Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby "I must confess I was a hooker"
He says "Thats ok. Your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it".

She says "My name was Dave & I played for Wigan Warriors"

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting
"The end of the world is Nigh"
it was Farmer Geddon.

When a Pharmacist gets sick,
does the Doctor give him a taste of his own Medicine?

I brought a bureau the other day,
I opened it up and 14 people fell out,
It seems it was a missing persons bureau.

I said to the chemist, "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?"

He said, "Why?"

I said, "She keeps fucking waking up."!!!

Дмитрий Донской стоял на Куликовом поле с плакатом "Иго, go!" и дико ржал.

I finally found out how to make a woman go Mmmmmmmmmmmm all through the night ........................

I used Duct tape !!

I saw a guy in the park the other day pinned under a fallen tree.

"Get help!" he shouted.

"Fuck you," I replied, swigging out my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help, I can quit anytime."

I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, i only got up to P.

Why did one beer take his beer friend to school?
To make a *Bud-wiser*

I never claimed to be perfect. That would be conceited, and if I were conceited I wouldn’t be perfect!

Q) How can you tell pilots think they are better than everyone else .
A) because they always look down on people .

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie!

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

The sketching contest final has ended up in a draw.

Those who draft designs for sneakers on paper are called Skechers.

I often make Castration jokes,
willy nilly.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a daisy????
A cauliflower.

Did you hear the one about the butcher who forgot to lock the door of his shop? So many mistakes...

Waitress: Hello sir, may I have your order?
Customer: No, it’s mine.

Phil Collins just sold his house. Now he’s renting a stu-stu-studio.

Tried feeding the animals at the museum but they were already stuffed...

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion ?
A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

In a local trial, an ophthalmologist was called to testify because she was the only eyewitness.

Fun Fact of The Day
Phil Collins isn’t his real name.
It’s a Sussudionym...

Lady to cockney in London. “ how do I get to
the the Albert hall please “ cockney answers, “
Practice lady, practice. “

Даже в дерьме можно найти конфетку. Но что с ней потом делать?

Suicide is illegal because it’s destruction of government property.

I have an irrational fear of Warrior Princesses!
I'm a Xena-phobe.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Her: I'd like to report my husband missing.

Me: hey I'm right here.

Her: I only said I'd "like to".

I was once attacked by a camera.
I still get flashbacks.

- Что будет, если Путина поставить директором школы?
- Что?
- Перемен не будет.

When I first moved to the US, a kid at my school named Barry told me that there's a place I can go to read books and do research. I told him "It's a lie, Barry."

I dont have a six pack but people say i'm ab-normal

This painting "The Wind In The Leaves" is from his Blew period.

She was so clueless that she called a plumber when she heard about a security leak!

Настоящие друзья это те, кто с вами остался после того, как вы бросили пить.

1st anchor: Why is the ocean blue?
2nd anchor: I don't know, but I'm sure that we'll get to the bottom of it.

На фотографиях я выгляжу гораздо моложе. Особенно на школьных.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

I think ladders should be illegal. All people do is get high on them!

Did you hear about the man who sold his car,
To get some money for petrol?

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack""No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A bee and an astronomer got married. Straight after the wedding they went on their honeymoon.

To catch thieves stealing blankets one cop went undercover!

Sky News: 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!
I can't believe they all had the same name !!!!

Two flies are playing football in a saucer.
One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”

My pet rock was tragically decapitated. I guess I’ll need to get him a headstone.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

Finally been accepted to the Secret Club. I can't tell you how excited I am.

— Как выходные? — Темно, светло, темно, светло, понедельник.

Fishermen seldom make good standup comedians but sometimes they’ll come up with some nice one liners.

The other day, I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. Now, he's not there anymore...

--Steven Wright

What do you call a Christmas wreath that is made of $100 bills??? Aretha Franklins!!

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about...?

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
— Jean Paul Sartre

I was attacked by a herd of cows.
I'm okay.
I was just grazed.

I have a joke about a flat tire, but I’ll spare you from it.

I wish I worked for the Royal Mint. I hear you can make a lot of money.

I have to confess to my wife that I have erectile dysfunction. I can’t keep it up any more.

My doctor asked me if I’ve ever had a stroke.
I told him I had seven.
...and that was just on the first hole of the golf course.

My pet shark lost the tip off his back. now it's just a dull fin.

I heard on the news that someone robbed the Tokyo Origami museum in Japan. The Anchor said the story was still unfolding!

What do you do to an open wardrobe?
You closet.

Parachute lessons only £2.
No strings attached.

What do rabbits do after they get married?
Go on a bunny-moon!

When chickens taste strange meat they've never eaten before, do they think it tastes like people...?

Culinary school is easy. The Final exam is a piece of cake.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Went fly fishing today I caught two bluebottles and a wasp.

My new smart phone can only play old Sam Cooke records like “Cupid” and “Another Saturday Night”.
That’s what I get for buying a Sam Sung.

Wife: "Where did you get that trombone?"
Husband: "From him next door."
Wife: "Why? You can't play it."
Husband " I know but neither can he now."

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.
She called me a cheap-skate.

My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?
A cat. Cats love eating fish.

There once was a company that was doomed because nobody in the company had any foresight into the future. It was a non-prophet organization.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me; "Nothing."
Wife; "You did that yesterday."
Me; "Well, I haven't finished."

Burt Bacharach and Sean Connery were having a conversation Burt asked Sean “who is your favourite composer?” Sean thinks for a min and then says “Schubert”
Burt says “thank you very much”

Бездарность всегда рвется к власти, потому что там свои.

Where do crows go to clean up?
The Caw-Wash.