Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My friend had a theory on inertia but it never seemed to gain momentum.

Strong minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Weak minds discuss people.
• Socrates

I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool? Show me your mussels.

If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."

Встречаются две кошки, армянская и одесская:
- Мяу, да-а?
- Ой, таки мяу!

— Мне белого полусухого.
— Ну, подсох у нас немного хлеб, зачем же подкалывать?

My Eastern European friend got a job at AT&T. Now he's a telephone Pole.

Van Gogh chose painting over composing because he lacked an ear for music.

Wife: Darling, give me a nice compliment...
Husband: You got
a fantastic husband.

"The purpose of literature is to turn blood into ink."
~ T.S. Eliot

Critical Race Theory:
The best driver in the fastest car usually WINS!!

Whenever I start dating a new guy, I have him checked out.....cause, ya gotta do your dude-diligence.....

I’m thinking of starting a group for insomniacs if anybody’s up for it.

I live alone and I'm looking for a microwave that doesn't beep so loud, letting everyone else know that I'm eating again.

It’s kind of ironic that computers now ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner ~ he’s a boxer.

Thanks for accepting my friend request.
You'll regret it soon enough.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.

My wife left me because of my love of auctions.
She was going, going, gone.

A man leads a horse by the bridle, on the road. A guy asks him.
-Man where are you taking that horse?
-To the vet.
-Horse is sick?
-No.
-Blind?
-No?
-Lame?
-No.
-Not eating anymore?
-No.
-Then why taking the horse to the vet?
-Its his horse.

Green is my favorite color, I like it more than Blue and Yellow combined.

What do sheep wear to bed?
Baaajamas.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

There was a baby ant that went crazy, because all of his uncles were ants!

Please God take me back to being 12 and let me start again and mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Domino's."

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.

What’s Robin Hood’s favourite type of alcohol? Cider. Because he’s got a really strong bow.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ᴉ ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

- И я вам замечу, Фима, из моего опыта, шо портниха без юбки - это таки лучше, чем сапожник без сапог...

❝ Mistakes are the portals of discovery. ❞
~ James Joyce

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, and helps you live longer.
UNTIL THEY START TO SNORE.

I'm like a superhero with no powers or motivation.

Heard a joke about two helium atoms. He he.

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

I was so desperate to get a part in a Broadway play, that my friend said, 'Break a leg!'
I thought, 'What a terrible thing to say,' but now I'm in the cast!

If I can't perfect human cloning, I won't be able to live with myself.

I may not be as sharp or young or good looking or funny or active or talented um... I forgot where I was going with this.

Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some
toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

— Ты протрезвел?
— Про что?...

I grew up with 6 sisters. That's how I learned to dance...waiting for the bathroom.

- Прежде, чем жениться, сынок, ты должен понять, что семья станет для тебя всем. Поэтому подумай, что для тебя важней - все или семья.

“The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.”
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

For all of you that believe in reincarnation..Welcome back!

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship."
- Lord Byron

—Hijo, tu flojera te va a llevar a lo peor
— Bueno, por lo menos me va a llevar y no tengo que caminar.

Из биографии :за 9 месяцев до моего рождения я пошел на вечеринку с моим папой, а пришёл домой с мамой.

Новая акция правительства России: "Поддержи отечественного монополиста!".

When you are no longer covered by your parents health insurance, it means that your manufacturer’s warranty has expired.

Bad spellers of the world.....untie.

Barbie didn't give me a poor body image. Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's removed from the body.

My wife was unable to put up some shelves!
I told her she'd got a screw loose!

- Внученька, ты материлась в песочнице?
- Не, бабуль. С чего ты взяла?
- Птички начирикали.
- Вот бляди, а я их хлебом кормила!

Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

- Рабинович, ви таки выдаёте свою дочь?
- А кем работает ваш сын?
- Инженером!
- Ну, шо вам на это сказать...
- А ви кого бы хотели?
- Ну, желательно мясника или хотя бы стоматолога.
- А шо, ваша дочь прям такая красавица?

My alcoholic wife went to see the Blacksmith.
Unfortunately, she was hammered!

At this rate, they are soon going to have to Abolish Shampoo so that bald people don't get offended!

A Swiss automobile company is recalling its vehicles because they keep getting stuck in neutral.

Did you hear about the couple who left a radical religious cult because it had strayed too far away from the scriptures?
The cut the unbiblical cord.

Woman sends a SMS asking her mother-in-law: “If a child is sick all over himself and his bed, who is responsible for cleaning him up?”
The mother-in-law messages back: “Well, obviously the mother!”
So the woman responds , “OK: your son is drunk and sick everywhere, please hurry.”

Хорошо забытое старое - это не новое, это Альцгеймер!

In Australia they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess they're just raised differently.

I didn't receive payment for a roofing job I did so I went back and took it down.
My daughter might be upset about her dolls house but lets hope she's learnt a valuable lesson.

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. But when I think about it, maybe I should have taken a second look...

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. Later, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman hesitate.

What do cars spread on their toast?

Traffic jam.

- Я вот смотрю, ты большой любитель давать советы.
- Нет, я профессионал, я учусь на ошибках тех, кому давал советы.

Strip poker sounds more like instructions than a card game.

The thief was arrested as he left the fortune teller's house. He was caught read handed.

Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.

В постели:
- Извините, с кем имею удовольствие?

When she left, she broke my zodiac plate and left me here to pick up the Pisces.

They say "revenge is a dish best served cold". They also say "revenge is sweet".
So basically, Revenge is Ice Cream.

- Изя. А почему ты сегодня такой пьяный?
- Так сегодня же День железнодорожника.
- А какое ты имеешь к этому отношение?
- Так моя ж фамилия Шлагбаум.

Я слышал столько клеветы в Ваш адрес, что у меня нет сомнений: Вы — прекрасный человек!
Оскар Уайльд.