Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Хитрые и коварные врачи спрашивают, где болит, а потом давят туда.

What does James Bond do a bedtime? He goes undercover.

- Что нужно бедному еврею для счастья?
- Бедных евреев не бывает, есть бедные люди, которые думают, что они евреи.

Понимаешь, Сара, мужчинам легче, они сразу видят какая у девушки грудь. А вот нас женщин, всегда ждёт сюрприз!

I've just had a Moroccan Mud wrap.
This sandwich shop is disgusting.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.
I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

What is the worst part of being vegan?
Getting up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

At a routine check-up recently, I asked the nurse on a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need lab work? She said urinate.

‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
“Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”

I talk to myself a lot. That's because I am a good listener...

I think my periscope is broken, it doesn’t look right.

How do you give your reluctant sheep it's pill?
Ewe have to Ram it down it's throat!

I was thinking of becoming an organ donor.

But I became disheartened.

Why did the man eat yeast and shoe polish before he went to bed?

So he could rise and shine!

- Сулико, ты девственница?
- Да. По гороскопу.

И века у вас средние, и сами вы не очень.

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Your daughter is getting you cologne for your birthday.
That's great. I've always wanted to see Germany.

What’s black, white and very noisy? A panda with a set of drums.

A man is suing the company for 100 million after he was left with one eye after an accident. I bet he doesn't see half that money.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

He just wanted to be a watermelon.

I put a bet on 3 horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. They all lost.... I blame it on the bookie.

Все мы твари на этой Земле. Особенно некоторые.

Старость - это когда хотел проспать работу, но не смог.

"Se vive mejor sin esperar nada de nadie."

I made you a cake.
I also ate it for you.

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, they have to deal with 40% more spider webs than the average person.

— Фима , почему ты стал именно хирургом?
— Ну, потому что для проктолога я слишком весёлый, а для гинеколога слишком влюбчивый…

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt,
Can we go on a camel? I said, No,
It would take ages to get there on a camel.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.

They kept asking me trick questions....

Shout out to all Hip Hop DJs for starting from scratch.

Российские учёные разработали справку от коронавируса.

Mary had a little lamb and
her husband fainted in the labor room.

Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp.

Someone removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire.
The police are currently looking for Leeds.

"Boyfriend" and "boy friend": you see a little space, that's called the friend zone.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

Просто не учи физику в школе, и вся твоя жизнь будет наполнена чудесами и волшебством.

My Daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.
So she invited over all her friends and I made them clean the house.

Моня примерил обручальное кольцо на палец. Почувствовал, как сдавило горло…

An Egyptian band called The Scarab Beatles, have a new hit song...Drive My Ka.

Why don't wild pigs go to parties? Because they're boars.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.

In our town the cemetery won’t bury anyone living on the west side.
They wait ‘til they die first.

What do u call a really strong cow? Beefy.

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of an airplane?
Meeeeeeee!!!!

When one grizzly starts growling, they all start growling.
I’ve mentioned this before, bears repeating.

You: "I hate oyings."
Me: "What is an oying?"
You: "Your jokes"

Одного мужика послали за смертью . А он взял две , чтобы потом не бегать.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Wife: Honey, I think the bathroom scale is broken. Please fix it.
Husband: Where is it?
Wife: I'm on it.
Husband: Ok. Do it then.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

I've been at The Clash concert for an hour and the band still hasn't come out.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Я сводил свою чихуахуа на конкурс "самый уродливый кобель" и взял первое место!
Чихуахуа взяла третье.

The sentence: "Are you as bored as I am?" can be said backwards and still makes sense.

I asked my wife what sort of olives I should buy and she told me to get stuffed.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought “the streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.

A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey," says the barman.
"Yes please," says the horse.

I had to quit my printing job because I couldn't make any money.

It's easy to be a communist in a free country; the difficulty lies in being free in a communist country.

I Enjoyed my Wife's Beef stew tonight, even it turns out it Was an Apple pie!

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

I told my Wife I would pick Fish and Chips up on the way home and she just grunted… I think she regrets letting me pick the twins’ names.

If you help a woman when she's in trouble... she'll remember you when she's in trouble again!

Некоторые женщины такие стеснительные, что стесняются мужчинам отказывать.

What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

I guess the cat got his tongue.

В правильной легенде Прометей украл у богов огненную воду, а мы все за это расплачиваемся печенью.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

My mate Dave went to the doctors yesterday. The doctor said “And how can I help you today Dave?”

“Well doctor” said Dave “I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.”

“How bad is it?” said the doctor

“It comes in waves.” replied Dave

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

— Сегодня на ужин гречка.
— С чем?
— С чем, блядь, я тебя и поздравляю.

- Вам, таки, помочь или уже не мешать?

Если в Израиле перестанут соблюдать шабат это будет удобно для покупок и поездок на общественном транспорте. Правда неудобно будет 5 раз в день соблюдать намаз.

Great minds all come to the same conclusion at death...

Не спеши мстить сам! Посмотри, как красиво это сделает жизнь!