Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.

They kept asking me trick questions....

Shout out to all Hip Hop DJs for starting from scratch.

Российские учёные разработали справку от коронавируса.

Mary had a little lamb and
her husband fainted in the labor room.

Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp.

Someone removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire.
The police are currently looking for Leeds.

"Boyfriend" and "boy friend": you see a little space, that's called the friend zone.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

If you punch yourself and it hurts, does that mean you're weak or strong?

Просто не учи физику в школе, и вся твоя жизнь будет наполнена чудесами и волшебством.

My Daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.
So she invited over all her friends and I made them clean the house.

Моня примерил обручальное кольцо на палец. Почувствовал, как сдавило горло…

An Egyptian band called The Scarab Beatles, have a new hit song...Drive My Ka.

Why don't wild pigs go to parties? Because they're boars.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.

In our town the cemetery won’t bury anyone living on the west side.
They wait ‘til they die first.

What do u call a really strong cow? Beefy.

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of an airplane?
Meeeeeeee!!!!

When one grizzly starts growling, they all start growling.
I’ve mentioned this before, bears repeating.

You: "I hate oyings."
Me: "What is an oying?"
You: "Your jokes"

Одного мужика послали за смертью . А он взял две , чтобы потом не бегать.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Wife: Honey, I think the bathroom scale is broken. Please fix it.
Husband: Where is it?
Wife: I'm on it.
Husband: Ok. Do it then.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

I've been at The Clash concert for an hour and the band still hasn't come out.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Я сводил свою чихуахуа на конкурс "самый уродливый кобель" и взял первое место!
Чихуахуа взяла третье.

The sentence: "Are you as bored as I am?" can be said backwards and still makes sense.

I asked my wife what sort of olives I should buy and she told me to get stuffed.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought “the streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.

A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey," says the barman.
"Yes please," says the horse.

I had to quit my printing job because I couldn't make any money.

It's easy to be a communist in a free country; the difficulty lies in being free in a communist country.

I Enjoyed my Wife's Beef stew tonight, even it turns out it Was an Apple pie!

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

I told my Wife I would pick Fish and Chips up on the way home and she just grunted… I think she regrets letting me pick the twins’ names.

If you help a woman when she's in trouble... she'll remember you when she's in trouble again!

Некоторые женщины такие стеснительные, что стесняются мужчинам отказывать.

What do Michael Jackson and the Scottish goalkeeper have in common.

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Did you hear about the mute who got into a fight with a tiger?

I guess the cat got his tongue.

В правильной легенде Прометей украл у богов огненную воду, а мы все за это расплачиваемся печенью.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

My mate Dave went to the doctors yesterday. The doctor said “And how can I help you today Dave?”

“Well doctor” said Dave “I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.”

“How bad is it?” said the doctor

“It comes in waves.” replied Dave

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

— Сегодня на ужин гречка.
— С чем?
— С чем, блядь, я тебя и поздравляю.

- Вам, таки, помочь или уже не мешать?

Если в Израиле перестанут соблюдать шабат это будет удобно для покупок и поездок на общественном транспорте. Правда неудобно будет 5 раз в день соблюдать намаз.

Great minds all come to the same conclusion at death...

Не спеши мстить сам! Посмотри, как красиво это сделает жизнь!

I’m not one for booty puns, butt…

Если вам в субботу не хочется ничего делать,
значит вы начали постигать истины иудаизма.

"One of your bees just stung me & I want you to do something about it."

"Sure, lady, show me which one it was, and I'll punish it!"

Whilst waiting at the bus stop,
someone asked me,
“how long is the next bus”?
“mmmm about 38 feet” I replied

I just walked around
the new Ikea store.
It's a'Maze'ing.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

- Mahatma Ghandhi

My back don’t start hurting until I put on my work clothes
👖😒👕

I asked the pet shop guy for a goldfish. He said: "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said: "I don’t care what it's star sign is"

Люся хотела заставить своего бывшего парня ревновать и незаметно для себя стала блядью.

I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker.

Одесса. Утро. Голос из открытого окна:
— Нет, дорогой, так целуют знамя…

I ran into an old friend the other day . She is still in the hospital recovering.

Mule:

A half assed attempt at creating a new species

Q. What’s the middle peddle on a piano do?

A. It separates the other two.

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

Be careful in Hereford swimming baths! They now have a chemical in the water that turns red if a man pees in the baths and blue if a woman pees in there. Me and the miss's were mistaken for the red arrows last night.

Women belongs to the kitchen

Men belongs to the kitchen

Everyone belongs to the kitchen

Cos kitchen has food and everyone must eat.

Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you ... As a joke

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants .....I said for crying out loud Petal where has this stemmed from?

I just cut a tree down using only my vision. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

What do you call a tired tornado?
Winded.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

My grandmother is 80% Irish.
They call her Iris.

How does a group of dolphins decide on something? They flipper coin!

– Вы верите в наших футболистов?
– Я атеист.

When Steven Spielberg visits his dentist, are they impressed with his Jaws?

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.
When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

I tried to carry my oversized board game onto the plane, but I wasn’t allowed.

They said the Risk was too big.

Одесский стоматолог Яков Моисеевич на вопрос "А, шо так дорого?" ответил:
- Да, дорого! Но лучше грызть, чем сосать.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.
Stephen Hawking