Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I went to a kangaroo bar the other day,
The place was bouncing.

I would tell a joke about dirt, but it is beneath us.

Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you!

You know every phone number. You just don't know which number belongs to whom.

Appearing in court today was a thief who stole a lorry load of elastic bands. The judge sent him down for a long stretch.

I have a friend who collects clocks. She says it's a great hobby, if you have the time

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.
He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

My wife wanted to brighten up the garden.

So I planted some bulbs.

I need to buy a new calculator. Not sure what brand is best, I’ve checked out quite a few online and they all seem to have pluses & minuses.

I wonder if the earth makes fun of the moon for having no life?

Why are fish so thin?
Because they eat fish.

I have a fear of roses. It's a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic.

— Как вам новые свечи-снотворное?
— Замечательно, доктор, даже палец вытащить не успеваю.

I start my new job at a knife factory tomorrow! Have to be there 8am sharp ....

Just been for an interview for a job in the local fishmongers, didn’t get it - I’m gutted.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?……….to keep their nuts dry!….

I applied for a job at a fish farm, but they gave it to salmon else.

I went to an exhibition to see the world’s biggest fan.
I was totally blown away.

Вы не задумывались что компьютер спрашивает не робот ли вы потому что он ищет друга?

Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke...
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

“I had to stop being a tap dancer. I kept falling into the sink.”

Почти всё в наших руках. Кроме рук.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Broken Pencil.
Broken Pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless.

People say 'go big or go home' like going home is a bad thing. Hell yeah I wanna go home and take a long nap when I get there.

I dont like my job at the Indian restaraunt, i can't curry on like this anymore.

В банк вошёл грабитель с водным пистолетом и замочил всех внутри.

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead.

People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.

Got a book from the library on Stockholm Syndrome. Didn't like it at first, but by the end I thought it was great.

To whoever stole my doormat, you’re no longer welcome here.

Anyone can pick a pickle
but only an Englishman can Pick-a-dilly.

- Мама, у нас в садике есть девочка, она мне нравится. Когда был тихий час, я хотел её поцеловать, но она лежала далеко, поэтому я в неё плюнул.

... I was upset with my wall climbing abilities, I just couldn't seem to get a grip.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that's right

Чем отличается автор от соавтора? Тем же, чем пение отличается от сопения.

— Ты почему меня во время секса назвал чужим именем?
— Так темно же было.

I am constantly reading about valuable antiques being put under the hammer, surely its better to sell them.

Woke up this morning to find the hamster cage badly smashed up against the wall.
The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel !

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

Just received a parcel from Holland this morning !
I opened it and there was a rubber Fanny inside !!
I Thought ' That's nice , Two lips from Amsterdam !!'

Antes los hombres se dejaban la barba como sus papás, ahora se depilan las cejas como sus mamás.

My favourite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.
He was absolutely brilliant.. he really tortoise well.

Велотренажер научил меня простой истине - нельзя сворачивать с намеченного пути.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

I was a very advanced baby you know, I was walking at three months.

I had no choice the bottom fell out my fucking pram!

My grandad used to enjoy sex at 97.

He lived at 93, so it wasn't too far for him to walk home.!!

What is so special about a person who wouldn't harm a fly?
Show me a person who wouldn't harm a mosquito.
Then we'll talk.

What do you call a Jamaican Psychologist? It's a Pokémon.

The sexual position formerly known as 69, is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up...

Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.

Life is the art of dying.

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag.
She said,
"Have you got a light cock?"
I replied,
"Well it floats in the bath".

My editor worked really hard on my book about Podiatry, especially the foot notes.

Один чел решил вылечиться от зоофилии, но все его усилия ушли коту под хвост.

10 Things not to do on an Electric fence: #1 will shock you

“Happiness sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.”
John Barrymore

Most people probably apologize unnecessarily more often than they apologize when it is necessary.

The country with the most crows?
Crowatia

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
I'm homeless now.

boss: you’re fired

me: just because I ended that story with “and they all lived happily ever after”?!

boss: like I told you before, they’re not stories, they’re wills

Время сейчас такое, что я прекрасно понимаю вагончик, который тронулся...

I'm super lazy today.

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

What did the calendar say on its death bed?

My days are numbered.

Dear Tongue,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, Elbow.

Звонок в дверь:
- Сосед, в групповом сексе участвовать будете?
- А кто еще намечается?
- Я, вы и ваша жена.
- Ну нет, так я не хочу.
- Ладно, тогда вас вычеркиваем...

If you throw a chair does it become a throne ?

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

Did you know Bruce Lee had a brother that was faster than him?
Sudden Lee.

I was telling my mate that my new dog only responds to commands in a foreign language.
” He said, “Español?” I replied, “No, he’s a poodle.”

It takes patience to listen.
It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

I alcoholic uncle never became a lawyer because he could never pass the bar.

The detective agency didn't know whether to trust their informant, named Miss Information.

I wanted to make a joke about saddles, but that might be a really tacky way to stirrup trouble.

Where do typists go for cocktails?
The Space Bar.

An onion just told me a joke.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I wonder if lawyers for Hershey's have to take a bar exam?

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair...