Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

—¿Cuántas vidas tiene un gato?
—Siete.
—Pues al tuyo le quedan seis.

A US submarine has a hole in it but not to worry they have Navy Seals for that.

Проходя ранней весной мимо дерева во дворе, полицейский по привычке отбил у него почки.

- Мазок мазку рознь - это я вам как уролог художнику говорю.

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

My friend msgd:
What does 'idk' mean?
I said: I don't know.
He said: oh ok nvm.
I said: what does nvm mean?
He said: nevermind.
I said: oh ok

Su opinión es muy valiosa, no me la dé.

Душевнобольные умело маскируются под духовнобогатых.

— Марк Соломонович, и почему вас женщины любят?
— Потому шо я умный.
— А почему вы не женитесь?
— Софья Моисеевна, вы шо — глухая?..

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was having a tea. Think he was on a brake.

There once was a man and his family way out on a rural road. Suddenly the unthinkable! A flat tire. He opened the trunk and retrieved the spare but upon further investigation no tools to change the tire. They sat in the heat for hours. Finally this tall well built farm hand stopped to lend a hand. The man explained the situation and the farm hand said no problem. Without hesitation he grabbed the rear of the car and lifted it so the tire could be changed, then gently set it back down. The man filled with gratitude gave him $20 dollars and thanked him. Before they parted ways the man said...by the way I didn't catch your name. The farm hand replied...... Jack is my name.

He’s a hippie. He’s a polygamist. How does he count his wives? One Misses Hippie. Two Misses Hippie……

Me to wife:
So, according to the Bible, who in the relationship should make coffee?
Wife: No idea since I don't drink the stuff.
Me: Well there's a whole book devoted to this. He Brews.
Wife: Oh no you didn't.

Успокоительные капли –
меня в них бесит вкус и цвет.

My mate tried to show off his fortune telling skills.
He wasn't that good.
Actually he was medium.

if it rains on a Sunday ,is it still a Sunday?

Сперматозоидам мешают выбиться в люди всякие гондоны.

What mammal serves in the military? An Armydillo.

SCIENCE:

If you don't make mistakes, you're doing it wrong.

If you don't correct those mistakes, you're doing it really wrong.

If you can't accept that you're mistaken, you're not doing it at all.

My favorite health drink is a
Neil Diamond smoothie.
It has 3 ingredients, swede, carrots, lime.

MY TO-DO LIST > I've just finished writing my to-do list for tomorrow, and it's huge! Now I just need to figure out who's going to do it...

What do you call a broken escalator ?
Stairs

Confucius says:
He who stands on toilet is high on pot.

You know that you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the cash register keeps putting it back.

My son wouldn’t stop climbing over the back of the boat so I gave him a stern warning.

I’ve had constipation for two days now- good job I don’t give a shit!

Couldn't get any sleep while camping in the forest because of the tree rings.

What goes oom oom oom?
A cow walking backwards!

Some stranger somewhere remembers you because you were weird to them.

What happens when you drop a red stone into the Black Sea?
It gets wet.

—La vida sería más bella si hiciéramos el amor y no la guerra.
—Contigo, no. Feo.

Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.

Random pick up lines : I usually call APIs but if you give me your number, I might call you.

what do you use to fix a pig?

a ham mer.

*Kid in a wheelchair makes a joke*

Me: 'You should become a stand-up comedian'

Me: Alexa, remind to go to the gym please?
Alexa: I've added gin to your shopping list.
Me: Close enough.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
They were married in the spring!

Новозеландская тяжелоатлетка Лорел Хаббард уронила штангу себе на член.

A meeting is an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Confucius say, "He who goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."

Why was the bucket embarrassed at the beach? Because of how pail it was.

Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

What do you call an ant that fights crime? A vigilanty.

How does a daddy flower greet his baby?
Hey Bud!

—Me he dejado llevar por mi intuición.
—¿Y dónde estás?
—Muy lejos de ti.

Женщина была заводной, но испорченной и без гарантии.

I slept under my car last night because I needed to get up oily this morning.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the president, 'Where's the Shah?'
'What do you mean?', replies the president. 'There is no shah. We got rid of the shah years ago.'
'Alright then', says Prince Charles, 'in that case I'll have a bath”

When traveling between Russia and Alaska, you first must get your Bering Strait.

“That man is rich whose pleasures are the cheapest.”
—Henry David Thoreau

—Hace tiempo que no sé nada de ti.
—Y así está bien.

Для чужих, моя душа - потёмки, а для своих - приятный полумрак.

Why can you drink a drink but you can’t food a food?

Why are programmers confused by Christmas and Halloween?
Because DEC(25) = OCT(31).

I'm pleased to announce that I've just finished a marathon.
Or snickers as they are called today.

I used my girlfriend's name as a variable in my code, she broke up with me.

Police have arrested the Worlds Tongue Twister Champion again . He`s expecting a tougher sentence this time.

Q: Why did the sadist set off a gas explosion?
A: He was pro-pain!

I gave my wife a fork and a calculator for her birthday, she said whats this, i said i know its not what you wanted but its the fork that counts.

I’m a writer. If I seem cold, it’s because I’m surrounded by drafts.

I used to date a time traveller, but I had to break up with her. I found out she was two-timing me.

What does a Stormtrooper say when he farts?
Pew pew pew.

This is John Crapper, my number 2 man!

Strange…. I haven’t seen any camouflage jokes yet…

What do you call a guy who brings my daughter home late on Prom night?
An ambulance.

My wife keeps telling me how immature I am "and if I don't grow up, it will erect a barrier between us".
Ha ha ha "erect".

Did you know John Legend started his own dairy farm?
It's Legend Dairy.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.

Not so famous final words...
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Are you sure the power is off?
5. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
6. Pull the pin and count to what?
7. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
8. I wonder where the mother bear is.
9. I've seen this done on TV.
10. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
11. What duck?
12. Let it down slowly.
13. I can do that with my eyes closed.
14. I can make this light before it changes.
15. Nice doggie.

What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth?
"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond."

I just spilled Vanish washing powder over my AA road map of South England.

Doesn’t seem to have done much damage although i think it’s removed Staines….

If u show her u care she will keep u as a spare.

Someone bloke just insulted my wife.
He called her an Old Cow.
How dairy.

Одна, Леди, пятьдесят раз упала в грязь по дороге домой.
— Леди! — ахнул дворецкий, открывая дверь.
— С головы до ног, — мрачно кивнула Леди.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

The word of the day is "drool".
It just rolls off the tongue.

I recently quit my job at a hotel for backpackers.
It was a hostel work environment.

One man almost asked a travel agent for a date. However, he had his reservations because she seemed reserved!