Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean.

I'm doing a free Bra give away.
Send me a picture of your tits and I'll see if there's something that fits you.

What do you call an emotional Breast Cancer commercial?
Titty Pity.

I've been thinking about getting cat faces tattooed around my nipples,
but I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about titty tats.

What do you call someone crazy about boobs?
A chestnut.

Я всегда учусь на ошибках людей, которые следовали моим советам.

I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's boobs
But at the dinner table, it's just rude.

Boy asks his new hot step mother: "What do you feed your baby?" Step mother: "Milk and orange juice." Boy: "Which side is orange juice?"

Having boobs is sort of like having two toddlers hanging out in your bra.
They never stay put when they’re supposed to, are always getting attention (whether you want them to or not), and they’re happiest when they’re free to roam.

Why did the rooster hide the menu from his wife?
He was looking at the chicken breast.

I think breastfeeding in public is unfair.
I was always taught that if you didn’t bring enough food for everyone, you shouldn’t take it out.

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen.
He had a photographic mammary.

I joined the local swim class.
The breaststroke was not what I thought it would be.

“If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.” — @randomnloveit

I was once slapped in the face by a girl with 12 nipples.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What do you call the moisture on the chest of a very large-breasted woman?
Mountain Dew.

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.”

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.
This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

A friend is like a good bra.
They’re hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lift you up, and always close to your heart!

What did the baby say to the mama?
“I don’t always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.”

What do train sets and boobs have in common?
They’re both meant for children, but grown-ups love them.

What is the origin of the word “Boob”?
The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, and the “b” is the side view.

I love you with all my boobs.
They’re much bigger than my heart.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.
It was just her kneecap.

What’s the boob’s favorite swimming style?
The breaststroke.

Why is paying for a boob job like buying a soda?
Nobody wants either to end up flat.

You don’t need to pay for a bra to get boob support.
There’s plenty of people out there who would volunteer to hold your boobs for free.

The existence of boobs proves one thing:
Guys can focus on two things at once.

What do boobs and friends have in common?
Some are big, some are small, some are real, and some are fake.

What happened to the man who slipped on a bra?
He fell into a booby trap!

Time is like cleavage.
The more you squeeze them together, the more you get.

What’s a boob’s favorite snack?
Chestnuts.

What did the boob tell the other boob?
“You’re my breast friend.”

Why do women have nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Where do bras get lunch?
At a breastaurant.

What does an 80-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 20-year-old doesn’t?
Her belly button.

What do a push-up bra and a bag of chips have in common?
When you open them, they’re both half empty.

What do you call two identical pairs of breasts?
Identitties.

What did the bra say to the hat?
“Go on a head. I’ll give these two a lift.”

What do you call the space between two enlarged breasts?
Silicon valley.

What type of bees make milk?
Boobies!

I heard it takes at least five sheep to make a sweater, i didn't even know sheep could knit.

My wife is slowly getting over her obsession with The New Kids On The Block.
It's a step by step process.

Социальные лифты у нас есть, и они прекрасно работают.
Просто не все могут купить квартиру в том здании, где они установлены.

Интеллектуал должен отличать Гоголя от Гегеля, Гегеля от Бебеля, Бебеля от Бабеля, Бабеля от кабеля...

My brothers inability to find a parking space is really starting to effect him.
Poor guy, he's going through a Lot right now.

Деньги, Изя, избавляют человека от желаний. А желания от денег…

A scientist and his apprentice go out for lunch, when asked what they want to drink the scientist says 'H2O please.'.
The apprentice agrees and says ' I'll have H2O too.'
Then sadly, the apprentice died.

What kind of bone will a dog never chew?
A tromBONE!

What if birds are just drones and they sit on electric wire to recharge ?

Яков Моисеевич, будучи в подпитии, зарядил мышеловку тысячной купюрой. У тёщи сломаны три пальца.

the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

Макдональдс - это как онанизм. Все там жрут, но никто не признаётся.

Ходила к Олегу на свидание. Квартира тоже маленькая...

Scientists recently discovered a feline-like creature living on Mars! Unfortunately, one of their rovers ran it over…
Curiosity killed the cat.

Всегда так: как оргазм — так во сне, а как понос — так наяву.

My job sorting broken cookies is not going as planned … it’s a crumby job but I let the chips fall where they may.

How did the sheep get to sleep?
She counted her friends!

Where do horses go when they are sick...to horsepital!

I admitted to my girlfriend that I have become obsessed with Spanish Football, she said “why don’t you get a real hobby?” I said “it’s pronounced ‘Ray-al”

A neighbour came round yesterday and borrowed one of my favourite tools. I let him take it but it was quite a wrench.

I started my own garbage business, i'm now filthy rich.

Fishing License? That's just dumb.
You can't even drive a fish.

I've just written a book on cats!
Although it would have been so much easier if I'd written it on paper.

What country is Elon Musk from? Mad-at-gas-car.

What do you call a homosexual nun?

Nun the les.

I read somewhere that WD40 is good for keeping mice out of the garden. Well I tried it and it doesn't work, however they have now stopped squeaking.

Why do laptops overheat
even though they have windows in them?

Yesterday my doctor told me my sugars were too high. So, I went home and moved it to a lower shelf!!!

When avenging a wrong, it's best to be Loki about it.....

Психологу намного проще поднять самооценку и уверенность человеку, который может позволить себе психолога.

Бдительный охранник обнаружил две ошибки в сканворде.

What do they call a man with 3 wooden heads ..Edwood Wood Wood 😆
What do they call a man with 4 wooden heads..I don't know but I bet Edwood Wood Wood would 😆

When’s the worst time to get a heart attack?
When you’re playing Charades with a group of friends,
and it’s your turn!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!!

Neil Diamond is very popular in one European country. Their favorite song is Swede Caroline....

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

A ham walked out of the hospital and said "I'm cured".

Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?

What do you call a book written by a nun?

Nun-fiction.