Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Student: Can you tell me what month it is?
English teacher: It's May.
Student: Look, I don't need a grammar lesson. Can you just tell me what month it is?

My wife is 2 years older than me!
Every decade we are the same age!
Now I am 60 and
she is 60 too!

Men who are bald in front are great thinkers. Men who are bald in back are great lovers. Men who are completely bald think they are great lovers.

Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!

What does the dentist call x-rays?
Tooth pics.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces. "No way", says the librarian, "you won't return them".

Штирлиц спросил Кэт: - Вы любите фильмы про любовь?
- Бесспорно! - ответила Кэт.
- А я с порно, - признался Штирлиц.

A new local restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.

Любите только тех, кто любит вас. Потому что у них отличный вкус!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
"HDMI"

Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.

In High School my pick up line to the ladies was "we go together like single ply toilet paper and a good hand washing". I dated very little.

I went to a positive thinking course ,when I got there it was half empty .

McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, 'Clitoris-Creams'.
They carry a guarantee. "One lick and you'll want to eat the box"

Police have warned that a man who stole a stradivarius should not be approached, as he has a history of violins.

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

Points to Ponder!
A Single Apple
is not a Pair!

How does a scarecrow drink? With a straw....

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

A man goes into the police station and says 'A pair of my underpants have been stolen'. The policeman said 'Can you give me a brief description?'

A man said to me 'Life's too shirt'. I said 'You mean too short'. He said 'No, I can only afford two shirts'.

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.

Мы бы давно расстались с Корвалолом, но сердцу не прикажешь.

Two psychics meet on the street. One says "lovely weather at the moment". The other says, "yes, reminds me of the summer of 2022".

Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

My neighbour banged on my wall at 3am this morning ,luckily i was still up listening to music ,and he shouts can you please give me a little respect, and I said coming right up ,I love erasure, too.

Barbers use the latest cutting head technology.

Если ваши дела всё время идут плохо, или они не ваши, или идут не туда.

The school head teacher phoned me yesterday and said “I’m sorry to have to tell you but we’ve had to suspend your son from school for telling lies”

“Well” I replied “Tell him he’s very good. I haven’t got any kids”

A race horse and a cart horse are stabled next to each other. The cart horse says to the race horse, " You have a really easy life! Every morning they put a harness onto me and make me pull a really heavy load! If I don`t go fast enough I get hit with a whip!"
"Hah", says the race horse, " I get to have a human put on my back and made to run and run and run. If I don`t go quick enough I get whacked with a whip!"
Just then a sheepdog walks into the stable. "Listen to you two moaning about life!"
"Flipping heck!" says the race horse, "A talking dog!"

Have you seen the new film “The Tractor”? It had a very good trailer!

I prefer my Kale with a silent K.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"

3 necrophilliacs where talking About how long they prefer a person to be dead before they have sex with them. 1st guy," I like them to be fresh dead, yes." 2nd guy, " I like them 3 days dead, just stinking real bad." 3rd guy says, " I prefer 3 weeks dead." "Why?"
the other 2 exclaim. "Because no matter where I poke, I get penetration!

A man's wife hits him across the head.He says "What's that for?"She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow"she apologizes.A week later she hits him with a frying pan!He say's, "what the fuck was that for?".She replies. "Your fuckin horse phoned this morning !

"These cookies are amazing"
"Thanks, it's a secret family recipe"
..........
"You have a secret family?"
"Yes, don't tell my wife"

I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.

Boss: "Why are you late?"

Me: "I got totally drunk last night and set my calculator for £6.30...."

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

I can’t stand being drunk.
So I usually remain seated.

I was having problems in the bedroom so I went to the doctor's pulled down my pants and pointed at my dick and said 'I think I'm premature'.
She said 'You certainly are I'm the receptionist'.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So i crashed the car,
Then ignored her all day for no reason.

— Кто двигается быстрее: почтовый голубь или лошадь? — Если пешком, то лошадь.

Doctor: "Mr Brown, are you sure you really want to know your test results?"
Patient: "I'm dying to know."
Doctor: "Well funny you should say that . . . . . "

I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

Trying to grow eggplants but I can't figure out how deep to bury the chicken.

My Uncle Artie is always making funny vegetable puns.
I love Artie jokes.

I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas, life was tough and food was scarce but boy did we laugh.

I had a look around a cathedral with my friend Neil but I lost sight of him.
I called his name & 50 visitors dropped to their knees.

My one -legged daughter was so excited. It was her first day on her new job at I Hop!

Someone stole my Queen of Hearts!! I just can't deal with this.

Paradox - two physicians.

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? Because he couldn't keep his calves together.

Sad to read that Bill and Melinda Gates marriage went out the window...

I could tell a wheel joke, but it's tired.

Did you hear about the sad dog made of cantaloupe? He was a melon collie.

Do you know that in Russian
"sock" means "juice",
"so sock" means "nipple",
"bro sock" means "throw"
and "no sock" means "sock"?
Crazy Russians!

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?
There, their, they’re.

A man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife and stabs him to death... His wife says carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!!!

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realise you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping the tears off her face: "When the cheque bounced."

I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

"Can I tell you a secret?" asked the Scarecrow.
"I'm all ears," replied the Cornstalk.

Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.

I've started a deer cloning business to make a quick couple of bucks.

Situación económica: No gracias, estoy mirando.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

Why do you think John Lennon's Mum named him after an airport?

Here's one for you, how many pedantic grammar police does it take to change a light bulb?
Too !

Наш спонсор — доставка из секс—шопа.
Доставка из секс—шопа — вам пизда!

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
—Virginia Woolf

What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?

Spaghetto.

—Me da una pizza

—¿Cómo la quiere?

—Demasiado, más que a nadie en el mundo, cada noche pienso en ella hasta quedarme dormido.