Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I thought one of the neighbours was taking the wheels off of my new Honda,without asking me..

Turned out,he was doing it on his own Accord.

Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and gave it cancer.

I forgot how to put my seatbelt on this morning, but finally it clicked!

I don't know who needs to know this but the youngest picture you have of yourself is ALSO the oldest picture you have of yourself.

"The soul is silent. If it speaks at all it speaks in dreams."

~ Louise Gluck

Spilt milk cries over Chuck Norris.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

I did not trip... the floor looked like it needed a hug.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Гороскоп на завтра:
- У оптимистов будет все плохо, но они не заметят.
- У пессимистов будет все хорошо, но им опять не понравится.

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.

У меня только два состояния:
1. Как-то так...
2. Как так-то?!

A couple stopped at a quaint little B&B. The clerk behind the counter greeted them warmly. As they checked in he told them, "I'm very sorry but we're a little short-handed. Would you mind making your own bed?"
"Of course not, " answered the husband, with his wife's agreement.
"Great! Here's a saw, a hammer and some nails. There's wood and a mattress up in your room."

С ленью лучше всего бороться лёжа.

Большой живот не от пива. А для пива.

An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.

— Неправильно ты, дядя Фёдор, презерватив надеваешь. Надо пупырышками внутрь, чтобы самому приятнее было.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

We must congratulate canyons, caverns and tunnels ; they've always been echo-friendly.

CHUCK NORRIS CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER AND MAKE IT DRINK!!!

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

~ Victor Hugo

"Mistakes increase your experience and experience decrease your mistakes if you learn from your mistakes then others learn from your success"
~ Anonymous

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.

Always coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

Одесская мудрость:
Лучше иметь дальних родственников на Ближнем Востоке, чем близких — на Дальнем.

If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well for me anyway.

Just tried ringing Dyson because my vacuum isn't working properly and what a surprise, they aren’t picking up either.

Chuck Norris walked into a swarm of angry bees and they gave him a free jar of honey.

"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward."
~ Oscar Wilde

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end.

Лёва, ваше спокойствие во время коронавируса оскорбляет чувства паникующих.

I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.

Don't be stupid, it's not smart.

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

You have to accept who you are... Unless you’re a serial killer!!!

When I say "there is nothing to eat" I mean there is nothing I like.

Изя сэкономил на фотографе.
И запомнил всю свадьбу.

A hundred years ago, we might have said "Dedicated milliners will always find a way to practice their craft." Nowadays we simply say "Hatters gonna hat."

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Just got an SMS just saying “nabg”. That’s bang out of order.

What do vagina lips says to each other ?
"We used to be tight"

Chuck Norris was getting into real estate. Evidently he's only selling roundhouses

The saying of a former vice-president is known as an AlGorithm.

The southern hemisphere doesn't have Polaris, the North Star, but the Southern Cross is a good constellation prize.

I once made the mistake of wishing a Meth Addict a 'speedy recovery'.

What is a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.

"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.

If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to accept my medal.

If you crush a cockroach you're a hero but when you crush a butterfly you become villain in eyes of everyone.
Means rabbles' morals have aesthetic values.

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

I just watched a drama about a surgeon who dropped a tool into a patient's stomach.
It was gut wrenching.

A Poet and a Philosopher walk into a bar ; after 4 Martini's there was no longer any rhyme nor reason to the evening,...🍸

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

Facebook crashed because Chuck Norris banned Mark Zuckerberg.

I’m going to tell you something: Thoughts are never honest. Emotions are.
Albert Camus

На вернисаже как-то раз ты с билетёром подралась, и я сказал, ты не со мною.

Новое — это хорошо побритое старое.

Вчера бросал пить, но не добросил.

Кто-нибудь знает, сколько коньяка наливать в кофе утром, чтобы оно было добрым?

Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

How do you confuse a miner?

Put two shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we’d never know because telescopes use mirrors.

If you deeply deeply stare into the eyes of the man who played Indiana Jones, it's a Ford Focus.

If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you, if you can’t see Chuck Norris be afraid.

В России два способа оплаты труда: когда за нихуя платят дохуя, и когда за дохуя не платят нихуя.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky.
The husband says, it’s reindeer.

" Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. "
-Joseph Addison

Chuck Norris can tell his wife that she was wrong.

- А почему наш начальник иногда так плоско шутит, у него ведь прекрасное чувство юмора?
- Выявляет подхалимов!

Just thought a thought but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

— Хочу, чтобы судьба взяла меня за волосы, и прямо мордой — в счастье, в счастье, в счастье.

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.

— Дорогая, я и крыс ем ещё.
— Крыс ешь?
— Говорю, я икры съем ещё.