Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

О пользе витаминов: только когда Адам съел яблоко, у него появилась эрекция.

My wife was just involved in a car crash, she told the police that the man was on his phone and drinking a can of larger, the police said he can do whatever he likes in his own house.

Now that I have my Drivers License, I seem to be more popular than ever, Everytime I go through a red light people honk and wave.

Why are Fireman's Balls bigger than Policeman's Balls?
Cause they sell more tickets.

What is green and white and hops??

Frog sandwich on white bread.

Best sign to put on a badly parked car:
The way you pulled in makes me wish your daddy had pulled out!

How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

My neighbor is in to archery. For her birthday, her boyfriend made a container for her arrows. She now says that of all the men she has dated, he is the first to make her quiver.

Went to my dentist and I told him my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a Brown neck tie.

I don't exercise when I'm sick.
My nose does the running for me.

Сколько женщину ни корми, она все равно себе бикини купит.

Why do I enjoy hearing bad puns?
I groan up listening to them.

We've been married so long, we're on our second bottle of tobasco sauce.

My wife said if I was half a man I would take the kids to the circus. I said if I was half a man I'd be IN the circus.

Why do they call it a hot water heater, when hot water doesn’t need to be heated?

Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them ?

- Девушка, можно с вами познакомиться?
- Я лесбиянка.
- Без проблем, я веду себя как баба.

Ищи красивых среди умных, а не наоборот.

Man goes in a bar. Usually just chips n alcohol but now mangoes.

Phone rings
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi this is a courtesy call is your refrigerator running?
Me: No its just chillin.

Robin Hoods brother is also well known in the hometown. His name is Neighbour.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
Just a buck an ear.

Why do they call it a Driveway when you park in it ?

What do hedgehogs say when they hug?
Ouch!

I threw some pills and accidentally broke one of my windows.
I didn't realize they're pane killers.

If being sexy was a crime,
I’d be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

What do you call a joke that doesn't work?
Dud joke.

Why dont Eskimos use computers? Because the screens always freeze.

Beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean !
Against bars, tables, chairs, walls.

How do spacemen tie their shoes? They use astro knots.

Патологоанатомы утверждают, что внутренняя красота человека сильно преувеличена.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes".
Man: "I wish for a world without lawyers".
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes".
Man: "But you said 3".
Genie: "Sue me!"

Los mejores regalos no se envuelven, se desvisten.

Did you know that Viagra is now being given to the elderly in care homes, apparently it stops them rolling out of bed.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it's private.

If flying is so safe why is the airport called the terminal ?

WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says "a pint for me, please, and one for the road".

A Middle Eastern market is opening up in our neighborhood.
How bazaar is that?

Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
She really just needed a shoulder to crayon.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, "Do you want to hear today's special?"
I said, "Yes please."
Waiter: "No problem, sir. Today is special."

She gave birth on the stairs..
i call it a stepchild.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but realized I only had a croc pot.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

What is the difference between God and a doctor????? God does not think he is a doctor.

Краткость мать много чего. Экономии слов, например.

В спорте важно не только победить самого себя, но и не проиграть сопернику.

Scientists are trying to find ways of harnessing more power from the sun but it wont happen overnight.

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg you can actually hear them say "What the hell are you doing?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

I miss my ex-girlfriend, we split up over her constant habit of counting..
Wonder what she’s up to now..

- Доктор, при таком диагнозе, как у меня, надежда есть?
- Надежда? Есть... Шансов нет.

So I went into Gregg's the bakers today and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said: "Would you like me to put it in the microwave for you love?"
I said: "Yes please".
So she followed me home...

Happy summer -- the time when it's too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do all winter!

I have started a part time job, selling security systems door to door.
It is going well, if they are not home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

How much food did I have at the carnival? A Fair amount.

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins.

In retrospect, paper would have been easier.

If you shoot for the moon and miss, at least you'll be among the stars... or you'll land on Uranus.

Looked up the cost of low quality electrical plugs. They were shocking

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

Man named David:
"If I ever had a son, I would name him Harley, so that everyone would go, 'Yeah, that's Harley, David's son!'

Friend: I think you have a problem with overusing contractions.
Me: It’s what it’s.

Performing Accapella versions of songs by U2.
That really takes the Edge off.

Me: how long have i got ?
Doc: three to six months.
Me: until my next appointment ?
Doc: what ?
Me: what ?

— Давай сверим часы. У меня за 10 тысяч.
— А у меня за 15 тысяч. Твои отстают.

Why'd the man stop at the barbershop for directions? He was looking for a short-cut.....

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I'd never be bored again.

I'm going to have to defrost the fridge tonight. Or foreplay as she calls it.

- Я вчера проходил мимо Вашего дома.
- Спасибо.

В одесской поликлинике.
-Доктор у меня грипп, что вы мне посоветуете?
-Держитесь от меня подальше!

Doctor, Doctor, I like your suit, where did you get it from?
NEXT!

В семье Шниперзонов царила полнейшая гармония: Цилечка говорила за двоих, а Лёва молчал за обоих! 

Фиме очень хотелось шоколадку, но он отдал ее Риточке. Потому что Риточку Фима хотел таки сильнее! 

- Роза Марковна, зачем так стараться быть молодой? 
- Ну, во-первых, я привыкла…

- Папа, смотри, сиськи на ёлке! 
- Где?! 
Внимательно смотрит на елку, потом разочарованно произносит: 
- Яша! И за шо я плачу логопеду?! 

Абрам Исаакович Пинденгольц читает в газете сыну: "Сборная России по футболу вчера, в тяжелейшей битве, вырвала очко у Лихтенштейна". 
- Вот это молодежь пошла! Бедному еврею и на улицу не выйти!!! 

Если в Одессе на стене висит репродукция картины Айвазовского, то комната считается с видом на море!