Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Recently learned I have an eating disorder...when the waitress brings my food I think to myself, "I'm excited to eat dis order."

This girl I’m seeing texted me a photo of one of her bum cheeks.
I thought, that’s a bit half-arsed.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction. Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b.

How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste!

Fossil records show that elephants once roamed the Italian peninsula.
Most of them lived in Tuskany.

Ice creams make the best journalists because they are always getting the inside scoop first.

Нервные клетки не восстанавливаются, а жировые – не останавливаются.

«Деньги — это не главное в жизни. Но не забудьте ими обзавестись, прежде, чем сказать такую глупость».
Джордж Бернард Шоу

If you're going down the river in a canoe and you get 4 flat tires, how many pancakes does it take to shingle your dog's roof?

We started a band and called it "Books"
So no one can judge us by our covers.

Одна юная, сибирская барышня другой:
— Я спросила у озера Байкал, найду ли я свою любовь, и оно мне ответило, что да!
Вторая в ответ:
— Пиздёж чистой воды.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

A friend of mine failed his chair exam. He's going to resit.

Что говорят финские метеорологи, когда умирает их коллега?

— Сегодня минус один.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.
They're hoping to catch him before he strikes again..

By the way - why do dogs lick their own balls?
Because they can.

I made sushi at home for the first time. I substituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.

Learned today that it's about 12 minutes after realizing there's no toilet paper in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.

- Ходят слухи, что вы шепелявите…
- Не верьте этим шлюхам!

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

To be a good archer you need to know the arrow dynamics.

Don't worry about Summer changing to Fall.
It will happen Autumnmatically.

My gay friend canceled his trip to London when he found out Big Ben was a clock!

С высоты своего жизненного опыта могу сказать:
ничего не видно!

Was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop, then I realised I could get one cheaper on the web.

Стараюсь не вступать в дискуссию с некрасивыми людьми, ведь в случае мордобоя им терять нечего.

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electrical outlet? To be honest, it Hertz.

There's a German guy that claims to have the world's longest name but I kinda doubt it because I have a friend who's name is Myles Long.

Любая школа получает статус гимназии, если трудовик и физрук закодируются.

I hate explaining my own jokes. Mostly because I don't get them either.

Don't count the number of friends you have, but the number of friends you can count on.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Legal Tip: If you're ever arrested for public intoxication, try fighting the charges in a higher court.

What do you call an insect with a perm?
A frisbee.

Учительница географии под видом беременности вынесла из школы глобус.

Is a ‘Youthful Offender’ One Who Needs A ‘Minor Adjustment’ ?!?!?

Is Divorce An Event That Cause Your ‘In-laws’ to become ‘Outlaws’ ?!?!?

Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

“Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that then you’ve got it made.”
-Groucho Marx

We were all pretty sad at Grandad's funeral when we were told he was killed by a Tennis Ball.
Still, it was a lovely Service.

How does a spider go into battle?
Well armed.

«Если платят хорошо» таки лучше, чем «хорошо если платят».

I was going to tell a joke about sodium and oxygen.
But I'm afraid I'd get a violent reaction.

A friend of mine makes pendulums for clocks. Tomorrow he’s going to swing by.

Wife: "I've made the chicken soup."
Husband: "Oh, good. I was worried it was for us."

I am. Is the shortest sentence in the English language. I do. Is the longest.

Люди, призывающие повторить и люди, отмазывающие себя или своих детей от армии - одни и те же люди.

Самое лучшее упражнение для рук - это пересчитывание дeнeг. Снимает боль в суставах, нормализует давление, полностью убирает зубную и головную боль, улучшает зрение, аппетит, гардероб, внешний вид и жилищные условия.

They say that the Chinese cleverness and ambidextrousness means they can use two typewriter's at once, one with each hand!

Meh, I just think that's stereotyping!

- Мам, мне сегодня ко второй.
- Сынок, ты еще с первой не развелся.

Maybe I'd have better luck if I renewed my fishing license on-line.

Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.

- Вы что сейчас делаете?
- Ничего.
- Как закончите, зайдите, пожалуйста, ко мне...

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common...?
Fellas usually miss all 3...:

Учительница спрашивает:
– Вовочка, я знаю, что у тебя дедушка погиб в концлагере. Его, наверное, замучили?
– Да нет, пьяный с вышки свалился.

Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?
He wanted mashed potatoes.

— Oye, ¿cómo se escribe nariz en inglés?
— NOSE
— ¿Tú tampoco?. Mierda, nadie lo sabe...

I went into a record shop the other day. I asked the fella at the counter if he had anything by The Doors? "Yes", he said. "Two fire buckets and an umbrella stand"

I don't know who needs to know this but Kenwood, Sony, JVC and Pioneer are great...
stereotypes.

I'd tell you the joke about peanut butter and jam on toast, but you might spread it.

Walked into a business meeting the other week, put a kebab on the desk and said "we really have to think about strategy". One of my colleagues asked "what's with the kebab?" I said "salad and a little chilli sauce".

One bone says to another, "how did we end up meeting in a joint like this?"

I have zero tolerance for drugs, so I do get very high.

I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I'm a woman. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid.

My Uncle must be the world's unluckiest magician, the day after he got a new assistant she died.
I bet he regrets trying to cut her in half, longways now.

Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

— Яша, если тебя таки сошлют в Сибирь за твои махинации, я поеду с тобой.
— Спасибо, Розочка!
— Тока шубу надо купить заранее.

Q: How did Barack propose to Michelle?
A: He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be Obamaself."

Caught a glimpse of a bird's nest today.
I was just finches away.

-Рабинович! Это правду говорят, что вы - большой интригант?
-Да... Но кто это ценит!?

Some people say that 'marriage' is just a piece of paper... But then so is money!

-Либерман, вы счастливы в браке?
-Конечно, мы так любим друг друга, что уже трижды откладывали развод.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.“
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I went to the wedding of a couple of mobile phone service providers.
Disappointing reception, just one small bar in the corner.

- Сёма, я стригусь у вас последние 30 лет. И за это время вы ни разу не сменили халат, ни разу не вымыли руки и не поставили кондиционер!
- Лазарь Моисеевич, мне тоже многое не нравится в этом государстве, но почему вы решили начать реформы с нашей парикмахерской?

-Шульман, я слышал, что вы развелись в четвертый раз. Неужели все женщины такие привередливые?
-Нет только одна, моя мама.

I lost my job at the hospital for stealing a neck brace but at least I can still hold my head up high.

Адвокат: Прежде, чем огласить завещание покойного, я хочу задрать вопрос вдове.
-Сара, не согласитесь ли выйти за меня замуж?