Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Not to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out!!

Dr. Watson - "What kind of school does that 9 year old go to?"
Sherlock - "Elementary my dear Watson."

After an extremely tense argument with the wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade flying towards me.

My friend said to me: "Who is the best band ever?"
I said, "Are they?"

—¿Qué te queda?
—Ilusión.
—No está todo perdido.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

I can't remember - Do I work from home or do I live at work?

What's yellow and goes bzzzzz? An electric lemon.

I met a German Olympic Athlete and asked him “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, "No, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

Dad: "When I was your age I ran a maratho."
Son: "You mean marathon?"
Dad: "No, I didn't finish."

Какие-то 90 % политиков портят репутацию всех остальных.

Medical College Professor to a girl student: "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size..?"
Girl Student: "Sir, I can't answer this question. It's too embarrassing...
Professor asked the same question to a male student.
Male Student: "It's the Pupil of a human eye."
Professor: "Correct."
Then Professor turned to the female and said: "Listen lady, not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...
5 times is too much...!!!"

What does my face and the internet have in common?
I browse.

Q: What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?
A: Neck-tarines!

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It's okay, I think we lost him."

- ты сказал, что ты от меня?
- сказал.
- и что?
- отпиздили.
- помнят меня))))

Answering machine message: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number 67, so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

Когда рэпер выступает на сцене с наушником в ухе, я всегда представляю, что у него там играет какая-то хорошая музыка.

IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE, WORMS ARE BEGGING PEOPLE TO GO FISHING.

I want to write a pun about the cripple but its lame.

Some plumbers started a band. They call themselves...
In sink.

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.

The wild horses just got out of the barn! Be very careful; they’re unstable!

When my mother was pregnant with me she was scared by a phonograph, but it didn’t effect me…effect me… effect me…

My wife likes vibrators. Dont know if they're her favourite but, they're certainly up there.

I’ve decided to open a new restaurant for cannibals.
Now I need to recruit several Head Chefs...

Why do we have to brush our teeth if they dont have hair?

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
Because they don’t have the koalafications!

Люди не прощают двух вещей: зависимости и независимости.

A friend of mine asked if I wanted to join her at a mind-reading workshop. I don’t know what she was thinking!

I saw on the news (really) that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

I don't get it as it's illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy or sell one.

When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

If you take the R out of varnish, it mysteriously vanishes.

I tried to make a song with the cranberries but the lead singer is now a *zombie*.

It took a lot of willpower but I finally gave up dieting.

I tried to date a 16 year old girl but I couldn't
Why?
Coz she smelled like teen spirit ...

Q. Where did the baseball keep its lemonade.
A. In the pitcher.

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she’s reloading.

Spiders are the only web developers in the world that enjoy finding bugs.

Two blondes drive to Disneyland, they see a sign that reads Disneyland left so they turned around and went home.

Этикет — это умение зевать с закрытым ртом.

- Моня, я хочу жить с тобой долго и счастливо!
- Циля, я тебя умоляю, если ты будешь жить счастливо, долго я не протяну!

C. Hello ma'am can I take your name please.
M. Yes its Freeta
C. And your last name?
M. It is Gow
C. So you are Freeta gow?
M. Thank you, bye

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Because Sometimes they have to draw blood.

—¿Cuántas vidas tiene un gato?
—Siete.
—Pues al tuyo le quedan seis.

A US submarine has a hole in it but not to worry they have Navy Seals for that.

Проходя ранней весной мимо дерева во дворе, полицейский по привычке отбил у него почки.

- Мазок мазку рознь - это я вам как уролог художнику говорю.

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

My friend msgd:
What does 'idk' mean?
I said: I don't know.
He said: oh ok nvm.
I said: what does nvm mean?
He said: nevermind.
I said: oh ok

Su opinión es muy valiosa, no me la dé.

Душевнобольные умело маскируются под духовнобогатых.

— Марк Соломонович, и почему вас женщины любят?
— Потому шо я умный.
— А почему вы не женитесь?
— Софья Моисеевна, вы шо — глухая?..

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was having a tea. Think he was on a brake.

There once was a man and his family way out on a rural road. Suddenly the unthinkable! A flat tire. He opened the trunk and retrieved the spare but upon further investigation no tools to change the tire. They sat in the heat for hours. Finally this tall well built farm hand stopped to lend a hand. The man explained the situation and the farm hand said no problem. Without hesitation he grabbed the rear of the car and lifted it so the tire could be changed, then gently set it back down. The man filled with gratitude gave him $20 dollars and thanked him. Before they parted ways the man said...by the way I didn't catch your name. The farm hand replied...... Jack is my name.

He’s a hippie. He’s a polygamist. How does he count his wives? One Misses Hippie. Two Misses Hippie……

Me to wife:
So, according to the Bible, who in the relationship should make coffee?
Wife: No idea since I don't drink the stuff.
Me: Well there's a whole book devoted to this. He Brews.
Wife: Oh no you didn't.

Успокоительные капли –
меня в них бесит вкус и цвет.

My mate tried to show off his fortune telling skills.
He wasn't that good.
Actually he was medium.

if it rains on a Sunday ,is it still a Sunday?

Сперматозоидам мешают выбиться в люди всякие гондоны.

What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.

SCIENCE:

If you don't make mistakes, you're doing it wrong.

If you don't correct those mistakes, you're doing it really wrong.

If you can't accept that you're mistaken, you're not doing it at all.

My favorite health drink is a
Neil Diamond smoothie.
It has 3 ingredients, swede, carrots, lime.

MY TO-DO LIST > I've just finished writing my to-do list for tomorrow, and it's huge! Now I just need to figure out who's going to do it...

What do you call a broken escalator ?
Stairs

Confucius says:
He who stands on toilet is high on pot.

You know that you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the cash register keeps putting it back.

My son wouldn’t stop climbing over the back of the boat so I gave him a stern warning.

I’ve had constipation for two days now- good job I don’t give a shit!

Couldn't get any sleep while camping in the forest because of the tree rings.

What goes oom oom oom?
A cow walking backwards!

Some stranger somewhere remembers you because you were weird to them.

What happens when you drop a red stone into the Black Sea?
It gets wet.

—La vida sería más bella si hiciéramos el amor y no la guerra.
—Contigo, no. Feo.

Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.