Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What would Britney Spears say after, as usual, she let one rip? "Oops, I did it again."

What do you do to get a bubble bath after dinner? Just have beans for dinner.

How do you know a clown farted? It smells funny.

What happened to the man who only ate Skittles?
He farted rainbows.

If you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.

How does NASA pass gass?
They fart using their ass-teroids.

When is a fart joke acceptable?
When it doesn’t stink!

I used to cough in public to hide my farts, but now I fart in public to hide my coughs.

Why does everyone always think Piglet farted?
He plays with Pooh!

What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!

Why do farts smell?
So that deaf people can enjoy them too.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Fart and the world stops laughing.

Why is love like a fart?
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

What did the menstrual pad write on the “thank you” note to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

Why did the fart miss graduation?
It got expelled.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
She didn’t want the other chickens to notice that she farted.

A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it’s not your own.

I didn’t fart in front of my partner until we got married.
Her family wasn’t too impressed.

I farted at work yesterday, and my coworker opened the window.
It must have been bad — we’re flight attendants.

What do you get when an aristocrat farts?
A noble gas.

I got fired from my job delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness.
Unfortunately, I let one rip.

Farts are like children.
You don’t mind your own, but you can’t stand other people’s.

Why did everyone notice when Bill Gates farted in the Apple store?
Because they didn’t have any Windows.

Why did the man stop telling fart jokes?
He was told that his jokes stink.

Why won’t the skeleton fart in public?
He doesn’t have the guts.

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop.
One fly farts and the other fly cries, “Hey! I’m trying to eat here!”

I didn’t fart…
My butt likes you so much it blew a kiss.

What do you call a ghost fart?
A spirit bomb.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A bunny fart!

Why do you have to watch out for ninjas’ farts?
They’re silent — but deadly.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn’t remember a lot.

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin..

I said.."What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

Не сидите ночами в Фейсбуке. Пусть все думают, что у вас секс.

- Рабинович, а шо вы можете сказать за переходный возраст?
- Таки это когда вам столько лет, шо молодые вас уже не хотят, а старых вы ещё не хотите...

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

Friend: I'm trying to scare away a crow with a gun.
Me: How did a crow get a gun?

Яша Рабинович, делая вид, что читает газету, искоса посматривает на молоденьких девушек.
Сара, заметив это, произносит: "Ладно, нагуливай аппетит, ужинать дома будешь".

I’ve started a pioneering business.
I sell pie and earrings . . .

There are 2 rules to living a happy and successful life:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

- Софочка,ты девушка моей мечты: Весёлая, интеллигентная, красивая...
- Яша, ты что хочешь со мной переспать?
- И умная!

There are different opinions on how to react to a hostile dog.
I’m on the fence on this one.

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

But I think she's just a poser.

Refrigerators are cool.

Why do spoons gossip? Because they like to stir things up!

Are you from Ireland? cuz I can feel my penis Dublin!

Where you born on a farm?

Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

I lost some luggage on a flight,
I was told it ended up in Antarctica may never be found,
It's now a cold case!!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

P.
It's like R, but missing a leg.

The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails and now I have less cargo.

I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.

Why doesn’t Pakistan have any football teams?
Every corner they get the open a shop on it!

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day, tell you what, they saw me coming.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
Ones made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

Bought a new vacuum on Black Friday.
It sucks!

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins…I don’t think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

Never do bedroom shopping while drunk
It can lead to one nightstand.

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him “you’re not going to find what you’re looking for.”

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

Gap has announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China. Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here."

What does a ghost do when he's hungry?
Go ghost-ry shopping.

Where do dogs go after their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at the mall?
He heard boys underwear was half off.

What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
A Navy Wet Seal.

What was the horse looking for at the mall? A Macintosh.

What happens when a judge gets something to eat at the mall?
He places an "Order in the food court".

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they are all Targets!

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Why don't kittens like going to the mall?
They prefer a cat-alogue.

What did the rooster do to impress the hen? He wrote poultry for her.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local libraries weren’t too happy about it.

Some people claim that in the English language, the letter “y” can be used as a vowel; but that's a myth.

У каждой женщины должно быть маленькое черное платье. У меня тоже есть черное платье, которое мне маленькое.

What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
Blowjob is anonymous.

What’s the best thing about midgets??
They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

If 2 nuts on the wall are walnuts And 2 nuts on your chest are chestnuts What are two nuts on your chin?
A blowjob.