Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“Wouldn't it be cool if Benjamin Netanyahu's email address
was BenjaminNET@yahoo?“

I told my wife to brace herself, the Orthodontist bill just came..

Why don’t sharks like fast food? It’s hard to catch.

Q: What’s a princess’s favorite time?
A: Knight time.

Коридор больницы был настолько длинный и светлый, что Федя на всякий случай проверил пульс.

Иван Иваныч Сидоров, читая в супермаркете состав на баллончике с освежителем воздуха, по привычке обосрался.

Why are Sherlock Holmes taxes so low? He's a master of deduction.

I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.

I started a revival band called the "Defibrillators".

Holmes, where do lemons come from?
A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

I told my daughter she was giving me a headache. She replied: For complaints and suggestions, contact the manufacturer!

For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

I got a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen. I particularly like the hob bit.

Половина жителей России поддержали обязательную вакцинацию другой половины жителей России.

Two lions walking down an aisle in a supermarket. One says to the other, “it’s quiet in here today, isn’t it?”.

Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

The sign said “WET PAINT” so I emptied my water bottle on it.
I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.

Where did the first person to make a dictionary look for the meaning of all words if before him dictionaries didn't exist?!

Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

My father had very poor hearing. When I tried to ask him who Sherlock Holmes’ partner was, all he could say in reply was “What, son?”

Q: Why didn’t the farmer’s son study medicine?
A: Because he wanted to go into a different field.

Помни! Хороший студент станет хорошим врачом, а плохой — заведующим больницы.

Tom: What is the length of my shoe?

Me: Your shoe is a foot long.

I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure anymore.

I’m reading a great book about an immortal dog – I’m finding it impossible to put down.

I never said he’d been to prison…
…I just said he’d spent a lot of time behind bars…

I set up a living with paranoia page on Instagram…. Now everyone is following me.

I had to leave my job at the umbrella factory, was a very shady place.

One shepherd to another shepherd : "Let's get the flock out of here ! "

How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

Когда свадьба, Абраша?
-21 июня!!!
-Это, когда самая короткая ночь???
-Да😊
-Трус!

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."

Two wrongs don't make a right,but three rights make a left.

Is it wrong that I’ve already figured out in which order I would eat my friends in the event of an apocalypse?

What is black and white and green all over?
A pickle in a tuxedo!

PRETTY? What I do when I see someone pretty? I smile, I stare, and then when I get tired I put the mirror down...

What should you do to a person that hates puns?
You must fucking punish them.

Interesting fact: The T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the small arms.

Job interview tip: Repeatedly ask if you're under oath.

I'd love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.

Direction is much more important than speed.

If God is Love, is Love God?

You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?
A: Inside.

Первое правило врача скорой помощи: чем позднее приехал, тем точнее диагноз.

Most people wear Superman pjs.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pjs .

A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"

A man goes to the cinema and is surprised to see a pig sitting in the seat next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked the pig. "Well, I enjoyed the book".

I tried to make a reservation at the library, but couldn’t. Turns out, they’re completely booked!

My ex-girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year.

It was a long-distance relationship.

What do you call a policeman in bed?
An undercover cop

A friend of mine got married to the girl he met on a boat. It was a ferry tale wedding.

I always find completed jigsaws to be quite relaxing. Very piece-full.

Ленивая кукушка перебралась на кладбище.

I wanted to be an astronaut and herbalist.
My girlfriend wouldn't give me the thyme and space.

Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?
A: She nailed it.

Пока жизнь еще теплится, пиво должно быть холодным.

I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

The human body is roughly 60% water.
I'm not fat, I'm flooded.

But what if bygones want to be something else?

When someone mentioned a bunch of cows were coming to town, I replied, "I know, I herd!"

I’ve started eating more honey ever since my doctor said I need more bee vitamins, but it isn’t helping.

Q: Where do rabbits learn to fly?
A: The Hare Force

I just ate a frozen apple. It was hardcore !

My grief counselor died, but he'd done such a good job I didn't care.

What’s the difference between a dad and a car?
Eventually the car will run out of gas!

I don't think we do get smarter as we get older.
I just think we run out of stupid things to do.

Q: What is the math teacher’s favorite dessert?
A: Pi.

Российские учёные первыми в мире разработали справку от коронавируса.

Did you know that there’s a new type of broom out? It is sweeping the nation!

My Indian mate Tyme is a pilot,
He wrote a book...called how Tyme flies !!

Do U2's lawyers work pro bono ?

My wife says I should stop speaking in numbers, but I told her I don’t 1 2.

A man asked me what I did for a living.
" I'm a spy " l replied.
" Then why are you dressed as a shepherd ? "
" I'm a shepherd's spy "

Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?

Their ancestors are vi-kings.

I'm working on a joke about constructing a theatre.
It's in the building stage.

Why do trees hate test?
The questions stump them!

I’m a mathematician but I hate negative numbers.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.