Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

„Молитва должна оставаться без ответа, иначе она перестаёт быть молитвой и становится перепиской.“ — Оскар Уайльд

Oil jokes are just a form of crude humour

Another failed seniors hook up site: Carbon Dating.

I had to return the brightly colored buckets my wife had me buy. Apparently she now prefers a whiter shade of pail…

My son's name is Noah and I jokingly tell people his middle name is Fence. No one ever gets it.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff.

Why is the letter 'N' The biggest show-off in the alphabet? Because it loves being the centre of attention.

What do you get when you combine country and rap music?
Crap.

Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
They give him good case ideas.

“Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.”
- Barney Stinson

В религии оно ведь как, на ком сутана, тот и - инквизитор.

Объявление:
- Меняю одного 50-летнего мужа на двух 25-то летних. С доплатой.

My aunt used to sell candy at every ELO concert.

She's a sweet talkin' woman.

Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

Девушка, как яблоко, достаётся не тому, кто смотрит, а тому кто потрясёт.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

Если долго упорствовать с эмиграцией, можно не успеть с эвакуацией.
Тётя Роза.

Why shouldn't you tell jokes on a frozen lake? It might crack up.

Why is it easy to buy clothes for psychics?

Because they're all medium.

My son said to me "is it Summer out in the ocean?", i said "do yo mean the sea son"

What do you call two men standing in a window?
Curt and Rod.

This summer I want to learn how to fish. Then I want to learn how to duck, then how to dog, and if there’s time, how to rabbit.

холодное пиво в разы лучше холодных отношений

— Роза Моисеевна, если Вас пугает Ваш возраст, попробуйте перевести его на доллары… И Вы поймёте, как это мало!

I didn't wanna buy the swing.
But the salesman was so pushy and I'm easily swayed.

Turning your passion into your profession is kinda like setting your favorite song as your alarm.

My wife says if I can't curb my obsession with astronomy, she will leave me.
What planet is she on?

My wife was so upset I shrunk her sweater in the dryer that she didn’t notice I washed it in the dishwasher.

What tastes better than it smells?
A tongue!

Do you masturbate with your left hand, cause it doesn't feel right ?

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

I hear the wine industry is just crushing the grape industry!

- Ты могла бы полюбить радикала?
- Ради чего?!!

I know a lady who's a huge fan of The Cars.
She's my best friend's girlfriend.

Циклопы обсуждают проблемы между собой только с глазу на глаз.

Секрет хороших отношений в плохой памяти.

Психолог посоветовал Васе не переживать, и Вася не пережил...

Tener el pelo rizado es como tener un gato, tienes que asumir que va a hacer lo que le da la gana y que es él el que te controla a ti, no tú a él.

Don't you just hate it when people forget what they're meant to say at weddings?
I know I do.

If you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas....

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
Avvapooie.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...

My best game of Scrabble ever.

My lawyer friend quit his job to work in a restaurant. Now he's a sue chef.

I got food posioning yesterday...

I haven't used it yet.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning...

I kept getting calls from a pest control service. I told them to stop bugging me!

Got Debt? Just Become Rich.

A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstances.
~Hunter S. Thompson

Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.

- Rudyard Kipling

I subscribed to a magazine but it never arrived. When I called to let them know, they asked me if I had any issues. When I said no, they thanked me and hung up!

What is the Abbreviation for Abbreviation ?

I’ll tell you what really catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.

Kentucky, we don't
ask"did you eat yet ?"We just ask,
"Jeet ? "
And I think that's beautiful.

I feel bad for my Friend!
He Builds Spiral Staircases!
His business is so Up and Down, all Around!

Do you know where eggs live before they are laid?
In a Chick inn.

Contains vinegar, molasses, sugar, salt, fruit, herbs & spices.
This information has been obtained from several reliable sauces.

If someone is annoying you, ask them if they want some cheese with their whine!

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.
Bilbo is 7' 6" now....

I was cleaning my flat today when I thought...
Why don't I just buy a new tire?

What does Missy Elliott say when she's selling ice creams?
Get your free cone.

I guess it makes sense for worship leaders to wear jeans.

In the Bible, the musicians at the Temple were all in the tribe of Levi's.

- Дело не в тебе, дело во мне! Ты же не виновата в том, что мне не нравятся скучные и толстые девушки...

Q: Why would you suggest programming to anyone?

A: So he/she can enjoy programming jokes & memes.

When you're home alone and realize you can walk around naked.

Remember to close the blinds first.

I filed a complaint about my tailor- it was a terrible suit.

I dropped some mint candy on my foot, now i have a tic-tac toe.

I'm not a Huey Lewis fan, but I go to their concerts because my wife likes them.

That's the power of love.

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

I went to the flea market today. After looking at all the stalls, I left disappointed. They didn't have any.....

My brain surgeon botched the operation. I tried giving him a piece of my mind, but it turns out he already had one.

I had to give up my job at the cup factory as i was making beakers instead of cups, i just couldn't handle it.

Who cleans the ocean and seas?

The mermaid of course!

3 words to describe me
"Im not good with maths"

Государство всегда придет к тебе на выручку...
Конечно, если выручка у тебя есть.

I ran a half-marathon...

Sounds much better than saying I quit halfway through a marathon...

Hey, Did you hear about the guy who ripped a hole in the carpet to see the floor-show?

«Бывают времена, когда люди принимают коллективную вонь за единство духа». Фазиль Искандер

— За что вы меня задержали?
— За сопротивление при задержании.

How do people get bodies in a suitcase? It takes me all my time to get 3 shirts and a couple of pairs of pants in!