Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When I was in school, I had a teacher named Mr. Morse. I didn't do well in his class because he always spoke in code...

I placed my order at the restaurant and the cashier said, "can I get a name?"
I replied. "Didn't you parents give you one?"

-Моня, что бы ты выбрал: шобы тебя поругали,но дали денег или похвалили,но денег не дали?
-Это зависит от того,есть ли у вас деньги или будете ругать в долг.

My mate was upset when i told him he has really soft hands, no hard feelings though.

- Фима, я шо-то не пойму! Почему девушки выходят замуж худенькие, килограммов под сорок, а после замужества становятся в 2-3 раза тяжелее?
- Сёма, всё дело в том, что худенькой легче проникнуть в дом, а толстую тяжелее оттуда вытолкать!

I know a dressmaker and she always seams stressed.

"Вопрос :как сношаются ёжики? Ответ: осторожно!"

Why has water been banned by Alcoholics Anonymous?
Because it’s always drunk!

У оптимиста женщины на пляже наполовину раздеты. Пессимисту безразлично.

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

Если собеседник во всём с тобой охотно соглашается, то скорей всего, он тебя не слушает. Или выбирает удобный момент, чтобы у тебя денег в долг попросить.

I found £20. I'm not going to spend it all but I will party like its £19.99.

What if UFO’s are just billionaires from other planets?

Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
My answer: “Depends on how long you been following me.”

Crazy how we never looked at this photograph until Nickleback told us to..

A human fart can be louder than a saxophone solo.
I found that out at my daughters school concert.

I farted in my wallet and now I have gas money.

Do you know the difference between fiction and reality? It's that fiction has to make sense...

JOB INTERVIEW ADVICE: At the interview, tell them you're willing to give 110%, unless the job is a statistician...

How do you know if a swimming pool is safe enough to dive in? Deepends.

WINE 🍷 it's the definite proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!!!

Bought my son a giant rechargable lightbulb for his birthday....
When he opened it you should have seen his little face light up .

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

I knew the psychic was phony the moment they took my check.

Еврейские мамы считают, что зародыш не может считаться жизнеспособным, пока он не окончил мединститут или юрфак.

Must admit my wifes cooking is incredible...
With a silent ‘cr’.

What do you call the soft tissue between a sharks teeth? The slowest swimmer!

A waiter just asked"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "I said no, but I'll wrestle you for them."

- Сколько бы ты хотела получать денег, Хая?
– Ну, хотя бы так, чтобы я могла без особых затруднений унижать всех окружающих своей щедростью!

What would Britney Spears say after, as usual, she let one rip? "Oops, I did it again."

What do you do to get a bubble bath after dinner? Just have beans for dinner.

How do you know a clown farted? It smells funny.

What happened to the man who only ate Skittles?
He farted rainbows.

If you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.

How does NASA pass gass?
They fart using their ass-teroids.

When is a fart joke acceptable?
When it doesn’t stink!

I used to cough in public to hide my farts, but now I fart in public to hide my coughs.

Why does everyone always think Piglet farted?
He plays with Pooh!

What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!

Why do farts smell?
So that deaf people can enjoy them too.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Fart and the world stops laughing.

Why is love like a fart?
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

What did the menstrual pad write on the “thank you” note to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

Why did the fart miss graduation?
It got expelled.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
She didn’t want the other chickens to notice that she farted.

A fart is like success.
It only bothers you when it’s not your own.

I didn’t fart in front of my partner until we got married.
Her family wasn’t too impressed.

I farted at work yesterday, and my coworker opened the window.
It must have been bad — we’re flight attendants.

What do you get when an aristocrat farts?
A noble gas.

I got fired from my job delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness.
Unfortunately, I let one rip.

Farts are like children.
You don’t mind your own, but you can’t stand other people’s.

Why did everyone notice when Bill Gates farted in the Apple store?
Because they didn’t have any Windows.

Why did the man stop telling fart jokes?
He was told that his jokes stink.

Why won’t the skeleton fart in public?
He doesn’t have the guts.

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop.
One fly farts and the other fly cries, “Hey! I’m trying to eat here!”

I didn’t fart…
My butt likes you so much it blew a kiss.

What do you call a ghost fart?
A spirit bomb.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A bunny fart!

Why do you have to watch out for ninjas’ farts?
They’re silent — but deadly.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn’t remember a lot.

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin..

I said.."What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

Jeff Bezos was in space for longer than the amount of time Amazon Warehouse employees are allowed to spend in the restroom.

Не сидите ночами в Фейсбуке. Пусть все думают, что у вас секс.

- Рабинович, а шо вы можете сказать за переходный возраст?
- Таки это когда вам столько лет, шо молодые вас уже не хотят, а старых вы ещё не хотите...

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

Friend: I'm trying to scare away a crow with a gun.
Me: How did a crow get a gun?

Яша Рабинович, делая вид, что читает газету, искоса посматривает на молоденьких девушек.
Сара, заметив это, произносит: "Ладно, нагуливай аппетит, ужинать дома будешь".

I’ve started a pioneering business.
I sell pie and earrings . . .

There are 2 rules to living a happy and successful life:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

- Софочка,ты девушка моей мечты: Весёлая, интеллигентная, красивая...
- Яша, ты что хочешь со мной переспать?
- И умная!

There are different opinions on how to react to a hostile dog.
I’m on the fence on this one.

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

But I think she's just a poser.

Refrigerators are cool.

Why do spoons gossip? Because they like to stir things up!

Are you from Ireland? cuz I can feel my penis Dublin!

Where you born on a farm?

Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

I lost some luggage on a flight,
I was told it ended up in Antarctica may never be found,
It's now a cold case!!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

P.
It's like R, but missing a leg.

The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails and now I have less cargo.