Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My husband says I have 'selective amnesia' but I can't quite remember what that is?

I was thinking of having a tattoo.
then I realised I don't have enough space and I don't like bagpipes.

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

I asked the recruitment officer what rank do I start at ?
He said sorry thats private !!

What happened to the crab that went to the undersea party ?

He pulled a muscle !

Went to the doctors. I said to the receptionist. 'I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me'. 'Which doctor?' she asked. 'Yes, he will do.' I answered.

My wife wanted a puppy,
but I didn't want a puppy.
So we compromised,
and got a puppy.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.

What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Imprisonmint.

Just watched a film about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

"Larga vida a mis enemigos, para que puedan ver mi gloria." Bob Marley

I love watching movies with strong female leads. I'm a heroine addict.

Watching a movie with my girl tonight.. Can anyone recommend a good girl?

Что говорит режиссёр порнофильмов, когда увольняется?
- Теперь ебитесь, как хотите...

Got a job making plastic Dracula's,
There are only two of us on the production line.
So l make every second count..

My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.

She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."

No matter how old you are, an empty gift wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.

Из бывших романтиков получаются отличные алкоголики.

What do you call a short mother?
Minimum.

Lightning hit our local orchestra while playing in the bandstand, they were all ok though thanks to the conductor.

“The stork came to our house last night.”
“Was it a boy or a girl?”
“Well,we don’t know yet.We have it chained to the porch,and if it lays an egg,it’s a girl.”

Я ей комплимент, а она- уберите руки, уберите руки!

This liquid diet crap is a scam.
I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.

What should a man call a wink from his wife?
Wife eye connection.

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’

Guy went to the doctors, telling him that he had a problem with his feet. He said me big toe is where my little toe is a the little toe is where the big toe is.
Doctor had a look and said it was the worst case of myxomatosis he had seen...

The canoe glided across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn't.

My Korean friend was going to make his wife a secret dinner for Mothers day but someone let the cat out of the bag.

After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning,As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight"

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?”
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Why is the sea so strong?

It's strong because it has so many mussels.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

Student: Can you tell me what month it is?
English teacher: It's May.
Student: Look, I don't need a grammar lesson. Can you just tell me what month it is?

My wife is 2 years older than me!
Every decade we are the same age!
Now I am 60 and
she is 60 too!

Men who are bald in front are great thinkers. Men who are bald in back are great lovers. Men who are completely bald think they are great lovers.

Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!

What does the dentist call x-rays?
Tooth pics.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces. "No way", says the librarian, "you won't return them".

Штирлиц спросил Кэт: - Вы любите фильмы про любовь?
- Бесспорно! - ответила Кэт.
- А я с порно, - признался Штирлиц.

A new local restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.

Любите только тех, кто любит вас. Потому что у них отличный вкус!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
"HDMI"

Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.

In High School my pick up line to the ladies was "we go together like single ply toilet paper and a good hand washing". I dated very little.

I went to a positive thinking course ,when I got there it was half empty .

McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, 'Clitoris-Creams'.
They carry a guarantee. "One lick and you'll want to eat the box"

Police have warned that a man who stole a stradivarius should not be approached, as he has a history of violins.

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

Points to Ponder!
A Single Apple
is not a Pair!

How does a scarecrow drink? With a straw....

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.

A man goes into the police station and says 'A pair of my underpants have been stolen'. The policeman said 'Can you give me a brief description?'

A man said to me 'Life's too shirt'. I said 'You mean too short'. He said 'No, I can only afford two shirts'.

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.

Мы бы давно расстались с Корвалолом, но сердцу не прикажешь.

Two psychics meet on the street. One says "lovely weather at the moment". The other says, "yes, reminds me of the summer of 2022".

Once upon a time in France, 3 kittens were playing on a frozen pond. Suddenly, the ice broke and un, deux, trois, cat sank!

My neighbour banged on my wall at 3am this morning ,luckily i was still up listening to music ,and he shouts can you please give me a little respect, and I said coming right up ,I love erasure, too.

Barbers use the latest cutting head technology.

Если ваши дела всё время идут плохо, или они не ваши, или идут не туда.

The school head teacher phoned me yesterday and said “I’m sorry to have to tell you but we’ve had to suspend your son from school for telling lies”

“Well” I replied “Tell him he’s very good. I haven’t got any kids”

A race horse and a cart horse are stabled next to each other. The cart horse says to the race horse, " You have a really easy life! Every morning they put a harness onto me and make me pull a really heavy load! If I don`t go fast enough I get hit with a whip!"
"Hah", says the race horse, " I get to have a human put on my back and made to run and run and run. If I don`t go quick enough I get whacked with a whip!"
Just then a sheepdog walks into the stable. "Listen to you two moaning about life!"
"Flipping heck!" says the race horse, "A talking dog!"

Have you seen the new film “The Tractor”? It had a very good trailer!

I prefer my Kale with a silent K.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

Mad Mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.
Mad Joe stopped her & asked 4 her licence.
"Shit" she said & sped off around another corner Mad Jim then stoppd her & asked 4 insurance.
"Fuck" she said & took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standin stark naked with a massive erection.
"Oh no" she said. "Not the breathalizer again!"

3 necrophilliacs where talking About how long they prefer a person to be dead before they have sex with them. 1st guy," I like them to be fresh dead, yes." 2nd guy, " I like them 3 days dead, just stinking real bad." 3rd guy says, " I prefer 3 weeks dead." "Why?"
the other 2 exclaim. "Because no matter where I poke, I get penetration!

A man's wife hits him across the head.He says "What's that for?"She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow"she apologizes.A week later she hits him with a frying pan!He say's, "what the fuck was that for?".She replies. "Your fuckin horse phoned this morning !

"These cookies are amazing"
"Thanks, it's a secret family recipe"
..........
"You have a secret family?"
"Yes, don't tell my wife"

I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.

Boss: "Why are you late?"

Me: "I got totally drunk last night and set my calculator for £6.30...."

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

I can’t stand being drunk.
So I usually remain seated.

I was having problems in the bedroom so I went to the doctor's pulled down my pants and pointed at my dick and said 'I think I'm premature'.
She said 'You certainly are I'm the receptionist'.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.