Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Henry Ford

CHICKEN: (noun) A device used by an egg to clone itself.

— Сосед, смените мне розетку. — Но у Вас же есть муж, тётя Циля. — Ему таки нельзя. Его может током убить.

Чарльз Буковски -

«Дела шли хорошо, но неизвестно куда.»

My son accused me of living in the past.

I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his way.

Wheres the remote for the tv?

Me - In a remote location.

Breaking news!

A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station

23 people arrested in TOTAL

What song would be appropriate if all King Arthur's men found love?
No More Lonely Knights!!

Если ты споришь с идиотом, значит, вас уже двое.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.
Albert Einstein

To generalize is to be an idiot.
William Blake

Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Bill Gates

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
George Bernard Shaw

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Immanuel Kant

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.
Cicero

Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness.
Sophocles

There is a wisdom of the head, and there is a wisdom of the Heart.
Charles Dickens

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

Smart people are comfortable with not having strong opinions on topics outside of their domain expertise.

Always say thank you 3 times everyday. And do something that deserves a thank you.

It’s easier to fool the fools, than to prove to fools that they’ve been fooled.
A.Bratus

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Norman Cousins

Wisdom comes only through suffering.
Aeschylus

Wisdom is the daughter of experience.
Leonardo Da Vinci

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Socrates

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

An intelligent man believes only half of what he hears, a wise man knows which half.
Evan Esar

The only source of knowledge is experience.
Albert Einstein

The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.
Bertrand Russell

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.
Benjamin Franklin

The aim of education is the knowledge, not of facts, but of values.
William S. Burroughs

The aim of education is the knowledge, not of facts, but of values.
William S. Burroughs

Any fool can know. The point is to understand.
Albert Einstein

Did you hear about the kid's magician who used chocolate in his magic act?
He always had a couple of twix up his sleeve.

Вся ваша репутация держится исключительно на молчании ваших лучших друзей.

The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in.
It’s one of the reasons I invented it.

Toaster Settings:

1) Nothing.

2) Nothing.

3) SET THE BREAD ON FIRE !

Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What’s the most popular video game at the bread bakery?

A: Knead for Speed.

What happens when skeletons score points in a game?
They get a bone-us.

Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.

Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Why is a orphan favorite game monopoly?
Because it can actually buy a house.

“Wanna play the rape game?”

“No!!!”

“That’s the spirit!”

What is a tornado favorite game?

Twister!

What is a fish’s 🐟 favorite game?

Salmon Says!

Did you hear the score in the Eqypt vs Ethiopia football game? Eqypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

Let’s take a look at the Swedish bench for today’s game. 12.99 from Ikea.

Why are cats good at video games ?
Because they have nine lives !

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

What’s a suicidal person’s favorite game? Hangman.

Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
A: There was a face off in the corner.

Why did the police go to a baseball game?
Because a player stole the base.

What game does an emo hate the most?

Cut the Rope.

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, the get busted.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Why can’t orphans play online games ?
Because they don’t have parents to sign them up.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.

What’s a Mexican’s favorite video game?
Borderlands.

почти любую фразу можно опошлить, если в конце добавить "если вы понимаете, о чем я"

A man walks into a butcher's and says,
Have you got a sheep's head?
The butcher replies,
No, it's just the way I brush my hair.

Актриса говорит мужу:
- Меня пригласили в спектакль "Горе от ума". Буду играть там главную роль!
- Горе, что ли?!

Science Has Proved Science Wrong.

Подавляющее большинство россиян-подавляемое...

С возрастом приходит понимание, что не все нужно произносить вслух.
Джоджо Мойес

Можно ли работая нажить состояние?
Запросто!
Прединфарктное.

I made a really cheesy pun about quesadillas the other day.

"A veces es mejor, guardar silencio, sonreír y seguir adelante."

I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

I’m great at remembering names.

I just don’t remember which one is yours.

- Чем похожи гендеры и нью-йоркские башни-близнецы?
- Раньше и тех, и других было по два, а теперь об этом нельзя шутить…

I wonder if Somalis ever listen to Pirate Radio?

I've got a joke about the mail, its first class.

I think i've told enough boat jokes for now, i don't want to go overboard

I'm half Irish, half Mexican.
I identify as Leprechano.

It took years of trial and error for my family to decide what kind of sliced bread they preferred.

We’ve been through thick and thin together.

Сделка считается выгодной, если обе стороны убеждены, что обманули друг друга.