Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Циклопы обсуждают проблемы между собой только с глазу на глаз.

Секрет хороших отношений в плохой памяти.

Психолог посоветовал Васе не переживать, и Вася не пережил...

Tener el pelo rizado es como tener un gato, tienes que asumir que va a hacer lo que le da la gana y que es él el que te controla a ti, no tú a él.

Don't you just hate it when people forget what they're meant to say at weddings?
I know I do.

If you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas....

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
Avvapooie.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...

My best game of Scrabble ever.

My lawyer friend quit his job to work in a restaurant. Now he's a sue chef.

I got food posioning yesterday...

I haven't used it yet.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning...

I kept getting calls from a pest control service. I told them to stop bugging me!

Got Debt? Just Become Rich.

A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstances.
~Hunter S. Thompson

Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.

- Rudyard Kipling

I subscribed to a magazine but it never arrived. When I called to let them know, they asked me if I had any issues. When I said no, they thanked me and hung up!

What is the Abbreviation for Abbreviation ?

I’ll tell you what really catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.

Kentucky, we don't
ask"did you eat yet ?"We just ask,
"Jeet ? "
And I think that's beautiful.

I feel bad for my Friend!
He Builds Spiral Staircases!
His business is so Up and Down, all Around!

Do you know where eggs live before they are laid?
In a Chick inn.

Contains vinegar, molasses, sugar, salt, fruit, herbs & spices.
This information has been obtained from several reliable sauces.

If someone is annoying you, ask them if they want some cheese with their whine!

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.
Bilbo is 7' 6" now....

I was cleaning my flat today when I thought...
Why don't I just buy a new tire?

What does Missy Elliott say when she's selling ice creams?
Get your free cone.

I guess it makes sense for worship leaders to wear jeans.

In the Bible, the musicians at the Temple were all in the tribe of Levi's.

- Дело не в тебе, дело во мне! Ты же не виновата в том, что мне не нравятся скучные и толстые девушки...

Q: Why would you suggest programming to anyone?

A: So he/she can enjoy programming jokes & memes.

When you're home alone and realize you can walk around naked.

Remember to close the blinds first.

I filed a complaint about my tailor- it was a terrible suit.

I dropped some mint candy on my foot, now i have a tic-tac toe.

I'm not a Huey Lewis fan, but I go to their concerts because my wife likes them.

That's the power of love.

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

I went to the flea market today. After looking at all the stalls, I left disappointed. They didn't have any.....

My brain surgeon botched the operation. I tried giving him a piece of my mind, but it turns out he already had one.

I had to give up my job at the cup factory as i was making beakers instead of cups, i just couldn't handle it.

Who cleans the ocean and seas?

The mermaid of course!

3 words to describe me
"Im not good with maths"

Государство всегда придет к тебе на выручку...
Конечно, если выручка у тебя есть.

I ran a half-marathon...

Sounds much better than saying I quit halfway through a marathon...

Hey, Did you hear about the guy who ripped a hole in the carpet to see the floor-show?

«Бывают времена, когда люди принимают коллективную вонь за единство духа». Фазиль Искандер

— За что вы меня задержали?
— За сопротивление при задержании.

How do people get bodies in a suitcase? It takes me all my time to get 3 shirts and a couple of pairs of pants in!

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

I'm not an organ donor,
But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the fucking car, pal".

My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe that?
Not going to lie, Ghana miss her though!

I made a graph showing my past relationships.

It has an eX axis and a whY axis.

Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

— зачем вы наняли на работу короеда?? он ничего не умеет!
— ОН ЗАКОНЧИЛ ЕЛЬ!!!

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends and lovers before me.!
She always calls me her sixty second lover.!!

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

A key ring is a useful device that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Neil Diamond was born ‘Neil Coal’. But the pressure got to him.

Why can’t the British pronounce the ‘T’ in they’re name???
They lost all they’re ‘Tea’ in Boston!

A lady put an ad in the paper : Mercedes for Sale - $1
No one believed it could be true so only one old man responded and went to see the car.
The lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't
tell me why this car was sold so cheaply?"
The lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the Will of my deceased husband, where
it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his secretary...."

This guy came up to me in the street and called me a chicken.
I didn't want any trouble, so I crossed the road.

Online classes are becoming like episodes of Dora the explorer, they ask a question, wait for 10 seconds, answer it themselves and move on.

Иногда человек ведёт себя как дебил, когда он влюблён. Но чаще всего человек ведёт себя как дебил, когда он дебил.

My wife is worried that I'll be late to The Eagles concert.
I told her to take it easy cause I'm already gone.

Me - “We’re having a baby!”
Friend - “Aww, is it a girl or a boy?”
Me - “Yes, what else could it be..?”

She's a forest queen to others,
but a big Miss Tree to me.

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.

I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-face.

If You Need A Job Just Do Porn.

If you are ever going to climb the mountains between France and Spain you will need strong legs and a good pyrenees.

Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.

I’d like to learn how to water ski this summer. Does anyone know where I can find a lake with a slope on it?

Mexico Is Just Spain With Drugs.

Чем мужчина убедительней, тем женщина должна быть бдительней.

Depression Is Just Reverse Happiness.

My nose is the scenter of my face.

Why don't you see the energizer bunny's dad?

He went to the shop to get some milk and kept going, and going, and going.

I rang the doctors’ surgery:

Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor?

Receptionist: Which doctor?

Me: No, a medical one please.

I used to think of my wife’s parents as being like buried treasure.

The police needed a map and a shovel to find them too....