Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was trying to describe to my doctor a pain I was having. He asked me what I’d liken it to. I told him I’d liken it to stop.

Ten interesting facts about Diarrhoea.
Number 2 might surprise you!

Saw a plant cut into the shape of a skeleton. It was a bone-sai tree.

Paddy goes into a pet shop and says,
"Can I buy a goldfish please?"
The assistant says, "Do you want an aquarium?"
Paddy says, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

You know you're in Minnesota when you pass a sign on the highway saying "Welcome to Minnesota".

" Meaningful silence is better than meaningless words."
• Pythagoras

We were arguing about the calculator again, its been causing division in our family.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

Man goes into a pub and says to the barman, “2 pints of fucking lager, and a vodka and coke, you bastard”.
The barman says “You’ve got no chance of getting served with that attitude”. The man says “why”?
The barman says “I will show you how to ask, you get behind the bar and I’ll be the customer”.
The barman says” This is how you should do it”! He then asks “Can i have 2 pints of a lager and a vodka and coke please”?
The man says “Fuck off you wouldn’t serve me”!

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both.

If this Covid-19 shit gets much worse and we all have to start cannibalism, remember : Vegans first.
They are closest to grass fed animals.

- Дорогая, перед раком у нас что...?
- Минет..!
- Тоже верно, но я про гороскоп...!

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.

The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.

“We don't lick people!”
- Lies adults tell kids

I use to be into ham radio
but all I heard was crackling.

Tried erotic suffocation on the girlfriend the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it;
She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

Which was nice of him.

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

I’ve finally gotten rid of all my Winter fat .... it’s all now Spring rolls!

A drunk man staggers into a hotel and asks the receptionist for key to room 210.

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replied, "but that room is occupied,"

"Not at the moment it isn't" the drunk replied, "I just fell out of the fuckin window."!!

What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s nice gnawing you!

Just remember- if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Они расстались и он целыми днями лежал на диване,почесывая своё разбитое сердце.

We were that poor when we were young, our parents used to dilute water to make it last longer.

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

My parents took me to the doctor because I was always asking questions. The doctor told them I’d inherited the Why Chromosome.

Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.

I've ordered a book called "The World's Longest Rivers."
It'll be delivered by Amazon.

When my wife goes into labor, should I just call Domino’s Pizza since they deliver?

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?

Hasta barista baby.

If u don't take your woman out, someone else will. Ask Adam, He left Eve alone for 10 mins & the snake took her out for lunch she even brought takeaway for Adam.

I have a nephew named Violence who's terrible at math.

Violence doesn't solve anything.

What do you say when you give somebody a boomerang for their birthday?

Many happy returns!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I know I do.

Tried a new drink this morning .............Vodka & Listerine

Stops me being a foul mouthed bastard when i'm drunk ....

I was going to make a joke about The Beatles but I figured I’d Let ItBe.

I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Went into a restaurant, looked down the menu and said to the waitress "i'll have the Pissoles, please". She said "what". I said "the Pissoles - they're on the menu". She took a squint at the menu and said "oh, that's a typo, it should begin with an "R".

"OK" I said, I'll have the Arseholes then !!!

I went to an acupuncturist and when I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

If raising children were easy, it wouldn't start with something called labor.

Of all the places I've been, I'd have to say Missouri is the most welcoming. You might say Missouri loves company!

A store was selling paddles 2 for 1. Everyone went crazy. Lineups galore. Almost started a riot. I guess it was a big oar deal.

If Ukraine your neck hard enough, you may just be able to look over the Russian border.

My girlfriend asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

My reply of "Don't worry love, your tits cover it" didn't go down too well !!

Introductions in French....
by Gem Appale

I have a nihilistic joke
But who cares?

Why was the student confused when he went from English class to math class? Because he was taught that a double negative in English is bad, but in math, it’s a positive.

I really miss the people that were born together with me in the same hospital. We cried really hard that day.

There once was a man who didn’t mind paying penalties. He always said “that’s fine.”

Imagine how cool it would be if the Sun switched over to LED.

I can't afford to buy pasta.

I'm penneless.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do!

Beware of the deodorants with instructions that say "remove the top and push up bottom".
They could at least make them round.

Paddy & mick are sat having a pint....A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on,
Paddy says "im gonna do that when i win the lottery" Mick says "wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "no ya silly fecker, send my grass off to be cut...!!!!

The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

Where do hamsters go on vacation?
Hampsterdam!

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Why did the burglar cut off the legs of his bed? He wanted to lay low for a while.

My friend Kiki wants to visit a beach in Hawaii.

I asked her, "Why Kiki?"

Why didn't Noah ever go fishing?
He had only 2 worms.

I didn’t think anyone but me knew why the medicine cabinet smelled like deodorant, but it turned out to be an open Secret.

I before E except after C also except for when you run a feisty heist on foreign neighbors who are atheists reinventing protein at their leisure.

Had an interview for the job as a Camouflage expert last week.
I didn't turn up but got the job.

I'm killing off a couple of characters in the book I'm writing.

It should spice up my auto-biography.

My wife bought me this horrible jacket & somehow she convinced me to wear it, I guess I’m easily suede.

Just wondering, do they use bank notes in the cheque republic?

I keep seeing TIA and never know what it means. Can anyone tell me?

Thanks in advance.

Horse ranchers don't make much but it's stable pay.

My Significant Other: I have changed my mind.

Me: Thank God! Does the new one work?

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a fuckin frog to cut up."

A policeman stopped me today and said can I have your name?
I said no I'm using it.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

No worries though—it’s just a MINER injury.