Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If I was on a desert island, the record that I would most like to have is for long distance swimming.

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

“I’m Not So Excited” – the Disappointer Sisters.

Walked into a music shop and the manager said, “Good morning”. I said “You too”. He said, “Second aisle on the left”.

My local dress alteration company is really fast. Tailor swift.

What do you call a computer loaded with pop music?
A Dell.

Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons?
Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.

Not only is Pop music disgusting by the chorus, but also per verse.

There was a young attorney named Justin Case. Just in case you didn't know the first case he tried was prosecuting a man that stole a suitcase.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can't keep it in their plants.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.

I passed a guy with a cup sitting outside a 7-Eleven. When I walked out, he said, “Any change?”
I said, “No, you look the same as when I walked in.”

I let a French family stay at my house in Azerbaijan.
When they left, they said, "Merci Baku!"

I phoned my wife on the way home from work today. I said " I have finished early, shall I stop and picked up fish and chips?".

The phone went an awkward silence for a minute, I think she still regrets me naming the twins.

Scientists now believe the pterydactyl could urinate without making a sound.

Their pee was silent.

I used to work for a submarine company, but it went under.

Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.
Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road
When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ever see. If I were you I would have kick the dog's butt instead of rewarding it.

The blind gentleman says: Yes, so would I normally. But I first have to figure out which end is the butt.

An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.
The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"

"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.
After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..
"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.
In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.

"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restaurant in my life. It was called...um...uh...that flower, what's that flower that smells good, it's got red petals, and it's got thorns up and down the stem--"

His friend replies, "A rose?"

"Yes!" He turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.
After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will five times already!"

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

My penis is a gentleman.
It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

One thing I can’t deal with..
..is a deck of cards glued together.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leave together.

The next night, the older guy is there, and the same thing happens. Same guy enters, sits at the bar, orders a drink, and quickly finds another attractive young thing, whispers in her ear, and they leave together.

Next night, unbelievably, it happens again. So on the fourth night, the older guy finally stops the younger guy and asks, "Excuse me, but how are you doing that? I've seen you pick up 3 ladies in 3 nights". The younger guy replies, "It's easy, I just whisper 'Tickle your ass with a feather?'. If they say yes, then we leave. If they are offended, then I tell them I said 'Typically nasty weather'."

The older guy thanks the younger one and waits for his turn. Eventually a single lady plants herself at the bar. After a few minutes, the older guy goes over and shouts "Stick a feather in your ass?" The lady turns around and glares at him, "Excuse me?"

"Fucking rain."

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.
Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in again:

"Sir, Flash flood, the River is..."

But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!"

James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states.

"Sir, it is my very good honor to introduce to you the river Thames"

John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the ticket for real, to find out where I am going"

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

The age of consent here is 17. But I am a gentleman...
I ask for consent regardless of age!

Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.
He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads home.
For a few weeks, he makes this an almost nightly tribute.
But about a month after the man started, the bartender notices that it's been a little longer than usual since he's seen his regular customer. Finally though, he's relieved to see the man come in - albeit, looking depressed. "Three shots?" asks the barman.
With a sigh, the customer responds "just two from now on".
"Oh no," says the bartender. "I'm so sorry. Is it Seamus, or Michael?"
"It's not that," the man says. "I've just decided to quit drinking."

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...
...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"
The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feathers?"

He died the way he lived. Experiencing massive heart trauma.

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....
A gentleman approached the lady and said .....
"Ma'am, ....
I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....
The lady replied, ......
"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away".....
"I understand,..ma'am,.....but .... you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said,
- "Sir, .... anything you see down that is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”
The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?
A ginger bred man.

Two body builders were argueing which exercise was best for them.
They asked their coach to weigh in on the issue.

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I am always a Gentleman.
I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

Жили они долго и счастливо, пока ни развелись. А потом стали жить ещё дольше и счастливей.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

If smoking's not allowed at my funeral I'm not going!

I went to a Maize Maze.

It was corn-fusing.

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?
Killed, you get killed!

I will listen to Elton John’s “Rocket Man” until I finish mowing.

I think it’s gonna be a long lawn time.

I don't tell enough jokes about porridge.
I oat to do more.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right….

Son: Why do you call Dad 'Slinky'?
Mom: Well, he's not good for much but I can't help but smile when he falls down the stairs.

Если молитва - это твоё обращение к Богу, то интуиция - это разговор Бога с тобой.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

I went over to my friend's house and he told me to treat his house as if it was my own.
So I sold it.

Then there was the guy who was terrified of beards. One day he bravely decided to grow his own.
This guy, well, he faced his fear.

Time is not yours nor theirs...
It's hours.

"Death is nothing, it's life that's hard."
~ Charles Bukowski

When Chuck Norris goes into court the judge stands up.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”
- Walt Disney

Chuck Norris can clog a toilet with his urine.

So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in?

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shift?

A flat miner.

I got bored at the cinema watching a film about a young hen, it was a chick flick.

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.

Большинство из тех, кто делает вид, что они тупые, на самом деле тупые.

I joined a group named “Hotel California” and I didn’t like it. I tried to exit the group, but I was informed I could never leave.

The least interesting pig of the species is the bore.

Chuck Norris can tell a joke to a blonde and she will get it.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

My grocery list:
1. Don't run into anyone I know.
2. Eggs.

NOT ONLY WAS HE kicked out of the rock group for being obnoxious, but he was not allowed back in the lounge.
In other words he was...banned from the band and barred from the bar.

“I’m worried that these plants are made of plastic”

“They’re not”

“Ah good. That’s a real leaf”