Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There's no business like Show Business. There's no job like a blow job.

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You don't know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: What do you call a Christmas blowjob?
A: Egg noggin.

Q: Whats comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence!

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Why did C++ refuse to go out with C?
Because C is classless.

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.
She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

The local police have asked me to come for an interview. I don't even remember applying for a job there.

- Роза, давайте останемся друзьями...
- Нет, Марк Израилевич, я уже разделась!

- Мадам Циперович, а может, мы с вами... Как-нибудь - по чашечке кофе!?
- Извините, Боря, но я вышла из того возраста, шобы "как-нибудь"!

I recieved a blank text from wife the other day.
When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
"Because I'm not talking to you."

Saw a van that was covered in dirt at Westlands shopping centre & someone had written
"I wish my wife was as dirty as this van."
So I wrote; "She is...when you are at work!"

У меня странный начальник. Однажды он заставил меня прыгать на скакалке... Просто так.
Катя, 4 размер.

- Эй, моряк, ты слишком долго плавал!
- Плавает говно, а моряки ходят.
- Эй, говно, ты слишком долго плавал!

Why didn't the Australian marsupial get the job?

He was over-koalified.

What did the rust say to the car? Sorry, it was an oxidant.

Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut...

The sign said; "Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

You would be surprised but you can make some serious dough at a pizza shop.

The wife's coffee was so bad this morning,
it was grounds for divorce!

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" 😐

My parents wouldn't let me go to the mucus festival. I told them, "It is snot fair!"

What do most people look forward to but most mattresses fear?

Spring Break.

Чтобы сэкономить на бензине, Александр отвозил тёщу на дачу в субботу, а забирал в ноябре.

What is orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas? Fanta Claus.

what do you call a golfer drink?
tee tea.

The statistics professor treats her students like they are indeciles or out-and-outliers.

How does a woman know her man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!
Damn!! Which one?

Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day.
She slept with her best friend.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating.
Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Whats the similarities between bungy jumping and cheating?
First you dont dare and if the rubber breaks you are fucked.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend.

My French girlfriend cheated on me and then suddenly moved to Pakistan.
Lahore.

Husband: I have cheated once.
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June.

My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day.
So I nip out and fuck his wife.

So I caught my girl cheating again.
This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

Mr and Mrs Wong have a baby.
When the baby is born, Mr Wong immediately knows that Mrs Wong has cheated on him...
Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you
Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

A drunk husband walks in on his wife cheating on him with two other guys.
He stares at them then shouts “Wow, it takes two of you? I can fuck her all by myself”.

Sangfroid is not saying "carry on" when you catch your wife cheating.
Sangfroid is when the husband of the woman you're having sex with says, "Carry on," and so you do.

I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.
Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder.

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women.
But it was all just Hera-say.

What do you call Fidel Castro cheating on a partner?
In-Fidel Castro.

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time.
She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: I don’t get why you all ask the same question.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

I would never cheat in a relationship,
because that would require two people to find me attractive.

A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization.
That’s fucking intelligent.

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

My deaf girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend.
I should've seen the signs.

How did the girl know her glass boyfriend was cheating on her?
She could see right through him.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned
who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

What did Ed Sheeran’s wife do after her husband cheated on her?
Sheeran.

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her
So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.

When your partner tells you he/she cheated on you, I know there is a tendency to ask "with who?"
Resist it. Instead ask "with whom?". Speak good English, no matter the circumstances.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?
Modern historians call it balderdash.

I thought my friend was joking when he said he dressed up as the next nearest star to our planet.
But he’s Sirius.

Some friends left us a rubber plant when they moved away.
The rubber plant looked like it was going to die, so I put plant food in the soil, watered it with tender loving care, and put it in a serene corner of the house.
After a few weeks the rubber plant bounced right back.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious dog.
Upon getting back up onto the bridge, he checked my puppy out and said,
“Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine.”
Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked,
"Are you a vet?"
He replied,
"VET? I'M F’ING SOAKED!"

Where did the sheep from Boston end up after he robbed the farmer? Behind baaas!

What do you call a coffee on a train?
An expresso!

If the crew of Penelope Cruz and that of Tom Cruise go boating, would you say that Cruz and Cruise’s crews cruise together?

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

What has a straight back & sharp teeth?
A saw.