Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My young niece has started dressing like a crescent moon all the time, but we think it’s just a phase.

Writing fairy tales can be a Grimm business!

I asked my Spanish friend to include me in his email, he said C C.

Somebody told me I'm terrible with names.

I have an IKEA joke but I’m still putting it together.

Did you know, there are millions of electrical impulses inside your brain?
Makes you think, doesn't it.

If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

Q: What’s a ballerina’s favorite type of bread?
A: A bun.

— Больной, вам прописаны свечи. Приготовьте, пожалуйста, ваш канделябр!

My Grandad fought with Churchill...
no not Winston....
The insurance company !

Two duck friends went out to eat. At the end of their meal, they got into a quarrel over their bills.

Tomorrow is the day that I finally start procrastinating.

Someone I know jumped off a bridge in Cairo. He was in denial...

- Знаешь, Изя, шо таки я понял с годами: люди делятся на две категории.
Это те, кто хвалит меня, и те, кто совершенно не разбирается в людях.

If love is blind, how can it be at first sight ?

What’s the difference between an electrician and god?……
God doesn’t think he’s an electrician.

Scientists have weighed rainbows and discovered they're pretty light.

What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.

'Nothing is necessary for a young man as much as the company of an intelligent woman.'
— Leo Tolstoy

Last night my can opener broke.
Now I have a can't opener.

Lions can't swallow their pride. That'd be cannibalism.

Did you know that the best way to call an amoeba is on a cell phone.

Dad yelling: Has anyone seen my hammerfor
Me: What the heck’s a hammerfor?
Dad: Knocking in nails!

« We build too many walls and not enough bridges. »

Isaac Newton

Бывших любовников не бывает. Бывшими бывают только мужья. А с любовниками - как с алкоголизмом: то запой, то воздержание.

Лучше плохо жить хорошо, чем хорошо жить плохо.

Если бы на отношениях писали срок годности, не было бы стольких отравившихся любовью.
Фаина Раневская

What is a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP? I guess it means that both don't laugh...

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.
I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

It’s a fact that most people won’t make an appointment to see the dentist until after 2:30.

There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

Behind every great man is a woman, and behind her his wife trying to find out where he was the whole afternoon!

Why does the clown always have a stiff neck?
Because he sleeps funny.

Q: What should you wear to a tea party?
A: A t-shirt.

Врач после осмотра пациента:
– М-да… Когда я последний раз наблюдал такой случай, пришлось уничтожить все стадо!...

therapist: start from the beginning

george lucas: no

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I’ve just had my lip removed….. call me Phil.

I love sleeping so much that it is the first thing I think about when I wake up.

My cousin is a transvestite. Before he goes out for a night on the town, he puts on a dress and makeup. Yes, he likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A. By becoming a ventriloquist!

We never really grow up, we just learn to act in public.

What does DNA stand for?
-National Dyslexic Association

You are living, you occupy space, you have mass. You matter.

Biology, the only science where division and multiplication mean the same thing.

Luke, use the mass times acceleration.

Do you have 11 protons? Because you're sodium fine.

What did the scientists think when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it...😁

Why was Piglet constipated?

He was scared of Pooh.

It hurts me to say this, but...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I have a sore throat.

What does a pear tree do before growing its fruit?..
It prepares..

- Доктор, у меня такое чувство, словно меня никто всерьёз не принимает.
- Да вы шутите!

I bought my canoe at 50% off. It was a sale boat.

Could you see yourself working in a mirror shop?

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I bought an inflatable air mattress, and let me tell ya, it's breath taking.

It's 2021 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked what his favorite version of Windows was he replied,
"I still love Vista baby".

You know what's really odd?
Numbers not divisible by two.

I’ve got a dog called Curiosity...
I no longer have a cat.

chameleon: put me on a piece of glass

me: i’m confused

chameleon: let me be clear

What does food taste like in Cannibal Restaurants?

It varies from person to person.

Why was Indiana Jones depressed? His career was in ruins.

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary . However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequilya .

Most problems can be solved with nudity.

It's a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors.

What would happen if Peter Pan fell in a bottomless pit?

He'd Neverland..

I’ve been using a Ukrainian dating site. Now I have a chick in Kiev.

I think I've become masochistic, although it pains me to admit it.

Сегодня Изя таки продал своего почтового голубя. Не дорого, но зато в пятнадцатый раз.

What's the best part of a waffle?
The w.
Without it it's just awful.

Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.

Every time I take up a sport, or exercise I meet new people ... usually they're paramedics...but they're new people.

I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.

Q: Why did the Genie get mad?
A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.

Современная больница — это место, где назойливые пациенты мешают врачам работать с документацией.

I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone’s ok with that ?

Если у богатых отобрать всё и поделить на всех, то бедных станет больше...

- Учёные установили, что веганы живут на 15% дольше.
- Чем остальные?
- Чем предполагалось.