Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

So at the age of 74, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film.
The only difference is his catchphrase which has been changed to... "Arrhh me back!"

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

– Циля, а где Сёма?
– Дома, со своим четвероногим другом.
– Как? У вас разве есть собака?
– У нас нет собаки, у нас есть диван.

Today I'm not going to work, because I'm sick.
SICK OF MY JOB!

Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.

About to cook asparagus for the first time. Does anyone have any tips?

Un borracho está bebiendo copa tras copa, se le acerca un amigo y le dice:
- ¿Tu no sabes que el alcohol mata a un millón de americanos cada año?
Entonces le contesta el borracho:
- ¿Y qué? Tu ya sabes que yo soy español.

"Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal.
"Will, you, Mary, me" is a foursome proposal.

A sister can never ask her brother for help because you cant be her brother and assist her too.

Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but still want a confession.

My girlfriend said she needs time and space. I think she's calculating velocity. She's so smart.

If you think someone is staring at you:
1. Yawn
2. If they yawn, they were staring.

How do fleas travel? They itch hike.

How do you locomotives know where to go?
Lots of training.

В афганском Твиттере оппонентов не банят, а талибанят.

Женская логика создана для того, чтобы офигела мужская психика…

I have one of those 3D Kindles.
Also called a book.

My gardener is getting married, its his weeding day.

My uncle has died and apparently left me a large property. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall is ?

No matter how boring life gets, never get married.

I think my credit card looks weird.

Could someone send me a picture of theirs so I can compare?

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
It's the bear minimum.

If an apple exercises...
Is it a core workout?

You say hangover, I say out of booze.

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.
He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

Why did the cat go to the vet? Because he said he wasn't feline fine!

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirt bike or a puppy. Hit me up.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.

But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

Waitress: How would you like your burger cooked?
Me: On the grill, with all the others.

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don't have Tourette's.

I like to read my wife's horoscope regularly to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

When I heard someone had found my headphones I was so happy, it was like music to my ears.

- Дорогая, ну ты хоть допускаешь, что бываешь иногда не права?
- Допускаю, но это бывает очень, очень редко.
- Слава богу! Ну и когда, например?
- Например, сейчас.

“Daddy, can you tell a Star Wars joke?”
“Sure! *beepboop-beepbeep-boop-beep-squee-boop.*”
“I don’t get it.”
“You’d find it hilarious if you spoke R2...”

Если встать на улице и долго смотреть на небо, вскоре окружающие станут делать то же самое.

Грамотно раскатанная губа не особо мнётся после закатывания.

How does a person with a calender never go hungry?
They can eat the Dates and Sundays...

Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

My wife refuses to go to karaoke with me. I have to duet alone.

Людям, которые не умеют хорошо говорить, стоит научиться красноречиво молчать.

Teacher: "What does your dad do for s living?"
Student: "He is a magician."
Teacher: "What is his favourite trick?"
Student: "He cuts people in two."
Teacher: "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
Student: "Two half brothers and two half sisters."

My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.

Сделал добро — отойди на безопасное расстояние. Чтобы ударная волна благодарности тебя не зацепила.

Einstein got along well with his parents, relatively speaking .

My girlfriend threatened to leave me due to my obsession with Monopoly. I've asked her for one more chance.

I once saw my wife crying whilst slicing onions.
I had no idea she felt so emotional about root vegetables.

I got unfriended 3 times over the Shania Twain jokes...
That don't impress me much.

Best dating ad ever:
Man with oven and baking skills looking for woman with dough.

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

Чем ярче горят мосты за спиной, тем светлее твое будущее…

Nine out of ten students agree that someone got lost on the field trip.

Doctor: Well Mr Jones, I have some good news and some bad news
Jones: give me the bad news
Doctor: We have to amputate both your legs
Jones: Thats terrible, whats the good news?
Doctor: The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life.

So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass.
I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!"
"She said: "It's the boney part".

me: I'm not able to stop making jokes

doctor: you can't be serious

me: that's right

Went to a cannibal restaurant last night ....£50 a head.

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

Sent my dead Duck away to be cremated.
Just received his ashes in the post along with the Bill.

Let's take warning labels off every product and let natural selection improve the gene pool.

ALONE? I just want someone to touch me and look at me the way a woman touches and looks at a pair of shoes she can't afford... 👠

ADVICE > Hey single people, for the love of God stop looking for love... or you’ll end up married!

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you're wrong.

A good pun is its own reword.

Did you know James Bond makes really huge loafs of bread, i don't know how he makes it rise so much, he must use a special agent.

GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, "Notice anything different?'... works EVERY time.

The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.

I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!

Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

DON'T JUDGE ME for the choices I make... when you don't know the options I had to choose from!

New marital Status update: Taken, but only for GRANTED.

Really discouraging that there's still bald people in sci fi movies.

My buddy catches fish with his mouth, he sits there patiently with baited breath.

“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
— Georgia O’Keeffe

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.

Tener la posibilidad de herir a alguien que nos hirió y no hacerlo es lo que nos distingue de la gente mala.

Heard my neighbor yell "****" yesterday.
I thought this was impressive, because not many people can pronounce asterisks.

Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air... then you wave them like you just don’t care.

Софа была и умная и красивая, поэтому Сёма ждал подвоха в другом месте.