Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.
They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises
With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?"
she replied "It isn't in yet"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!"

So, you have a pee fetish?
Well urine luck!

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

America is going through such bad luck at the moment.
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

What do you call a handjob from a leprechaun?
A stroke of luck.

I’ve always had bad luck with women.
My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: Are you kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

What’s the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?
Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.
Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.
One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'
His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.
As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.

As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.

My friend is a man of extreme luck. He won the Russian roulette 5 times in a row!

I only have luck dating meteorologists...
They only expect 3 to 5 inches

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...
He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!!" Complained the man.

Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine." Said the man, "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account."

"Done" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth. Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12 inch penis."

"Done" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" The genie asks.

The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me."

Многие люди читают лишь для того, чтобы иметь право не думать.
© Георг Лихтенберг

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

" To err is human; to forgive, divine."
- Alexander Pope

- Доктор, у меня зубы желтеют.
- А что Вы, батенька, хотели - осень...

I just saw two really large spiders dancing to some 1980s music.
I think they were Duran Durantulas.

Madonna is tryin to get Spice Girls back together.
Only condition is she gets to join them. They gonna call her Old Spice.

Why can't Madonna walk through walls?
Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

The Bangles are getting their own cooking show. Wok Like an Egyptian.

How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?
Play "Spice Girls" songs while you cook.

Which pokemon listens to Aha?
Takemeon.

Which band doesn’t make music?
One Direction

Why Did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men ? He thought they were a delivery service.

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died… His version was to be called “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me”

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
Neither has he.

Who is Thor’s favorite singer?
MC Hammer.

Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
Seal.

What do you call an animal who tries to be a pop star?
Justin BEAVER!

I'm starting a one-man band. Email me if you're interested.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Brittney Spears.
Brittney Spears who?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Oops! I did it again!

How does Lady Gaga like her meat?
Raw raw raw!

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.

Where does Kylie get her kebabs? From Jason’s Donner van.

What does Bob say to his friends? “I hope you like jammin’ too”….

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi Jammin’…

Great new band called the Blank Cheques. They’re still unsigned.

I was doing karaoke the other night, and all the songs were old disco classics. At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

Bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Still can’t find my way out of Paris.
I also bought a Bonnie Tyler car. Every now and then it falls apart.

If I was on a desert island, the record that I would most like to have is for long distance swimming.

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

“I’m Not So Excited” – the Disappointer Sisters.

Walked into a music shop and the manager said, “Good morning”. I said “You too”. He said, “Second aisle on the left”.

My local dress alteration company is really fast. Tailor swift.

What do you call a computer loaded with pop music?
A Dell.

Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons?
Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.

Not only is Pop music disgusting by the chorus, but also per verse.

There was a young attorney named Justin Case. Just in case you didn't know the first case he tried was prosecuting a man that stole a suitcase.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can't keep it in their plants.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.

I passed a guy with a cup sitting outside a 7-Eleven. When I walked out, he said, “Any change?”
I said, “No, you look the same as when I walked in.”

I let a French family stay at my house in Azerbaijan.
When they left, they said, "Merci Baku!"

I phoned my wife on the way home from work today. I said " I have finished early, shall I stop and picked up fish and chips?".

The phone went an awkward silence for a minute, I think she still regrets me naming the twins.

Scientists now believe the pterydactyl could urinate without making a sound.

Their pee was silent.

I used to work for a submarine company, but it went under.

Hold a door for a lady and you are called a Gentleman.
Hold a revolving door and people will call you an Asshole.

Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road
When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ever see. If I were you I would have kick the dog's butt instead of rewarding it.

The blind gentleman says: Yes, so would I normally. But I first have to figure out which end is the butt.

An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.
The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"

"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.
After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..
"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.
In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.

"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restaurant in my life. It was called...um...uh...that flower, what's that flower that smells good, it's got red petals, and it's got thorns up and down the stem--"

His friend replies, "A rose?"

"Yes!" He turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.
After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will five times already!"

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....
out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

My penis is a gentleman.
It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

One thing I can’t deal with..
..is a deck of cards glued together.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leave together.

The next night, the older guy is there, and the same thing happens. Same guy enters, sits at the bar, orders a drink, and quickly finds another attractive young thing, whispers in her ear, and they leave together.

Next night, unbelievably, it happens again. So on the fourth night, the older guy finally stops the younger guy and asks, "Excuse me, but how are you doing that? I've seen you pick up 3 ladies in 3 nights". The younger guy replies, "It's easy, I just whisper 'Tickle your ass with a feather?'. If they say yes, then we leave. If they are offended, then I tell them I said 'Typically nasty weather'."

The older guy thanks the younger one and waits for his turn. Eventually a single lady plants herself at the bar. After a few minutes, the older guy goes over and shouts "Stick a feather in your ass?" The lady turns around and glares at him, "Excuse me?"

"Fucking rain."

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.
Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in again:

"Sir, Flash flood, the River is..."

But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!"

James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states.

"Sir, it is my very good honor to introduce to you the river Thames"

John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the ticket for real, to find out where I am going"

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

The age of consent here is 17. But I am a gentleman...
I ask for consent regardless of age!

Medical insurance doesn’t cover everything. Neither do hospital gowns.