Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left.

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls.

Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around.

Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush.

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.

I've just found out that my wife is writing a book about our honeymoon. It's called '50 Shades of O.K.'

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too "un-American".
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Why is it that when "we need to talk" I only get to listen?

- Хотите родить девочку? Ешьте овощи!
- Доктор, а мужчина для этого точно не нужен?

COP PULLS OVER A DRUNK DRIVER and says: The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?!

“This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
— Horace Walpole

" By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
~ Socrates

Me on security.

"There's a member of staff dancing naked in the canteen."

Control Room, "Copy that."

Me, "I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer."

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Me: How much for the punk cantaloupe?

Cashier: That's a pineapple.

I want to like mornings but I can’t because they happen at the wrong time of day.

Депрессия - когда хочется, чтобы хотелось.

Just watched an old video clip of Bob Marley playing tennis. The score was one love.

Самая убедительная ложь начинается словами: "Ты мне, конечно, не поверишь, но ...".

Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday.

I got thrown out of the theatre last night for eating crisps.

I’m now banned from all future operations.

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.
• Goethe

A man says to a waiter: there’s a button in my salad. The waiter says that’s ok, it’s part of the dressing.

When Chuck Norris visits your house, you become the guest.

Waitress: How do you want your eggs?
Me: Poached.
Waitress: Sir, we only cook the eggs we rightly own.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

My wife sent me a text that said, “my period is late.”
Me: I told her not to worry and that it was properly placed at the end of the sentence.

A pencil has been discovered that may have been one that Shakespeare actually used. Historians cannot yet confirm if it a 2B or not 2B.

Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

If you're naked in public, it's better to cover your face than your genitals.

- Господи, ну почему вокруг меня одни дебилы и уроды?
- Вся воспринимаемая тобой вселенная - лишь твоё отражение...

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!
Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

How do you make a Lamborghini?

You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to mate.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

Big shout out to my arms....for always being at my side.

I was telling a Border Collie some jokes about sheep, but he'd herd them all before...

Женщина хочет, чтобы хотели ее хотеть, когда она хочет...

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

Daniel Craig appeared grey in his latest Bond film cause he had no time to dye.

I thought one of the neighbours was taking the wheels off of my new Honda,without asking me..

Turned out,he was doing it on his own Accord.

Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and gave it cancer.

I forgot how to put my seatbelt on this morning, but finally it clicked!

I don't know who needs to know this but the youngest picture you have of yourself is ALSO the oldest picture you have of yourself.

"The soul is silent. If it speaks at all it speaks in dreams."

~ Louise Gluck

Spilt milk cries over Chuck Norris.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

I did not trip... the floor looked like it needed a hug.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Гороскоп на завтра:
- У оптимистов будет все плохо, но они не заметят.
- У пессимистов будет все хорошо, но им опять не понравится.

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.

У меня только два состояния:
1. Как-то так...
2. Как так-то?!

A couple stopped at a quaint little B&B. The clerk behind the counter greeted them warmly. As they checked in he told them, "I'm very sorry but we're a little short-handed. Would you mind making your own bed?"
"Of course not, " answered the husband, with his wife's agreement.
"Great! Here's a saw, a hammer and some nails. There's wood and a mattress up in your room."

С ленью лучше всего бороться лёжа.

Большой живот не от пива. А для пива.

An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.

— Неправильно ты, дядя Фёдор, презерватив надеваешь. Надо пупырышками внутрь, чтобы самому приятнее было.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

We must congratulate canyons, caverns and tunnels ; they've always been echo-friendly.

CHUCK NORRIS CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER AND MAKE IT DRINK!!!

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

~ Victor Hugo

"Mistakes increase your experience and experience decrease your mistakes if you learn from your mistakes then others learn from your success"
~ Anonymous

The wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like I've got time for that during conker season.

Always coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

Одесская мудрость:
Лучше иметь дальних родственников на Ближнем Востоке, чем близких — на Дальнем.

If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well for me anyway.

Just tried ringing Dyson because my vacuum isn't working properly and what a surprise, they aren’t picking up either.

Chuck Norris walked into a swarm of angry bees and they gave him a free jar of honey.

"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward."
~ Oscar Wilde

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end.

Лёва, ваше спокойствие во время коронавируса оскорбляет чувства паникующих.

I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.