Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used my girlfriend's name as a variable in my code, she broke up with me.

Police have arrested the Worlds Tongue Twister Champion again . He`s expecting a tougher sentence this time.

Q: Why did the sadist set off a gas explosion?
A: He was pro-pain!

I gave my wife a fork and a calculator for her birthday, she said whats this, i said i know its not what you wanted but its the fork that counts.

I’m a writer. If I seem cold, it’s because I’m surrounded by drafts.

I used to date a time traveller, but I had to break up with her. I found out she was two-timing me.

What does a Stormtrooper say when he farts?
Pew pew pew.

This is John Crapper, my number 2 man!

Strange…. I haven’t seen any camouflage jokes yet…

What do you call a guy who brings my daughter home late on Prom night?
An ambulance.

My wife keeps telling me how immature I am "and if I don't grow up, it will erect a barrier between us".
Ha ha ha "erect".

Did you know John Legend started his own dairy farm?
It's Legend Dairy.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.

Not so famous final words...
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Are you sure the power is off?
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
7. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
8. I wonder where the mother bear is.
9. I've seen this done on TV.
10. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
11. What duck?
12. Let it down slowly.
13. I can do that with my eyes closed.
14. I can make this light before it changes.
15. Nice doggie.

What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth?
"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond."

I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

If u show her u care she will keep u as a spare.

Someone bloke just insulted my wife.
He called her an Old Cow.
How dairy.

Одна, Леди, пятьдесят раз упала в грязь по дороге домой.
— Леди! — ахнул дворецкий, открывая дверь.
— С головы до ног, — мрачно кивнула Леди.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

The word of the day is "drool".
It just rolls off the tongue.

I recently quit my job at a hotel for backpackers.
It was a hostel work environment.

One man almost asked a travel agent for a date. However, he had his reservations because she seemed reserved!

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs
The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Q: How do cadavers talk to each other?
A: BODY LANGUAGE!

I got a brief joke about underwear.

When a dad joke has been around a long time does it become a grandpa joke?

The music school printed registration forms on marble. They only want students who rock enroll.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 2 bucks and deer nuts are under a buck.

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?💉

You might wake the sleeping pills💊

I always take the road Les traveled.
Les was really smart. He was good at directions and he knew things.

Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

Doctor - "How do you feel?
Me - "Mostly with my hands."

No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.

BIRTH CONTROL WHEN YOU GET OLDER - Nowadays I'm so 'out of shape' that my birth control is just to leave the lights on...

What do you call a 12 inch turd?
A footstool.

I'm thinking of making my own pool cue...
Anyone got any tips?....

Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes and a case of the shingles.

I just rang the Incontinence Hotline.
The woman said, “Can you hold, please?”

Возраст определяется не годами, а количеством потерянных иллюзий...

My wife asked me if I took a nap.
I said, I have no idea. I was asleep!

Wood is so expensive. I went to the doctor with a splinter, he gave me $10 for it!

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

Technically Moses was the first man to download files from the Cloud...
....using a tablet.

Local janitors have gone out on strike. They are demanding sweeping reforms.

There’s a nudist convention in town next week,
I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

- Мой брат Моня может пробежать 100 метров за восемь секунд.
- Враки! Мировой рекорд в беге на стометровку — девять секунд.
- Ну так и шо?! Моня знает короткий путь!

Дрyзья порой говорят,что у меня зaeла пластинка,но я не винил их.

— Алло, это Стив Джобс?
— Да
— Винда.

- Боря, у нас первое свидание, а вы всё молчите и молчите.
- Вы знаете, Роза, я такой застенчивый. Вы бы мне уже дали, да я бы пошёл.

When I was in school, I had a teacher named Mr. Morse. I didn't do well in his class because he always spoke in code...

I placed my order at the restaurant and the cashier said, "can I get a name?"
I replied. "Didn't you parents give you one?"

-Моня, что бы ты выбрал: шобы тебя поругали,но дали денег или похвалили,но денег не дали?
-Это зависит от того,есть ли у вас деньги или будете ругать в долг.

My mate was upset when i told him he has really soft hands, no hard feelings though.

- Фима, я шо-то не пойму! Почему девушки выходят замуж худенькие, килограммов под сорок, а после замужества становятся в 2-3 раза тяжелее?
- Сёма, всё дело в том, что худенькой легче проникнуть в дом, а толстую тяжелее оттуда вытолкать!

I know a dressmaker and she always seams stressed.

"Вопрос :как сношаются ёжики? Ответ: осторожно!"

Why has water been banned by Alcoholics Anonymous?
Because it’s always drunk!

У оптимиста женщины на пляже наполовину раздеты. Пессимисту безразлично.

I wrote a screen play about love in the time of Kotex.
It was a period piece.
No one would produce it. Bloody fools!

Если собеседник во всём с тобой охотно соглашается, то скорей всего, он тебя не слушает. Или выбирает удобный момент, чтобы у тебя денег в долг попросить.

I found £20. I'm not going to spend it all but I will party like its £19.99.

What if UFO’s are just billionaires from other planets?

Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
My answer: “Depends on how long you been following me.”

Crazy how we never looked at this photograph until Nickleback told us to..

A human fart can be louder than a saxophone solo.
I found that out at my daughters school concert.

I farted in my wallet and now I have gas money.

Do you know the difference between fiction and reality? It's that fiction has to make sense...

JOB INTERVIEW ADVICE: At the interview, tell them you're willing to give 110%, unless the job is a statistician...

How do you know if a swimming pool is safe enough to dive in? Deepends.

WINE 🍷 it's the definite proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!!!

Bought my son a giant rechargable lightbulb for his birthday....
When he opened it you should have seen his little face light up .

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

I knew the psychic was phony the moment they took my check.

Еврейские мамы считают, что зародыш не может считаться жизнеспособным, пока он не окончил мединститут или юрфак.

Must admit my wifes cooking is incredible...
With a silent ‘cr’.

What do you call the soft tissue between a sharks teeth? The slowest swimmer!

A waiter just asked"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "I said no, but I'll wrestle you for them."

- Сколько бы ты хотела получать денег, Хая?
– Ну, хотя бы так, чтобы я могла без особых затруднений унижать всех окружающих своей щедростью!