Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Wallcarpet on the birth of your son Walter.

Man: I keep seeing spots and butterflies before my eyes.
Wife: Have you seen a Doctor?
Man: No, just spots and butterflies.

Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. Don't ask me why.

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
ME: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

Судья:
- Свидетель, что вы делали 16 декабря 1989 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
- Ну, я сидел дома. . . в кресле. . . с календарем в руках. . смотрел на часы. . .

I asked my parents if I was adopted,
they said yes but they sent you back.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I won't have anything against the English language the day they find 'J' in SOLDIER.

A company was downsizing and the HR Manager had to decide whether to retain Wendy or Jack. He first spoke to Jack and then called Wendy. He said, " I got a problem here Wendy, I either got to lay you or Jack off." Wendy burst out of the room screaming, "you better play with yourself buster 'cos I gotta headache!!!".

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.

Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.

В наше время совесть - это предмет роскоши.

Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

Where’s the best place to find out about chickens? In a hencyclopedia.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

A pyromaniac went on a dating site looking for a match.

Дожить до пенсии - мечта. Прожить на пенсию - искусство!

- А мы с Лёхой чё-то в Новый год переоценили свои силы. И пошли в лес километров на 50!
- На лыжах?
- На амфетаминах.

I should be ashamed of myself.
Lets be clear, I'm not.
But I should be.

My best pal passed away yesterday due to heartburn, I’m in tears man I can’t believe it. Gav is gone.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Kebab on the birth of their daughter, Donna.

I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon.
And I was raised better than that.

I used to date a fishing fanatic's
wife online, she was click-bait
I tell ya!

A man is talking to his psychiatrist.
Man: Doc, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam.
Psychiatrist: Sir, you need to calm down. You’re obviously too tense.

What is the center of Gravity? The letter V.

I have seen some absolutely magnificent buildings in my time, but by far I say schools are the...classiest.

Why are there no jokes about beds? Because they haven't been made up yet OR they've already been covered.

- Моня, Сарочку нужно срочно показать врачу! Как вы заметили - она не перестаёт кашлять!
- Я вас умоляю! У Сарочки новое платье. Она таки делает себе интерес.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

- И шо ви такая хмурая, Цилечка? В Одессе надо улыбаться так, шоб помада на ушах оставалась!

ABBA are the only palindromic act to have a palindromic hit (SOS) in a palindromic genre (pop).

- Да ты полный лузер, Яша! Твоя Сара ушла от тебя ко мне! Это камень в твой огород!
- Моя Сара ушла от меня к тебе - это таки бревно в твою постель!

Love is never a scam.
It's either you dating an idiot.
Or you are the idiot.

911: what room is the body in.
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird.

Be thankful for everything that happens in your life; it’s all an experience.
- Roy T. Bennett

What do you get when you cross a bear and a cow?

I don't know but i wouldn't try to milk it.

On my tombstone, please write "Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake."

“The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”
~Voltaire

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo.

Массажистка: Знаешь, чем массаж отличается от БДСМ?
Я, сквозь слёзы: Чем?
Массажистка: В БДСМ есть стоп-слово :)

'Good morning Sir, may I ask who your current Internet provider is?'
Me: 'Some guy next door'.

Said to the wife the other day I've come over all Cliff Richard; she said Congratulations. Another day I told her I've come over all Tom Jones; she replied It's not unusual.

What do you call a tree that can’t figure out a riddle? Stumped.

What did the pizza say when it went to the gallery? "I never sausage a beautiful painting, it's the best I've ever seen".

Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Mi fantasía sexual es tener sexo.

The benefit of working at a laptop keyboard factory, extra shifts.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Neither see nor sea has a C in it, but I can see both the C and the sea. However, I can’t see, but eye can see.

Вот и подросло поколение старушек, которые сами были проститутками и наркоманками...

So I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles.
I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

′′ If I could give you one thing in life, I'd love to give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes."
- Frida Kahlo

I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'.

So this bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close but that's not important right now..."

Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.

Never trust a man who smells like livestock medication.

My friend and I, we send ballpoints and sharpies in the post. We are pen pals

Hay noches en las que solo necesitas un beso, un abrazo y morirte.

A long lost friend of mine once said, "I bet you I could make it across the Sahara without a map or compass."

I hate long distance relationships. That's why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.

Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying’ I am not a robot’
I’ve seen Terminator 2 and that one could fly a helicopter.

I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down".

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Do you know why you can’t bend pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters?

Change is hard.

The “H” in “PROGRAMMER” stands for Happiness.

Kim Kardashian, explaining to her son, North, why she and Kanye are getting divorced:
“North, my relationship with West has finally gone south.”

- Розочка, какая у тебя самая эрогенная зона?
- Ладошки! Кладёшь в каждую по 5 тысяч, и я сразу вся такая ласковая, нежная, возбуждённая...

При приёме на работу:
- Господин Рабинович, вы с алкоголем дружите?
- Не так, шобы очень... Но связи поддерживаю.

- Фая, ты бы слышала, шо про тебя говорят соседи!
- Наумчик, это нормально, если ты кому-то не нравишься. Ведь не у каждого человека есть хороший вкус!

Интеллигентный Изя слегка намекнул Саре, что ей надо похудеть:
- Дорогая, согласно таблице соотношения веса и роста тебе надо срочно стать выше!

Me: I’m an optimistic person.
You: Are you sure?
Me: I’m positive.

Как называется университет в Дагестане, готовящий врачей-волшебников?
Магомед.

Do you know why I make puns?
Because it's my respunsibility!

Несделанный выбор хуже ошибочного.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

"Life is but a continual succession of opportunities for surviving."
-- Gabriel García Márquez

When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled.