Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The power to tax is the power to steal with impunity.

If an individual robber shouldn't have that power, neither should the state.

State badges and credentials don't moralize theft.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

Overeaters Hotline: 888-888-8888

My brother just got a Star wars tattoo on his cheek.

You should see the Luke on his face.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

We were taught to fear the witches instead of the ones who burned them, and I think that's the problem.

What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry.

Dad, "Son, I named you after my father."
After my father, "I know. "

Her: Babe, can I be a stay at home wife?

Me: I don't care what you do when you get off work.

We were going to meet virtually, but neither of us had any virtue.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

My son: I got a D in my math

Me: That's really bad

My wife: You need to stop doing his homework

I tried dating a mathematician, but her x was impossible to solve.

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

How to know when something won’t be fun:

- Someone will say “come on, it’ll be fun”

People who think their government cares about them probably think strippers love them too.

How to alarm someone:

Say “I don’t mean to alarm you”

I was downtown when approached by a woman!

She said "how would you like to sleep with me for $100."

I said "I am not that tired but I could use the money!"

Some grammar tips.
Doesn't = does not.
They're = they are
You're = you are
My fire= the one desire
Believe= when I say
I want it= that way.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn't great”
Back home: “We won't go there again”

Them: You actually let your dog on the furniture?

Me: I'd let my dog borrow the car if he needed to.

What do software and churches have in common? First we build them, then we pray.
- Elon Musk

Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
No, it's to whom..

My doctor asked me if my dick burned after sex. I told him I'd never tried lighting it.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Roses are red.
Bacon is savory.
The U.S. Tax code is legalized slavery.

Conspiracy joke:
My tinfoil hat has been more effective than your Covid mask.

"The best way to get rid of government waste is to stop giving it money."
- Ron Paul

"Libertarians: Keeping the government out of your bedroom and out of your wallet."
- Unknown

Me at work: I’ll figure it out eventually...

Just let me panic and be dramatic first

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

$ pip install commonsense

Public education is like being drunk: it makes you think you know more than what you actually do.

I quit my job as a town crier.

It was nothing to shout about.

Why do innuendos and double entendres drive you crazy?

Cause they're a Hintfinite loop.

Women who live in tall buildings have long hair.

Yeah, how else is a prince going to save them?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The students won't cheat in exams if they value their learning more than we value their grades.

Teach your children early what you learned late.

Not all those who wander are lost.

–– J. R. R. Tolkien

Twitter is cool because somewhere across the world someone you don’t know hates you.

Fuck rich and famous.

I wanna be wealthy and anonymous.

“Using a term like nonlinear science is like referring to the bulk of zoology as the study of non-elephant animals.”
– Stanislaw Ulam

You can be whatever you want, so be the person who ends meetings early.

I'm not particularly fond of people who fly in private jets to a meeting where they discuss how to take away my car and feed me bugs...

If god has a plan then what the fuck are you praying for?

You know you are meant for each other when you're both taking the same meds.

Don't stop until you proud.

Being an airport baggage handler is more complicated than I thought.

There's a lot to take on board.

Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours.

If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark will drop by 50%.

Eat whatever you want, and if someone calls you fat, eat them too.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with rent or bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.

If you hear weird noises in the night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance.

Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.

Modern dancing is simple. You just write your name in the air with your ass.

Don't spend too much money on expensive headphones. That's….sound advice.

Is your kid driving you crazy? Play hide and seek with them. Tell them to hide, and you count up to 1000.

How to Avoid Being Stressed at Work:
Don’t go to work.

Feeling sad after a break-up? Fill a rubber glove with water so you always have a hand to hold!

Feel lonely at night? Watch a horror film before bed and you'll never feel alone again!

Reverse racism is racism.

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.

If you stared at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.

Never do a whole job when a half job will do.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.

It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.

If you leave your wipers up, an officer won’t be able to leave a fine. Your money will be saved.

No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.

If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.

Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.

If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.

If any guy tries to hurt you, tell him I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.

If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.