Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Nine out of ten students agree that someone got lost on the field trip.

Doctor: Well Mr Jones, I have some good news and some bad news
Jones: give me the bad news
Doctor: We have to amputate both your legs
Jones: Thats terrible, whats the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life.

So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass.
I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".

me: I'm not able to stop making jokes

doctor: you can't be serious

me: that's right

Went to a cannibal restaurant last night ....£50 a head.

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

Sent my dead Duck away to be cremated.
Just received his ashes in the post along with the Bill.

Let's take warning labels off every product and let natural selection improve the gene pool.

ALONE? I just want someone to touch me and look at me the way a woman touches and looks at a pair of shoes she can't afford... 👠

ADVICE > Hey single people, for the love of God stop looking for love... or you’ll end up married!

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you're wrong.

A good pun is its own reword.

Did you know James Bond makes really huge loafs of bread, i don't know how he makes it rise so much, he must use a special agent.

GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, "Notice anything different?'... works EVERY time.

The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.

I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!

Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

DON'T JUDGE ME for the choices I make... when you don't know the options I had to choose from!

New marital Status update: Taken, but only for GRANTED.

Really discouraging that there's still bald people in sci fi movies.

My buddy catches fish with his mouth, he sits there patiently with baited breath.

“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
— Georgia O’Keeffe

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.

Tener la posibilidad de herir a alguien que nos hirió y no hacerlo es lo que nos distingue de la gente mala.

Heard my neighbor yell "****" yesterday.
I thought this was impressive, because not many people can pronounce asterisks.

Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air... then you wave them like you just don’t care.

Софа была и умная и красивая, поэтому Сёма ждал подвоха в другом месте.

Не хотелось бы говорить о тебе плохо, но я не вижу другого способа поддержать увлекательную беседу.

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Patient: Doctor I think i have 5 legs.… Doctor: Oh my!…how do your pants fit? Patient: like a glove…

Врать мне не нравится. Но иногда ложь очень выгодно оттеняет правду.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

После пятой рюмки я поняла: ОН ждет моего звонка!

My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.

interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live

My wife asked if our kids were spoiled. I said, “ I think most kids smell that way. “

What is a bigamist? A foggy day in Italy.

I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.

A mate of mine, he died in a bowl of Muesli, he drowned...No way, What happened ? He got dragged in by a strong current.

На собеседовании мне сказали:
- Для нашей компании вы несколько старомодны. Хотя лапти у вас красивые!

Warning: lakes and pools across the country have been found to contain high levels of dihydrogen monoxide, which is fatal if inhaled.

'Sugar'
is the only english word where 's' is pronounced as 'sh'...
I'm quite sure.

How did the hacker escape the police?

He just ransomware.

Одесса.
Объявление на калитке частного дома.
"Звонок не работает, дразните собаку."

I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

DMV: Are you an organ donor?

Me:. Ma'am I don't even own a piano.

- Софа, сколько у вас было мужчин?
- Три.
- Хм... Не густо...
- Да уж, так себе денёк...

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized that I only have a croc pot.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Рыбалка в старости - это когда пьёшь водку возле аквариума.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
Teacher says: “Spit out that gum!”
Train says: “Chew! Chew!”

Характер у меня золотой. Поэтому он такой тяжёлый.

Did you know that if male sheep and llamas are put in the same field they fight?
You end up with a ram-a-llama-ding-dong!

What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

What’s a chef’s first job after culinary school?
Finding an entree-level position.

I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

I like to help people find things by pointing out that its gotta be around here somewhere.

I was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades.

Плохих мужей не бывает… бывает первый, второй, третий…

Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let clowns run the circus!

Reality just called, so I hung up .

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.
I told him to steer clear.

My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

My new voicemail: If you've reached this recording, please hang up and text me because I haven't checked my voicemail since 2005.

Had to quit my job as a glass blower.
I inhaled, and now I have a pane in my chest.

The religious right wants to ban masturbation in America . But even if they get their way, Americans will still take the law into their own hands !

So I asked the waitress, “Do you have crab legs?”
She said “yes”
I said , “it must be hell finding stockings “

Full disclosure: My late father worked on and off as a stripper. He also did refinishing and other carpentry work.

I won a car on Wheel of Fortune. I'm about to take it for a spin.

Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

Someone crashed into a power pole. Something tells me they won't take that line down.

One cup asks another if he wants to see which once can hold most coffee. The other says, "no, that's a mug's game".

Where does Willy Wonka ask for forgiveness?
Confection.

What’s a scientist’s favorite gum?
Ex-spearmint.

A friend of mine had trouble evenly slicing a dessert.
When I did it, it was a piece of cake.

I screwed up my back investigating alien activity for the FBI.
I have Scully-osis.

Truckers are esteemed members of society. Even their license calls them Class C.