Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit.

Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny.

Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.

Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot.

Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius say, electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife's bedroom.

Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.

Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.

Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.

Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean.

Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Auto correct ain't nothing to duck with.

Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.

Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left.

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls.

Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around.

Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush.

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.

I've just found out that my wife is writing a book about our honeymoon. It's called '50 Shades of O.K.'

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Why is it that when "we need to talk" I only get to listen?

- Хотите родить девочку? Ешьте овощи!
- Доктор, а мужчина для этого точно не нужен?

COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

“This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
— Horace Walpole

" By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
~ Socrates

Me on security.

"There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

Control Room, "Copy that."

Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Me: How much for the punk cantaloupe?

Cashier: That's a pineapple.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Депрессия - когда хочется, чтобы хотелось.

Just watched an old video clip of Bob Marley playing tennis. The score was one love.

Самая убедительная ложь начинается словами: "Ты мне, конечно, не поверишь, но ...".

Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

I got thrown out of the theatre last night for eating crisps.

I’m now banned from all future operations.

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.
• Goethe

A man says to a waiter: there’s a button in my salad. The waiter says that’s ok, it’s part of the dressing.

When Chuck Norris visits your house, you become the guest.

Waitress: How do you want your eggs?
Me: Poached.
Waitress: Sir, we only cook the eggs we rightly own.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

My wife sent me a text that said, “my period is late.”
Me: I told her not to worry and that it was properly placed at the end of the sentence.

A pencil has been discovered that may have been one that Shakespeare actually used. Historians cannot yet confirm if it a 2B or not 2B.

Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

If you're naked in public, it's better to cover your face than your genitals.

- Господи, ну почему вокруг меня одни дебилы и уроды?
- Вся воспринимаемая тобой вселенная - лишь твоё отражение...

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!
Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

How do you make a Lamborghini?

You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to mate.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.

I was telling a Border Collie some jokes about sheep, but he'd herd them all before...

Женщина хочет, чтобы хотели ее хотеть, когда она хочет...

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

Daniel Craig appeared grey in his latest Bond film cause he had no time to dye.