Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.

If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.

Your face makes onions cry.

Learn from your parent’s mistake… Use birth control.

Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.

You’ve got less meat in your pants than there is in a vegetarian restaurant.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Theorem: A cat has nine tails.

Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one more tail than no cat. Therefore a cat has nine tails.

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes!

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Сижу на курсах по борьбе с нарциссизмом. Я тут самый красивый!

What is System32 and where can I find the other 31 Systems?

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off forever."
- P. J Plauger

Suicide is never the answer, your pets will miss you.

"What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months."
- Fred Brooks

“I'm going to sleep now” - Translation: I'm going to lie in the dark and think about all the awkward things I've ever done.

We all laugh in the same language.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others.

I trust the government to lie about everything.

If A is success in life, then

𝐀 = 𝐱 + 𝐲 + 𝐳.

Work is x, play is y and z is keeping your mouth shut.

— A. Einstein (1879-1955)

Don't take ecological advice from someone who travels by private jet.

My new girlfriend, Emma, is a chiropractor.
I call her Bony Em.

The loudest word ever shouted is the word "quiet".

Pretending to not understand sarcasm is the greatest form of sarcasm.

"The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else."
– Melinda Varian

Woman: Oh, are they twins?
Me: No, they're triplets, we leave the ugly one at home...

How many boolean developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

Never judge a developer by things they say while debugging.

Those photos of smiling students on the websites of engineering colleges is the biggest scam.

"Clean code always looks like it was written by someone who cares."
– Michael Feathers

Dare to resist or cease to exist.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

–Cariño, ¿crees que hemos caído en la rutina? –preguntó como cada mañana.

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration."
- Nikola Tesla

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It's not what it looks like!

Light at the end or not, some days you're just sick of being in the tunnel.

My friend complained to me he only has 5 testicles but I think that's a lot of bollocks.

Your family member will not consider you an engineer unless you repair any of the home appliances.

Oпыт – этo не приoбретение мудрoсти, а пoтеря иллюзий.

I wonder if Bell ever envisioned looking a pictures of kittens over his device?

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up early to exercise. Well, at least I was right about that.

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

What goes across comes across.
- Flat Earther

Got stopped by the police.
"Name?"
Me, "The Wizard of Oz."
Police, tapping foot. " Full name."
Me, "The Wizard of Ounces."

I don't workout to stay fit. I don't workout to be healthy. I don't workout to look good. OK, ok, I don't workout.

I'm hesitant to enter a sack race. I just don't know if my balls are fast enough.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Everybody who says they want to go to space is already in space because the earth is in space.

I always name my vehicles, and have just bought the car from Back to the Future.

Shall I call it Del or Ian?

- Алло, МЧС? Помогите, меня похитили инопланетяне!
- Вы, что, пьяны?
- Да, так совпало.

If God created man in his own image
Why aren't we all invisible, undetectable and unreachable like him?

Those who seek the truth about the world will realize that its reins are held by an unelected elite, one that is hidden from the public eye.

"Security is tight around here..."

"Why are they from Yorkshire?"

My body isn’t a temple but one side of my forehead is.

They create your problems. They observe your reactions. Then they offer you their solutions.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

Disappointment is when you run into a wall with an erection,and break your nose!

I am so old I remember when global warming was called summer!

If you ever see me talking to myself, mind ya business...

I'm having a staff meeting.

I prefer my sex in three acts.
It's a tragedy.

Saw a porn film last night. A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer...

It was called, "Jack Off All Trades!"

What can a whole orange do a half one cannot?

Look round.

To the teachers that told me I'd never amount to much in life.
Lucky guess.

Remember before OnlyFans your mom just sold Avon.

Если муж делает вас счастливой, то какая разница, чей это муж?

A computer will never replace a human.
-Cannibal proverb

Stop the world, I want to get off.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become vegan, but I'm on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

My dick has lead me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun.

Well, I was going to tell a joke about sewing machines but I ran out of material.

Tried to book tickets for Oppenheimer but it's fully booked all week.

They must be making a bomb.

I was on a train and this hot Thai chick sits next to me. I kept thinking to myself,
"Please don't get a boner, please!"

But she did!

The best monetary policy is no monetary policy.

Individuals should have FULL authority to hold and exchange any form of money.

Politically connected bankers should have NO authority to destroy your wealth through inflationary schemes.

Women never apologize. They just sleep naked and let you decide if you’re still mad or not.

I Wonder If The Mexicans Ever Say “ Let’s Go To The white people Restaurant “

Why aren’t hamburgers made out of ham?

Broke a mirror to insure I'll have seven more years.