Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?
Because it's time-consuming, and you always want seconds.

If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.
It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

— Алло! Отдел кадров? Здравствуйте. Моя фамилия — Рабинович. Вам нужны такие специалисты?

Мудрость приходит с возрастом, но иногда возраст приходит один.

- У меня жуткая депрессия.. Я такая толстая и одинокая!
- Что ви говорите Сарочка??? Ви толстая??!! Где? Покажите!
- Ой, Моня,я вас умоляю! Может, вам ещё показать, где я одинокая?

Chuck Norris can strangle a man with a cordless phone.

Do gynaecologists have to take an entrance exam?

If Chuck Norris had been on the Titanic, the iceberg would have sunk.

I know how it is going to end.

One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that you can get from your wife for free.

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he'll go towards the light and then turn it off.

Since my wife left I find that things are ----exactly where I left them.

- Василий Иваныч, а что главное в сексе?
- В сексе, Петька, главное чтобы не тебя!

Why are there self-help "groups"? Isn't it supposed to be "SELF" help?

I don't know who needs to know this but a furnace is, without a doubt, the best house warming gift.

When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."
- Albert Einstein

Worst thing about salsa dancing is getting the tomato stains out afterwards.

Terrible bird puns always create cheep laughs.

I’m making a couple of brief films about a British territory in the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t miss my award-winning Bermuda shorts!

When I go to sleep
I smell of strawberries
that's because
I wear pyJAMas.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris' workouts created Global Warming.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer??????
You put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

I'mma write a documentary about a family of whales. It'll be a podcast.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

Абрамчик, если ты будешь платить мне за каждый сброшенный килограмм по 100 долларов, то я быстро похудею.. - Сара, побойся Бога! Таких цен на сало нет ни в одной стране!!!

SAD NEWS!!
My new inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat!

I painted my trumpet turquoise and the other orchestra members are freaking out that I...

Blue my own horn.

When Chuck Norris finishes his meal at a restaurant, the server leaves him a tip.

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
- English Proverb

- Без закидонов баб нет...
- Есть, но их надувать надо:)

Chuck Norris once won a downhill go cart race.......going uphill......in a wheelbarrow.......with a flat tire.

Настоящего любителя задавать вопросы совсем не интересуют какие-то там дурацкие ответы.

Before I got married I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories!

You know a man is in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days...

Visit Afghanistan. You'll never know where you'll beheaded.

I don't know who needs to know this but if you swallowed a tool, it would be gut wrenching.

Chuck Norris once taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish.

When my wife woke up this morning she asked me what I was doing on the laptop
I told her I was looking for cheap flights
She gave me a kiss and cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast
I thought that was unusual as she's never shown any interest in me playing darts before

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family games night.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Want to make a car dealer uncomfortable?
Just say "Tell me if you can hear this?"
Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Once Chuck Norris was upset with a woman and he showed her his middle finger.
Nine months later, she gave birth to a baby.

When Chuck Norris' phone rings at the cinema,
they put the movie on pause.

- Сарочка, а Вы любите язык под хреном?
- Хам!
- Извращенка!

Yesterday my wife sent me to the grocery store for kosher pork tenderloin. I went to 4 grocery stores, and none of them even heard of it. Last week she sent me out for a quart of duck milk. I’m beginning to get suspicious.

Chuck Norris needs a stunt double to do crying scenes.

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.

Chuck Norris can fold your clothes while you are still wearing them.

Neil Armstrong?
Weird. Whenever I kneel, it’s because my legs are strong. Not my arms.

I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.

Он сказал, что по форме моей груди может определить характер. Грудь я ему показывать не стала, а сразу показала характер.

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”

That hibernation season has neared
Squirrels have started gathering NUTS
I can't find two of my best friends.

I hear there’s some guy going around and stealing Red Bull and coffee from the poor. I don’t know how he can sleep at night.

- Пап, а почему у нас национальность, по маме определяют?
- Изя, сынок! Потому, что только мама точно знает: КТО ТВОЙ ПАПА.

Catapults are just angry spoons.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Fruit Stripes gum doesn’t lose flavor when Chuck Norris chews it.

"OMG! Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"
"Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

Нет такой ситуации, из которой мы не могли бы выйти с позором.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?
A: Arrrrrr Kelly.

Long line at my Urologist Dr's Office ,I'm pissed.

Наум Маркович, читая "Сказку о рыбаке и рыбке", никак не мог понять, почему дед не попросил у рыбки другую бабку?

I heard, that when the carrot died, there was a big turnip at his funeral.......

Эксперты из Роскосмоса уверены, что расписанная хохломой ракета будет прочнее, чем перемотанная синей изолентой.

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

My girlfriend said I smell. I said "Of course I do, it's one of my 5 senses."

Хороший хозяин собак всегда накормит, а если останется, то и детей.

"We know you're tired, tired, and scared. Happens to everyone, okay? Just don't let your feet stop."
Haruki Murakami

I went to see Dr Hook last week.
It was the worst prostate exam I've ever had.

Famed scientist, Robert Oppenheimer, was heard to say, "Nuke, I am your father'!!

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A-plus for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

Chuck Norris went to Spain for the running of the bulls.
The bulls quit.