Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins…I don’t think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

Never do bedroom shopping while drunk
It can lead to one nightstand.

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him “you’re not going to find what you’re looking for.”

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

Gap has announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China. Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here."

What does a ghost do when he's hungry?
Go ghost-ry shopping.

Where do dogs go after their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at the mall?
He heard boys underwear was half off.

What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
A Navy Wet Seal.

What was the horse looking for at the mall? A Macintosh.

What happens when a judge gets something to eat at the mall?
He places an "Order in the food court".

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they are all Targets!

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Why don't kittens like going to the mall?
They prefer a cat-alogue.

What did the rooster do to impress the hen? He wrote poultry for her.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local libraries weren’t too happy about it.

Some people claim that in the English language, the letter “y” can be used as a vowel; but that's a myth.

У каждой женщины должно быть маленькое черное платье. У меня тоже есть черное платье, которое мне маленькое.

What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
Blowjob is anonymous.

What’s the best thing about midgets??
They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

If 2 nuts on the wall are walnuts And 2 nuts on your chest are chestnuts What are two nuts on your chin?
A blowjob.

There's no business like Show Business. There's no job like a blow job.

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You don't know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: What do you call a Christmas blowjob?
A: Egg noggin.

Q: Whats comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence!

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Why did C++ refuse to go out with C?
Because C is classless.

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.
She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

The local police have asked me to come for an interview. I don't even remember applying for a job there.

- Роза, давайте останемся друзьями...
- Нет, Марк Израилевич, я уже разделась!

- Мадам Циперович, а может, мы с вами... Как-нибудь - по чашечке кофе!?
- Извините, Боря, но я вышла из того возраста, шобы "как-нибудь"!

I recieved a blank text from wife the other day.
When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
"Because I'm not talking to you."

Saw a van that was covered in dirt at Westlands shopping centre & someone had written
"I wish my wife was as dirty as this van."
So I wrote; "She is...when you are at work!"

У меня странный начальник. Однажды он заставил меня прыгать на скакалке... Просто так.
Катя, 4 размер.

- Эй, моряк, ты слишком долго плавал!
- Плавает говно, а моряки ходят.
- Эй, говно, ты слишком долго плавал!

Why didn't the Australian marsupial get the job?

He was over-koalified.

What did the rust say to the car? Sorry, it was an oxidant.

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut...

The sign said; "Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
it was grounds for divorce!

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" 😐

My parents wouldn't let me go to the mucus festival. I told them, "It is snot fair!"

What do most people look forward to but most mattresses fear?

Spring Break.

Чтобы сэкономить на бензине, Александр отвозил тёщу на дачу в субботу, а забирал в ноябре.

What is orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas? Fanta Claus.

what do you call a golfer drink?
tee tea.

The statistics professor treats her students like they are indeciles or out-and-outliers.

How does a woman know her man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!
Damn!! Which one?

Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day.
She slept with her best friend.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating.
Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Whats the similarities between bungy jumping and cheating?
First you dont dare and if the rubber breaks you are fucked.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend.

My French girlfriend cheated on me and then suddenly moved to Pakistan.
Lahore.

Husband: I have cheated once.
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June.

My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day.
So I nip out and fuck his wife.

So I caught my girl cheating again.
This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

Mr and Mrs Wong have a baby.
When the baby is born, Mr Wong immediately knows that Mrs Wong has cheated on him...
Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you
Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

A drunk husband walks in on his wife cheating on him with two other guys.
He stares at them then shouts “Wow, it takes two of you? I can fuck her all by myself”.

Sangfroid is not saying "carry on" when you catch your wife cheating.
Sangfroid is when the husband of the woman you're having sex with says, "Carry on," and so you do.

I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.
Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder.