Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What's the devil's favorite mayonnaise?
Hellmann's.

No wonder people don't like the SSA.
It's ass, backwards.

I thought my friend was pregnant, but it turns out she wasn't.
It was just a missed conception.

Штирлиц шел по цветочной улице и ника не мог оторвать глаза от мостовой. Это былы глаза Плейшнера.

Not sure why anyone would move to Casper, WY.
It's a ghost town.

What day do fish prefer to get caught?
Throwback Thursday.

Two carpenters competed against each other to see who could build the most steps in a set amount of time.
It was a stairing contest.

What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A Cattlelac.

I don't enjoy making puns about fractions.
But I'll make 1 if I halve 2.

The Venus de Milo was a great statue, but I’m not so sure it holds up...

What type of gum does Jesus chew?
Holy Spearmint.

Why didn't Edward return to America?
He was Snowden.

I took a leek at the Farmer's Market.
People were pissed.

What do gamblers call a craps table?
Pair o' dice.

My wife pointed out when I farted.
It was an ass toot observation.

Rumor has it a Friends reunion is in the works...
They better not be Phoebing.

What do pirates use to decorate their ship for Christmas?
Garrr-land.

What do you call a boy who tells dad jokes as he ages?
A *groan* man.

I went to a garlic lovers convention.
It was a mo-Mentos occasion.

Why couldn't the bobsledder get a date for Valentine's Day?
He was a luger.

How did the inventor of ExLax get so rich?
Craps.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?
He was 2 squared.

How do jewelers show their patriotism?
Independence.

I hate visiting the stables with my wife.
All it is is nag, nag, nag.

Why can’t you take golfers seriously?
They’re always playing a round.

What do you call a colorful artist?
Peacock-so.

What did the meteorologist do the rock wall?
Climate.

Did you hear about the satellite that crashed into the sun?
It got a warm reception.

How do you know fish are anxious to get caught?
They’re waiting with baited breath.

Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

Most common pig injury? Sprained oinkle.

What do they call it when
a writer farts? A draft.

Обратный экзорцизм - это когда дьявол просит священника выйти из мальчика.

What's the best letter to have in summer? Iced T.

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

- Дорогой, ты помнишь как первый раз меня увидел?
- Конечно, был солнечный день и ничего не предвещало беды.

What kind of aftershave do genetic scientists wear? Eau de clone.

Жизнь, как инструкция от таблеток — заново уже не сложится.

Человек без чудинки, как пирог без начинки.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right.
Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

A friend of mind accidentally ate some daffodil bulbs.
The hospital said he’ll be out in the spring.

Just been stopped speeding in my wheelchair in Asda. Apparently I was going 90 aisles an hour.

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying, "Shhh...not another word." is super romantic...but my coworker didn't think so.

My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.

"Vivir no es lo importante, triunfar no es nada. Lo importante es saber mantenerse humano".
-George Orwell

Rabbi addressing his congregation : "Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry . . . . . "

I have a pun about an expired perfume, but it doesn't make scents.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

Hey Doc! Can you throw an extra stitch in there?
First joke immediately after becoming a Dad for the first time.

"It's the thought that counts" doesn't include showering.
You have to actually do that.

Having a relationship without trust is like having a cell phone without service, all you can do is play games!

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

Tonight’s meeting of Apathy Anonymous has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Where do cows go on a date?
The moo-vies.

I used Avengers as my password and the computer said it had too many characters.

Все девушки хотят только одного и это отвратительно. Потому что они не знают чего именно.

Не хочу сказать, что старею, но все те звуки, что я когда-то издавал во время секса,
я издаю, просто вставая с дивана.

So I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!"

If you are not supposed to drink WD40, then why does it come with a straw?

My neighbor just banged on the wall at 4am, lucky I was still up playing music. He banged again shouted “Can I get a little respect please?”
I shouted back “I’m not a big fan of Aretha Franklin but I will play it just for you.”

My mates wife said she was leaving him because he is obsessed with football.
He asked her is it a temporary or permanent transfer.

How many table tennis balls can you fit in an empty pint glass?
One, after that the glass is no longer empty.

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

Why did Bach have so many children ?
No stops on his organ !

Where does Hannibal Lecter go to get his hair cut?
Salons of the Lambs.

What runs but is never out of breath?
Water.

I'm trying to beat the world record for ironing, i'm going flat out.

Its better to keep your mouth shut and be perceived stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

True Story: People won't believe you unless you start a story saying "True story"

If you lost a wallet with $300 in it, text me.
I found the empty wallet.

Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

Some people are like an old tv set, they need to be slapped a couple of times to get the picture.

Why do criminals make great softball pitchers?
They're naturally underhanded...

If you're out running in jeans, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.

Once I tried snorting coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose .

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?”
— Leonard Cohen

What do you call someone who comes over uninvited and tries to get you to work out with them?
A Jehovah fitness.

Absurdism is just nihilism on weed.

У пессимиста баба - так себе. А у оптимиста - ничо такая.