Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have two shifts!

My son asked me, "What does déjà vu mean?"

I said, "I have a feeling you asked me this before!"

Lesbians shouldn't be able to buy dildos....you made your choice live with it.

Study finds 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman.

A dick a day keeps the vibrator away.

How does a graphic designer like their coffee?

#000000.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

The government no longer needs the police to enforce tyrannical rules because brainwashed people have assumed that role themselves.

What do you call a parrot in Antarctica?

A brrrrrd.

I often say to myself, “I can't believe that cloning machine worked!”

I tried imagining a world without alcohol and now I need a drink.

When the CIA kills a member of Al-Qaeda, do agents get the day off to mourn the loss of a coworker?

Leaving a man for cheating is like putting your kids up for adoption for misbehaving.

My Dad keeps buying more land in the Antarctic than he can afford.

He has buy polar disorder.

I always set two wake up alarms... one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am.

We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the press destroys information, religion destroys morals, and our banks destroy the economy.

Plays and movies about female rulers have featured a lot of drama queens.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off the lights, so you can sit together, by the window, and listen to the neighbors fight.

The news is trauma based mind control.

When Chuck Norris walks into a movie theater with his cell phone on, they turn off the movie.

My wife asked me why I call her 12.

Dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.

if you were a child when Red Red Wine was released...

... UB40ish now

In a parallel universe Jesus is turning wine into water. He is NOT popular.

Teacher. "What's the longest sentence you can think of?"
Me. "Life imprisonment. "

I entered a sunbathing competition. I got bronze.

Awful news from my mate and his wife on honeymoon in Croatia.
He's just sent a text saying that tomorrow they're going to Split.

The Pharmaceutical industry DOES NOT create cures, they create customers.

When Chuck Norris finishes shaving, he puts aftershave on his razor.

I have a feng shui joke but I can’t place it.

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

Why do painters never feel cold?

Because they always add more coats when needed.

How do you know when and where to say innuendos and double entendres?

Use your Hintuition.

Why are they called extra-terrestrials?

Surely aliens are less terrestrial than us?

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
~ Plato

The Selective Service System must be abolished and replaced with nothing.

No one should be forced into the state's reckless overseas wars.

Conscription is slavery.

Most Hollywood films have 2 different plots: a dumbed-down one for the public and a hidden one, using occult symbolism, for the 'enlightened'.

Hacking my neighbor’s 3D printer to make a dildo so he can go fuck himself.

"I can fart hard enough to inflate a car tire"

— Elon Musk

My girlfriend hates it when I tweet about my wife.

"If everyone demanded peace instead of a new TV set, then there'd be peace."
~ John Lennon

My ex never wore panties to cookouts....

It kept the flies off the food.

I googled 'Rorchsach Test', but all I got were a load of pornographic pictures.

Teacher. "What's the centre of gravity?"
Me; " V."

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.

Why are gnus cleverer than dogs?

Because you can’t teach an old dog gnu tricks.

Why Do You Never See Baby Pigeons?

Monsters don't eat ghosts because they taste like sheet.

Statisticians believe they can predict football results using Poisson distribution.

"The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything." ~ George Carlin

Never underestimate an underachiever, we're capable of less than you think.

Мужчина - это случайно выживший в детстве мальчик.

Inflation is a "hidden tax" that continually robs us all of our wealth.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

Anything can be a UFO if you’re bad enough at identifying stuff.

When she says "correct me if I'm wrong".
Don't.

Our rights aren't dependent on what the ruling class thinks we "need."

Remember...if all the headlines are identical, it's not news, it's advertising.

Careful. When you say, “A penny for your thoughts” — you might get back change.

The Socialist myth is that wealth is there to be redistributed. The truth is that wealth has to be created.
M.T.

From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her.

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.

Modern slaves are not in chains,
They are in debt.

Me, "Have you seen my TikTok?"
Wife. "It's called a watch; how old are you?"

Truth is treason in the empire of lies.

Why should you get a gamer girl gf?

She can bring joy to your stick.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

I passed a sign that read “falling rocks”. So, I gave it a try, and no it doesn’t.

My Mother In Law has been diagnosed with hay fever & diabetes.

So I've bought her flowers & chocolates to cheer her up.

There was just one employee at the bank today.

Must have been the lone officer.

Touring Rome, one finds many fine restaurants.

The rest is history.

“If you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly you are bad. Morality has aesthetic standards.”

— Nietzsche

Lobsters probably think fish are birds.

Why is 80's music forgetable?

You'd forget everything too when you're 80.

The naughty Smurf pulls down his pants in public once in a blue moon.

Her: I like bad boys.
Me: well you’re gonna hate my dog.

An average person farts 13 times a day.
Finally i am above average at something.

Where on the horse is the radish anyway?

Data science for the money, Statistics for the glory.

Humans can indeed fly but only for a few seconds.

Me: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” her: “why?”

Me: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.