Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Chuck Norris once took a CPR class; he brought the dummy back to life.

I just ate a map of Montana and now I feel MT inside.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

Please remember that for every Rich Tea biscuit, there are thousands of Tea biscuits living in abject poverty....

I'm just saying if Barney the Dinosaur WAS King, it would definitely, 100% be a...purple reign.

Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

Today my yoga instructor was really drunk..
Which put me in an awkward position

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
Unfortunately I can't go.

Объявление. «Мадам в возрасте ищет работу. Секс и шитьё не предлагать. Шитьё категорически».

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

Wife:😠"Why do you ALWAYS make weather references in your conversations??"
"Well, I haven't the foggiest." I told her, then proceeded to storm out of the room.

Chuck Norris could run for public office as a Republican in Massachusetts and win.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown was the baddest man in the whole dammed town until he bumped into Chuck Norris.

I answered the door, and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

In re-reading 'The House of Seven Gables' for the 10th time, I still don't find Clark's name mentioned anywhere!

Why should you never go for a jog if it is raining cats and dogs outside?
You might step in a poodle!

"Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old"
- Jonathan Swift, 'Gulliver's Travels'

A global study reveals that #7 and #13 are the most popular favorite numbers.
Maybe it's just me but I find them...odd.

Be careful to hold your directional compass correctly!! For if you hold it upside-down, well, everything will go...south.

When a friend told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought he was lying…
It’s Trudeau.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

In the pub and I’ve just been introduced to the guy who invented the window sill…..what a ledge!

What do donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch !!!!!
Half an hour like everyone else...

When Chuck Norris calls customer service a representative answers before the phone rings.

Name a better phrase than 'a delay in the bride's arrival'.
Aisle wait.

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

Chuck Norris once prank called 911, 911 called back and apologized...

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

- Алло, это служба психологической поддержки?
- Да, чем мы можем вам помочь?
- Скажите, что я кися...

A stranger is just a friend you don't know.

Keith, worked in a factory, he had lost an eye in an unfortunate accident , so everyone started callin him keth.

Santa goes to Chuck Norris' house on Christmas eve, to get all the presents he will deliver.

A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit,and a crab with a whale for a daughter:The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.

My son got tattoos of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond, against my wishes.
I'll deal with him later.

I saw two policemen chasing a person who has just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

Chuck Norris doesn't abuse Alcohol...He teaches it a FUCKing lesson!!!!

Mining is boring.

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’

I can't tell if I like my new blender or not.
It keeps giving me mixed results.

The difference between superman and CHUCK NORRIS?
Superman has a weakness.

How does a demon stay fit?
He exorcises.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
~ Woody Allen

Before he starts a new job, CHUCK NORRIS needs to meet with HR to see if they're good enough to keep their jobs,

girlfriend: I'm seeing someone behind your back.
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa ?

Что подарить человеку, у которого всё есть?
В России это может быть только совесть.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?
Because it's time-consuming, and you always want seconds.

If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.
It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

— Алло! Отдел кадров? Здравствуйте. Моя фамилия — Рабинович. Вам нужны такие специалисты?

Мудрость приходит с возрастом, но иногда возраст приходит один.

- У меня жуткая депрессия.. Я такая толстая и одинокая!
- Что ви говорите Сарочка??? Ви толстая??!! Где? Покажите!
- Ой, Моня,я вас умоляю! Может, вам ещё показать, где я одинокая?

Chuck Norris can strangle a man with a cordless phone.

Do gynaecologists have to take an entrance exam?

If Chuck Norris had been on the Titanic, the iceberg would have sunk.

I know how it is going to end.

One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that you can get from your wife for free.

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he'll go towards the light and then turn it off.

Since my wife left I find that things are ----exactly where I left them.

- Василий Иваныч, а что главное в сексе?
- В сексе, Петька, главное чтобы не тебя!

Why are there self-help "groups"? Isn't it supposed to be "SELF" help?

I don't know who needs to know this but a furnace is, without a doubt, the best house warming gift.

When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."
- Albert Einstein

Worst thing about salsa dancing is getting the tomato stains out afterwards.

Terrible bird puns always create cheep laughs.

I’m making a couple of brief films about a British territory in the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t miss my award-winning Bermuda shorts!

When I go to sleep
I smell of strawberries
that's because
I wear pyJAMas.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris' workouts created Global Warming.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer??????
You put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

I'mma write a documentary about a family of whales. It'll be a podcast.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

Абрамчик, если ты будешь платить мне за каждый сброшенный килограмм по 100 долларов, то я быстро похудею.. - Сара, побойся Бога! Таких цен на сало нет ни в одной стране!!!

SAD NEWS!!
My new inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat!

I painted my trumpet turquoise and the other orchestra members are freaking out that I...

Blue my own horn.

When Chuck Norris finishes his meal at a restaurant, the server leaves him a tip.

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
- English Proverb

- Без закидонов баб нет...
- Есть, но их надувать надо:)

Chuck Norris once won a downhill go cart race.......going uphill......in a wheelbarrow.......with a flat tire.