Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Знаете, Боря, у денег таки два состояния - либо они начинают заканчиваться, либо заканчивают начинаться.

How am I feeling about the upcoming Enlightenment Philosophy Conference?
I Kant wait!

- Дорогая, мою любовь к тебе нельзя передать словами.
- Тогда попробуй деньгами.

Can we ban all jokes about clones from now on?
I mean, they're all the same.

Эрвин Шредингер обожал русские сказки. Его радовали фразы: "долго ли, коротко ли", "видимо- невидимо", - и особенно: "ни жив, ни мертв".

“And what is better than wisdom? Woman.
And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.”
― Geoffrey Chaucer

I'll be nicer, if you will be smarter.

My mom claimed that she once knitted a twenty-foot long scarf, but I think it sounds like quite a yarn.

Лёва нашел кувшин с золотыми монетами царской чеканки и в соответствии с законом 25% взял себе, а остальное - закопал.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”
― Mother Teresa

My house isn't messy, just customs designed.

Just bought a second hand Photocopier from the Taliban.
It's pretty good at blowing stuff up.

Я настолько стар, что помню времена, когда можно было встретить бандита без погонов.

I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm?
How´d that work out for him?

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks the man where he is from.
the man answers "toronto"
. the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from
. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."

-- Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Do Transformers have health insurance or car insurance?

The wife has won Custody of the Kids and what's worse, they've taken my computer with Microsoft Office on it.
I'm not going to complain too much, all i'm asking for is Access.

- Жена, почему я вечно последний узнаю о том, что происходит в этом доме?!
- Тихо! Ребёнка разбудишь!
- Какого ребёнка?!

Q: What do you call dudes who love math?
A: Algebros.

I sneezed three times in a row. Everyone sitting in that row got up and left.

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle.
I just never had the balls to do it.

My father would beat me with a bunch of flowers, he used
violets against me.

''The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.''

~ Marcus Aurelius

“Hell is empty
And all the devils are here.”
By William Shakespeare, The Tempest

"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do."
-- Khalil Gibran

Texting typos can change your life.

"Having a great time wish you were her"

Когда я был маленький, мой отец отплыл на лодке далеко от берега и выкинул меня за борт. Я доплыл до берега и написал на отца заявление в милицию. Так я научился писать.

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.

I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

How do Greek gods
play the drums?

They use Styx.

I was washing my car with my son...
...after a while my son said to me "Why can't we just use a sponge?"

A bloke asked me, "What's the best glass to use in a window."
I told him, the answer is clear.

Одесса. Парикмахерская

— А где Моня?
— А зачем вам Моня?
— Понимаете, я его постоянный клиент, хотел постричься.

— Вы посмотрите на него! Моня уже семь месяцев, как в Израиле, а тут вдруг приходит его постоянный клиент!

I think that marriage is an attempt to solve problems together, but which you didn't even
have when you were on your own!

Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

How would a mermaid give birth?

Just heard petrol and diesel cars are to be completely banned by 2030
........it's half past six now so anyone know a car sales place still open ?

Уже две недели маленький мальчик носит на крышу варенье и торты хитрому бомжу с вентилятором…

You're not capitalist. You're a wage slave with Stockholm syndrome.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise.
friend: lol, can I tweet that.
me: *narrows eyes* can you what ?

Софа говорит жениху:
- Йосик! Женщины с нашей работы устраивают корпоратив на нудистском пляже. Поедешь с нами?
- А надо??
- Конечно! Чтобы больше не болтали потом, что я за тебя из-за денег выхожу!

I'm just wondering, when you buy a replacement tire, do you pay with...
...spare change??

My mate asked me the name of my favourite place in Wales. I said it’s difficult to say.

Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.

There's a hole in my sock. Darn it!!

If your pillow fort hasn’t got a Nerf gun armory, then you’re not taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Wallcarpet on the birth of your son Walter.

Man: I keep seeing spots and butterflies before my eyes.
Wife: Have you seen a Doctor?
Man: No, just spots and butterflies.

Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. Don't ask me why.

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
ME: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

Судья:
- Свидетель, что вы делали 16 декабря 1989 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
- Ну, я сидел дома. . . в кресле. . . с календарем в руках. . смотрел на часы. . .

I asked my parents if I was adopted,
they said yes but they sent you back.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I won't have anything against the English language the day they find 'J' in SOLDIER.

A company was downsizing and the HR Manager had to decide whether to retain Wendy or Jack. He first spoke to Jack and then called Wendy. He said, " I got a problem here Wendy, I either got to lay you or Jack off." Wendy burst out of the room screaming, "you better play with yourself buster 'cos I gotta headache!!!".

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.

Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.

В наше время совесть - это предмет роскоши.

Shoutout to that one person that hears you when you’re talking in a group and smiles or replies so you don’t feel like an idiot.

Where’s the best place to find out about chickens? In a hencyclopedia.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

A pyromaniac went on a dating site looking for a match.

Дожить до пенсии - мечта. Прожить на пенсию - искусство!

- А мы с Лёхой чё-то в Новый год переоценили свои силы. И пошли в лес километров на 50!
- На лыжах?
- На амфетаминах.

I should be ashamed of myself.
Lets be clear, I'm not.
But I should be.

My best pal passed away yesterday due to heartburn, I’m in tears man I can’t believe it. Gav is gone.

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Kebab on the birth of their daughter, Donna.

I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon.
And I was raised better than that.

I used to date a fishing fanatic's
wife online, she was click-bait
I tell ya!

A man is talking to his psychiatrist.
Man: Doc, I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam.
Psychiatrist: Sir, you need to calm down. You’re obviously too tense.

What is the center of Gravity? The letter V.

I have seen some absolutely magnificent buildings in my time, but by far I say schools are the...classiest.

Why are there no jokes about beds? Because they haven't been made up yet OR they've already been covered.

- Моня, Сарочку нужно срочно показать врачу! Как вы заметили - она не перестаёт кашлять!
- Я вас умоляю! У Сарочки новое платье. Она таки делает себе интерес.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."