Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Guns wear a Chuck Norris proof vest for protection.

I dunno about you but whenever I go to Dairy Queen, I always get the shakes.

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

When chuck Norris went to college he told his dad it was time to step up and be man of the house.

I went to a fancy dress pool party once. There was a large cue outside.

My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

They say you've got to spend money to make money.

I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?

Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Lizards are just 4 wheel drive snakes.

I wish I was a little kid so I could take a long nap and people would just be proud of me.

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lollipop with a couple of rabbits?
A: A sucker born every minute.

Господь любит атеистов.
Они не грузят его своими проблемами.

Chuck Norris already bought Iphone 14.

- Ты же сказал, что мы просто кофе выпьем!
- Мне вынуть?
- Нет...просто не ври мне больше...

I stole a lorry load of mirrors. Which, upon reflection, wasn’t a great idea.

My wife told me I look better without my glasses.
I said thanks you look better without my glasses too.

- Марик, а если ты поймаешь золотую рыбку, то шо у неё попросишь?
- Таки волшебную палочку...

Fun fact: When Chuck Norris installed Windows…Microsoft agreed to HIS terms and conditions.

- Соломон Яковлевич, в чём самая большая мужская проблема?
- Эх, Фима... Не успеешь жениться на молодой, как тут же подрастают ещё моложе...

Chuck Norris can titty f@€k his way out of a Booby trap.

Spotted Santa’s assistant taking a photo in a mirror. Think it was an elfie.

I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

- Василий Иванович, а что будет, когда белых совсем не будет?
- Черные будут, Петька.

A bald friend painted rabbits on his head. They look like hares from a distance.

Why did the pie cross the road? Because it was meat & potato.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

They said I would get my leg cast off today, but they were just pulling my leg.

Chuck Norris doesnt get calls about his cars extended warranty.

I often wonder if horses notice the meaner rodeo cowboys and put them on their...
...buckit list.

Россияне самая читающая нация в мире. Между строк.

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesy credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

The flu had to have Chuck Norris shots every year.

Привоз.
- У вас есть дубленки с трихуелем?
- Есть, вот пожалуйста!
Женщина примеряет, расплачивается и уходит. Подходит продавец из соседнего контейнера.
- Покажи и мне дубленку с трихуелем, никогда в жизни не видел!
- Вот смотри ХХХL...

I think my wife is showing the early signs of alzheimer's.
She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

Got a new eco-friendly suit made of cactus leaves.
I look really sharp in it.

The first million people who send me £1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man. "
- T.S. Eliot

What is yellow and white and travels at 500 miles per hour? A pilot's egg sandwich.

Fort Knox has never been robbed due to a small sign om the door saying “This House is protected by Chuck Norris”….

Someone asked if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

Chuck Norris can stop eating Pringles whenever he wants.

The Window Cleaner was trying to get promotion by working their way up the Ladder.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing.
It's my oughtobiography.

CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again.

If you see someone over 40 out in public after 9pm, they 100% took a nap earlier in the day.

Chuck Norris talks during a silent movie.

My father was an amazing magician...he could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

Chuck Norris brought BBQ to a vegan potluck.

Наум Маркович, читая "Сказку о рыбаке и рыбке", никак не мог понять, почему дед не попросил у рыбки другую бабку?

Marrying a lady at 30 is like buying a newspaper in the evening.

Chuck Norris has been skydiving 17 times. He says that he really enjoys it and someday he may even try it with a parachute.

Владелец свингер-клуба - один из немногих людей, которые искренне верят, что люди меняются.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

- Батюшка, я слышу голос, он говорит какой я плохой и что мне нужно делать! Я бесноватый?
- Нет, ты женатый.

Ночной клуб "Ночной клуб" ищет креативного директора. Срочно.

Тёща – как ракета: на земле от неё толку никакого нету.

I flunked out of vegan culinary school, so I never got my Broccolaureate.

Just had my first UFO experience!
Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!

Flying saucers everywhere!

I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they're standing.

Just because I loved you at one point, doesn't mean I'll will always love you.
I'm not Whitney Houston.

If it look like a duck walks like a duck and sounds like a duck but chuck norris says it's a dog then it's a fricking dog!!!!

- Я хотел бы взять в вашем банке кредит на свою девушку.
- Как это?
- Ну, типа, цветы ей покупать, в кино водить...
- Это потребительский.
- Не говорите про неё так!

My wife is a terrible cook. She uses the Smoke Detector as a timer.

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?
"Fast 10... Your Seat Belts!"

How do you know that there is an elephant hiding in your bathroom? You can’t close the shower curtain.

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good boy.

"Scary, isn’t it? But what wonderful thing didn’t start out scary? "
- Isaac Marion

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.
Ask a sniper.

- Never talk to a girl about periods, pregnancy or ‘women problems’.
- She’ll ovary-act!

- What is it called if two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
- An oopsie-daisy!

- What do you call a pregnancy that starts while using birth control?
- A misconception.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a tyrant?
You can negotiate with a tyrant.

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

What’s common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy?
Ready or not, here I come!

5 Stages of Pregnancy:
a) Crying.
b) Peeing.
c) Crying because you peed.
d) Peeing because you’re crying.
e) The toilet is your home now.