Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've deviced a new labour saving idea. It's called Tomorrow!

— Крым наш!
— А богатства родины?
— А вот это уже экстремизм!

I met a really great Dairy farmer in Qatar.
He was a Milk Sheikh.

The pilot who thought he was above everyone else has a real altitude problem.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... It makes the girlfriend look like she's moving during sex !!

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die murdered or in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Anyone know any football jokes? I’ll, er, kick it off.

*throws butter out the window*

Me: look at that butterfly.

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my three brothers...

Q: Why can't you prosecute someone for stealing 23 cans of beer?
A: You won't have a case.

Kinda sexy how you put those handcuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: WTF is wrong with you.

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch.
Teacher asked him what's wrong.
Embarrased, he said he'd just been circumcised & was really itchy. !
Teacher told him to go and phone his mum for advice.
He comes back with his cock hangin out!
Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing"?
"Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come & get me.

I asked my doctor why I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, etc. He told me I'm just having Disney spells.

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Wonton .

“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.”
— Seneca

To kill a French vampire you must drive a baguette through its heart...
It may sound easy,
but it's *pain'staking*.

I'm fed up with food puns.

Clint Eastwood opened up a child care center.
It's called "Go Ahead And Make My Daycare".

Took my car in for a service earlier. Should’ve seen the look I got off the priest.

Генеральному директору требуется помощница. Главное требование -стать его правой рукой.

Some guy at a pet store tried to sell me a spider. Ridiculous. I can get one much cheaper off the web.

Someone called my cellphone, and when I answered they coughed and sneezed before hanging up... Not the first cold call I’ve received recently.

Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance, you must keep moving

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts.

What religion are doctors?
Orthodocs.

Why did the accountant go crazy?
He started to hear invoices in his head.

Иногда я думаю, а как далеко заходят лысые, когда просто решают умыть лицо...

When making bean soup you should only use two hundred and thirty nine beans.
If you used one more it would be two farty.

Dad: Wanna go fishing with me?

Son: No. You never catch anything.

Dad: It’s not called Catching. It’s called Fishing.

Why is it called a "building" when it's already built???

I tried my first soft drink. It was sodalicious!

Одна девочка заблудилась в лесу и от страха дала дубу.

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won’t believe what happened next.

What do you call a Cow on a Elevator.
Raising the steaks.

- Доктор, почему я чувствую себя вялым и слабым?
- Вы просто вялый слабак.

- Почему математики не играют в лотерею?
- Потому что они её придумали.

How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.

Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards?
I said, “not now”...

Do you build a house by constructing it? Or
Do you construct a house by building it?

У живущих в жопе кругозор ограничен диаметром ануса.

Dentist: "You need a crown."
-
Me: "Finally someone who understands!"

Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a Ph.D. and still be an idiot.

I used to hate time travel when I was older.

"Es mejor ser rey de tu silencio que esclavo de tus palabras."

Where in Ireland would you find the most South Park fans? Kilkenny.

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I’m gonna live on two bucks for the rest of 2021. -But first I need my hunting license renewed.

Here's this weeks weather forecast:
Tomorrow will be Muggy...This will be followed by Tuggy, Weggy, Thuggy and Friggy!!!

The psychiatrist’s patient said she could kill for a cup of coffee. His notes reflected: patient has Latte Homicidal Tendencies.

I asked my girlfriend if she could help me write my Will.
She said "Sure, leave it all to me"

Seriously trying to determine how “b” worked its way into the middle of doubt.

Turns out when Cooking all I have in common with Gordon Ramsey is Bad Language!

I just heard that NBC canceled plans for a new TV series based around the lives of staff at American Airlines and their passengers.
The pilot failed to take off.

I was going to do a course on String Theory, but I didn't know how long it was going to be.

If dogs actually understood people, they wouldn’t like us at all.

Most Men will receive their first flowers at their funeral only.

Бабушке, купившей пылесос за 100 тысяч рублей, теперь не на что мусорить.

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

She fell in love with her Cardiologist, because he told her she had a good heart.

Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

Do u know any facts about matter?
Matter of fact i do.

Лето, когда утром поют птицы, а ночью комары...

You can usually tell when it’s summer in Britain because the rain is warmer.

I had an idea for a pizza delivery drone, but was told the idea was a pie in the sky.

So I got mugged at Victoria station and I started crying.
Then a policeman came up to me and said: "I’m fining you £10".
I said: "For crying out loud".
He said: "Yes".

A truck carrying a load of candy crashed! It was a candy crush!

Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A.

Why did the dolphin go to Hollywood?
Because he wanted to be a star-fish..

I got a job working as a bullet.

I was fired immediately!

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime, and water has started to yield concrete results.

My boss said he was sick of my silly Country puns..
I promised him I'd stop because I don't want it to damage my Korea.

What did the preacher say when his roses started to wilt?
Let us spray.

Sometimes I wonder why no one laughs at my jokes during virtual meetings. My wife says it’s because I’m not even remotely funny.

Future you probably hates you.

"If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
-- Schopenhauer

I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

A friend's pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

Обнаружен мальчик воспитанный каментами. Он все время срет.