Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I saw Freddie Mercury at the airport. He was singing "carry on, carry on, nothing really matters..."

I’m gonna live on two bucks for the rest of 2021. -But first I need my hunting license renewed.

Here's this weeks weather forecast:
Tomorrow will be Muggy...This will be followed by Tuggy, Weggy, Thuggy and Friggy!!!

The psychiatrist’s patient said she could kill for a cup of coffee. His notes reflected: patient has Latte Homicidal Tendencies.

I asked my girlfriend if she could help me write my Will.
She said "Sure, leave it all to me"

Seriously trying to determine how “b” worked its way into the middle of doubt.

Turns out when Cooking all I have in common with Gordon Ramsey is Bad Language!

I just heard that NBC canceled plans for a new TV series based around the lives of staff at American Airlines and their passengers.
The pilot failed to take off.

I was going to do a course on String Theory, but I didn't know how long it was going to be.

If dogs actually understood people, they wouldn’t like us at all.

Most Men will receive their first flowers at their funeral only.

Бабушке, купившей пылесос за 100 тысяч рублей, теперь не на что мусорить.

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

She fell in love with her Cardiologist, because he told her she had a good heart.

Neighbor: Why isn't your cat moving? He's just standing there!
Me: Oh, that's because he's on paws...

Do u know any facts about matter?
Matter of fact i do.

Лето, когда утром поют птицы, а ночью комары...

You can usually tell when it’s summer in Britain because the rain is warmer.

I had an idea for a pizza delivery drone, but was told the idea was a pie in the sky.

So I got mugged at Victoria station and I started crying.
Then a policeman came up to me and said: "I’m fining you £10".
I said: "For crying out loud".
He said: "Yes".

A truck carrying a load of candy crashed! It was a candy crush!

Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A.

Why did the dolphin go to Hollywood?
Because he wanted to be a star-fish..

I got a job working as a bullet.

I was fired immediately!

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime, and water has started to yield concrete results.

My boss said he was sick of my silly Country puns..
I promised him I'd stop because I don't want it to damage my Korea.

What did the preacher say when his roses started to wilt?
Let us spray.

Sometimes I wonder why no one laughs at my jokes during virtual meetings. My wife says it’s because I’m not even remotely funny.

Future you probably hates you.

"If you want to reach a large audience, appeal to idiots.”
-- Schopenhauer

I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

A friend's pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

Обнаружен мальчик воспитанный каментами. Он все время срет.

- Утопите уже кто-нибудь эту жизнерадостную тварь!
- Ура! Ура!! Мы идем нырять!!!!

What do you call an unsmart finger?
Knucklehead.

Who is the fastest runner of all time?

Adam, because he came first in the human race!

Что русский кратко скажет матом,
то итальянцу час махать.

I actually know quite a few jokes in sign language, and I can guarantee no one’s ever heard them before …

One proctologist's decision to choose his specialty was just the fecal finger of fate.

Today i plan on being as useful as the letter G in Lasagna.

Это был обычный солнечный день, ничто не предвещало беды. И тут жена спросила:
- Я не толстая?

I told an offensive joke last time I performed Comedy in Croatia.
The audience were Split.

I can't wait to walk down the aisle again one day... and hear those magical words...

"This is your Captain speaking..."

I wanted to join the photography club, but they were too clicky.

If you get scared half to death, twice. Then you're 3/4 dead!

what does the shirt say to the pants?
what's up britches...

An amoeba walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Pay the tab before you split.”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.She felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioner.

Someone has used my bank details to buy some men’s aftershave.
I think my card has been cologned !

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize?

Why are electricians not called Power Rangers?

My parents went doggy style when they made me, por eso sali bien perra. )

Just seen a Screw and and a Nail having a drink in the Pub..
The Nail was Hammered..

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

Has anyone seen a camouflage jacket ?

A man knocked on my door trying to sell me some sunglasses. I thought he was a shady character.

10 years ago I married my best friend.
The wife was really cross, but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking.
Jk! Rowling.

BREAKING NEWS
The thief who stole a van full of laxatives has now gone on the run.

I know it's a long shot but does anyone have a trebuchet I can borrow?

People mature when they go from "It's okay, don't cry" to "It's okay, cry".

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it.

Why does escalator maintenance take so long?
….it is a step by step process

- Рядовой Рабинович, представьте себе, что вы оказались один на один с врагом. Какие шаги вы будете предпринимать?
- Большие.

Man goes to the doctor with part tyre marks across his chest .
Doctor asks "Whats the problem ?"
Man says "I'm feeling a bit run down"

A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.

I went to the doctor and said, I keep thinking I'm Moses. He said, ill give you tablets for that.

My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

how do you calm and upset english teacher?
there, their, they're

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
He always refers to me as the 'Sun He Never Had'.

What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
White vans.

He who hogs the sheets is usually very wrapped up in himself.

How did Noah see in the dark? He used his flood lights.

I almost had a threesome tonight, all I needed was two more people.!!!!!

To all the Psychics out there. You know what I think about you.

Where does a bee sit?
On its bee-hind.

Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds....

My father ran the marathon but my mother was a sprinter.
It was hard growing up with mixed-race parents.

People from the Netherlands are Dutch, but are native to Holland.
They don't speak Hollandish nor Netherese.
It's all double Dutch to me.