Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Сима, перестань себя грызть! Ты же травишься!

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”
― Lois Lowry, The Giver

Одесса. Реклама на улице :" Мы ремонтируем то, шо починил ваш муж.! "

Advice please: is it okay to ask my wife what time tea is ready,
Or should I wait until she's finished cleaning the car ?

Магазин "Тысяча мелочей". К кассе подходит мужчина и спрашивает:
- А тысячу у вас можно разменять?
- Ну разве что мелочью.

Моня примерил кольцо на палец, и почувствовал как сдавило горло.

-Призывник Рабинович, где вы хотите служить?
-В Генеральном штабе! -Вы что, идиот?
-А это обязательное условие?

Wife: Why are you dressed in a tuxedo ?

Husband: I want to take you out for a romantic meal. Can you change attire quickly?

Wife: Of course I can darling!

Husband: Great! The spare wheel’s in the boot of the car. I’ll book the restaurant.

I bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands....

Только сегодня Яша понял, что Сарочка очень приличная девушка, когда та летела с лестницы на каблуках и кричала: "Ой-ой-ой!»".

- Адочка, счастье моё, у тебя опять болит голова?
- Ужасно, Венечка!
- Хочешь я расскажу тебе сказочку на ночь?
- Да, милый!
- У кролика так долго не было крольчихи, шо в лесу его даже волки побаивались!

- Яша, почему ты не кушаешь пирожки? Неужели мои пирожки тебе не нравятся?
- Ой, шо ты, Сарочка! Очень нравятся, но не настолько, шобы их есть!

- Шмулик, как дела? Как Циля?
- Представляешь, Моня, моя Циля такая рассеянная. На днях забыла выключить утюг, вчера сожгла котлеты. Прихожу вечером домой, а она вместо меня в кровать положила Шнеерзона!

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

I went to the dentist to get a crown made. I hope I made a good impression.

Циперович, а ви на скрипке играть умеете?
- Не знаю, не пробовал.

‘Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed, by the masses.’

— Plato

My friend from northern Spain is always at the beach.

She loves to Basque in the sun.

What's black and white and travels at super sonic speed ?
Penguin in a jet fighter.

I designed a car that only has forward gears. I need a backup plan.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, $5"

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

On the weekends I work at a farm shoveling horse poop. It doesn’t pay much, but hay, it’s a stable job.

— Чувствую себя, Сёма, советским союзом: никакого секса нет, так ещё и разваливаюсь.

When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

How do you know you’ve reached middle age? It's when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police!!!

I can't believe that my wife is telling her friends that I'm a very NOSY PERSON ,,,, that's what it said in her PERSONAL DIARY.

I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

Just finished reading, “I Shall Return,” by B. Wright Bach.

Why do people preserve fruits and vegetables? Because they can.

Хаим очень обиделся, когда Фира подписала диск с их свадебным видео «Моя первая свадьба»

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

There was a locked metal box at an auction. Who knew what was in it? I decided to stop bidding at $50. That seemed like a safe bet.

- Гриша! Я таки слышал, шо ви всё-таки развелись?
- Да... но как-то неудачно!
- А шо так?
- Та... опять вместе живём!..

- Девочки, вы слышали, шо Изя сделал предложение нашей Симочке?!
- И шо теперь Сима? Наверное, рада?
- Да шо там рада?! Сима от счастья уже на седьмом... месяце!

How did Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
He had a whale of a time!

T- shirt is the abbreviation of Tyrannosaurus shirt.
You know. Because of the short arms.

Why is it called a hot water heater when in reality, it’s a cold water heater?

My Ex took it personal when Santa said Ho Ho Ho.

Мужик со смешной фамилией Стакан, долго не парился как назвать детей. Мальчика - Рома, девочку - Джина.

У воспитанного и щедрого мужчины и член визуально кажется больше.

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

My mate thinks his glasses make him look smarter, i think its an optical delusion.

When I lost nearly all my fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the surgeon and doctors if I could still write with it?….. they said, “ probably, but I wouldn’t count on it “ ….

I'm not interesting...
I'm into resting.

Фима и Софа смотрят эротический фильм:
- Фима! Фима! Ты только посмотри, как он её любит... как он её любит!..
- Ну, за такие деньги и я бы её так любил...

Если из моей жизни убрать алкоголь и работу, то останутся только поездки на маршрутке...

I had a golf lesson the other day, the instructor said “ you need to cut about 6 inches off of the clubs” I said “will that improve my swing ?” He replied “No ! The clubs will then fit in the bin”.

If you ever need someone who's terrible at hiding, you know where I am.

I made fish tacos last night, but they just ignored them and swam away.

I met a guy in the pub from Texas, he said it takes him 3 days to drive around his ranch, I said, yes I had a car like that.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

I just punched my computer, i was giving tech-knuckle support.

I saw a bloke fishing.
"What are you using as bait?"
He said "Licorice.
"What sort of fish do you catch with licorice?"
He said "All sorts"

My wife had stood by me for 40 years.
We only have one chair!

I said to Mick Jagger ‘don’t eat that mouldy bread’. He said ‘I know, it’s only a rotten roll but I like it’.

My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now.
Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep...

Разговор двух потомственных аристократов:
- Я смог установить своих предков вплоть до Рюрика! А как обстоит дело с твоим генеалогическим древом?
- Не могу сказать - наши родовые бумаги были утеряны во время всемирного потопа.

Where does poor Italians live? In the spaghetto.

Why can’t cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because you need two eyes Глаза

I love fireworks, i seem to have a flare for them.

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

Toblerones are the same size. It’s airports that are getting smaller.

Barney’s wife made him watch a bunch of movies from the early 1900’s that he didn’t like. He had to suffer in silents

"The world is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy to those that feel."
-- Horace Walpole

BEHIND every successful programmer
There is no girlfriend.

Recently learned I have an eating disorder...when the waitress brings my food I think to myself, "I'm excited to eat dis order."

This girl I’m seeing texted me a photo of one of her bum cheeks.
I thought, that’s a bit half-arsed.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction. Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b.

How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste!

Fossil records show that elephants once roamed the Italian peninsula.
Most of them lived in Tuskany.

Ice creams make the best journalists because they are always getting the inside scoop first.

Нервные клетки не восстанавливаются, а жировые – не останавливаются.

«Деньги — это не главное в жизни. Но не забудьте ими обзавестись, прежде, чем сказать такую глупость».
Джордж Бернард Шоу

If you're going down the river in a canoe and you get 4 flat tires, how many pancakes does it take to shingle your dog's roof?

We started a band and called it "Books"
So no one can judge us by our covers.

Одна юная, сибирская барышня другой:
— Я спросила у озера Байкал, найду ли я свою любовь, и оно мне ответило, что да!
Вторая в ответ:
— Пиздёж чистой воды.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

A friend of mine failed his chair exam. He's going to resit.