Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.

The wild horses just got out of the barn! Be very careful; they’re unstable!

When my mother was pregnant with me she was scared by a phonograph, but it didn’t effect me…effect me… effect me…

My wife likes vibrators. Dont know if they're her favourite but, they're certainly up there.

I’ve decided to open a new restaurant for cannibals.
Now I need to recruit several Head Chefs...

Why do we have to brush our teeth if they dont have hair?

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
Because they don’t have the koalafications!

Люди не прощают двух вещей: зависимости и независимости.

A friend of mine asked if I wanted to join her at a mind-reading workshop. I don’t know what she was thinking!

I saw on the news (really) that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

I don't get it as it's illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy or sell one.

When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden...

He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

If you take the R out of varnish, it mysteriously vanishes.

I tried to make a song with the cranberries but the lead singer is now a *zombie*.

It took a lot of willpower but I finally gave up dieting.

I tried to date a 16 year old girl but I couldn't
Why?
Coz she smelled like teen spirit ...

Q. Where did the baseball keep its lemonade.
A. In the pitcher.

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she’s reloading.

Spiders are the only web developers in the world that enjoy finding bugs.

Two blondes drive to Disneyland, they see a sign that reads Disneyland left so they turned around and went home.

Этикет — это умение зевать с закрытым ртом.

- Моня, я хочу жить с тобой долго и счастливо!
- Циля, я тебя умоляю, если ты будешь жить счастливо, долго я не протяну!

C. Hello ma'am can I take your name please.
M. Yes its Freeta
C. And your last name?
M. It is Gow
C. So you are Freeta gow?
M. Thank you, bye

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Because Sometimes they have to draw blood.

—¿Cuántas vidas tiene un gato?
—Siete.
—Pues al tuyo le quedan seis.

A US submarine has a hole in it but not to worry they have Navy Seals for that.

Проходя ранней весной мимо дерева во дворе, полицейский по привычке отбил у него почки.

- Мазок мазку рознь - это я вам как уролог художнику говорю.

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

My friend msgd:
What does 'idk' mean?
I said: I don't know.
He said: oh ok nvm.
I said: what does nvm mean?
He said: nevermind.
I said: oh ok

Su opinión es muy valiosa, no me la dé.

Душевнобольные умело маскируются под духовнобогатых.

— Марк Соломонович, и почему вас женщины любят?
— Потому шо я умный.
— А почему вы не женитесь?
— Софья Моисеевна, вы шо — глухая?..

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was having a tea. Think he was on a brake.

There once was a man and his family way out on a rural road. Suddenly the unthinkable! A flat tire. He opened the trunk and retrieved the spare but upon further investigation no tools to change the tire. They sat in the heat for hours. Finally this tall well built farm hand stopped to lend a hand. The man explained the situation and the farm hand said no problem. Without hesitation he grabbed the rear of the car and lifted it so the tire could be changed, then gently set it back down. The man filled with gratitude gave him $20 dollars and thanked him. Before they parted ways the man said...by the way I didn't catch your name. The farm hand replied...... Jack is my name.

He’s a hippie. He’s a polygamist. How does he count his wives? One Misses Hippie. Two Misses Hippie……

Me to wife:
So, according to the Bible, who in the relationship should make coffee?
Wife: No idea since I don't drink the stuff.
Me: Well there's a whole book devoted to this. He Brews.
Wife: Oh no you didn't.

Успокоительные капли –
меня в них бесит вкус и цвет.

My mate tried to show off his fortune telling skills.
He wasn't that good.
Actually he was medium.

if it rains on a Sunday ,is it still a Sunday?

Сперматозоидам мешают выбиться в люди всякие гондоны.

What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.

SCIENCE:

If you don't make mistakes, you're doing it wrong.

If you don't correct those mistakes, you're doing it really wrong.

If you can't accept that you're mistaken, you're not doing it at all.

My favorite health drink is a
Neil Diamond smoothie.
It has 3 ingredients, swede, carrots, lime.

MY TO-DO LIST > I've just finished writing my to-do list for tomorrow, and it's huge! Now I just need to figure out who's going to do it...

What do you call a broken escalator ?
Stairs

Confucius says:
He who stands on toilet is high on pot.

You know that you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the cash register keeps putting it back.

My son wouldn’t stop climbing over the back of the boat so I gave him a stern warning.

I’ve had constipation for two days now- good job I don’t give a shit!

Couldn't get any sleep while camping in the forest because of the tree rings.

What goes oom oom oom?
A cow walking backwards!

Some stranger somewhere remembers you because you were weird to them.

What happens when you drop a red stone into the Black Sea?
It gets wet.

—La vida sería más bella si hiciéramos el amor y no la guerra.
—Contigo, no. Feo.

Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.

Random pick up lines : I usually call APIs but if you give me your number, I might call you.

what do you use to fix a pig?

a ham mer.

*Kid in a wheelchair makes a joke*

Me: 'You should become a stand-up comedian'

Me: Alexa, remind to go to the gym please?
Alexa: I've added gin to your shopping list.
Me: Close enough.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
They were married in the spring!

Новозеландская тяжелоатлетка Лорел Хаббард уронила штангу себе на член.

A meeting is an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Confucius say, "He who goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."

Why was the bucket embarrassed at the beach? Because of how pail it was.

Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

What do you call an ant that fights crime? A vigilanty.

How does a daddy flower greet his baby?
Hey Bud!

—Me he dejado llevar por mi intuición.
—¿Y dónde estás?
—Muy lejos de ti.

Женщина была заводной, но испорченной и без гарантии.

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

When traveling between Russia and Alaska, you first must get your Bering Strait.

“That man is rich whose pleasures are the cheapest.”
—Henry David Thoreau

—Hace tiempo que no sé nada de ti.
—Y así está bien.

Для чужих, моя душа - потёмки, а для своих - приятный полумрак.

Why can you drink a drink but you can’t food a food?

Why are programmers confused by Christmas and Halloween?
Because DEC(25) = OCT(31).

I'm pleased to announce that I've just finished a marathon.
Or snickers as they are called today.