Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack.

Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.

Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.

Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service.

Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.

Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke.

Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night.

Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.

Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump.

Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have.

Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.

Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.

Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

Сын мой, я злюсь не из-за того, что ты пьёшь, играешь в карты, шляешься по беспутным девкам. Я злюсь из-за того, что ты при этом - несчастлив.

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker.

Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point.

Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk.

Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands.

Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache.

Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose.

Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle.

Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard.

Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.

Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.

Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef.

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip.

Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy.

Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.

Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy.

Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts.

Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town.

Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face.

Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit.

Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground.

Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit.

Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny.

Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.

Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot.

Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius say, electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife's bedroom.

Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.

Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.

Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.

Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean.

Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Auto correct ain't nothing to duck with.

Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.