Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women.
But it was all just Hera-say.

What do you call Fidel Castro cheating on a partner?
In-Fidel Castro.

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time.
She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: I don’t get why you all ask the same question.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

I would never cheat in a relationship,
because that would require two people to find me attractive.

A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization.
That’s fucking intelligent.

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

My deaf girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend.
I should've seen the signs.

How did the girl know her glass boyfriend was cheating on her?
She could see right through him.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned
who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

What did Ed Sheeran’s wife do after her husband cheated on her?
Sheeran.

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her
So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.

When your partner tells you he/she cheated on you, I know there is a tendency to ask "with who?"
Resist it. Instead ask "with whom?". Speak good English, no matter the circumstances.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?
Modern historians call it balderdash.

I thought my friend was joking when he said he dressed up as the next nearest star to our planet.
But he’s Sirius.

Some friends left us a rubber plant when they moved away.
The rubber plant looked like it was going to die, so I put plant food in the soil, watered it with tender loving care, and put it in a serene corner of the house.
After a few weeks the rubber plant bounced right back.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious dog.
Upon getting back up onto the bridge, he checked my puppy out and said,
“Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine.”
Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked,
"Are you a vet?"
He replied,
"VET? I'M F’ING SOAKED!"

Where did the sheep from Boston end up after he robbed the farmer? Behind baaas!

What do you call a coffee on a train?
An expresso!

If the crew of Penelope Cruz and that of Tom Cruise go boating, would you say that Cruz and Cruise’s crews cruise together?

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

What has a straight back & sharp teeth?
A saw.

Why is it when people ask you "What three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?", no one ever replies, "A BOAT..."?

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn't understand directions".

I work at a pizza shop, its my only sauce of income.

I called my ‘phone supplier’s customer service department and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller."
The guy who answered said: "Not you again?'”

COINCIDENCE? It's amazing that the amount of news which happens in the world every day just exactly fits the daily newspaper!

Утро, завтрак. Мама, папа, сын. Сын:
— Мам, отгадай: О чем постоянно думает женщина? Слово из трех букв!
Мать шлеп сыну подзатыльник! Сын, плача:
— Это — "ДОМ"!
Муж разворачивается — шлеп жене подзатыльник:
— О доме, дура, нужно думать, о доме!

Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.

Why did the pilot feel insecure? His job was always up in the air.

Is there much difference in virtual reality and reality? Virtually none!

I only code 3 days a week: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow.
- All Programmers

Did you know Demi Moore used to have a sister called Not any?

Why doesn't James bond fart in bed??
Cuz it will blow his cover.

I asked my wife how good my listening skills were. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I have no idea why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

I’d make a swear jar but I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

What animal is best at math?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest!

Electrons don't really like protons because they're always negative.

The astronaut is getting married and he is over the moon through out the process.

I went to Kyoto for the 'World Anagram Championship'.....

Turns out it was in Tokyo

Надо уметь говорить "Нет". Например, вас спрашивают: "Хотите ли вы кусочек торта?", а вы отвечаете: "Нет, мне пожалуйста два кусочка".

I had to quit my job at the watch factory....
The bloke opposite me kept making faces.

I can easily bench press 350 pounds…just not all at once.

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it's only Thursday.

- Яша, никогда, слышишь, никогда не спрашивай даму за её возраст. Это моветон, Яша!
- А как быть?
- Ну, разве шо ненавязчиво поинтересуйся, какая музыка играла на её школьном выпускном...

Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book “100 Ways to Cure An Itch”. Ugh. Looks like I’ll have to start from scratch.

Fun fact: Before crowbars were invented, crows used to drink at home.

―Me gusta tu barba de tres días.
―Aww, gracias.
―De nada, Carolina.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

I'd like a choice when I have jaw surgery so I asked my doc, "What are my op chins?"

A friend of mine tried to explain to me why his camouflage sword was so good, but I just couldn't see his point.

What did one pickle say to the other when it was having a bad day?
Dill with it!

Why is eleven not an even number even though it ends with an even.
That's odd.

All shoes are technically buy one get one free.

One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

My wife left me, saying I was a compulsive liar
Atleast I think that's what she said... I was busy wrestling a tiger at the time.

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?
Small, medium and liar.

Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?
An outlier.

There are two types of men in this world
Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars.

My father, a massive liar, told me he'd been shot...
I said 'I can see right through you'.

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.
That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar
So I've grown a beard.

My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!
He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.
But they won’t believe me.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...
"How long?" the first one asks.
"Fifteen years. You?"
"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
"For nothing."
"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –
– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie ?
Only if he's standing up !

My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar.
Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?
A liar.

My Ass is a liar!
It is so full of shit!

There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......
The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

Ghosts are really terrible liars.
You can see right through them.

What does a liar do after he dies?
He lies still.

Why did cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland ?
Because she sat on Pinocchios face and said: lie bastatd lie )