Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Finding a life partner is like putting down linoleum: lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married, and then it was too late..

First, the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring and then the Suffering.

Jesus walks into a hotel

Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge......footprints in the butter.

I love eating skittles. Although I've been banned from my local bowling alley.

Ooooh oooooh said the cow with no lips...

Put on a condom, for fucks sake!

The baker from Stockholm loved to bake cakes, he was a Sweetish chef.

Толстый продавец лифчиков ненавидит фразу: "Ну, приблизительно как у вас".

This bloke asked me if I’d any idea where he could get a new wig from.
I said, not off the top of my head...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist......
That kid didn't help me at all.

I love salad!

Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.

What did one Japanese man say to the other?

I've no idea—I don't speak Japanese.

- Изя, ты тоже заметил, как скоро из концепции либеральной империи исчезло слово «либеральная»?

Wife: "I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is?"
Scaring men is easy.

Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
-
-
From jumping out of trees.

Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also It's biggest import.

The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I love that Beach Boys song about the girl with the mahogany breasts !!
If you don't know it I think it's called "Wooden Tit Be Nice "

What did the stamp say to the envelope.....stick with me and you'll go places!!

We had trouble with our wedding photos, my wife insisted she be in them.

For some odd reason, every June 1st, I feel dismayed.

My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.

I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time...”

College is a fountain of knowledge ... where students go to drink.

Человек создан для счастья, как птица для бульона.

What's the opposite of 'belittle'?

Be large.

Why is it that whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

Just emailed my application into the Local Lonely Hearts Club with a recent photo and they've returned it all saying .........
' We're not that fuckin lonely ' !!!!

I got a new job as a litter picker recently, but I was given absolutely no training.

You were just expected to pick it up as you went along.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white. Don't ask me how I found that out.

Не так страшен палач, как отвратительны зрители.

I've deviced a new labour saving idea. It's called Tomorrow!

— Крым наш!
— А богатства родины?
— А вот это уже экстремизм!

I met a really great Dairy farmer in Qatar.
He was a Milk Sheikh.

The pilot who thought he was above everyone else has a real altitude problem.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... It makes the girlfriend look like she's moving during sex !!

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die murdered or in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Anyone know any football jokes? I’ll, er, kick it off.

*throws butter out the window*

Me: look at that butterfly.

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my three brothers...

Q: Why can't you prosecute someone for stealing 23 cans of beer?
A: You won't have a case.

Kinda sexy how you put those handcuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: WTF is wrong with you.

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch.
Teacher asked him what's wrong.
Embarrased, he said he'd just been circumcised & was really itchy. !
Teacher told him to go and phone his mum for advice.
He comes back with his cock hangin out!
Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing"?
"Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come & get me.

I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Wonton .

“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.”
— Seneca

To kill a French vampire you must drive a baguette through its heart...
It may sound easy,
but it's *pain'staking*.

I'm fed up with food puns.

Clint Eastwood opened up a child care center.
It's called "Go Ahead And Make My Daycare".

Took my car in for a service earlier. Should’ve seen the look I got off the priest.

Генеральному директору требуется помощница. Главное требование -стать его правой рукой.

Some guy at a pet store tried to sell me a spider. Ridiculous. I can get one much cheaper off the web.

Someone called my cellphone, and when I answered they coughed and sneezed before hanging up... Not the first cold call I’ve received recently.

Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance, you must keep moving

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts.

What religion are doctors?
Orthodocs.

Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.

Иногда я думаю, а как далеко заходят лысые, когда просто решают умыть лицо...

When making bean soup you should only use two hundred and thirty nine beans.
If you used one more it would be two farty.

Dad: Wanna go fishing with me?

Son: No. You never catch anything.

Dad: It’s not called Catching. It’s called Fishing.

Why is it called a "building" when it's already built???

I tried my first soft drink. It was sodalicious!

Одна девочка заблудилась в лесу и от страха дала дубу.

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won’t believe what happened next.

What do you call a Cow on a Elevator.
Raising the steaks.

- Доктор, почему я чувствую себя вялым и слабым?
- Вы просто вялый слабак.

- Почему математики не играют в лотерею?
- Потому что они её придумали.

How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.

Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards?
I said, “not now”...

Do you build a house by constructing it? Or
Do you construct a house by building it?

У живущих в жопе кругозор ограничен диаметром ануса.

Dentist: "You need a crown."
-
Me: "Finally someone who understands!"

Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

"Es mejor ser rey de tu silencio que esclavo de tus palabras."

Where in Ireland would you find the most South Park fans? Kilkenny.

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."