Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Рабинович, провожая взглядом молодую девушку, бормочет:
— Господи, забрал силы… забери и мысли!

Q: Where does expired milk go?
A: The CREAMatorium.

When I had my first eye test, the optician selected a pair of lenses, slipped them in and asked, "how is that?". I replied, "not bad, but I was hoping for more a bit more stylish frames".

<Girl goes to eye doctor>
<Doctor comes in>
Doctor: I have your results here
Girl: Can I see them?
Doctor: Probably not...

Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

The Swordfish has no natural predators. Except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

How do you train to be a pirate?
You have to attend a semin-arrrgh.

I went to the library today to find a new book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat, that went on a road trip together. The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it is there or not?"

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on. My wife says it's weird.
I don't know why, it makes a great hat.

New ballerina is looking for a male to lead her and provide some guy-dance.

So, if you try to fail and succeed, which have you done ?

У шутки должно быть начало и неожиданный конец. Как у тайской бабы.

I'm such a romantic. Told my wife that her teeth are like the stars in the sky because they come out at night.

What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.

- Cariño, ¿qué tal estoy sin la barba?...
-¿QUIÉN ES USTED Y QUÉ HA HECHO CON MI MARIDO?

Кулик своё болото хвалит,
А отдыхать на море валит!

Сам загорай,
А за топлессом наблюдай!

"We just ate, why are you making pancakes?"
"They're for the dogs"
"Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?!"
"They don't know how to"

“My girl lives in a town named Ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous? Isn’t that silly?”
“No, it’s Ridiculous.”

What do you call a rabbit with lots of flees?......Bugs Bunny.

No man is an island. Unless it’s the Isle of Man.

My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.
I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain, this is due to all the... *indoor fins*.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”.

“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.”

“What was your first impression on him?”

“I told him, she calls me daddy too.”

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Girl: asshole...
Boy: I've been called worse before.
Girl: Ha, like what? Boy: you're boyfriend.

Girlfriend: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me.. Boyfriend: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"

Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girlfriend: What about Rest?
Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!

Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
Girlfriend: How funny?
Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.

My boyfriend is like my iPhone. I don't have one.

Q: How does a boyfriend show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer.

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a boyfriend watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Q: What does a boyfriend and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q: What do a good employee and a boyfriend have in common?
A: They're always coming early.

Q: How do boyfriends exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: How many ex-boyfriends does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Do you know how to tell if your boyfriend is geting fat?
He can wear your husbands clothes...

Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend?
A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked.

Q: Why are Boyfriends like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.

— Коллега, а вы специалист в какой области медицины?
— Я проктолог.
— А я гинеколог.
— Соседи, значит…

Just shot my first turkey.
Scared everyone in the frozen food
Section.

What do you call a blind seahorse?
A horse because it can't sea.

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there ?"

"Grandad"

"BLOODY Hell, stop the funeral !!!!"

Baroque:
When you're out of Monet.

Scientists studying the sun have a flare for research.

What cums after sex?
My wife.

This bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
I said, "It's on the way out."

Why does the Higgs boson go to church?
Because without it there can be no mass.

Im pretty sure my dick is a masochist.
It loves being beaten every day.

What do you call a masochist looking for a hookup?
Cruisin' for a bruisin'.

I've worked in a masochistic shop for years.
It's painfully boring.

What does a french masochist say after getting beaten up?
Merci.

A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.
The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

A masochist walks into a construction yard and a breeze block falls onto his head only to miraculously split into two. A nearby construction worker exclaims in amazement to the masochist that "You must be as hard as a rock". The masochist replied saying "You have no idea".

Never believe a masochist cannibal
They are so full of themselves.

It's not fun competing with masochists with foot fetishes.
They really like the taste of defeat.

Why are masochist gathering in French bakeries?
Because they're full of pains.

I bought some masochistic butter today.
It came whipped.

What's a masochist's favorite place to go have fun?
An Abusement Park.

What is a masochistics favorite vegetable?
The artichoke.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a masochist
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

What's a masochist's favorite drink?
Champain.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
So I don't.

A masochist, a sadist, and a redditor walk into a bar...
The masochist gets excited and walks into it again.
The sadist grins and sits back to watch.
The redditor groans in pain, wondering who put it there and writes a better joke in the comments.

Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.

Why did the first fishmonger go to hell?
Because he sold his sole to the devil.
Why did the second fishmonger go to hell?
Because he was a sadistic serial killer who raped and tortured his victims.

Masochist: Hit me!
Sadist: No!

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
He's a mad keeler!

What is a sadists favorite candy?
S&M&Ms.

What do you call something that gives plessure to sadists?
Sadistfying.

If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.

Some matches are made in phosphorous factories, others are made in heaven.