Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

NEWS FLASH: Dire Straits are reforming with a new lead singer, Chris Rhea. They've renamed the band Dire Rhea.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Missing semicolon
On line 32.

Local dive shop has been closed for a few weeks now. I'm worried they've gone under.

Why aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?

Because freedom rings.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?
Bravefart.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Having trouble with fractions? Our helpline is open 24/7.

Всех трупиков паталогоанатом Олег называл котиками. Потому что у них носики холодные.

—Dr, a veces pienso que hablo sólo.

—

I smoke weed to get high and for my depression.
I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I was once friends with a taxidermist but I had to break it off. He kept trying to mount and stuff me.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Scottish Joke
Two cows in the field which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf ….

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

Barbers. I take my hat off to them.

I have a new friend, Perry Noyd.
He is afraid of everything.

Did i already do my deja vu joke ?

Never trust a caricature. They’re so sketchy!

I'm one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

Where did Nikolai Romanov get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.

A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this year's Christmas palindrome award.

Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...
Will get a reward.

I found out today that Beyonce's husband, Jay Z, has a couple of cousins that work where I do. One is Lay Z, the other is Cray Z.

I surveyed a bunch of horses on whether they like to walk, trot, or run. It was a gallop poll.

I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

Told my family that I am in a relation with a married woman. Kids are ok with it, wife is ok with it and everyone is happy.

The pub got robbed today. Later the bar tender said “an armed robber walked into the bar, and I thought it was only a joke”.

I went to a kangaroo bar the other day,
The place was bouncing.

I would tell a joke about dirt, but it is beneath us.

Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you!

You know every phone number. You just don't know which number belongs to whom.

Appearing in court today was a thief who stole a lorry load of elastic bands. The judge sent him down for a long stretch.

I have a friend who collects clocks. She says it's a great hobby, if you have the time

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.
He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

My wife wanted to brighten up the garden.

So I planted some bulbs.

I need to buy a new calculator. Not sure what brand is best, I’ve checked out quite a few online and they all seem to have pluses & minuses.

I wonder if the earth makes fun of the moon for having no life?

Why are fish so thin?
Because they eat fish.

I have a fear of roses. It's a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic.

— Как вам новые свечи-снотворное?
— Замечательно, доктор, даже палец вытащить не успеваю.

I start my new job at a knife factory tomorrow! Have to be there 8am sharp ....

Just been for an interview for a job in the local fishmongers, didn’t get it - I’m gutted.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?……….to keep their nuts dry!….

I applied for a job at a fish farm, but they gave it to salmon else.

I went to an exhibition to see the world’s biggest fan.
I was totally blown away.

Вы не задумывались что компьютер спрашивает не робот ли вы потому что он ищет друга?

Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke...
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

“I had to stop being a tap dancer. I kept falling into the sink.”

Почти всё в наших руках. Кроме рук.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Broken Pencil.
Broken Pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless.

People say 'go big or go home' like going home is a bad thing. Hell yeah I wanna go home and take a long nap when I get there.

I dont like my job at the Indian restaraunt, i can't curry on like this anymore.

В банк вошёл грабитель с водным пистолетом и замочил всех внутри.

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead.

People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.

Got a book from the library on Stockholm Syndrome. Didn't like it at first, but by the end I thought it was great.

To whoever stole my doormat, you’re no longer welcome here.

Anyone can pick a pickle
but only an Englishman can Pick-a-dilly.

- Мама, у нас в садике есть девочка, она мне нравится. Когда был тихий час, я хотел её поцеловать, но она лежала далеко, поэтому я в неё плюнул.

... I was upset with my wall climbing abilities, I just couldn't seem to get a grip.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that's right

Чем отличается автор от соавтора? Тем же, чем пение отличается от сопения.

— Ты почему меня во время секса назвал чужим именем?
— Так темно же было.

I am constantly reading about valuable antiques being put under the hammer, surely its better to sell them.

Woke up this morning to find the hamster cage badly smashed up against the wall.
The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel !

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

Just received a parcel from Holland this morning !
I opened it and there was a rubber Fanny inside !!
I Thought ' That's nice , Two lips from Amsterdam !!'

Antes los hombres se dejaban la barba como sus papás, ahora se depilan las cejas como sus mamás.

My favourite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.
He was absolutely brilliant.. he really tortoise well.

Велотренажер научил меня простой истине - нельзя сворачивать с намеченного пути.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

I was a very advanced baby you know, I was walking at three months.

I had no choice the bottom fell out my fucking pram!

My grandad used to enjoy sex at 97.

He lived at 93, so it wasn't too far for him to walk home.!!

What is so special about a person who wouldn't harm a fly?
Show me a person who wouldn't harm a mosquito.
Then we'll talk.

What do you call a Jamaican Psychologist? It's a Pokémon.