Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why don’t Jehovas Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door.

Why is Adam considered the fastest person in the Bible?

He came first in the human race.

My dad always told me I should marry an Egyptian woman.

He said they make great mummies.

Sure I drink eight glasses of water a day
(after they've been run through some coffee grounds and filtered).

What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits...

Two things I am thankful for:
1: Family and friends.
2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady.

She kept yelling, “I’m peeing in here!”

How ungrateful!

Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs.

Follow me for more financial freedom advice.

Wife: "Where did you get that trombone?"
Husband: "From him next door."
Wife: "Why? You can't play it."
Husband "I know, but neither can he now!”

Broke men act rich to attract women.

Rich men act poor to test women.

Why do archaeologists get the most girls?

Because they have the best dating techniques.

Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to die every day.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Don't think in battles, think of war.

Don't think of families, think of dynasties.

Don't think of businesses, think of empires.

Rhinos are overweight unicorns.

Not many people know this but I actually studied dad jokes in college.

I majored in sighchology.

I’ve just robbed the local snooker club in broad daylight. Took a lot of balls.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on amplifiers.

She said, “Yes, what volume would you like?”

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier.

But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

Did you hear about the magician that turned his car into a driveway?

I like to break the ice on a first date by asking if she's ever found blood in her stool.

A broken clock isn't right twice a day if you break it into small enough pieces.

Why don’t mummies ever take time off?

They’re afraid to unwind.

Humans can't hear a dog whistle, because dogs can't whistle.

Be the reason why someone makes their account private.

To start a zoo you need at least 2 pandas, a grizzly and a polar.

It’s the bear minimum.

Oh no I typed the last character of my password wrong. Better delete the entire thing and try again.

Did you hear about the tale of the haunted refrigerator?

It was chilling.

Got paid, might buy winrar idk.

Follow your dreams, but don't forget to pay the bills.

Procrastinate today, regret it tomorrow.

Top investment tip;
Put your money into pasta companies.
Worth every penne.

Where do young trees go to learn?

Elementree school.

Stay calm in every storm.

Who studies ancient humor?

An archae-lol-ogist.

Just looked up an old girlfriend from school.
Being a gynaecologist is a bit weird.

Do Canadians live longer, or does it just seem that way because of metric years?

Apparently, a DNA testing kit is not an appropriate baby shower gift.

Welcome to Book Binding Club.
Please make yourself a tome.

Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra....

The biggest lesson work has taught me:
Efficient employees get punished with more work.

A pig without 3.14 is 9.8

Dogs bark during postal deliveries because they know bills make us unhappy.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

People still follow to unfollow later like they're celebrities.

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia. She didn't actually say that, but I know it was what she was thinking.

I started a management meeting by getting everyone to say 'Titanic' to each other, but they all just looked confused.

I guess it wasn't a very good ice breaker.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls I stay on the line and answer every question with "What?"

Yes, I repeat the same jokes on here, but I mix up the typos to keep things interesting.

Which civilization was the first to advance technical, specialist or niche interests?

The Ancient Geeks.

You don't pay an income tax if you don't have an income.

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

Is it just me?
Or are there any other anagrams of em?

"I'd like some kielbasa please."

"Are you Polish?"

"What does my nationality have to do with it?"

"This is Home Depot."

The website for orphans doesn't have a home page.

The other day I walked past the lead singer of R.E.M.

I thought that I heard him laughing.

“Shoot for the stars – you might land on the moon” actually describes a terrible mission failure.

Panic attacks are my cardio.

Food is 110% better than people.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Приносит мужик врачу анализы. Тот берет баночку с мочой, переливает в стаканчик. Надпивает.
— Ну что ж, моча у вас нормальная, никаких замечаний…
Берет коробочку с калом. Аккуратненько ложечкой смакует.
— Ну что ж, кал хороший, никаких отклонений…
Берет кал, бросает в стканчик с мочой. Перемешивает ложечкой. Надпивает.
— Ну что же, анализы у вас вроде бы хорошие…
Вдруг — бац! — выплескивает все содержимое стакана мужику в лицо.
Мужик в шоке:
— А-а-а-а!
— А вот нервишки надо бы подлечить!

u study hard
i hardly study

we are not the same

- Hago un montón de cosas con IA.
- ¿Con Inteligencia Artificial?
- No, con insomnio y ansiedad.

When you are angry, stay silent.

50% of Scotland is land.

The other 50% is Scot.

Gloria Gaynor invited 6 people to dinner, but only five turned up.
"Never mind, " she said, "I will serve five."

Just paid off our mortgage using wife's Only Fans account.

She's going to be furious when she finds out she has an Only Fans account.

В еврейском БДСМ запрещено привязывать пейсы к кровати.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out they’re all bark and no bite.

“One man’s “magic” is another man’s engineering. “Supernatural” is a null word.”
- Robert A. Heinlein

I spotted my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop, so I stopped.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

"Why don't you just sod off" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little guy" I thought, so I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I eat spicy food like my butthole owes me money.

I respect your beliefs and your religion even though they are totally wrong and made up.

Когда дрочу - молитву бормочу.

Me: this is romantic isn’t it? Just the two of us.
Cellmate: I mean I guess.

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

I’ve always been an outsider. The only thing worth being inside is a pussy.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!