Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

— Auxilio, me robaron la camioneta!!!
— ¿4x4?
— ¡Ay 16, pero ayúdame!

I recently discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat.

My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

It was a cigarette lighter.

I couldn't get my fridge to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

- Не срослось…
- А вы точно травматолог?

There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.

A job listing without the pay posted feels like a dating profile with no pictures.

A 103 year old man was asked if he thought that he’d still be around for his 104th birthday.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have...(puts on sunglasses)😎...
..mixed fillings??

Сотрудники секонд-хендов женятся только на разведёнках.

MYSTERY - Does anyone actually know what you should really do when people around you are singing 'Happy birthday to you'?

I was invited to a best ice cream competition

Scooped all the awards.

Si no te gustan estos defectos. Tengo más.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle until one of the corners mysteriously disappeared.

If God turns water into wine why are so many Christians against alcohol?

My careers adviser asked me what job I'd like to do.
"Carpenter" I replied.
"Really, why?"
"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."

Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.

Do you think Luke Skywalker sent Darth Vader a Father's Day card?

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while skydiving? It's all over town.

Loving chocolate may not always be easy but sometimes you have to fudge it.

What kind of doctor specializes in adam’s apples?
A guyneckologist.

Если вам говорят что ваш поезд уже ушёл, помните, что таки есть ещё много других видов транспорта.

Зашел в магазин «все для футбола». Купил телевизор, пиво и чипсы.

What does the Autobahn have in common with the alphabet?
There's always a VW behind U.

Two wrongs don't make a right but......two Wrights can make a plane.

Why do waves always flow towards land?
Because its the only direction they are shore of.

Зачем это мне следить за своей фигурой? Я её ни в чём не подозреваю.

I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.

Why did the deer get braces? Because he had buck teeth.

Which superhero pays no tax? Spiderman, all his income is net.

GOD must LOVE stupid people... He created so many!

Глядя на отсутствие пальца у Антона, все думали, что он фрезеровщик, а он был стоматологом.

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

- Абрам, что ты думаешь о сексе?
- Ой, Моня, не морочь мне голову! У меня шестеро детей - мне некогда заниматься теорией.

My body is not a temple, it is a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread and guilt.

I’m considering becoming a mind reader...
What are your thoughts?

Bloody Foreigner - coming over here, wanting to know what love is!

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.

Why does the trainer at the gym have to keep getting new clothes?

Because people keep telling him he’s ripped.

Technically, all the money you have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.

Did you hear the joke about the bed?
I haven't made it yet!

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.

Матросы прислали в "Что? Где? Когда?" пустой конверт, потому что у матросов нет вопросов.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard…

Why does everyone think I’m paranoid…?

My friends are weird.
They keep vegetables in their beer crisper.

It's What's Inside That Matters... the fridge is a perfect example!

Хитрые и коварные врачи спрашивают, где болит, а потом давят туда.

What does James Bond do a bedtime? He goes undercover.

- Что нужно бедному еврею для счастья?
- Бедных евреев не бывает, есть бедные люди, которые думают, что они евреи.

Понимаешь, Сара, мужчинам легче, они сразу видят какая у девушки грудь. А вот нас женщин, всегда ждёт сюрприз!

I've just had a Moroccan Mud wrap.
This sandwich shop is disgusting.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

What is the worst part of being vegan?
Getting up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

At a routine check-up recently, I asked the nurse on a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need lab work? She said urinate.

‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
“Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”

I talk to myself a lot. That's because I am a good listener...

I think my periscope is broken, it doesn’t look right.

How do you give your reluctant sheep it's pill?
Ewe have to Ram it down it's throat!

I was thinking of becoming an organ donor.

But I became disheartened.

Why did the man eat yeast and shoe polish before he went to bed?

So he could rise and shine!

- Сулико, ты девственница?
- Да. По гороскопу.

И века у вас средние, и сами вы не очень.

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Your daughter is getting you cologne for your birthday.
That's great. I've always wanted to see Germany.

What’s black, white and very noisy? A panda with a set of drums.

A man is suing the company for 100 million after he was left with one eye after an accident. I bet he doesn't see half that money.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

He just wanted to be a watermelon.

I put a bet on 3 horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. They all lost.... I blame it on the bookie.

Все мы твари на этой Земле. Особенно некоторые.

Старость - это когда хотел проспать работу, но не смог.

"Se vive mejor sin esperar nada de nadie."

I made you a cake.
I also ate it for you.

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, they have to deal with 40% more spider webs than the average person.

— Фима , почему ты стал именно хирургом?
— Ну, потому что для проктолога я слишком весёлый, а для гинеколога слишком влюбчивый…

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt,
Can we go on a camel? I said, No,
It would take ages to get there on a camel.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.