Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

I'm not an organ donor,
But I once have an old piano to the Salvation Army.

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the fucking car, pal".

My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe that?
Not going to lie, Ghana miss her though!

I made a graph showing my past relationships.

It has an eX axis and a whY axis.

Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

— зачем вы наняли на работу короеда?? он ничего не умеет!
— ОН ЗАКОНЧИЛ ЕЛЬ!!!

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends and lovers before me.!
She always calls me her sixty second lover.!!

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

A key ring is a useful device that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Neil Diamond was born ‘Neil Coal’. But the pressure got to him.

Why can’t the British pronounce the ‘T’ in they’re name???
They lost all they’re ‘Tea’ in Boston!

A lady put an ad in the paper : Mercedes for Sale - $1
No one believed it could be true so only one old man responded and went to see the car.
The lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't
tell me why this car was sold so cheaply?"
The lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the Will of my deceased husband, where
it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his secretary...."

This guy came up to me in the street and called me a chicken.
I didn't want any trouble, so I crossed the road.

Online classes are becoming like episodes of Dora the explorer, they ask a question, wait for 10 seconds, answer it themselves and move on.

Иногда человек ведёт себя как дебил, когда он влюблён. Но чаще всего человек ведёт себя как дебил, когда он дебил.

My wife is worried that I'll be late to The Eagles concert.
I told her to take it easy cause I'm already gone.

Me - “We’re having a baby!”
Friend - “Aww, is it a girl or a boy?”
Me - “Yes, what else could it be..?”

She's a forest queen to others,
but a big Miss Tree to me.

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.

I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-face.

If You Need A Job Just Do Porn.

If you are ever going to climb the mountains between France and Spain you will need strong legs and a good pyrenees.

Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.

I’d like to learn how to water ski this summer. Does anyone know where I can find a lake with a slope on it?

Mexico Is Just Spain With Drugs.

Чем мужчина убедительней, тем женщина должна быть бдительней.

Depression Is Just Reverse Happiness.

My nose is the scenter of my face.

Why don't you see the energizer bunny's dad?

He went to the shop to get some milk and kept going, and going, and going.

I rang the doctors’ surgery:

Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor?

Receptionist: Which doctor?

Me: No, a medical one please.

I used to think of my wife’s parents as being like buried treasure.

The police needed a map and a shovel to find them too....

If you could drive your car at the speed of light,
Would your headlights work...?

I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing.

My new Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. !!
Its great, because she fetches my newspaper and slippers afterwards.!!

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Формула успеха - это всего лишь одно из неизвестных в формуле счастья.

10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something.

Искал на работе справедливость. Теперь ищу новую работу.

What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A NAVI-gator.

I had a camera inserted internally today.
It was pretty uncomfortable, but fair play, I was rude to the wedding photographer…

— Вы на следующей выходите?
— Да.
— Хорошо, а то надоели уже.

Заявление от Рабиновича Якова Моисеевича:
«Прошу направить меня на курсы повышения заработной платы»

- А зачем тебе на кухне шило?
- Это штопор стёрся!

My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”

Lately I'm jogging wearing flip flops, just because I miss the sound of having sex.

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on, now she is mad at me! Don’t know why. Sand is really hard to write on!

Work in silence let your success make the noise.

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

My girlfriend is on the Cyclops diet.

She's always got one eye on the fridge.!!!!

What’s the worst thing about being married?
THE WIVES.

My girlfriend awoke and said she dreamed she was a small sailboat...
I replied, "well, you've always been a little dinghy!"

“I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”
- Henry David Thoreau

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.

How many times do you have to click "i accept cookies" before they send you the cookies?

I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to nookie...
As I stripped off I said to her: "You must have seen a few dicks where you work?
how do you rate mine?"
She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most i see."
I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"
"I'm a Midwife." she says!!

I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.

Why did the apple turnover? Because it saw the jelly roll!

What do you call a medieval warrior who uses WD-40 on his armor?
A silent knight....

Q: How do you cure water on the brain?
A: With a tap on the head.

"Just one more drink and then I'm outta here," is one of my favorite lies.

If he's ousted as Prime Minister of Israel, Bibi could take up a new hobby and be known as Knittin-yahu....

Just started an online exaggeration club.
So far it has nearly 3 million members.

If coffee and tea get married
And the tea leaves
Does coffee have grounds for divorce?

I’m in a mixed marriage. My wife is female and I’m a male. But it works for us.

You can say what you want about glue sniffers but at least they stick together.

- Тебе в этом году в школу, сынок.
- Знаю, мама: и зачем я только пошел в педагогический?

I've started giving random people names based on shops..

You could be Next.

I've gotten rid of most of the emotional baggage I used to carry around.
Now I just carry a griefcase.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress...
I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on.

My cat lost his tail in an accident. But I was able to get him a new one at a retail store.

Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

История России — борьба невежества с несправедливостью.
/М.Жванецкий/

Why do babies want to use the internet?
So they can Google Gaga!!

What did you call your son studying Law at the university??

My 'Son in law'

Marriage is an institution but who wants to be institutionalized?