Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Chuck Norris convinced his grandmother that he was not hungry.

When Chuck Norris parents has a nightmare they ask Chuck Norris if they can spend a night in his room.

Chuck Norris can whistle with crackers in his mouth.

I can make coleslaw just by looking at a cabbage.
I slaw it with my own eyes.

If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble..you automatically win.

Chuck Norris knows everything. He even knows, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years? "

Me: "Listening, I'd say listening is my biggest weakness. "

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

There are many Yo Mamma jokes, But non about Chuck Norris’ mother…

When I get reincarnated I want to come back as expensive eye glasses, so I can make a spectacle of myself.

Did you know that tornadoes are formed when Chuck Norris round house kicks the air.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

Chuck Norris once went to a feminist rally and came home with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.

Do not accept friends requests from Hormel foods...it could be Spam.

Chuck Norris daughter lost her virginity and Chuck Norris got it back.

I'm just saying a 100 lb bag of soil for only $1 is, without a doubt, dirt cheap.

A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.

It's no coincidence that the tattoo on mike Tyson's face and the sole of chuck Norris's boots share the same pattern.

Interviewer: It says here you're fluent in Spanish?
Me: Oui Oui.
Interviewer: That's French actually.
Me: I better add that to my resume as well.

I dunno who needs to know this but Lego blocks are bad for the sole.

The wisest of all, in my opinion, is he who can, if only once a month, call himself a fool. ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I don't know who needs to know this but there is a play in chess called the "Bob Seger"...
...that's when the knight moves.

I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely.

I took a picture of a field of wheat.
It was grainy.

- Фима, ты знаешь, я когда выпью - никого не боюсь!
- Что, и даже свою Сару?
- Ну, до такой степени я ещё не напивался!

Кац жалуется Рабиновичу:
- Эти врачи рецепты пишут как курица лапой, а потом разобрать невозможно.
- Не знаю, не знаю... — отвечает Рабинович. - Я по своему рецепту год бесплатно ездил в транспорте, три раза ходил в театр, а вчера, ты не поверишь, обменял его на акции Газпрома.

I've tried to make friends but I just can't get the DNA sequence right.

« You don’t love because: you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults. »
William Faulkner

Кот первый встал, того и тапки.

Roses are red booger’s are green please leave your message on this stupid machine.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Road Kill Cafe – you kill ’em, we grill ’em. Leave your order after the beep.

Hello!! If it’s you, I’m not available, If it’s NOT you, leave A message!

I’m not here right now, so you have two choices. You can:
A.) Leave a message
B.) Don’t leave a message
You make the decision. It’s in your hands.

If you want to know where I am, call a psychic. If you’re too lazy to do that just leave me a message.

Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you’re an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!

I have nothing to say to you. So leave a message.

You know the drill.

Hi. Now you say something.

Voicemail. Speak.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hey, it’s Bratusnet. I’m trying to spice up my voicemail, so if you’re going to leave a message, please make it rhyme.

In an attempt to crack down on spam and nearly-sentient robots, please provide the captcha below to confirm you are a human before being allowed to access Bratusnet voicemail.

Hi, I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the phone but if you hop 3 times, spin around, touch your nose and say your name, then leave me a message after the beep, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

Bratusnet voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. I’m not here right now, so leave a message! Make it short, make it sweet, or I’ll have to press delete.

Please repeat the secret code and if you get it right, I will call you back!

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi, this is Bratusnet. If you’re part of the problem, hang up now. If you’re part of the solution, leave a message.

В сущности, турнепс и репа - одно и то же. Но вот выражение "чесать репу" вполне нейтрально, а "почёсывать свой турнепс" звучит интригующе...В сущности, турнепс и репа - одно и то же. Но вот выражение "чесать репу" вполне нейтрально, а "почёсывать свой турнепс" звучит интригующе...

I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

People can't use you if you're useless.

If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly.
You don't want to hire anyone unlucky.

Did you hear the one about the fortunate piss?
Well, urine luck.

Did you hear about the unlucky man on the North Pole?
No matter how hard he tried, things would always go south.

"Good luck with your doctor appointment" I said
The girlfriend tells me "I'm just going to fill out some papers so they'll accept me as a patient."

"We'll don't be in a hurry to get the papers" I said "They won't take you if you're not patient"

What do you call consistent bad luck on the highway?
Car-ma.

Heard about this guy, he has the worst luck.
He stole a biology textbook, and got like a million life sentences!

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I start my internship at an electric company.
It’s my induction day.

How do you call a lady with bad luck?
Miss Fortune.

Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?
So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

What's the favorite song of bad luck?
Misfor- tune.

A wife got so mad at her husband
she packed his bags and told him
to get out.
As he walked to the door she
yelled, "I hope you die a long,
slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So,
you want me to stay?"

Why are women bad luck at hockey games?
Because they never have good periods.

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

You guys asked for a joke? Well you’re in luck, cause you already are one!

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think well better luck next time.