Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Random pick up lines : I usually call APIs but if you give me your number, I might call you.

what do you use to fix a pig?

a ham mer.

*Kid in a wheelchair makes a joke*

Me: 'You should become a stand-up comedian'

Me: Alexa, remind to go to the gym please?
Alexa: I've added gin to your shopping list.
Me: Close enough.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
They were married in the spring!

Новозеландская тяжелоатлетка Лорел Хаббард уронила штангу себе на член.

A meeting is an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Confucius say, "He who goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."

Why was the bucket embarrassed at the beach? Because of how pail it was.

Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

What do you call an ant that fights crime? A vigilanty.

How does a daddy flower greet his baby?
Hey Bud!

—Me he dejado llevar por mi intuición.
—¿Y dónde estás?
—Muy lejos de ti.

Женщина была заводной, но испорченной и без гарантии.

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

When traveling between Russia and Alaska, you first must get your Bering Strait.

“That man is rich whose pleasures are the cheapest.”
—Henry David Thoreau

—Hace tiempo que no sé nada de ti.
—Y así está bien.

Для чужих, моя душа - потёмки, а для своих - приятный полумрак.

Why can you drink a drink but you can’t food a food?

Why are programmers confused by Christmas and Halloween?
Because DEC(25) = OCT(31).

I'm pleased to announce that I've just finished a marathon.
Or snickers as they are called today.

I used my girlfriend's name as a variable in my code, she broke up with me.

Police have arrested the Worlds Tongue Twister Champion again . He`s expecting a tougher sentence this time.

Q: Why did the sadist set off a gas explosion?
A: He was pro-pain!

I gave my wife a fork and a calculator for her birthday, she said whats this, i said i know its not what you wanted but its the fork that counts.

I’m a writer. If I seem cold, it’s because I’m surrounded by drafts.

I used to date a time traveller, but I had to break up with her. I found out she was two-timing me.

What does a Stormtrooper say when he farts?
Pew pew pew.

This is John Crapper, my number 2 man!

Strange…. I haven’t seen any camouflage jokes yet…

What do you call a guy who brings my daughter home late on Prom night?
An ambulance.

My wife keeps telling me how immature I am "and if I don't grow up, it will erect a barrier between us".
Ha ha ha "erect".

Did you know John Legend started his own dairy farm?
It's Legend Dairy.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.

Not so famous final words...
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Are you sure the power is off?
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
7. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
8. I wonder where the mother bear is.
9. I've seen this done on TV.
10. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
11. What duck?
12. Let it down slowly.
13. I can do that with my eyes closed.
14. I can make this light before it changes.
15. Nice doggie.

What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth?
"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond."

I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

If u show her u care she will keep u as a spare.

Someone bloke just insulted my wife.
He called her an Old Cow.
How dairy.

Одна, Леди, пятьдесят раз упала в грязь по дороге домой.
— Леди! — ахнул дворецкий, открывая дверь.
— С головы до ног, — мрачно кивнула Леди.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

The word of the day is "drool".
It just rolls off the tongue.

I recently quit my job at a hotel for backpackers.
It was a hostel work environment.

One man almost asked a travel agent for a date. However, he had his reservations because she seemed reserved!

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs
The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Q: How do cadavers talk to each other?
A: BODY LANGUAGE!

I got a brief joke about underwear.

When a dad joke has been around a long time does it become a grandpa joke?

The music school printed registration forms on marble. They only want students who rock enroll.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 2 bucks and deer nuts are under a buck.

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?💉

You might wake the sleeping pills💊

I always take the road Les traveled.
Les was really smart. He was good at directions and he knew things.

Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

Doctor - "How do you feel?
Me - "Mostly with my hands."

No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.

BIRTH CONTROL WHEN YOU GET OLDER - Nowadays I'm so 'out of shape' that my birth control is just to leave the lights on...

What do you call a 12 inch turd?
A footstool.

I'm thinking of making my own pool cue...
Anyone got any tips?....

Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes and a case of the shingles.

I just rang the Incontinence Hotline.
The woman said, “Can you hold, please?”

Возраст определяется не годами, а количеством потерянных иллюзий...

My wife asked me if I took a nap.
I said, I have no idea. I was asleep!

Wood is so expensive. I went to the doctor with a splinter, he gave me $10 for it!

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...
....using a tablet.

Local janitors have gone out on strike. They are demanding sweeping reforms.

There’s a nudist convention in town next week,
I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

- Мой брат Моня может пробежать 100 метров за восемь секунд.
- Враки! Мировой рекорд в беге на стометровку — девять секунд.
- Ну так и шо?! Моня знает короткий путь!

Дрyзья порой говорят,что у меня зaeла пластинка,но я не винил их.

— Алло, это Стив Джобс?
— Да
— Винда.

- Боря, у нас первое свидание, а вы всё молчите и молчите.
- Вы знаете, Роза, я такой застенчивый. Вы бы мне уже дали, да я бы пошёл.

When I was in school, I had a teacher named Mr. Morse. I didn't do well in his class because he always spoke in code...

I placed my order at the restaurant and the cashier said, "can I get a name?"
I replied. "Didn't you parents give you one?"

-Моня, что бы ты выбрал: шобы тебя поругали,но дали денег или похвалили,но денег не дали?
-Это зависит от того,есть ли у вас деньги или будете ругать в долг.

My mate was upset when i told him he has really soft hands, no hard feelings though.

- Фима, я шо-то не пойму! Почему девушки выходят замуж худенькие, килограммов под сорок, а после замужества становятся в 2-3 раза тяжелее?
- Сёма, всё дело в том, что худенькой легче проникнуть в дом, а толстую тяжелее оттуда вытолкать!