Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

They say a jar of Nutella has 2164 calories. I don't care though I never eat the jar.

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

What did the nuclear physicist call his grandmother when he was real young?
"Gamma."

I couldn’t get a reservation at the local library.
Know why?
…wait for it…
They were fully booked!

How do snails fight?
They slug it out!

Things I use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%.

Never start a fight with a paleontologist.
You will get Jurasskicked.

Not going to lie....My bed is broken.

Got a new job writing instruction booklets. It's mainly manual labour.

"Slow and steady wins the race."
Unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed.

Как много игр на раздеванье, вот ипотека например.

Did you hear about the fight last night at the fish and chip shop?
The fish got battered.

Somebody asked me when I first noticed I was going bald, and I’m not really sure, off the top of my head…

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

Never employ someone who's obsessed with graphs. They'll always be plotting behind your back.

Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Why can't you tickle a sailor? Because they're nautical-ish.

I think most inventors are pretty boring.
But Thomas Edison really lit up a room.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Them: How are you?
Me: Deep and full of water.
Them: ..Huh?
Me: I am well!

"I hear Kylie Minogue wants to sing one of her songs in an alien language"
"Like a Martian?"
"No, I should be so lucky"

Just my personal preference but Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soaps…

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our life as fate.
- Carl Jung

Cost me a fortune yesterday... facebook was down and I had to ring 42 friends to tell them what I had for breakfast...

— Папа, почему все дети едят сладкую вату, а я обычную?

if cats could text you they wouldn't.

Me: “I can’t come in to work. I have a wee cough.”
Boss: “You have a wee cough!?”
Me: “Thanks! See you next week!”

I want my children to have everything I couldn’t afford at their age, and then I want to move in with them!

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.

— От винта, пидорасы! — кричал Карлсон, отгоняя пидорасов от винта.

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

Establish dominance in the men’s room by striking a Superman pose at the urinal.

My tax advisor borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground ?
Their dogs lead goes slack.

I ordered a vault and a speaker online.
They arrived at my home address safe and sound.

Люди держатся за свои сказки до тех пор, пока они не становятся фильмами ужасов.

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

My wife asked me when I was going to stop quoting Stereophonics lyrics...
I said "Maybe tomorrow..."

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them.

A friend of mine’s dog died. So, I got her another one. She wasn’t impressed. In fact she said, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” Sometimes, you try and you try, but it’s just not appreciated.

Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression... The 5 stages of waking up.

Apparently I was a bell in my former life.
So I've been tolled.

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

На школьной олимпиаде команда алхимиков получила золото.

Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation? Because he’s an X-Boxer.

What kind of boat do talkative people sail? A chatamaran.

Why you shouldn't believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

—Doctor, tengo el pene muy grande.
—A ver... ¡AY CABRÓN!
—¿Ya ve?
—¿Le duele?
—No.
—¿Le molesta?
—No.
—¿Y a qué vino?
—Nomás a presumir.

When I lived on a farm, my wireless network was called 'Get Off My LAN'.

NEWS FLASH: Dire Straits are reforming with a new lead singer, Chris Rhea. They've renamed the band Dire Rhea.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Missing semicolon
On line 32.

Local dive shop has been closed for a few weeks now. I'm worried they've gone under.

Why aren’t there any Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?

Because freedom rings.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

What kind of newspaper do cows read

The moo York times.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?
Bravefart.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Having trouble with fractions? Our helpline is open 24/7.

Всех трупиков паталогоанатом Олег называл котиками. Потому что у них носики холодные.

—Dr, a veces pienso que hablo sólo.

—

I smoke weed to get high and for my depression.
I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I was once friends with a taxidermist but I had to break it off. He kept trying to mount and stuff me.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Scottish Joke
Two cows in the field which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf ….

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

Barbers. I take my hat off to them.

I have a new friend, Perry Noyd.
He is afraid of everything.

Did i already do my deja vu joke ?

Never trust a caricature. They’re so sketchy!

I'm one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

Where did Nikolai Romanov get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.

A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this year's Christmas palindrome award.

Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...
Will get a reward.

I found out today that Beyonce's husband, Jay Z, has a couple of cousins that work where I do. One is Lay Z, the other is Cray Z.

I surveyed a bunch of horses on whether they like to walk, trot, or run. It was a gallop poll.

I always take time to reflect in front of a mirror.

Told my family that I am in a relation with a married woman. Kids are ok with it, wife is ok with it and everyone is happy.

The pub got robbed today. Later the bar tender said “an armed robber walked into the bar, and I thought it was only a joke”.