Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Настоящего любителя задавать вопросы совсем не интересуют какие-то там дурацкие ответы.

Before I got married I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories!

You know a man is in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days...

Visit Afghanistan. You'll never know where you'll beheaded.

I don't know who needs to know this but if you swallowed a tool, it would be gut wrenching.

Chuck Norris once taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish.

When my wife woke up this morning she asked me what I was doing on the laptop
I told her I was looking for cheap flights
She gave me a kiss and cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast
I thought that was unusual as she's never shown any interest in me playing darts before

Boss: I need you here on time and ready to work.
Me: Pick one bro...

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family games night.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Want to make a car dealer uncomfortable?
Just say "Tell me if you can hear this?"
Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Once Chuck Norris was upset with a woman and he showed her his middle finger.
Nine months later, she gave birth to a baby.

When Chuck Norris' phone rings at the cinema,
they put the movie on pause.

- Сарочка, а Вы любите язык под хреном?
- Хам!
- Извращенка!

Yesterday my wife sent me to the grocery store for kosher pork tenderloin. I went to 4 grocery stores, and none of them even heard of it. Last week she sent me out for a quart of duck milk. I’m beginning to get suspicious.

Chuck Norris needs a stunt double to do crying scenes.

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorns.

Chuck Norris can fold your clothes while you are still wearing them.

Neil Armstrong?
Weird. Whenever I kneel, it’s because my legs are strong. Not my arms.

I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.

Он сказал, что по форме моей груди может определить характер. Грудь я ему показывать не стала, а сразу показала характер.

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”

That hibernation season has neared
Squirrels have started gathering NUTS
I can't find two of my best friends.

I hear there’s some guy going around and stealing Red Bull and coffee from the poor. I don’t know how he can sleep at night.

- Пап, а почему у нас национальность, по маме определяют?
- Изя, сынок! Потому, что только мама точно знает: КТО ТВОЙ ПАПА.

Catapults are just angry spoons.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Fruit Stripes gum doesn’t lose flavor when Chuck Norris chews it.

"OMG! Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"
"Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

Нет такой ситуации, из которой мы не могли бы выйти с позором.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate with a pedophile?
A: Arrrrrr Kelly.

Long line at my Urologist Dr's Office ,I'm pissed.

Наум Маркович, читая "Сказку о рыбаке и рыбке", никак не мог понять, почему дед не попросил у рыбки другую бабку?

I heard, that when the carrot died, there was a big turnip at his funeral.......

Эксперты из Роскосмоса уверены, что расписанная хохломой ракета будет прочнее, чем перемотанная синей изолентой.

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

My girlfriend said I smell. I said "Of course I do, it's one of my 5 senses."

Хороший хозяин собак всегда накормит, а если останется, то и детей.

"We know you're tired, tired, and scared. Happens to everyone, okay? Just don't let your feet stop."
Haruki Murakami

I went to see Dr Hook last week.
It was the worst prostate exam I've ever had.

Famed scientist, Robert Oppenheimer, was heard to say, "Nuke, I am your father'!!

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A-plus for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

Chuck Norris went to Spain for the running of the bulls.
The bulls quit.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Guns wear a Chuck Norris proof vest for protection.

I dunno about you but whenever I go to Dairy Queen, I always get the shakes.

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

When chuck Norris went to college he told his dad it was time to step up and be man of the house.

I went to a fancy dress pool party once. There was a large cue outside.

My bank called and told me I had an outstanding balance.
I replied: "Thanks, I used to do gymnastics" and then hung up.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

They say you've got to spend money to make money.

I feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?

Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Lizards are just 4 wheel drive snakes.

I wish I was a little kid so I could take a long nap and people would just be proud of me.

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lollipop with a couple of rabbits?
A: A sucker born every minute.

Господь любит атеистов.
Они не грузят его своими проблемами.

Chuck Norris already bought Iphone 14.

- Ты же сказал, что мы просто кофе выпьем!
- Мне вынуть?
- Нет...просто не ври мне больше...

I stole a lorry load of mirrors. Which, upon reflection, wasn’t a great idea.

My wife told me I look better without my glasses.
I said thanks you look better without my glasses too.

- Марик, а если ты поймаешь золотую рыбку, то шо у неё попросишь?
- Таки волшебную палочку...

Fun fact: When Chuck Norris installed Windows…Microsoft agreed to HIS terms and conditions.

- Соломон Яковлевич, в чём самая большая мужская проблема?
- Эх, Фима... Не успеешь жениться на молодой, как тут же подрастают ещё моложе...

Chuck Norris can titty f@€k his way out of a Booby trap.

Spotted Santa’s assistant taking a photo in a mirror. Think it was an elfie.

I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

- Василий Иванович, а что будет, когда белых совсем не будет?
- Черные будут, Петька.

A bald friend painted rabbits on his head. They look like hares from a distance.

Why did the pie cross the road? Because it was meat & potato.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

They said I would get my leg cast off today, but they were just pulling my leg.

Chuck Norris doesnt get calls about his cars extended warranty.

I often wonder if horses notice the meaner rodeo cowboys and put them on their...
...buckit list.

Россияне самая читающая нация в мире. Между строк.