Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesy credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

The flu had to have Chuck Norris shots every year.

Привоз.
- У вас есть дубленки с трихуелем?
- Есть, вот пожалуйста!
Женщина примеряет, расплачивается и уходит. Подходит продавец из соседнего контейнера.
- Покажи и мне дубленку с трихуелем, никогда в жизни не видел!
- Вот смотри ХХХL...

I think my wife is showing the early signs of alzheimer's.
She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

Got a new eco-friendly suit made of cactus leaves.
I look really sharp in it.

The first million people who send me £1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man. "
- T.S. Eliot

What is yellow and white and travels at 500 miles per hour? A pilot's egg sandwich.

Fort Knox has never been robbed due to a small sign om the door saying “This House is protected by Chuck Norris”….

Someone asked if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

Chuck Norris can stop eating Pringles whenever he wants.

The Window Cleaner was trying to get promotion by working their way up the Ladder.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing.
It's my oughtobiography.

CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again.

If you see someone over 40 out in public after 9pm, they 100% took a nap earlier in the day.

Chuck Norris talks during a silent movie.

My father was an amazing magician...he could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

Chuck Norris brought BBQ to a vegan potluck.

Наум Маркович, читая "Сказку о рыбаке и рыбке", никак не мог понять, почему дед не попросил у рыбки другую бабку?

Marrying a lady at 30 is like buying a newspaper in the evening.

Chuck Norris has been skydiving 17 times. He says that he really enjoys it and someday he may even try it with a parachute.

Владелец свингер-клуба - один из немногих людей, которые искренне верят, что люди меняются.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

- Батюшка, я слышу голос, он говорит какой я плохой и что мне нужно делать! Я бесноватый?
- Нет, ты женатый.

Ночной клуб "Ночной клуб" ищет креативного директора. Срочно.

Тёща – как ракета: на земле от неё толку никакого нету.

I flunked out of vegan culinary school, so I never got my Broccolaureate.

Just had my first UFO experience!
Told the Missus, her cooking was terrible!

Flying saucers everywhere!

I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they're standing.

Just because I loved you at one point, doesn't mean I'll will always love you.
I'm not Whitney Houston.

If it look like a duck walks like a duck and sounds like a duck but chuck norris says it's a dog then it's a fricking dog!!!!

- Я хотел бы взять в вашем банке кредит на свою девушку.
- Как это?
- Ну, типа, цветы ей покупать, в кино водить...
- Это потребительский.
- Не говорите про неё так!

My wife is a terrible cook. She uses the Smoke Detector as a timer.

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?
"Fast 10... Your Seat Belts!"

How do you know that there is an elephant hiding in your bathroom? You can’t close the shower curtain.

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good boy.

"Scary, isn’t it? But what wonderful thing didn’t start out scary? "
- Isaac Marion

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.
Ask a sniper.

- Never talk to a girl about periods, pregnancy or ‘women problems’.
- She’ll ovary-act!

- What is it called if two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
- An oopsie-daisy!

- What do you call a pregnancy that starts while using birth control?
- A misconception.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a tyrant?
You can negotiate with a tyrant.

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

What’s common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy?
Ready or not, here I come!

5 Stages of Pregnancy:
a) Crying.
b) Peeing.
c) Crying because you peed.
d) Peeing because you’re crying.
e) The toilet is your home now.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all.

Is there anything you should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Pregnancy.

How does being pregnant make you feel?
Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects.

How is a pregnant woman like a toddler?
She outgrows her clothes every week!

How to win an argument:
(a) Be pregnant.
(b) That’s it, you’re done!

What’s better than eating for two while pregnant?
Shopping for two.

How do you define pregnancy?
A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building.

They’ve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you don’t pee on your hand.
Listen, if you aren’t ready to have pee on your hand, then you’re definitely not ready to be a mom.

I’m pregnant, so I asked my husband to put the Oreos where I couldn’t reach them.
He put them on the floor.

How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?
Kinder surprise.

What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common?
You should’ve taken it out earlier.

What part of biology class do pregnant women fear?
The sea section.

I lost my voice today.
Can't tell you how annoying it is.

What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

You don’t have to study for a pregnancy test, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test?
Its period came too late.

Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary?
The chances are that if your parents didn’t get pregnant, you won’t either.

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require chickpea.

What do you call it when you’re unable to find someone to help you through your pregnancy?
A midwife crisis.

What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?
A good delivery.

Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.”
Student: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
Teacher: “Do you know what pregnant means?”
Student: “Yes, it means you’re carrying a child.”

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.
I got tired of labor manuals.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?
The swallow.

Woman: “Should I have a baby after 35?”
DOC: “No, 35 children is enough.”

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Он выбрал зло поменьше, подобрее.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

What is a frog’s favourite flavour of crisp? Croaky bacon.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3,5,7, and 9.
The odds were against me.

Chuck Norris starred in all the Star Wars movies. He was the force.

That awkward moment when you get mad at someone, slam the door, then you realize you forgot something, so you have to go back.

My son tied his first rope today.
Looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."

I once saw a street called Chuck Norris ave with nobody on it, that’s because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives to tell about it.