Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

- Софочка,ты девушка моей мечты: Весёлая, интеллигентная, красивая...
- Яша, ты что хочешь со мной переспать?
- И умная!

There are different opinions on how to react to a hostile dog.
I’m on the fence on this one.

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

But I think she's just a poser.

Refrigerators are cool.

Why do spoons gossip? Because they like to stir things up!

Are you from Ireland? cuz I can feel my penis Dublin!

Where you born on a farm?

Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

I lost some luggage on a flight,
I was told it ended up in Antarctica may never be found,
It's now a cold case!!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

P.
It's like R, but missing a leg.

The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails and now I have less cargo.

I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.

Why doesn’t Pakistan have any football teams?
Every corner they get the open a shop on it!

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day, tell you what, they saw me coming.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
Ones made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

Bought a new vacuum on Black Friday.
It sucks!

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins…I don’t think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

Never do bedroom shopping while drunk
It can lead to one nightstand.

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him “you’re not going to find what you’re looking for.”

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

Gap has announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China. Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here."

What does a ghost do when he's hungry?
Go ghost-ry shopping.

Where do dogs go after their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.

Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at the mall?
He heard boys underwear was half off.

What do you call a mall security guard with a military background?
A Navy Wet Seal.

What was the horse looking for at the mall? A Macintosh.

What happens when a judge gets something to eat at the mall?
He places an "Order in the food court".

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they are all Targets!

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Why don't kittens like going to the mall?
They prefer a cat-alogue.

What did the rooster do to impress the hen? He wrote poultry for her.

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local libraries weren’t too happy about it.

Some people claim that in the English language, the letter “y” can be used as a vowel; but that's a myth.

У каждой женщины должно быть маленькое черное платье. У меня тоже есть черное платье, которое мне маленькое.

What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
Blowjob is anonymous.

What’s the best thing about midgets??
They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

If 2 nuts on the wall are walnuts And 2 nuts on your chest are chestnuts What are two nuts on your chin?
A blowjob.

There's no business like Show Business. There's no job like a blow job.

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You don't know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: What do you call a Christmas blowjob?
A: Egg noggin.

Q: Whats comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence!

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Why did C++ refuse to go out with C?
Because C is classless.

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.
She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

The local police have asked me to come for an interview. I don't even remember applying for a job there.

- Роза, давайте останемся друзьями...
- Нет, Марк Израилевич, я уже разделась!

- Мадам Циперович, а может, мы с вами... Как-нибудь - по чашечке кофе!?
- Извините, Боря, но я вышла из того возраста, шобы "как-нибудь"!

I recieved a blank text from wife the other day.
When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
"Because I'm not talking to you."

Saw a van that was covered in dirt at Westlands shopping centre & someone had written
"I wish my wife was as dirty as this van."
So I wrote; "She is...when you are at work!"

У меня странный начальник. Однажды он заставил меня прыгать на скакалке... Просто так.
Катя, 4 размер.

- Эй, моряк, ты слишком долго плавал!
- Плавает говно, а моряки ходят.
- Эй, говно, ты слишком долго плавал!

Why didn't the Australian marsupial get the job?

He was over-koalified.

What did the rust say to the car? Sorry, it was an oxidant.

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut...

The sign said; "Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
it was grounds for divorce!

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" 😐

My parents wouldn't let me go to the mucus festival. I told them, "It is snot fair!"

What do most people look forward to but most mattresses fear?

Spring Break.

Чтобы сэкономить на бензине, Александр отвозил тёщу на дачу в субботу, а забирал в ноябре.

What is orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas? Fanta Claus.

what do you call a golfer drink?
tee tea.