Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why do innuendos and double entendres drive you crazy?

Cause they're a Hintfinite loop.

Women who live in tall buildings have long hair.

Yeah, how else is a prince going to save them?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The students won't cheat in exams if they value their learning more than we value their grades.

Teach your children early what you learned late.

Not all those who wander are lost.

–– J. R. R. Tolkien

Twitter is cool because somewhere across the world someone you don’t know hates you.

Fuck rich and famous.

I wanna be wealthy and anonymous.

“Using a term like nonlinear science is like referring to the bulk of zoology as the study of non-elephant animals.”
– Stanislaw Ulam

You can be whatever you want, so be the person who ends meetings early.

I'm not particularly fond of people who fly in private jets to a meeting where they discuss how to take away my car and feed me bugs...

If god has a plan then what the fuck are you praying for?

You know you are meant for each other when you're both taking the same meds.

Don't stop until you proud.

Being an airport baggage handler is more complicated than I thought.

There's a lot to take on board.

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours.

If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.

Eat whatever you want, and if someone calls you fat, eat them too.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

If you hear weird noises in the night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance.

Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.

Modern dancing is simple. You just write your name in the air with your ass.

Don't spend too much money on expensive headphones. That's….sound advice.

Is your kid driving you crazy? Play hide and seek with them. Tell them to hide, and you count up to 1000.

How to Avoid Being Stressed at Work:
Don’t go to work.

Feeling sad after a break-up? Fill a rubber glove with water so you always have a hand to hold!

Feel lonely at night? Watch a horror film before bed and you'll never feel alone again!

Reverse racism is racism.

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.

If you stared at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.

Never do a whole job when a half job will do.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.

It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.

If you leave your wipers up, an officer won’t be able to leave a fine. Your money will be saved.

No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.

If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.

Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.

If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.

If any guy tries to hurt you, tell him I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.

If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.

Asking government to fix government is like asking cancer to cure cancer.

How to become a billionaire in 2 steps:

1. Save 1 million dollars per year.

2. Do it for next 1,000 years.

I named my indoor/outdoor cat, "Help," just to fuck with the neighbors.

Having boobs helps me avoid having unwanted eye contact.

I bet your brain feels good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

You’re so fat you could sell shade.

There’s only one problem with your face… I can see it.

Mirrors can’t talk, and lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

Fake hair, fake nails, fake smile. Are you sure you weren’t made in China?

Maybe if you ate some of that make up you could be pretty on the inside.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.

You’ve got a great face for make up.

You’re so dumb, I bet your dog teaches you tricks.

You’re the reason they invented double doors.

You’re so ugly the only dates you get are on a calendar.

We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.

I’d give you a slap, but that’d be animal abuse.

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

You’re living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Hey dog breath, if I throw a stick will you go away?

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for example.

I’d love to insult you, but I won’t do as well as nature did.

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.

I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you.

What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Of course I talk like an idiot… How else would you understand me?

You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.

You look like a before picture.

Your family tree must be a cactus, because everybody on it’s a prick.

You’re about as useful as a vibrator with no batteries.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable… Like a coma.

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.