Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

So this bloke just asked me if I like using Puns?

I said, "Using Puns? is this some kind of little joke?.." ☺️

I've just had a vasectomy, i kid you not.

Если жизнь — невыносимая, то вынеси для начала мусор.

My doctors, dentist, and hair appointment was canceled.
I was disappointed.

I asked my boss where he wanted this big roll of bubble wrap, he said just pop it in the corner, took me 4 bloody hours…

What’s the difference between a happy dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Жили были Ох, Ах и Ого-го.
Ох был пессимистом, ленив и постоянно вздыхал.
Ах был оптимистом, радостен, активно принимал участие в общественной жизни.
Ну а Ого-го - просто нравился женщинам.

Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol?
The residents were left high and dry.

My mate's got OCD. But he's got loads of Vinyl.
Which he keeps in alphabetical order.

— Сара, зачем тебе лифчик?
— У меня карманов нету!

- ¿Qué piensas hacer con tu vida?
- No meterme en la tuya.

Муж говорит жене
— Дорогая, представь ситуацию: ты приходишь домой, а я в постели с другой женщиной.
— Дорогой, а представь и ты ситуацию — ты приходишь домой, а я в постели с другим мужчиной.
— А ты ситуацию с блядством не путай!

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

I bought my wife a rasp for her birthday... .. She's filing for divorce.

Why did the fried chicken cross the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
To get to the other sides!!

Один из ключей к счастью - плохая память.

My dad always insisted on feeding me alphabet soup…it wasn’t till years later I realised he was just putting words into my mouth.

When I was a kid my dad used to hit me with a camera.
I still have flash backs.

Gambling is a sin. Bet you can't give it up.

I went to a foot doctor. He was really short.

Больше всех в колхозе работала лошадь , но она так и не стала председателем .

Вы никогда не заработаете больших денег, если думаете, что их зарабатывают.

"Do you ever think of me?"
"Yes, but I hate to tell you what."

A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep.

I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.

Хотелось бы лично убедиться, что таки не в деньгах счастье.

Breaking News ;Donald Duck was killed .Someone yelled Donald Duck ,he did not.

- Что это? - спросил Иванушка Дурачок.
- Пирог с яблоками, - ответила Баба Яга.
- Но ты же ешь людей!
- Ну, не с чаем же.

They are taking down a palm tree next month
I got a save the date invitation…

what do letters drink?
t

So I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

- Послушайте, Шнеерзон, когда я смотрю на вас, мне кажется, шо ваша мама не хотела, а папа не старался!

Еврейская мудрость.
Если вам не удалось скопить стартовый капитал, то начинайте копить финишный.

A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail…
And yet he didn't appear in The Mirror or The Sun…

My german friend didn't realise she was pregnant until she actually gave birth.
That was a kinder surprise.

A will is a dead giveaway!

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.......same thing.

What kind of cheese would you use to hide a pony ?
Màscarpone.

Knock knock. Who's there?
RayD.
RayD. who?
RayD or not, here I come.

Isn't it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn't something that is used to clean vacuums?

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

Феминисткам на заметку…
Некоторые женские должности передаются только половым путём.

Кто стал никем, тот спал - не с тем.

I love mimes, but that goes without saying!

One of astronauts first missions was to watch the Earth rotate from space. After 24 hours they got bored & called it a day.

I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk.

The clerk said 'What are you doing?'

I said 'I want to open a joint account'

what do you call a crying cow?
mooody.

I was meant to have dinner with the invisible man tonight.
But he didn’t show up.

You cannot fight destiny because if you try to fight destiny, you will also have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers, too.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!!
How do you catch a tame one?
The tame way!

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching.

Иногда хорошее настроение передаётся только половым путём.

— Сынок, тебе понравился игрушечный циклоп?
— Да, папа. Я не могу оторвать от него глаз.

What did one math book say to the other math book?
Look buddy, I got my own problems.

What is white and yellow and goes 120mph?
Train driver’s egg sandwich.

So I went for a job as a lumberjack..
Fella asks: "Have you any experience?"
I replied: "Have you heard of the Sahara Forest?"
He said: "You mean Sahara Desert!"
I said: "Well that's what they call it now!"

To the person who lost their iPhone on the bus this morning...Can you please stop calling my new phone..It's fcuking annoying me.

Chuck Norris invented the giraffe by uppercutting a horse.

- Расскажи что-нибудь веселое.
- Из своей жизни?
- Нет, веселое...

I sometimes order undercooked steak. But it’s rare.

What do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? Sistermatic.

I called the paranoia hotline

They answered, "how did you get this number?"

What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep and Helium just brings it back to normal?

She told me she felt empty inside, so I got her pregnant.

I just ordered 42 bottles of Tip-Ex.
Big mistake.

Моя девушка очень не любит слово "сука". Видимо, придётся запомнить, как зовут её маму...

I have a car with an automatic transmission, but they gave me an owners manual. Where do I get an owners automatic?

I'm sorry we fought.

I hate it when you're wrong.

What's a plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

Amor es darlo todo.
Cuando no tienes nada.

My wife told me that when i visit her mother in hospital to take her flowers, i did that but i dont know what to do with these flowers now.

I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth...

"I had a circumcision at one day old. One day old! Can you believe it? I couldn't walk for a year!!"

The man entered his home and was instantly delighted when he discovered every lightbulb in the house had been stolen!

There are two types of people I can't stand...
Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what's going on.

After hearing about the vegan special, I told our waitress I have a medical condition which prevents me from being a vegan. She asked, Really? I said, it’s a flesh eating disease. She walked away.

At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

It was so hot this afternoon I saw a Goth take his coat off.

This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
Swallow?
No. I managed to spit it out.