Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do vagina lips says to each other ?
"We used to be tight"

Chuck Norris was getting into real estate. Evidently he's only selling roundhouses

The saying of a former vice-president is known as an AlGorithm.

The southern hemisphere doesn't have Polaris, the North Star, but the Southern Cross is a good constellation prize.

I once made the mistake of wishing a Meth Addict a 'speedy recovery'.

What is a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.

"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.

If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to accept my medal.

If you crush a cockroach you're a hero but when you crush a butterfly you become villain in eyes of everyone.
Means rabbles' morals have aesthetic values.

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

I just watched a drama about a surgeon who dropped a tool into a patient's stomach.
It was gut wrenching.

A Poet and a Philosopher walk into a bar ; after 4 Martini's there was no longer any rhyme nor reason to the evening,...🍸

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

Facebook crashed because Chuck Norris banned Mark Zuckerberg.

I’m going to tell you something: Thoughts are never honest. Emotions are.
Albert Camus

На вернисаже как-то раз ты с билетёром подралась, и я сказал, ты не со мною.

Новое — это хорошо побритое старое.

Вчера бросал пить, но не добросил.

Кто-нибудь знает, сколько коньяка наливать в кофе утром, чтобы оно было добрым?

Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

How do you confuse a miner?

Put two shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we’d never know because telescopes use mirrors.

If you deeply deeply stare into the eyes of the man who played Indiana Jones, it's a Ford Focus.

If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you, if you can’t see Chuck Norris be afraid.

В России два способа оплаты труда: когда за нихуя платят дохуя, и когда за дохуя не платят нихуя.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky.
The husband says, it’s reindeer.

" Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. "
-Joseph Addison

Chuck Norris can tell his wife that she was wrong.

- А почему наш начальник иногда так плоско шутит, у него ведь прекрасное чувство юмора?
- Выявляет подхалимов!

Just thought a thought but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

— Хочу, чтобы судьба взяла меня за волосы, и прямо мордой — в счастье, в счастье, в счастье.

Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of... I wake up.

"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.

— Дорогая, я и крыс ем ещё.
— Крыс ешь?
— Говорю, я икры съем ещё.

Chuck Norris once took a CPR class; he brought the dummy back to life.

I just ate a map of Montana and now I feel MT inside.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

Please remember that for every Rich Tea biscuit, there are thousands of Tea biscuits living in abject poverty....

I'm just saying if Barney the Dinosaur WAS King, it would definitely, 100% be a...purple reign.

Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

Today my yoga instructor was really drunk..
Which put me in an awkward position

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
Unfortunately I can't go.

Объявление. «Мадам в возрасте ищет работу. Секс и шитьё не предлагать. Шитьё категорически».

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

Wife:😠"Why do you ALWAYS make weather references in your conversations??"
"Well, I haven't the foggiest." I told her, then proceeded to storm out of the room.

Chuck Norris could run for public office as a Republican in Massachusetts and win.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown was the baddest man in the whole dammed town until he bumped into Chuck Norris.

I answered the door, and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

In re-reading 'The House of Seven Gables' for the 10th time, I still don't find Clark's name mentioned anywhere!

Why should you never go for a jog if it is raining cats and dogs outside?
You might step in a poodle!

"Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old"
- Jonathan Swift, 'Gulliver's Travels'

A global study reveals that #7 and #13 are the most popular favorite numbers.
Maybe it's just me but I find them...odd.

Be careful to hold your directional compass correctly!! For if you hold it upside-down, well, everything will go...south.

When a friend told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought he was lying…
It’s Trudeau.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

In the pub and I’ve just been introduced to the guy who invented the window sill…..what a ledge!

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

When Chuck Norris calls customer service a representative answers before the phone rings.

Name a better phrase than 'a delay in the bride's arrival'.
Aisle wait.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

Chuck Norris once prank called 911, 911 called back and apologized...

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

- Алло, это служба психологической поддержки?
- Да, чем мы можем вам помочь?
- Скажите, что я кися...

A stranger is just a friend you don't know.

Keith, worked in a factory, he had lost an eye in an unfortunate accident , so everyone started callin him keth.

Santa goes to Chuck Norris' house on Christmas eve, to get all the presents he will deliver.

A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit,and a crab with a whale for a daughter:The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.

My son got tattoos of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond, against my wishes.
I'll deal with him later.

I saw two policemen chasing a person who has just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

Chuck Norris doesn't abuse Alcohol...He teaches it a FUCKing lesson!!!!

Mining is boring.

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’

I can't tell if I like my new blender or not.
It keeps giving me mixed results.

The difference between superman and CHUCK NORRIS?
Superman has a weakness.

How does a demon stay fit?
He exorcises.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
~ Woody Allen

Before he starts a new job, CHUCK NORRIS needs to meet with HR to see if they're good enough to keep their jobs,

girlfriend: I'm seeing someone behind your back.
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa ?

Что подарить человеку, у которого всё есть?
В России это может быть только совесть.