Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you could drive your car at the speed of light,
Would your headlights work...?

I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing.

My new Girlfriend likes it Doggy Style. !!
Its great, because she fetches my newspaper and slippers afterwards.!!

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Формула успеха - это всего лишь одно из неизвестных в формуле счастья.

10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something.

Искал на работе справедливость. Теперь ищу новую работу.

What do you call an alligator with GPS?
A NAVI-gator.

I had a camera inserted internally today.
It was pretty uncomfortable, but fair play, I was rude to the wedding photographer…

— Вы на следующей выходите?
— Да.
— Хорошо, а то надоели уже.

Заявление от Рабиновича Якова Моисеевича:
«Прошу направить меня на курсы повышения заработной платы»

- А зачем тебе на кухне шило?
- Это штопор стёрся!

My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”

Lately I'm jogging wearing flip flops, just because I miss the sound of having sex.

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on, now she is mad at me! Don’t know why. Sand is really hard to write on!

Work in silence let your success make the noise.

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?"

the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, i know you're in that basket!"

My girlfriend is on the Cyclops diet.

She's always got one eye on the fridge.!!!!

What’s the worst thing about being married?
THE WIVES.

My girlfriend awoke and said she dreamed she was a small sailboat...
I replied, "well, you've always been a little dinghy!"

“I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”
- Henry David Thoreau

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.

How many times do you have to click "i accept cookies" before they send you the cookies?

I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to nookie...
As I stripped off I said to her: "You must have seen a few dicks where you work?
how do you rate mine?"
She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most i see."
I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"
"I'm a Midwife." she says!!

I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.

Why did the apple turnover? Because it saw the jelly roll!

What do you call a medieval warrior who uses WD-40 on his armor?
A silent knight....

Q: How do you cure water on the brain?
A: With a tap on the head.

"Just one more drink and then I'm outta here," is one of my favorite lies.

If he's ousted as Prime Minister of Israel, Bibi could take up a new hobby and be known as Knittin-yahu....

Just started an online exaggeration club.
So far it has nearly 3 million members.

If coffee and tea get married
And the tea leaves
Does coffee have grounds for divorce?

I’m in a mixed marriage. My wife is female and I’m a male. But it works for us.

You can say what you want about glue sniffers but at least they stick together.

- Тебе в этом году в школу, сынок.
- Знаю, мама: и зачем я только пошел в педагогический?

I've started giving random people names based on shops..

You could be Next.

I've gotten rid of most of the emotional baggage I used to carry around.
Now I just carry a griefcase.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress...
I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on.

My cat lost his tail in an accident. But I was able to get him a new one at a retail store.

Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.

История России — борьба невежества с несправедливостью.
/М.Жванецкий/

Why do babies want to use the internet?
So they can Google Gaga!!

What did you call your son studying Law at the university??

My 'Son in law'

Marriage is an institution but who wants to be institutionalized?

Finding a life partner is like putting down linoleum: lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married, and then it was too late..

First, the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring and then the Suffering.

Jesus walks into a hotel

Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge......footprints in the butter.

I love eating skittles. Although I've been banned from my local bowling alley.

Ooooh oooooh said the cow with no lips...

Put on a condom, for fucks sake!

The baker from Stockholm loved to bake cakes, he was a Sweetish chef.

Толстый продавец лифчиков ненавидит фразу: "Ну, приблизительно как у вас".

This bloke asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from.
I said, not off the top of my head...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist......
That kid didn't help me at all.

I love salad!

Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.

What did one Japanese man say to the other?

I've no idea—I don't speak Japanese.

- Изя, ты тоже заметил, как скоро из концепции либеральной империи исчезло слово «либеральная»?

Wife: "I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is?"
Scaring men is easy.

Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
-
-
From jumping out of trees.

Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also It's biggest import.

The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I love that Beach Boys song about the girl with the mahogany breasts !!
If you don't know it I think it's called "Wooden Tit Be Nice "

What did the stamp say to the envelope.....stick with me and you'll go places!!

We had trouble with our wedding photos, my wife insisted she be in them.

For some odd reason, every June 1st, I feel dismayed.

My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.

I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time...”

College is a fountain of knowledge ... where students go to drink.

Человек создан для счастья, как птица для бульона.

What's the opposite of 'belittle'?

Be large.

Why is it that whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

Just emailed my application into the Local Lonely Hearts Club with a recent photo and they've returned it all saying .........
' We're not that fuckin lonely ' !!!!

I got a new job as a litter picker recently, but I was given absolutely no training.

You were just expected to pick it up as you went along.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white. Don't ask me how I found that out.

Не так страшен палач, как отвратительны зрители.