Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have zero tolerance for drugs, so I do get very high.

I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I'm a woman. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid.

My Uncle must be the world's unluckiest magician, the day after he got a new assistant she died.
I bet he regrets trying to cut her in half, longways now.

Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

— Яша, если тебя таки сошлют в Сибирь за твои махинации, я поеду с тобой.
— Спасибо, Розочка!
— Тока шубу надо купить заранее.

Q: How did Barack propose to Michelle?
A: He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be Obamaself."

Caught a glimpse of a bird's nest today.
I was just finches away.

-Рабинович! Это правду говорят, что вы - большой интригант?
-Да... Но кто это ценит!?

Some people say that 'marriage' is just a piece of paper... But then so is money!

-Либерман, вы счастливы в браке?
-Конечно, мы так любим друг друга, что уже трижды откладывали развод.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.“
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I went to the wedding of a couple of mobile phone service providers.
Disappointing reception, just one small bar in the corner.

- Сёма, я стригусь у вас последние 30 лет. И за это время вы ни разу не сменили халат, ни разу не вымыли руки и не поставили кондиционер!
- Лазарь Моисеевич, мне тоже многое не нравится в этом государстве, но почему вы решили начать реформы с нашей парикмахерской?

-Шульман, я слышал, что вы развелись в четвертый раз. Неужели все женщины такие привередливые?
-Нет только одна, моя мама.

I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.

Адвокат: Прежде, чем огласить завещание покойного, я хочу задрать вопрос вдове.
-Сара, не согласитесь ли выйти за меня замуж?

- Знаете, Боря, у денег таки два состояния - либо они начинают заканчиваться, либо заканчивают начинаться.

How am I feeling about the upcoming Enlightenment Philosophy Conference?
I Kant wait!

- Дорогая, мою любовь к тебе нельзя передать словами.
- Тогда попробуй деньгами.

Can we ban all jokes about clones from now on?
I mean, they're all the same.

Эрвин Шредингер обожал русские сказки. Его радовали фразы: "долго ли, коротко ли", "видимо- невидимо", - и особенно: "ни жив, ни мертв".

“And what is better than wisdom? Woman.
And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.”
― Geoffrey Chaucer

I'll be nicer, if you will be smarter.

My mom claimed that she once knitted a twenty-foot long scarf, but I think it sounds like quite a yarn.

Лёва нашел кувшин с золотыми монетами царской чеканки и в соответствии с законом 25% взял себе, а остальное - закопал.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”
― Mother Teresa

My house isn't messy, just customs designed.

Just bought a second hand Photocopier from the Taliban.
It's pretty good at blowing stuff up.

Я настолько стар, что помню времена, когда можно было встретить бандита без погонов.

I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm?
How´d that work out for him?

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from.
the man answers "toronto"
. the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from
. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."

-- Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Do Transformers have health insurance or car insurance?

The wife has won Custody of the Kids and what's worse, they've taken my computer with Microsoft Office on it.
I'm not going to complain too much, all i'm asking for is Access.

- Жена, почему я вечно последний узнаю о том, что происходит в этом доме?!
- Тихо! Ребёнка разбудишь!
- Какого ребёнка?!

Q: What do you call dudes who love math?
A: Algebros.

I sneezed three times in a row. Everyone sitting in that row got up and left.

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.

My father would beat me with a bunch of flowers, he used
violets against me.

''The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.''

~ Marcus Aurelius

“Hell is empty
And all the devils are here.”
By William Shakespeare, The Tempest

"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do."
-- Khalil Gibran

Texting typos can change your life.

"Having a great time wish you were her"

Когда я был маленький, мой отец отплыл на лодке далеко от берега и выкинул меня за борт. Я доплыл до берега и написал на отца заявление в милицию. Так я научился писать.

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.

I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

How do Greek gods
play the drums?

They use Styx.

I was washing my car with my son...
...after a while my son said to me "Why can't we just use a sponge?"

A bloke asked me, "What's the best glass to use in a window."
I told him, the answer is clear.

Одесса. Парикмахерская

— А где Моня?
— А зачем вам Моня?
— Понимаете, я его постоянный клиент, хотел постричься.

— Вы посмотрите на него! Моня уже семь месяцев, как в Израиле, а тут вдруг приходит его постоянный клиент!

I think that marriage is an attempt to solve problems together, but which you didn't even
have when you were on your own!

Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

How would a mermaid give birth?

Just heard petrol and diesel cars are to be completely banned by 2030
........it's half past six now so anyone know a car sales place still open ?

Уже две недели маленький мальчик носит на крышу варенье и торты хитрому бомжу с вентилятором…

You're not capitalist. You're a wage slave with Stockholm syndrome.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise.
friend: lol, can I tweet that.
me: *narrows eyes* can you what ?

Софа говорит жениху:
- Йосик! Женщины с нашей работы устраивают корпоратив на нудистском пляже. Поедешь с нами?
- А надо??
- Конечно! Чтобы больше не болтали потом, что я за тебя из-за денег выхожу!

I'm just wondering, when you buy a replacement tire, do you pay with...
...spare change??

My mate asked me the name of my favourite place in Wales. I said it’s difficult to say.

Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.

There's a hole in my sock. Darn it!!

If your pillow fort hasn’t got a Nerf gun armory, then you’re not taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Wallcarpet on the birth of your son Walter.

Man: I keep seeing spots and butterflies before my eyes.
Wife: Have you seen a Doctor?
Man: No, just spots and butterflies.

Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. Don't ask me why.

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
ME: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

Судья:
- Свидетель, что вы делали 16 декабря 1989 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
- Ну, я сидел дома. . . в кресле. . . с календарем в руках. . смотрел на часы. . .

I asked my parents if I was adopted,
they said yes but they sent you back.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I won't have anything against the English language the day they find 'J' in SOLDIER.

A company was downsizing and the HR Manager had to decide whether to retain Wendy or Jack. He first spoke to Jack and then called Wendy. He said, " I got a problem here Wendy, I either got to lay you or Jack off." Wendy burst out of the room screaming, "you better play with yourself buster 'cos I gotta headache!!!".

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.

Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.

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