Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

Behind every great man is a woman, and behind her his wife trying to find out where he was the whole afternoon!

Why does the clown always have a stiff neck?
Because he sleeps funny.

Q: What should you wear to a tea party?
A: A t-shirt.

Врач после осмотра пациента:
– М-да… Когда я последний раз наблюдал такой случай, пришлось уничтожить все стадо!...

therapist: start from the beginning

george lucas: no

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I’ve just had my lip removed….. call me Phil.

I love sleeping so much that it is the first thing I think about when I wake up.

My cousin is a transvestite. Before he goes out for a night on the town, he puts on a dress and makeup. Yes, he likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A. By becoming a ventriloquist!

We never really grow up, we just learn to act in public.

What does DNA stand for?
-National Dyslexic Association

You are living, you occupy space, you have mass. You matter.

Biology, the only science where division and multiplication mean the same thing.

Luke, use the mass times acceleration.

Do you have 11 protons? Because you're sodium fine.

What did the scientists think when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it...😁

Why was Piglet constipated?

He was scared of Pooh.

It hurts me to say this, but...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I have a sore throat.

What does a pear tree do before growing its fruit?..
It prepares..

- Доктор, у меня такое чувство, словно меня никто всерьёз не принимает.
- Да вы шутите!

I bought my canoe at 50% off. It was a sale boat.

Could you see yourself working in a mirror shop?

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I bought an inflatable air mattress, and let me tell ya, it's breath taking.

It's 2021 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked what his favorite version of Windows was he replied,
"I still love Vista baby".

You know what's really odd?
Numbers not divisible by two.

I’ve got a dog called Curiosity...
I no longer have a cat.

chameleon: put me on a piece of glass

me: i’m confused

chameleon: let me be clear

What does food taste like in Cannibal Restaurants?

It varies from person to person.

Why was Indiana Jones depressed? His career was in ruins.

It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary . However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia, and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequilya .

Most problems can be solved with nudity.

It's a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors.

What would happen if Peter Pan fell in a bottomless pit?

He'd Neverland..

I’ve been using a Ukrainian dating site. Now I have a chick in Kiev.

I think I've become masochistic, although it pains me to admit it.

Сегодня Изя таки продал своего почтового голубя. Не дорого, но зато в пятнадцатый раз.

What's the best part of a waffle?
The w.
Without it it's just awful.

Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.

Every time I take up a sport, or exercise I meet new people ... usually they're paramedics...but they're new people.

I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.

Q: Why did the Genie get mad?
A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.

Современная больница — это место, где назойливые пациенты мешают врачам работать с документацией.

I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone’s ok with that ?

Если у богатых отобрать всё и поделить на всех, то бедных станет больше...

- Учёные установили, что веганы живут на 15% дольше.
- Чем остальные?
- Чем предполагалось.

What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout ?
Elephat.

Conspiracy theories and moon landings are very much alike. They're all fake.

Why don't fish play Basketball?

Because they're afraid of the net.

I just want to let people know that I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition....

Teacher,
Does anyone know which month has 28 days?
Little Johnny, All of them.

Why do bees have sticky hair?...... because they use honey combs.

I love playing chess at the park with old men.
The hard part is finding 32 of them.

Известно, что пессимист - это хорошо информированный оптимист.

Из нового: интроверт - это хорошо инфицированный экстраверт.

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.
Sprayed it all over myself, I still cant fly.

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention!

To exercise I jump queues. It reduces my wait.

My new password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.

Because my computer said it had to contain 8 characters, and at least one capital.

What do you call wasps that collect honey? A wannabee.

First, I spilled my deluxe whitening toothpaste.
Then, I slipped and had a floor ride!

If I swallowed a lot of magnets, would that make me attractive or repulsive?

"Образование не лечит от глупости, оно ее вооружает".

An intelligent woman is a woman with whom a man can be as stupid as he wants!

I just tripped while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I wish I had it on video so you could watch it all unfold.

Если сказка не наступает надо менять волшебника.

Q: Where does a sink go dancing?
A: The Dish-co.

Доктор:
— Хорошо, а сейчас сколько пальцев?
Больной:
— Знаете, не так я себе представлял проверку простаты.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

If someone tells you ”you look better with a beard” then they are basically saying that you look better the less they can see your face.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

Bloke goes into Tesco and asks "Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"
Sales assistant says "Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."
"Why’s that?" he asks
She replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"

“This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
— Horace Walpole

- What sort of music is bad for balloons?
- Pop.

Besides HAPPY RELATIONSHIP,
... what other oxymoron do you know?

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
Ernest Hemingway