Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The wife and I can’t agree on our next trip. I want to go to Amsterdam ,but she wants to come with me……..

Good news: I can still do a full split!
Bad news: It wasn't on purpose.

We are all time travelers... moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

- Софочка, собирайся, ми сегодня таки идём в театр!
- В Большой?
- Та не волнуйся, поместишься…

The three little pigs' dad told lousy bedtime stories.
He was such a boar...

Intel have announced that they won't be building a new chip factory in the UK, we'll as a point of principle I won't be buying any of their fish either.

My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

Чем меньше думаешь, тем больше у тебя единомышленников!

Be alert (the world needs more lerts).

Why don't zombies eat ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.

- Сёма, это какой-то ужас. Познакомился с девушкой. Стал делать ей комплименты, а она мне в ответ пощёчину...
- Боря, может, ты таки сказал ей что-нибудь неприличное?
- Вообще молчал.
- Как же тогда ты делал ей комплименты?
- Вручную.

Chuck Norris can speak 25 different languages…at the same time.

Bad decisions make good stories.

A cop pulled me over (again!) and when he was going to give me a ticket I asked, "Couldn't you just give me a warning?". He got really mad and replied, "A warning? You want a warning? I'm warning you not to do that again or I will give you another ticket!"

I bought a new pitcher, brought it home and put it on the sink. “What am I going to do with an extra pitcher?” my wife said. I told her, “Do what baseball teams do with extra pitchers. Put it on the bullpen.” It only left a small scar!

RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

Who is under the boogy man's bed?

Man or woman, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

Меня сложно открыть, невозможно закрыть и никогда не хочется мыть.
© Окно

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

Деньги любят счёт. В швейцарском банке.

There are two typos of people in the world.

Those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

COP: Don't run... you'll only go to jail tired.

- Рабинович, а шо будет, если анекдоты про Вас запретят?
- Про это сразу сочинят анекдот!

Just got sacked from my job as a zookeeper! Thought it a bit harsh. The signs said 'Don't feed the animals'
So I didn't.

- Хочу гражданство России получить. К кому обратиться?
- К психиатру.

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves.

Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

Chuck Norris once had a date with destiny. Now destiny won't quit calling him and stalking him on Facebook.

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "🌷
~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Confucius say, closed mouth catches no flies, but closed fly catches no mouths.

Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead.

Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod.

Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink.

Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose.

Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor.

Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self.

Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self.

Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face.

Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack.

Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.

Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.

Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service.

Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.

Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke.

Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night.

Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.

Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump.

Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have.

Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.

Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.

Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

Сын мой, я злюсь не из-за того, что ты пьёшь, играешь в карты, шляешься по беспутным девкам. Я злюсь из-за того, что ты при этом - несчастлив.

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker.

Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point.

Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk.

Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands.

Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache.

Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose.

Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle.

Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard.

Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.

Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.

Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef.

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.