Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.

Большинство из тех, кто делает вид, что они тупые, на самом деле тупые.

I joined a group named “Hotel California” and I didn’t like it. I tried to exit the group, but I was informed I could never leave.

The least interesting pig of the species is the bore.

Chuck Norris can tell a joke to a blonde and she will get it.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

My grocery list:
1. Don't run into anyone I know.
2. Eggs.

NOT ONLY WAS HE kicked out of the rock group for being obnoxious, but he was not allowed back in the lounge.
In other words he was...banned from the band and barred from the bar.

“I’m worried that these plants are made of plastic”

“They’re not”

“Ah good. That’s a real leaf”

My Late-Uncle was a Fire Eater.
He only performed once.

If you feel unsure after deciding to work for another coal factory other than the one you're at, remember...

It's ok to change your mine.

У тебя сегодня день рождения. Чего принести?
— Ну... я не люблю сладкое и цветы.
— Тогда полусладкое и траву?

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club whenever he damn well pleases!

When Chuck Norris goes to church and enters a Confession booth.... the priest does the Confessing.

Chuck Norris was once Rushed to the ER after a fight... The doctor just wanted to show him what he did to the other guy.

I'm just saying that whoever wins a race with someone to the juice in the fridge...
did beat them to the punch.

Before the Boogie man goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Сын: - Пап, ты узнал тест ДНК?
Отец: - Зови меня дядей Витей.

When Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, he already had a pending friend invite from Chuck Norris.

Big foot tells his grandchildren he saw Chuck Norris but they don't believe him.

Chuck Norris won an Academy Award for his colonoscopy.

I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.

Wife:(dealing cards)"Whoever loses this poker hand gets the clothes out of the dryer."
Long story short, I folded...
...twice.

If you pay someone to kill you… is it murder or suicide ?

I went to a bar where a leopard was sitting on my favorite seat. He refused to move because a leopard never changes his spots.

I had nothing to do and I wrote in front of the condo: "I slept with your wife!" Everyone got agitated.

Starting a band called The Radiators, at the moment we're just a warm up act.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

"Computers in the future may have only 1000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh only 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, 1949

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

It was my choice to get thrown out of Automotive school.
They gave me an independent suspension.

I dunno about you but having some Kentucky Fried Chicken is definitely on my bucket list.

Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
It’s a running joke.

I went to a concert the other night. Though the admission was reasonable, I didn't care for the band and want my Nickelback!!!!

When astronauts die they run an orbituary.

2 cannibals eating a guy.
1 starts at the head, the other starts at the feet.
The one at the head asks the other one,
"How ya doing down there?"
"Oh, I'm havin a ball."
"Slow down, you're eating too fast."

What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a moostache.

I used to go out with a girl who’s left eye was missing.
She was a right looker...

Violence is never the answer.

Unless the question is 'What is never the answer?'

Car puns drive me crazy.

Wife:(from kitchen)"You want chicken wings?"
Him:(yells back)"No I want...😎...brave wings!!"
Her:"What?"
Him:"What?"

99 percent of Scientists agree with who ever Funds them!!FDA too!!

I couldn’t work out how to hold a bag of pasta. Then the penne dropped.

My friend had a theory on inertia but it never seemed to gain momentum.

Strong minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Weak minds discuss people.
• Socrates

I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool? Show me your mussels.

If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."

Встречаются две кошки, армянская и одесская:
- Мяу, да-а?
- Ой, таки мяу!

— Мне белого полусухого.
— Ну, подсох у нас немного хлеб, зачем же подкалывать?

My Eastern European friend got a job at AT&T. Now he's a telephone Pole.

Van Gogh chose painting over composing because he lacked an ear for music.

Wife: Darling, give me a nice compliment...
Husband: You got
a fantastic husband.

"The purpose of literature is to turn blood into ink."
~ T.S. Eliot

Critical Race Theory:
The best driver in the fastest car usually WINS!!

Whenever I start dating a new guy, I have him checked out.....cause, ya gotta do your dude-diligence.....

I’m thinking of starting a group for insomniacs if anybody’s up for it.

I live alone and I'm looking for a microwave that doesn't beep so loud, letting everyone else know that I'm eating again.

It’s kind of ironic that computers now ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Thanks for accepting my friend request.
You'll regret it soon enough.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.

My wife left me because of my love of auctions.
She was going, going, gone.

A man leads a horse by the bridle, on the road. A guy asks him.
-Man where are you taking that horse?
-To the vet.
-Horse is sick?
-No.
-Blind?
-No?
-Lame?
-No.
-Not eating anymore?
-No.
-Then why taking the horse to the vet?
-Its his horse.

Green is my favorite color, I like it more than Blue and Yellow combined.

What do sheep wear to bed?
Baaajamas.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

There was a baby ant that went crazy, because all of his uncles were ants!

Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Domino's."

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.

What’s Robin Hood’s favourite type of alcohol? Cider. Because he’s got a really strong bow.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ᴉ ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

- И я вам замечу, Фима, из моего опыта, шо портниха без юбки - это таки лучше, чем сапожник без сапог...

❝ Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ❞
~ James Joyce

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, and helps you live longer.
UNTIL THEY START TO SNORE.

I'm like a superhero with no powers or motivation.