Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.
He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads home.
For a few weeks, he makes this an almost nightly tribute.
But about a month after the man started, the bartender notices that it's been a little longer than usual since he's seen his regular customer. Finally though, he's relieved to see the man come in - albeit, looking depressed. "Three shots?" asks the barman.
With a sigh, the customer responds "just two from now on".
"Oh no," says the bartender. "I'm so sorry. Is it Seamus, or Michael?"
"It's not that," the man says. "I've just decided to quit drinking."

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...
...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"
The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feathers?"

He died the way he lived. Experiencing massive heart trauma.

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....
A gentleman approached the lady and said .....
"Ma'am, ....
I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....
The lady replied, ......
"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away".....
"I understand,..ma'am,.....but .... you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said,
- "Sir, .... anything you see down that is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”
The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?
A ginger bred man.

Two body builders were argueing which exercise was best for them.
They asked their coach to weigh in on the issue.

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I am always a Gentleman.
I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

Жили они долго и счастливо, пока ни развелись. А потом стали жить ещё дольше и счастливей.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

If smoking's not allowed at my funeral I'm not going!

I went to a Maize Maze.

It was corn-fusing.

What do you get when you cross a bear and a lion?
Killed, you get killed!

I will listen to Elton John’s “Rocket Man” until I finish mowing.

I think it’s gonna be a long lawn time.

I don't tell enough jokes about porridge.
I oat to do more.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right….

Son: Why do you call Dad 'Slinky'?
Mom: Well, he's not good for much but I can't help but smile when he falls down the stairs.

Если молитва - это твоё обращение к Богу, то интуиция - это разговор Бога с тобой.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

I went over to my friend's house and he told me to treat his house as if it was my own.
So I sold it.

Then there was the guy who was terrified of beards. One day he bravely decided to grow his own.
This guy, well, he faced his fear.

Time is not yours nor theirs...
It's hours.

"Death is nothing, it's life that's hard."
~ Charles Bukowski

When Chuck Norris goes into court the judge stands up.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”
- Walt Disney

Chuck Norris can clog a toilet with his urine.

So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in?

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shift?

A flat miner.

I got bored at the cinema watching a film about a young hen, it was a chick flick.

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.

Большинство из тех, кто делает вид, что они тупые, на самом деле тупые.

I joined a group named “Hotel California” and I didn’t like it. I tried to exit the group, but I was informed I could never leave.

The least interesting pig of the species is the bore.

Chuck Norris can tell a joke to a blonde and she will get it.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

My grocery list:
1. Don't run into anyone I know.
2. Eggs.

NOT ONLY WAS HE kicked out of the rock group for being obnoxious, but he was not allowed back in the lounge.
In other words he was...banned from the band and barred from the bar.

“I’m worried that these plants are made of plastic”

“They’re not”

“Ah good. That’s a real leaf”

My Late-Uncle was a Fire Eater.
He only performed once.

If you feel unsure after deciding to work for another coal factory other than the one you're at, remember...

It's ok to change your mine.

У тебя сегодня день рождения. Чего принести?
— Ну... я не люблю сладкое и цветы.
— Тогда полусладкое и траву?

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club whenever he damn well pleases!

When Chuck Norris goes to church and enters a Confession booth.... the priest does the Confessing.

Chuck Norris was once Rushed to the ER after a fight... The doctor just wanted to show him what he did to the other guy.

I'm just saying that whoever wins a race with someone to the juice in the fridge...
did beat them to the punch.

Before the Boogie man goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Сын: - Пап, ты узнал тест ДНК?
Отец: - Зови меня дядей Витей.

When Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, he already had a pending friend invite from Chuck Norris.

Big foot tells his grandchildren he saw Chuck Norris but they don't believe him.

Chuck Norris won an Academy Award for his colonoscopy.

I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.

Wife:(dealing cards)"Whoever loses this poker hand gets the clothes out of the dryer."
Long story short, I folded...
...twice.

If you pay someone to kill you… is it murder or suicide ?

I went to a bar where a leopard was sitting on my favorite seat. He refused to move because a leopard never changes his spots.

I had nothing to do and I wrote in front of the condo: "I slept with your wife!" Everyone got agitated.

Starting a band called The Radiators, at the moment we're just a warm up act.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

"Computers in the future may have only 1000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh only 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, 1949

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

It was my choice to get thrown out of Automotive school.
They gave me an independent suspension.

I dunno about you but having some Kentucky Fried Chicken is definitely on my bucket list.

Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
It’s a running joke.

I went to a concert the other night. Though the admission was reasonable, I didn't care for the band and want my Nickelback!!!!

When astronauts die they run an orbituary.

2 cannibals eating a guy.
1 starts at the head, the other starts at the feet.
The one at the head asks the other one,
"How ya doing down there?"
"Oh, I'm havin a ball."
"Slow down, you're eating too fast."

What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a moostache.

I used to go out with a girl who’s left eye was missing.
She was a right looker...

Violence is never the answer.

Unless the question is 'What is never the answer?'

Car puns drive me crazy.

Wife:(from kitchen)"You want chicken wings?"
Him:(yells back)"No I want...😎...brave wings!!"
Her:"What?"
Him:"What?"

99 percent of Scientists agree with who ever Funds them!!FDA too!!

I couldn’t work out how to hold a bag of pasta. Then the penne dropped.