Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My jokes are so bad i'm going to join the witless protection program.

My neighbor, a Brit, had a swarm of bees in his back yard. I heard him tell the bees to behive themselves!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!

So what did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on earth have you been love?!"

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit of measure?
Mass confusion.

The country with the highest number of warning signs, is China. Red flags everywhere.

What did the plant say when it was hungry?
I could use a light snack.

If I do a job in 30 min., it's bcoz I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 min. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

I’ve invented a mind controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy, I know, but it makes scents when you think about it.

- Вась, кто девушку ужинает, тот её и танцует.
- Чё?
- Сначала мидии, потом хламидии.

Some men can't think straight -- they always have curves on their minds.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
~Oscar Wilde

Is it wetter underwater when it rains?

The Earth may be getting warmer but if I ever want to cool down I go to a mountain for the climb it change.

What's the opposite of opposite?

Him: what's wrong?
Her: I think we should see other people.
Him: What? Why??
Her: I don't feel we are working out.
Him:...
Her:?
Him: But I just bought us gym memberships!!

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do.
As an adult, you live for them.

9 OUT OF 10 HUSBANDS AGREED THAT THEIR WIVES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE 10TH HUSBAND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

- Сарочка, вы так много кушаете, как будто вас уже взяли замуж.

Therapist: Why do you think she’s crazy?
Me: She cooked all my food without Adobo to make me think I had Covid.

Somebody's been sneaking in here at night while I'm sleeping and stealing my nail clippers. I think it's a crept toe maniac.

What do you call a divorced person who just took a shower?
A clean-ex.

Genie: What is your final wish?
Boy: I wish I were you.
Genue: weurd but alrught.

Mr. Penn from Pennsylvania stole pens. He's now in the pen and is unrepentant!

Сделал дело - гуляй с ребенком!

A baker got fired because he kept on loafing!

So a bunch of us molecules and atoms went to a self-help course.
Our speaker told us, "You all matter."

Witch student: Curse these fractions!
Witch math teacher: You can't hexadecimal.

What do you call a person who’s afraid of livestock?
A COWard!

Problem with liquidity in US Financial markets is the Treasury not producing enough low denomination coins. Doesn't make cents.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian folk song?
It was a Finish Hymn.

Why do dragons sleep all day?
So they can fight knights!

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea.

They say a QUEUE is just a Q, followed by four silent letters...
But, they're just waiting their turn.

I have been keeping bees for a few months now. I get quite a buzz out of it.

"Sometimes you have to talk so that the silence doesn't say everything."
~ Herta Müller

The film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the F word 506 times.
I beat that record on the weekend, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.

Брак похож на американскую армию в Афганистане.
Поздно уйдешь и ты потратишь кучу денег и времени напрасно.

Afterism - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

Если согласен быть марионеткой,- не жалуйся, что ты весь издёрганный...

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.

At Grandads Funeral we decided to bury him vertically.
Plot twist.

My Wife wants to go out dressed as a Vulture this evening.
Over my dead body.

It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn't nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.

I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block...

There is a skunk that regularly attends our church services.
It has it's own pew.

Im optimistic in a pessimistic way.

МХАТ. Бузова играет в спектакле "Дядя Ваня" и на сцене делает минет Вайницкому. Зал в тишине молча смотрит. Через 10 минут встает пожилая театралка и произносит:
— Милочка, ну что вы чавкаете, ЭТО ЖЕ ЧЕХОВ!

— Доктор, у меня после операции странный шов на животе образовался.
— Это, голубчик, теперь у Вас рот.

— Что у тебя вообще за профессия такая — кинолог?
— Не твоё собачье дело.

Have some fun with your life... call in sick to places you don't even work at.

Why is it so hard for companies to do inventory in Afghanistan ? Because of the tally ban !

– Кто такой экскаватор?
– Это бывший каватор.

We went to downtown Washington, D. C. yesterday to see the Museum of Government Camouflage and Clandestine Activities, but we couldn't find it!

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

what's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

И что я буду иметь за свое бескорыстие?

I met a couple of friendly lumberjacks.
Nice fellers.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...
I told him it's a bit of a stretch.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.

- Доктор, я не испытываю оргазм со своим мужем.
- А с другими мужчинами?
- Испытываю, это — болезнь?
- Нет, просто обыкновенное блядство.

Жить стало настолько веселее, что никто уже и не мечтает жить лучше.

My dentist joined the army and they made him a Drill Sergeant.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

Два пожилых ирландца стоят на дублинской улице против дверей публичного дома. И вот они видят, что из этого заведения выходит раввин. Один из приятелей говорит другому: "В глубокой древности они заблудились в пустыне и до сих пор блуждают". Через некоторое время из той же двери выходит протестантский пастор. Второй ирландец говорит первому: "Видишь, отступление от истинного вероучения ведет к прямому нарушению заповедей Божиих". Но вот на пороге публичного дома появляется католический патер. Долгая пауза, и тогда один из приятелей произносит: "Наверное, какая-то из здешних девочек смертельно больна..."

- У тебя вообще с женщинами что-нибудь серьезное было?
- Да, один раз даже до суда дошло.

“All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

For $5 I'll comment on your exes new relationship photos saying "you've had better".

Duct tape.
Say no more.

Если тебя всё время носят на руках, осыпают цветами и дарят бриллианtы —
просыпайся, а то на работу опоздаешь!

I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.