Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I saw the world's largest egg this week. That will take some beating.

I woke up in the fireplace this morning. I guess you can say I slept like a log.

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.

The coach wanted to scold his team for getting shut out, but decided that doing so would be pointless.

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?
Deadlifting.

Готовлю я хорошо. Только невкусно.

Had to take down my tennis court in this quiet residential area. The neighbors said I was raising too much of a racquet.

I performed a joke about abortion.
It wasn't ovary good one.

My problem with drinking battery acid got so bad I started
attending AA meetings.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

I'm fed up with food puns.

Teacher: anyone with a red pen?
Programmer: from stationery import red pen.

I told someone a JavaScript Joke today. He did not React.

If your morning is not going according to plan, you've got to learn to just latte be.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I'm still looking for ideas.

My wifes just texted me and told me she was in casualty. Well I've watched 3 series but not seen her yet.

Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

"Уверенность в завтрашнем дне" — это не про день, а про дно.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

What did the goose say when his flock landed on a balcony in Brazil?
I don’t know - I don’t speak porch of geese.

The report said he was injured in the fracas, that sounds really painful.

The salesman did a good job on selling me this new car, turns out to be an electric one, well i wont be fuelled again.

I cant be bothered to do much laundry so i'm just gonna throw in the towel.

People who are crazy about money are doughnuts.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Смотри на жизнь веселей: наступив на грабли, наслаждайся фейерверком…

I'm a very good lover!
Want to know why?
It's because I practice a lot on my own..

My jokes are so bad i'm going to join the witless protection program.

My neighbor, a Brit, had a swarm of bees in his back yard. I heard him tell the bees to behive themselves!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!

So what did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on earth have you been love?!"

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit of measure?
Mass confusion.

The country with the highest number of warning signs, is China. Red flags everywhere.

What did the plant say when it was hungry?
I could use a light snack.

If I do a job in 30 min., it's bcoz I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 min. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

I’ve invented a mind controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy, I know, but it makes scents when you think about it.

- Вась, кто девушку ужинает, тот её и танцует.
- Чё?
- Сначала мидии, потом хламидии.

Some men can't think straight -- they always have curves on their minds.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
~Oscar Wilde

Is it wetter underwater when it rains?

The Earth may be getting warmer but if I ever want to cool down I go to a mountain for the climb it change.

What's the opposite of opposite?

Him: what's wrong?
Her: I think we should see other people.
Him: What? Why??
Her: I don't feel we are working out.
Him:...
Her:?
Him: But I just bought us gym memberships!!

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
As an adult, you live for them.

9 OUT OF 10 HUSBANDS AGREED THAT THEIR WIVES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE 10TH HUSBAND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

- Сарочка, вы так много кушаете, как будто вас уже взяли замуж.

Therapist: Why do you think she’s crazy?
Me: She cooked all my food without Adobo to make me think I had Covid.

Somebody's been sneaking in here at night while I'm sleeping and stealing my nail clippers. I think it's a crept toe maniac.

What do you call a divorced person who just took a shower?
A clean-ex.

Genie: What is your final wish?
Boy: I wish I were you.
Genue: weurd but alrught.

Mr. Penn from Pennsylvania stole pens. He's now in the pen and is unrepentant!

Сделал дело - гуляй с ребенком!

A baker got fired because he kept on loafing!

So a bunch of us molecules and atoms went to a self-help course.
Our speaker told us, "You all matter."

Witch student: Curse these fractions!
Witch math teacher: You can't hexadecimal.

What do you call a person who’s afraid of livestock?
A COWard!

Problem with liquidity in US Financial markets is the Treasury not producing enough low denomination coins. Doesn't make cents.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian folk song?
It was a Finish Hymn.

Why do dragons sleep all day?
So they can fight knights!

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea.

They say a QUEUE is just a Q, followed by four silent letters...
But, they're just waiting their turn.

I have been keeping bees for a few months now. I get quite a buzz out of it.

"Sometimes you have to talk so that the silence doesn't say everything."
~ Herta Müller

The film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the F word 506 times.
I beat that record on the weekend, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.

Брак похож на американскую армию в Афганистане.
Поздно уйдешь и ты потратишь кучу денег и времени напрасно.

Afterism - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

Если согласен быть марионеткой,- не жалуйся, что ты весь издёрганный...

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.

At Grandads Funeral we decided to bury him vertically.
Plot twist.

My Wife wants to go out dressed as a Vulture this evening.
Over my dead body.

It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn't nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.

I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block...