Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Have you ever heard the story about the woodpecker? The story is full of holes!

WHAT'S REALLY FUNNY? Actually, EVERYTHING is funny! But as long as it’s happening to somebody else!

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

Why do they start the evening news with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't?

Does anyone know what date the 4th of July is on this year ?

Para disfrutar del arcoiris primero hay que sufrir la lluvia.

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Old McDonald had napalm EIEI ...oh

I got thrown out of my local Mime Club.
I think it was something I said.

Do bees even have knees?

La derrota no tiene color, pero deja marca.

Atom 1: I just lost an electron.
Atom 2:how u feel?
Atom 1: positive

- Опишите себя в трех словах.
- Ленивый.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

What runs around the yard without moving? A fence.

I just burnt my tongue on my food.
It made me realize that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought wow this is ledge‘n dairy.

I really like the word 'frequently'. I try and use it as often as I can.

Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

I just read David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, not a mention about his magic tricks.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room with a baby they always come out with the same one?

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
but she broke it off!

I hear there's a fairy tale princess who actually knows quite a few dad jokes.
It's RaPUNzel.

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.
I thought "what a novel idea".

I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

I asked my dog how was his vet appointment.
He said "ruff".

My band has a new acoustic album called 'Life Support Machine' - unplugged.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

I landed a role at the local weather station, apparently its a high pressure job.

Гневаться и раздражаться – есть не что иное, как наказывать себя за чужие глупости.

- Мойша, а как мне найти себе жену?
- Найди деньги, Лёва, а жена сама тебя найдет.

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors".

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

WOMAN'S MIND is cleaner than a man’s because she changes her mind more often!

I don't understand when people say 'age is just a number'... Age is clearly a word.

Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?
A: Because he knew he would pass.

Анестезиолог летит в отпуск. Вдруг стюардесса объявляет:
— Есть ли среди пассажиров анестезиолог? Срочно пройдите к 12-му месту.
Подходит он к указанному месту, а там мужик водку по стопкам разливает.
— Вы кто, — спрашивает анестезиолог.
— Хирург. Не привык я, понимаешь, пить без анестезиолога!

Anyone remember the band "The Palindromes"?
Their first single was
“If I Had A Hi Fi”.

I just read that Little Red Riding Hood has just been found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.

Есть два типа людей - одни верят в то, что видят.
Другие видят то, во что верят.

I’ve always loved rock bands. They’re why I became a geologist.

I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Why should you never swim on a full stomach? Because it’s easier to swim in water!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.

Q. If nonsmokers do not enjoy smoking, then what do they enjoy?
A. A good whine.

I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.

Why did the duck stroke his friend's back?

He was feeling down!

I've just replaced my car engine with the motor from my washing machine.
I'm gonna take it for a spin later.

My young niece has started dressing like a crescent moon all the time, but we think it’s just a phase.

Writing fairy tales can be a Grimm business!

I asked my Spanish friend to include me in his email, he said C C.

Somebody told me I'm terrible with names.

I have an IKEA joke but I’m still putting it together.

Did you know, there are millions of electrical impulses inside your brain?
Makes you think, doesn't it.

If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

Q: What’s a ballerina’s favorite type of bread?
A: A bun.

— Больной, вам прописаны свечи. Приготовьте, пожалуйста, ваш канделябр!

My Grandad fought with Churchill...
no not Winston....
The insurance company !

Two duck friends went out to eat. At the end of their meal, they got into a quarrel over their bills.

Tomorrow is the day that I finally start procrastinating.

Someone I know jumped off a bridge in Cairo. He was in denial...

- Знаешь, Изя, шо таки я понял с годами: люди делятся на две категории.
Это те, кто хвалит меня, и те, кто совершенно не разбирается в людях.

If love is blind, how can it be at first sight ?

What’s the difference between an electrician and god?……
God doesn’t think he’s an electrician.

Scientists have weighed rainbows and discovered they're pretty light.

What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.

'Nothing is necessary for a young man as much as the company of an intelligent woman.'
— Leo Tolstoy

Last night my can opener broke.
Now I have a can't opener.

Lions can't swallow their pride. That'd be cannibalism.

Did you know that the best way to call an amoeba is on a cell phone.

Dad yelling: Has anyone seen my hammerfor
Me: What the heck’s a hammerfor?
Dad: Knocking in nails!

« We build too many walls and not enough bridges. »

Isaac Newton

Бывших любовников не бывает. Бывшими бывают только мужья. А с любовниками - как с алкоголизмом: то запой, то воздержание.

Лучше плохо жить хорошо, чем хорошо жить плохо.

Если бы на отношениях писали срок годности, не было бы стольких отравившихся любовью.
Фаина Раневская

What is a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP? I guess it means that both don't laugh...

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.
I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

It’s a fact that most people won’t make an appointment to see the dentist until after 2:30.