Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Не спеши мстить сам! Посмотри, как красиво это сделает жизнь!

I’m not one for booty puns, butt…

Если вам в субботу не хочется ничего делать,
значит вы начали постигать истины иудаизма.

"One of your bees just stung me & I want you to do something about it."

"Sure, lady, show me which one it was, and I'll punish it!"

Whilst waiting at the bus stop,
someone asked me,
“how long is the next bus”?
“mmmm about 38 feet” I replied

I just walked around
the new Ikea store.
It's a'Maze'ing.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

- Mahatma Ghandhi

My back don’t start hurting until I put on my work clothes
👖😒👕

I asked the pet shop guy for a goldfish. He said: "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said: "I don’t care what it's star sign is"

Люся хотела заставить своего бывшего парня ревновать и незаметно для себя стала блядью.

I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker.

Одесса. Утро. Голос из открытого окна:
— Нет, дорогой, так целуют знамя…

I ran into an old friend the other day . She is still in the hospital recovering.

Mule:

A half assed attempt at creating a new species

Q. What’s the middle peddle on a piano do?

A. It separates the other two.

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

Be careful in Hereford swimming baths! They now have a chemical in the water that turns red if a man pees in the baths and blue if a woman pees in there. Me and the miss's were mistaken for the red arrows last night.

Women belongs to the kitchen

Men belongs to the kitchen

Everyone belongs to the kitchen

Cos kitchen has food and everyone must eat.

Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you ... As a joke

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants .....I said for crying out loud Petal where has this stemmed from?

I just cut a tree down using only my vision. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

What do you call a tired tornado?
Winded.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

My grandmother is 80% Irish.
They call her Iris.

How does a group of dolphins decide on something? They flipper coin!

– Вы верите в наших футболистов?
– Я атеист.

When Steven Spielberg visits his dentist, are they impressed with his Jaws?

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.
When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

I tried to carry my oversized board game onto the plane, but I wasn’t allowed.

They said the Risk was too big.

Одесский стоматолог Яков Моисеевич на вопрос "А, шо так дорого?" ответил:
- Да, дорого! Но лучше грызть, чем сосать.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.
Stephen Hawking

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Henry Ford

CHICKEN: (noun) A device used by an egg to clone itself.

— Сосед, смените мне розетку. — Но у Вас же есть муж, тётя Циля. — Ему таки нельзя. Его может током убить.

Чарльз Буковски -

«Дела шли хорошо, но неизвестно куда.»

My son accused me of living in the past.

I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his way.

Wheres the remote for the tv?

Me - In a remote location.

Breaking news!

A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station

23 people arrested in TOTAL

What song would be appropriate if all King Arthur's men found love?
No More Lonely Knights!!

Если ты споришь с идиотом, значит, вас уже двое.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.
Albert Einstein

To generalize is to be an idiot.
William Blake

Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Bill Gates

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
George Bernard Shaw

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Immanuel Kant

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.
Cicero

Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness.
Sophocles

There is a wisdom of the head, and there is a wisdom of the Heart.
Charles Dickens

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

Smart people are comfortable with not having strong opinions on topics outside of their domain expertise.

Always say thank you 3 times everyday. And do something that deserves a thank you.

It’s easier to fool the fools, than to prove to fools that they’ve been fooled.
A.Bratus

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Norman Cousins

Wisdom comes only through suffering.
Aeschylus

Wisdom is the daughter of experience.
Leonardo Da Vinci

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Socrates

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

An intelligent man believes only half of what he hears, a wise man knows which half.
Evan Esar

The only source of knowledge is experience.
Albert Einstein

The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.
Bertrand Russell

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.
Benjamin Franklin

The aim of education is the knowledge, not of facts, but of values.
William S. Burroughs

The aim of education is the knowledge, not of facts, but of values.
William S. Burroughs

Any fool can know. The point is to understand.
Albert Einstein

Did you hear about the kid's magician who used chocolate in his magic act?
He always had a couple of twix up his sleeve.

Вся ваша репутация держится исключительно на молчании ваших лучших друзей.

The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in.
It’s one of the reasons I invented it.

Toaster Settings:

1) Nothing.

2) Nothing.

3) SET THE BREAD ON FIRE !

Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What’s the most popular video game at the bread bakery?

A: Knead for Speed.

What happens when skeletons score points in a game?
They get a bone-us.

Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.

Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Why is a orphan favorite game monopoly?
Because it can actually buy a house.

“Wanna play the rape game?”

“No!!!”

“That’s the spirit!”

What is a tornado favorite game?

Twister!

What is a fish’s 🐟 favorite game?

Salmon Says!

Did you hear the score in the Eqypt vs Ethiopia football game? Eqypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.