Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

I just punched my computer, i was giving tech-knuckle support.

I saw a bloke fishing.
"What are you using as bait?"
He said "Licorice.
"What sort of fish do you catch with licorice?"
He said "All sorts"

My wife had stood by me for 40 years.
We only have one chair!

I said to Mick Jagger ‘don’t eat that mouldy bread’. He said ‘I know, it’s only a rotten roll but I like it’.

My friend enjoys bird watching on the German freeways.
He's a member of the National Autobahn Society.

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now.
Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep...

Разговор двух потомственных аристократов:
- Я смог установить своих предков вплоть до Рюрика! А как обстоит дело с твоим генеалогическим древом?
- Не могу сказать - наши родовые бумаги были утеряны во время всемирного потопа.

Where does poor Italians live? In the spaghetto.

Why can’t cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because you need two eyes Глаза

I love fireworks, i seem to have a flare for them.

A hockey player lost his job at the bank. His boss caught him cross-checking.

Toblerones are the same size. It’s airports that are getting smaller.

Barney’s wife made him watch a bunch of movies from the early 1900’s that he didn’t like. He had to suffer in silents

"The world is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy to those that feel."
-- Horace Walpole

BEHIND every successful programmer
There is no girlfriend.

Recently learned I have an eating disorder...when the waitress brings my food I think to myself, "I'm excited to eat dis order."

This girl I’m seeing texted me a photo of one of her bum cheeks.
I thought, that’s a bit half-arsed.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction. Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b.

How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste!

Fossil records show that elephants once roamed the Italian peninsula.
Most of them lived in Tuskany.

Ice creams make the best journalists because they are always getting the inside scoop first.

Нервные клетки не восстанавливаются, а жировые – не останавливаются.

«Деньги — это не главное в жизни. Но не забудьте ими обзавестись, прежде, чем сказать такую глупость».
Джордж Бернард Шоу

If you're going down the river in a canoe and you get 4 flat tires, how many pancakes does it take to shingle your dog's roof?

We started a band and called it "Books"
So no one can judge us by our covers.

Одна юная, сибирская барышня другой:
— Я спросила у озера Байкал, найду ли я свою любовь, и оно мне ответило, что да!
Вторая в ответ:
— Пиздёж чистой воды.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

A friend of mine failed his chair exam. He's going to resit.

Что говорят финские метеорологи, когда умирает их коллега?

— Сегодня минус один.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.
They're hoping to catch him before he strikes again..

By the way - why do dogs lick their own balls?
Because they can.

I made sushi at home for the first time. I substituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

Learned today that it's about 12 minutes after realizing there's no toilet paper in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.

- Ходят слухи, что вы шепелявите…
- Не верьте этим шлюхам!

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

To be a good archer you need to know the arrow dynamics.

Don't worry about Summer changing to Fall.
It will happen Autumnmatically.

My gay friend canceled his trip to London when he found out Big Ben was a clock!

С высоты своего жизненного опыта могу сказать:
ничего не видно!

Was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop, then I realised I could get one cheaper on the web.

Стараюсь не вступать в дискуссию с некрасивыми людьми, ведь в случае мордобоя им терять нечего.

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electrical outlet? To be honest, it Hertz.

There's a German guy that claims to have the world's longest name but I kinda doubt it because I have a friend who's name is Myles Long.

Любая школа получает статус гимназии, если трудовик и физрук закодируются.

I hate explaining my own jokes. Mostly because I don't get them either.

Don't count the number of friends you have, but the number of friends you can count on.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Legal Tip: If you're ever arrested for public intoxication, try fighting the charges in a higher court.

What do you call an insect with a perm?
A frisbee.

Учительница географии под видом беременности вынесла из школы глобус.

Is a ‘Youthful Offender’ One Who Needs A ‘Minor Adjustment’ ?!?!?

Is Divorce An Event That Cause Your ‘In-laws’ to become ‘Outlaws’ ?!?!?

Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

“Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that then you’ve got it made.”
-Groucho Marx

We were all pretty sad at Grandad's funeral when we were told he was killed by a Tennis Ball.
Still, it was a lovely Service.

How does a spider go into battle?
Well armed.

«Если платят хорошо» таки лучше, чем «хорошо если платят».

I was going to tell a joke about sodium and oxygen.
But I'm afraid I'd get a violent reaction.

A friend of mine makes pendulums for clocks. Tomorrow he’s going to swing by.

Wife: "I've made the chicken soup."
Husband: "Oh, good. I was worried it was for us."

I am. Is the shortest sentence in the English language. I do. Is the longest.

Люди, призывающие повторить и люди, отмазывающие себя или своих детей от армии - одни и те же люди.

Самое лучшее упражнение для рук - это пересчитывание дeнeг. Снимает боль в суставах, нормализует давление, полностью убирает зубную и головную боль, улучшает зрение, аппетит, гардероб, внешний вид и жилищные условия.

They say that the Chinese cleverness and ambidextrousness means they can use two typewriter's at once, one with each hand!

Meh, I just think that's stereotyping!

- Мам, мне сегодня ко второй.
- Сынок, ты еще с первой не развелся.

Maybe I'd have better luck if I renewed my fishing license on-line.

Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.

- Вы что сейчас делаете?
- Ничего.
- Как закончите, зайдите, пожалуйста, ко мне...

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common...?
Fellas usually miss all 3...:

Учительница спрашивает:
– Вовочка, я знаю, что у тебя дедушка погиб в концлагере. Его, наверное, замучили?
– Да нет, пьяный с вышки свалился.

Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?
He wanted mashed potatoes.

— Oye, ¿cómo se escribe nariz en inglés?
— NOSE
— ¿Tú tampoco?. Mierda, nadie lo sabe...

I went into a record shop the other day. I asked the fella at the counter if he had anything by The Doors? "Yes", he said. "Two fire buckets and an umbrella stand"

I don't know who needs to know this but Kenwood, Sony, JVC and Pioneer are great...
stereotypes.

I'd tell you the joke about peanut butter and jam on toast, but you might spread it.

Walked into a business meeting the other week, put a kebab on the desk and said "we really have to think about strategy". One of my colleagues asked "what's with the kebab?" I said "salad and a little chilli sauce".

One bone says to another, "how did we end up meeting in a joint like this?"