Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Социальные лифты у нас есть, и они прекрасно работают.
Просто не все могут купить квартиру в том здании, где они установлены.

Интеллектуал должен отличать Гоголя от Гегеля, Гегеля от Бебеля, Бебеля от Бабеля, Бабеля от кабеля...

My brothers inability to find a parking space is really starting to effect him.
Poor guy, he's going through a Lot right now.

Деньги, Изя, избавляют человека от желаний. А желания от денег…

A scientist and his apprentice go out for lunch, when asked what they want to drink the scientist says 'H2O please.'.
The apprentice agrees and says ' I'll have H2O too.'
Then sadly, the apprentice died.

What kind of bone will a dog never chew?
A tromBONE!

What if birds are just drones and they sit on electric wire to recharge ?

Яков Моисеевич, будучи в подпитии, зарядил мышеловку тысячной купюрой. У тёщи сломаны три пальца.

the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

Макдональдс - это как онанизм. Все там жрут, но никто не признаётся.

Ходила к Олегу на свидание. Квартира тоже маленькая...

Scientists recently discovered a feline-like creature living on Mars! Unfortunately, one of their rovers ran it over…
Curiosity killed the cat.

Всегда так: как оргазм — так во сне, а как понос — так наяву.

My job sorting broken cookies is not going as planned … it’s a crumby job but I let the chips fall where they may.

How did the sheep get to sleep?
She counted her friends!

Where do horses go when they are sick...to horsepital!

I admitted to my girlfriend that I have become obsessed with Spanish Football, she said “why don’t you get a real hobby?” I said “it’s pronounced ‘Ray-al”

A neighbour came round yesterday and borrowed one of my favourite tools. I let him take it but it was quite a wrench.

I started my own garbage business, i'm now filthy rich.

Fishing License? That's just dumb.
You can't even drive a fish.

I've just written a book on cats!
Although it would have been so much easier if I'd written it on paper.

What country is Elon Musk from? Mad-at-gas-car.

What do you call a homosexual nun?

Nun the les.

I read somewhere that WD40 is good for keeping mice out of the garden. Well I tried it and it doesn't work, however they have now stopped squeaking.

Why do laptops overheat
even though they have windows in them?

Yesterday my doctor told me my sugars were too high. So, I went home and moved it to a lower shelf!!!

When avenging a wrong, it's best to be Loki about it.....

Психологу намного проще поднять самооценку и уверенность человеку, который может позволить себе психолога.

Бдительный охранник обнаружил две ошибки в сканворде.

What do they call a man with 3 wooden heads ..Edwood Wood Wood 😆
What do they call a man with 4 wooden heads..I don't know but I bet Edwood Wood Wood would 😆

When’s the worst time to get a heart attack?
When you’re playing Charades with a group of friends,
and it’s your turn!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!!

Neil Diamond is very popular in one European country. Their favorite song is Swede Caroline....

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

A ham walked out of the hospital and said "I'm cured".

Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?

What do you call a book written by a nun?

Nun-fiction.

„Молитва должна оставаться без ответа, иначе она перестаёт быть молитвой и становится перепиской.“ — Оскар Уайльд

Oil jokes are just a form of crude humour

Another failed seniors hook up site: Carbon Dating.

I had to return the brightly colored buckets my wife had me buy. Apparently she now prefers a whiter shade of pail…

My son's name is Noah and I jokingly tell people his middle name is Fence. No one ever gets it.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff.

Why is the letter 'N' The biggest show-off in the alphabet? Because it loves being the centre of attention.

What do you get when you combine country and rap music?
Crap.

Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
They give him good case ideas.

“Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.”
- Barney Stinson

В религии оно ведь как, на ком сутана, тот и - инквизитор.

Объявление:
- Меняю одного 50-летнего мужа на двух 25-то летних. С доплатой.

My aunt used to sell candy at every ELO concert.

She's a sweet talkin' woman.

Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

Девушка, как яблоко, достаётся не тому, кто смотрит, а тому кто потрясёт.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

Если долго упорствовать с эмиграцией, можно не успеть с эвакуацией.
Тётя Роза.

Why shouldn't you tell jokes on a frozen lake? It might crack up.

Why is it easy to buy clothes for psychics?

Because they're all medium.

My son said to me "is it Summer out in the ocean?", i said "do yo mean the sea son"

What do you call two men standing in a window?
Curt and Rod.

This summer I want to learn how to fish. Then I want to learn how to duck, then how to dog, and if there’s time, how to rabbit.

холодное пиво в разы лучше холодных отношений

— Роза Моисеевна, если Вас пугает Ваш возраст, попробуйте перевести его на доллары… И Вы поймёте, как это мало!

I didn't wanna buy the swing.
But the salesman was so pushy and I'm easily swayed.

Turning your passion into your profession is kinda like setting your favorite song as your alarm.

My wife says if I can't curb my obsession with astronomy, she will leave me.
What planet is she on?

My wife was so upset I shrunk her sweater in the dryer that she didn’t notice I washed it in the dishwasher.

What tastes better than it smells?
A tongue!

Do you masturbate with your left hand, cause it doesn't feel right ?

My gf and I watched 3 movies back to back the other nite. I said next time she can be the one facing the TV .

I hear the wine industry is just crushing the grape industry!

- Ты могла бы полюбить радикала?
- Ради чего?!!

I know a lady who's a huge fan of The Cars.
She's my best friend's girlfriend.

Циклопы обсуждают проблемы между собой только с глазу на глаз.

Секрет хороших отношений в плохой памяти.

Психолог посоветовал Васе не переживать, и Вася не пережил...

Tener el pelo rizado es como tener un gato, tienes que asumir que va a hacer lo que le da la gana y que es él el que te controla a ti, no tú a él.

Don't you just hate it when people forget what they're meant to say at weddings?
I know I do.

If you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas....

The best place in Wales to toilet your dog?
Avvapooie.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...

My best game of Scrabble ever.

My lawyer friend quit his job to work in a restaurant. Now he's a sue chef.