Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I had a tree pun but I had to leaf..

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

My wife gives me sound advice...99% sound..1% advice.

Человек создан для счастья, как яблоко для утки.

I always like to sh*t with the door open, which some people say is gross but at least I don't have to share the lift.

"Hello. This is the Paranoia Hotline. How did you get this number?"

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner, he couldn't budge it.

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

" I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it"...

What is the definition of a menstrual period ?
A bloody waste of fucking time.

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.
For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle?
I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas.

A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons
The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

What do you call a woman's first menstrual cycle after incarceration?
The period at the end of a sentence.

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free
It's about bloody time.

What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?

When you finger her you get your palm red for free.

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from.

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

They should put prizes inside tampon boxes.
Like, yeah, your period sucks, but here’s 50 percent off some ice cream.

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever.
Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

Getting your period is like being attacked by a dementor.
You feel like you’ll never be happy again and only chocolate can make it better.

You know what my favorite mythical creatures are?
The happy girls in tampon commercials.

A woman’s period is like once a month her body accidentally hits caps lock on her emotions.

Uterus: I didn’t bleed all day yesterday — you should totally wear cute panties.
Also uterus: Surprise her.

What is an ovary’s favorite type of TV show?
Period dramas.

Guess you could say people with irregular periods go with the flow.

A young woman steps into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself.
She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint, she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, “Yes, it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached.”

Periods help you learn how to get blood off things….
which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught for murder.

What kind of bikes do girls ride?
Menstrual cycles.

Period: Guess who’s back… back again…
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

Applying for a loan:

“Okay, let’s start with your name.”

“James”

“And your surname?”

“Sir James”

Фирочка была настолько красивой, шо у Льва Марковича невольно сжался бумажник…

Don't tell people to respect their elders. Be an elder worth respecting.

They say that eating palm leaves can cure constipation.
With fronds like that, who needs enemas?

What is an elevator’s favorite exercise?
Push-ups!

Фима и Веня курят на балконе.
Вдруг, откуда-то снизу доносится "Ох@ели совсем!"
- Фима, вы слышали?
- Ой, не знаю по какому поводу, но в целом я таки согласен...

My husband just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it is very deep.

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows.
Signed: Ben the ornithologist.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean.

I'm doing a free Bra give away.
Send me a picture of your tits and I'll see if there's something that fits you.

What do you call an emotional Breast Cancer commercial?
Titty Pity.

I've been thinking about getting cat faces tattooed around my nipples,
but I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about titty tats.

What do you call someone crazy about boobs?
A chestnut.

Я всегда учусь на ошибках людей, которые следовали моим советам.

I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's boobs
But at the dinner table, it's just rude.

Boy asks his new hot step mother: "What do you feed your baby?" Step mother: "Milk and orange juice." Boy: "Which side is orange juice?"

Having boobs is sort of like having two toddlers hanging out in your bra.
They never stay put when they’re supposed to, are always getting attention (whether you want them to or not), and they’re happiest when they’re free to roam.

Why did the rooster hide the menu from his wife?
He was looking at the chicken breast.

I think breastfeeding in public is unfair.
I was always taught that if you didn’t bring enough food for everyone, you shouldn’t take it out.

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen.
He had a photographic mammary.

I joined the local swim class.
The breaststroke was not what I thought it would be.

“If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.” — @randomnloveit

I was once slapped in the face by a girl with 12 nipples.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What do you call the moisture on the chest of a very large-breasted woman?
Mountain Dew.

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.”

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.
This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

A friend is like a good bra.
They’re hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lift you up, and always close to your heart!

What did the baby say to the mama?
“I don’t always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.”

What do train sets and boobs have in common?
They’re both meant for children, but grown-ups love them.

What is the origin of the word “Boob”?
The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, and the “b” is the side view.

I love you with all my boobs.
They’re much bigger than my heart.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.
It was just her kneecap.

What’s the boob’s favorite swimming style?
The breaststroke.

Why is paying for a boob job like buying a soda?
Nobody wants either to end up flat.

You don’t need to pay for a bra to get boob support.
There’s plenty of people out there who would volunteer to hold your boobs for free.

The existence of boobs proves one thing:
Guys can focus on two things at once.

What do boobs and friends have in common?
Some are big, some are small, some are real, and some are fake.

What happened to the man who slipped on a bra?
He fell into a booby trap!

Time is like cleavage.
The more you squeeze them together, the more you get.

What’s a boob’s favorite snack?
Chestnuts.

What did the boob tell the other boob?
“You’re my breast friend.”

Why do women have nipples?
To make suckers out of men.