Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What is a tornado favorite game?

Twister!

What is a fish’s 🐟 favorite game?

Salmon Says!

Did you hear the score in the Eqypt vs Ethiopia football game? Eqypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

Let’s take a look at the Swedish bench for today’s game. 12.99 from Ikea.

Why are cats good at video games ?
Because they have nine lives !

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

What’s a suicidal person’s favorite game? Hangman.

Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
A: There was a face off in the corner.

Why did the police go to a baseball game?
Because a player stole the base.

What game does an emo hate the most?

Cut the Rope.

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, the get busted.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Why can’t orphans play online games ?
Because they don’t have parents to sign them up.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.

What’s a Mexican’s favorite video game?
Borderlands.

почти любую фразу можно опошлить, если в конце добавить "если вы понимаете, о чем я"

A man walks into a butcher's and says,
Have you got a sheep's head?
The butcher replies,
No, it's just the way I brush my hair.

Актриса говорит мужу:
- Меня пригласили в спектакль "Горе от ума". Буду играть там главную роль!
- Горе, что ли?!

Science Has Proved Science Wrong.

Подавляющее большинство россиян-подавляемое...

С возрастом приходит понимание, что не все нужно произносить вслух.
Джоджо Мойес

Можно ли работая нажить состояние?
Запросто!
Прединфарктное.

I made a really cheesy pun about quesadillas the other day.

"A veces es mejor, guardar silencio, sonreír y seguir adelante."

I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

I’m great at remembering names.

I just don’t remember which one is yours.

- Чем похожи гендеры и нью-йоркские башни-близнецы?
- Раньше и тех, и других было по два, а теперь об этом нельзя шутить…

I wonder if Somalis ever listen to Pirate Radio?

I've got a joke about the mail, its first class.

I think i've told enough boat jokes for now, i don't want to go overboard

I'm half Irish, half Mexican.
I identify as Leprechano.

It took years of trial and error for my family to decide what kind of sliced bread they preferred.

We’ve been through thick and thin together.

Сделка считается выгодной, если обе стороны убеждены, что обманули друг друга.

I had a tree pun but I had to leaf..

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

Человек создан для счастья, как яблоко для утки.

I always like to sh*t with the door open, which some people say is gross but at least I don't have to share the lift.

"Hello. This is the Paranoia Hotline. How did you get this number?"

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner, he couldn't budge it.

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

" I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it"...

What is the definition of a menstrual period ?
A bloody waste of fucking time.

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.
For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?
I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons
The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

What do you call a woman's first menstrual cycle after incarceration?
The period at the end of a sentence.

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free
It's about bloody time.

What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?

When you finger her you get your palm red for free.

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from.

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

They should put prizes inside tampon boxes.
Like, yeah, your period sucks, but here’s 50 percent off some ice cream.

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever.
Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

Getting your period is like being attacked by a dementor.
You feel like you’ll never be happy again and only chocolate can make it better.

You know what my favorite mythical creatures are?
The happy girls in tampon commercials.

A woman’s period is like once a month her body accidentally hits caps lock on her emotions.

Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
Also uterus: Surprise her.

What is an ovary’s favorite type of TV show?
Period dramas.

Guess you could say people with irregular periods go with the flow.

A young woman steps into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself.
She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint, she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, “Yes, it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached.”

Periods help you learn how to get blood off things….
which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught for murder.

What kind of bikes do girls ride?
Menstrual cycles.

Period: Guess who’s back… back again…
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

Applying for a loan:

“Okay, let’s start with your name.”

“James”

“And your surname?”

“Sir James”

Фирочка была настолько красивой, шо у Льва Марковича невольно сжался бумажник…

Don't tell people to respect their elders. Be an elder worth respecting.

They say that eating palm leaves can cure constipation.
With fronds like that, who needs enemas?

What is an elevator’s favorite exercise?
Push-ups!

Фима и Веня курят на балконе.
Вдруг, откуда-то снизу доносится "Ох@ели совсем!"
- Фима, вы слышали?
- Ой, не знаю по какому поводу, но в целом я таки согласен...

My husband just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it is very deep.

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows.
Signed: Ben the ornithologist.