighting the chain.

“Security without liberty is called prison.”
— Benjamin Franklin

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.

“I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. I have no tongue for it.”
Arthur Miller

Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse, he scrolls with a lion.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing could kill him. So then he tracked down nothing and killed it.

My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

Went into a shop and said "can someone sell me that kettle?" The shop assistant said "Kenwood?" I said "Great, where is he?"

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get doughnuts.

- Малышка, ты просто космос! А я – как Гагарин: вроде бы первый, но чую, что какие-то собаки здесь уже побывали…

- Я ухожу от тебя!
- Отличная новость!
- Ты больше никогда не встретишь такую, как я!
- Еще одна отличная новость!

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod., any cod.

The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam ,but she wants to come with me……..

Good news: I can still do a full split!
Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

- Софочка, собирайся, ми сегодня таки идём в театр!
- В Большой?
- Та не волнуйся, поместишься…

The three little pigs' dad told lousy bedtime stories.
He was such a boar...

Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

Чем меньше думаешь, тем больше у тебя единомышленников!

Be alert (the world needs more lerts).

Why don't zombies eat ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.

- Сёма, это какой-то ужас. Познакомился с девушкой. Стал делать ей комплименты, а она мне в ответ пощёчину...
- Боря, может, ты таки сказал ей что-нибудь неприличное?
- Вообще молчал.
- Как же тогда ты делал ей комплименты?
- Вручную.

Chuck Norris can speak 25 different languages…at the same time.

Bad decisions make good stories.

A cop pulled me over (again!) and when he was going to give me a ticket I asked, "Couldn't you just give me a warning?". He got really mad and replied, "A warning? You want a warning? I'm warning you not to do that again or I will give you another ticket!"

I bought a new pitcher, brought it home and put it on the sink. “What am I going to do with an extra pitcher?” my wife said. I told her, “Do what baseball teams do with extra pitchers. Put it on the bullpen.” It only left a small scar!

RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

Who is under the boogy man's bed?

Man or woman, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

Меня сложно открыть, невозможно закрыть и никогда не хочется мыть.
© Окно

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

Деньги любят счёт. В швейцарском банке.

There are two typos of people in the world.

Those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

- Рабинович, а шо будет, если анекдоты про Вас запретят?
- Про это сразу сочинят анекдот!

Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
So I didn't.

- Хочу гражданство России получить. К кому обратиться?
- К психиатру.

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves.

Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

Chuck Norris once had a date with destiny. Now destiny won't quit calling him and stalking him on Facebook.

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "🌷
~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Confucius say, closed mouth catches no flies, but closed fly catches no mouths.

Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead.

Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod.

Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink.

Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose.

Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor.

Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self.

Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self.

Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face.