Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I tried to make a reservation at the library, but couldn’t. Turns out, they’re completely booked!

My ex-girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year.

It was a long-distance relationship.

What do you call a policeman in bed?
An undercover cop

A friend of mine got married to the girl he met on a boat. It was a ferry tale wedding.

I always find completed jigsaws to be quite relaxing. Very piece-full.

Ленивая кукушка перебралась на кладбище.

I wanted to be an astronaut and herbalist.
My girlfriend wouldn't give me the thyme and space.

Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?
A: She nailed it.

Пока жизнь еще теплится, пиво должно быть холодным.

I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

The human body is roughly 60% water.
I'm not fat, I'm flooded.

But what if bygones want to be something else?

When someone mentioned a bunch of cows were coming to town, I replied, "I know, I herd!"

I’ve started eating more honey ever since my doctor said I need more bee vitamins, but it isn’t helping.

Q: Where do rabbits learn to fly?
A: The Hare Force

I just ate a frozen apple. It was hardcore !

My grief counselor died, but he'd done such a good job I didn't care.

What’s the difference between a dad and a car?
Eventually the car will run out of gas!

I don't think we do get smarter as we get older.
I just think we run out of stupid things to do.

Q: What is the math teacher’s favorite dessert?
A: Pi.

Российские учёные первыми в мире разработали справку от коронавируса.

Did you know that there’s a new type of broom out? It is sweeping the nation!

My Indian mate Tyme is a pilot,
He wrote a book...called how Tyme flies !!

Do U2's lawyers work pro bono ?

My wife says I should stop speaking in numbers, but I told her I don’t 1 2.

A man asked me what I did for a living.
" I'm a spy " l replied.
" Then why are you dressed as a shepherd ? "
" I'm a shepherd's spy "

Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?

Their ancestors are vi-kings.

I'm working on a joke about constructing a theatre.
It's in the building stage.

Why do trees hate test?
The questions stump them!

I’m a mathematician but I hate negative numbers.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— Auxilio, me robaron la camioneta!!!
— ¿4x4?
— ¡Ay 16, pero ayúdame!

I recently discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat.

My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

It was a cigarette lighter.

I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

- Не срослось…
- А вы точно травматолог?

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

A job listing without the pay posted feels like a dating profile with no pictures.

A 103 year old man was asked if he thought that he’d still be around for his 104th birthday.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have...(puts on sunglasses)😎...
..mixed fillings??

Сотрудники секонд-хендов женятся только на разведёнках.

MYSTERY - Does anyone actually know what you should really do when people around you are singing 'Happy birthday to you'?

I was invited to a best ice cream competition

Scooped all the awards.

Si no te gustan estos defectos. Tengo más.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle until one of the corners mysteriously disappeared.

If God turns water into wine why are so many Christians against alcohol?

My careers adviser asked me what job I'd like to do.
"Carpenter" I replied.
"Really, why?"
"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.

Do you think Luke Skywalker sent Darth Vader a Father's Day card?

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while skydiving? It's all over town.

Loving chocolate may not always be easy but sometimes you have to fudge it.

What kind of doctor specializes in adam’s apples?
A guyneckologist.

Если вам говорят что ваш поезд уже ушёл, помните, что таки есть ещё много других видов транспорта.

Зашел в магазин «все для футбола». Купил телевизор, пиво и чипсы.

What does the Autobahn have in common with the alphabet?
There's always a VW behind U.

Two wrongs don't make a right but......two Wrights can make a plane.

Why do waves always flow towards land?
Because its the only direction they are shore of.

Зачем это мне следить за своей фигурой? Я её ни в чём не подозреваю.

I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.

Why did the deer get braces? Because he had buck teeth.

Which superhero pays no tax? Spiderman, all his income is net.

GOD must LOVE stupid people... He created so many!

Глядя на отсутствие пальца у Антона, все думали, что он фрезеровщик, а он был стоматологом.

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

- Абрам, что ты думаешь о сексе?
- Ой, Моня, не морочь мне голову! У меня шестеро детей - мне некогда заниматься теорией.

My body is not a temple, it is a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread and guilt.

I’m considering becoming a mind reader...
What are your thoughts?

Bloody Foreigner - coming over here, wanting to know what love is!

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.

Why does the trainer at the gym have to keep getting new clothes?

Because people keep telling him he’s ripped.

Technically, all the money you have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.

Did you hear the joke about the bed?
I haven't made it yet!

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.

Матросы прислали в "Что? Где? Когда?" пустой конверт, потому что у матросов нет вопросов.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard…

Why does everyone think I’m paranoid…?

My friends are weird.
They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

It's What's Inside That Matters... the fridge is a perfect example!