If laughter is the best medicine...
"I don't tell jokes to make people laugh. I tell them so they can see the deeper truth hidden within."
- George Carlin

Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated:
2025-07-05.
Get ready for a comedy extravaganza.
Where each joke is a sparkling gem of wit and humor.
Jokes and puns are like treasure troves of laughter waiting to be explored!
It's like stumbling upon a comedy gold mine.
Where puns are always intended and jokes are always hilarious.
Jokes and Puns: For when you need a good laugh.
Jokes and Puns: The cure for a bad mood.
Jokes and Puns: The ultimate source of laughter.
What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout ?
Elephat.
Conspiracy theories and moon landings are very much alike. They're all fake.
Why don't fish play Basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
I just want to let people know that I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets, I've signed a partition....
Teacher,
Does anyone know which month has 28 days?
Little Johnny, All of them.
Why do bees have sticky hair?...... because they use honey combs.
I love playing chess at the park with old men.
The hard part is finding 32 of them.
Известно, что пессимист - это хорошо информированный оптимист.
Из нового: интроверт - это хорошо инфицированный экстраверт.
Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.
Sprayed it all over myself, I still cant fly.
I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention!
To exercise I jump queues. It reduces my wait.
My new password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.
Because my computer said it had to contain 8 characters, and at least one capital.
What do you call wasps that collect honey? A wannabee.
First, I spilled my deluxe whitening toothpaste.
Then, I slipped and had a floor ride!
If I swallowed a lot of magnets, would that make me attractive or repulsive?
"Образование не лечит от глупости, оно ее вооружает".
An intelligent woman is a woman with whom a man can be as stupid as he wants!
I just tripped while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I wish I had it on video so you could watch it all unfold.
Если сказка не наступает надо менять волшебника.
Q: Where does a sink go dancing?
A: The Dish-co.
Доктор:
— Хорошо, а сейчас сколько пальцев?
Больной:
— Знаете, не так я себе представлял проверку простаты.
Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
If someone tells you ”you look better with a beard” then they are basically saying that you look better the less they can see your face.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?
A bird can still tweet.
Bloke goes into Tesco and asks "Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"
Sales assistant says "Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."
"Why’s that?" he asks
She replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"
“This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
— Horace Walpole
- What sort of music is bad for balloons?
- Pop.
Besides HAPPY RELATIONSHIP,
... what other oxymoron do you know?
“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
Ernest Hemingway
“Wouldn't it be cool if Benjamin Netanyahu's email address
was BenjaminNET@yahoo?“
I told my wife to brace herself, the Orthodontist bill just came..
Why don’t sharks like fast food? It’s hard to catch.
Q: What’s a princess’s favorite time?
A: Knight time.
Коридор больницы был настолько длинный и светлый, что Федя на всякий случай проверил пульс.
Иван Иваныч Сидоров, читая в супермаркете состав на баллончике с освежителем воздуха, по привычке обосрался.
Why are Sherlock Holmes taxes so low? He's a master of deduction.
I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.
I started a revival band called the "Defibrillators".
Holmes, where do lemons come from?
A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
I told my daughter she was giving me a headache. She replied: For complaints and suggestions, contact the manufacturer!
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
I got a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen. I particularly like the hob bit.
Половина жителей России поддержали обязательную вакцинацию другой половины жителей России.
Two lions walking down an aisle in a supermarket. One says to the other, “it’s quiet in here today, isn’t it?”.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.
The sign said “WET PAINT” so I emptied my water bottle on it.
I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.
Where did the first person to make a dictionary look for the meaning of all words if before him dictionaries didn't exist?!
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My father had very poor hearing. When I tried to ask him who Sherlock Holmes’ partner was, all he could say in reply was “What, son?”
Q: Why didn’t the farmer’s son study medicine?
A: Because he wanted to go into a different field.
Помни! Хороший студент станет хорошим врачом, а плохой — заведующим больницы.
Tom: What is the length of my shoe?
Me: Your shoe is a foot long.
I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure anymore.
I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down.
I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…
I set up a living with paranoia page on Instagram…. Now everyone is following me.
I had to leave my job at the umbrella factory, was a very shady place.
One shepherd to another shepherd : "Let's get the flock out of here ! "
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
Когда свадьба, Абраша?
-21 июня!!!
-Это, когда самая короткая ночь???
-Да😊
-Трус!
I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."
Two wrongs don't make a right,but three rights make a left.
Is it wrong that I’ve already figured out in which order I would eat my friends in the event of an apocalypse?
What is black and white and green all over?
A pickle in a tuxedo!
PRETTY? What I do when I see someone pretty? I smile, I stare, and then when I get tired I put the mirror down...
What should you do to a person that hates puns?
You must fucking punish them.
Interesting fact: The T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the small arms.
Job interview tip: Repeatedly ask if you're under oath.
I'd love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Direction is much more important than speed.
If God is Love, is Love God?
You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?
A: Inside.
Первое правило врача скорой помощи: чем позднее приехал, тем точнее диагноз.
Most people wear Superman pjs.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pjs .
A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"
A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".