Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a tree that can’t figure out a riddle? Stumped.

What did the pizza say when it went to the gallery? "I never sausage a beautiful painting, it's the best I've ever seen".

Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Mi fantasía sexual es tener sexo.

The benefit of working at a laptop keyboard factory, extra shifts.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Neither see nor sea has a C in it, but I can see both the C and the sea. However, I can’t see, but eye can see.

Вот и подросло поколение старушек, которые сами были проститутками и наркоманками...

So I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles.
I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

′′ If I could give you one thing in life, I'd love to give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes."
- Frida Kahlo

I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'.

So this bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close but that's not important right now..."

Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.

Never trust a man who smells like livestock medication.

My friend and I, we send ballpoints and sharpies in the post. We are pen pals

Hay noches en las que solo necesitas un beso, un abrazo y morirte.

A long lost friend of mine once said, "I bet you I could make it across the Sahara without a map or compass."

I hate long distance relationships. That's why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.

Shag" is a funny word isn’t it?
To a smoker it’s tobacco, to an American it’s a dance, to an ornithologist it’s a bird and to me it’s a remote possibility.

Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying’ I am not a robot’
I’ve seen Terminator 2 and that one could fly a helicopter.

I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down".

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Do you know why you can’t bend pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters?

Change is hard.

The “H” in “PROGRAMMER” stands for Happiness.

Kim Kardashian, explaining to her son, North, why she and Kanye are getting divorced:
“North, my relationship with West has finally gone south.”

- Розочка, какая у тебя самая эрогенная зона?
- Ладошки! Кладёшь в каждую по 5 тысяч, и я сразу вся такая ласковая, нежная, возбуждённая...

При приёме на работу:
- Господин Рабинович, вы с алкоголем дружите?
- Не так, шобы очень... Но связи поддерживаю.

- Фая, ты бы слышала, шо про тебя говорят соседи!
- Наумчик, это нормально, если ты кому-то не нравишься. Ведь не у каждого человека есть хороший вкус!

Интеллигентный Изя слегка намекнул Саре, что ей надо похудеть:
- Дорогая, согласно таблице соотношения веса и роста тебе надо срочно стать выше!

Me: I’m an optimistic person.
You: Are you sure?
Me: I’m positive.

Как называется университет в Дагестане, готовящий врачей-волшебников?
Магомед.

Do you know why I make puns?
Because it's my respunsibility!

Несделанный выбор хуже ошибочного.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

"Life is but a continual succession of opportunities for surviving."
-- Gabriel García Márquez

When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled.

My wife and I went to a prize fancy dress party last night as Giraffes. We didn't win anything, but we can hold are head's up high.

Just so you know, asking a taxi driver how much it would be to get somewhere is absolutely a fare question.

“Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.”
By Oscar Wilde, THE CRITIC AS ARTIST

People might think I'm a bit of a square, but that just means I'm exactly right on every angle.

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself.

Why are Teslas so expensive?
Probably because they charge a lot.

Неправда, что вас никто не любит, обязательно найдется какой-нибудь дурак.

Never tell a woman she's crazy unless you want to see crazy.

"Much of the evil in the world is due to the fact that man in general is hopelessly unconscious."
Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul

Если выпить с умом, то ум отключится первым.

Если заканчивать любое утверждение фразой «или нет», получается забавно. Или нет.

- Хочу быть столбовой дворянкой!!!, - визжала старуха, но старик продолжал одевать её то школьницей, то медсестрой, то покемоном…

I hate it when people don't know the difference between Ur and U'r.

Gymnastics = A more intense version of the floor is lava.

There are plenty of fish in the sea... That's cool and all... but I'm a human.

69 % людей могут найти пошлость в любой фразе.

In Starbucks...
"It's Linda with an i".
"We only need your first name Ms. Withenaye.”

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Had carol singers
at my door yesterday evening... All I wanted
was a Silent Night

Which is the
laziest tissue
in the world?
A nap-kin.

Some people think I shouldn’t worry about how paragraphs are aligned, but I think it’s justified.

Два одесских джентльмена беседуют на бульваре:
- Раньше ведь оно как было?
- Как?
- Вот именно! А теперь шо?
- Шо?
- Вот и я за это говорю.

Why did the pineapple go out with a prune? Because he couldn’t find a date!

How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore ?

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

— Тебе нужно выйти из депрессии.
— Ты не можешь выгонять меня из места, ставшего мне домом.

I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

Чем непонятней объяснения, тем больше шансов на то, что с тобой согласятся. Никому не хочется показаться бестолковым.

Труд вреден. Он прививает человеку привычку к перекурам.

A group of secretaries was having lunch when the new vice president walked by. One of the ladies mentioned, "My, Mr. Lawson sure dresses nicely."
One of the younger women added, "And fast too."

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

You know you are into necrophilia...
when your romance
is dead.

When does it rain money? When there is 'change' in the weather.

The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
- Plato

Special Announcement: stairs are no longer being sold individually. They will now be sold by the case. This is a big step up for us.

I met a midget today, and didn't know what to say; I'm not good at small-talk.

You should always get married in the morning. So if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day!

MY WIFE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST - so not only does she know when I'm being a jerk, but she also knows exactly what type of jerk I am being!

The T-Rex’s muscle strength is so explosive, most paleontologists call it dino-might.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Things I've learned: There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.