Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So i crashed the car,
Then ignored her all day for no reason.

— Кто двигается быстрее: почтовый голубь или лошадь? — Если пешком, то лошадь.

Doctor: "Mr Brown, are you sure you really want to know your test results?"
Patient: "I'm dying to know."
Doctor: "Well funny you should say that . . . . . "

I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

Trying to grow eggplants but I can't figure out how deep to bury the chicken.

My Uncle Artie is always making funny vegetable puns.
I love Artie jokes.

I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas, life was tough and food was scarce but boy did we laugh.

I had a look around a cathedral with my friend Neil but I lost sight of him.
I called his name & 50 visitors dropped to their knees.

My one -legged daughter was so excited. It was her first day on her new job at I Hop!

Someone stole my Queen of Hearts!! I just can't deal with this.

Paradox - two physicians.

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? Because he couldn't keep his calves together.

Sad to read that Bill and Melinda Gates marriage went out the window...

I could tell a wheel joke, but it's tired.

Did you hear about the sad dog made of cantaloupe? He was a melon collie.

Do you know that in Russian
"sock" means "juice",
"so sock" means "nipple",
"bro sock" means "throw"
and "no sock" means "sock"?
Crazy Russians!

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?
There, their, they’re.

A man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife and stabs him to death... His wife says carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!!!

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realise you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping the tears off her face: "When the cheque bounced."

I absolutely HATE Underaged Drinking!!!
A good Scotch should be at least 20 years old!!!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

"Can I tell you a secret?" asked the Scarecrow.
"I'm all ears," replied the Cornstalk.

Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.

I've started a deer cloning business to make a quick couple of bucks.

Situación económica: No gracias, estoy mirando.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

Why do you think John Lennon's Mum named him after an airport?

Here's one for you, how many pedantic grammar police does it take to change a light bulb?
Too !

Наш спонсор — доставка из секс—шопа.
Доставка из секс—шопа — вам пизда!

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."
—Virginia Woolf

What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?

Spaghetto.

—Me da una pizza

—¿Cómo la quiere?

—Demasiado, más que a nadie en el mundo, cada noche pienso en ella hasta quedarme dormido.

В семье главного режиссера Театра Юного Зрителя ролевые игры добрые и назидательные.

I have no idea what carbon dating is, but I'll try anything at this point.

I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

My girlfriends boobies be in the seat belt like%

My wife just won Rod Stewart concert tickets.
I'm unable to attend, but her friend Maggie may go with her.

Лечим от переспрашивания. Клиника «Конь в пальто», город Караганда.

Жена в поте лица консервировала овощи, а муж, развалившись в кресле, любовался на этот закат.

It's unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.

Did you hear about the gay whale?.. No .. well legend has it.. that he attacked a ship and swallowed all the “seamen”.

Что такое толерантность? Это когда люди дружат с неграми и геями.

My chauffeur takes me to a bar whenever I say a bad word.
I swear, he drives me to drink!

You come from dust and you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I knew.

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away and lock him up.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

My wife was going through her wardrobe and she says, 'look at this? I tried it on and it still fits me after 25 years.'
I said 'It's a scarf.'

"Number 61, your time's up"
"We only have 20 boats, Jimmy."
"Number 19, do you require assistance?"

He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

I gave up writing a book on swear words in braille, it just felt wrong.

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?
Some big ass hands.

I knew my marriage was over when "'til death do us part" became less of a promise and more of an objective!

Right, this time I'm gonna try and go at least a month without any innuendos. Touch wood.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other: "I say, Bill, your wife makes a great meal!"

Вчера нашел свою вторую половинку, всю ночь мерял, не моя...

- Пааап, а мне сегодня сказали, что я невоспитанный!
- Надо было на хуй послать!

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
– Voltaire

В женщине должна быть маленькая загадка, а не суперкроссворд и не ребус на две страницы.

Женщины никогда не прощают нам ошибок. А зачастую - и своих собственных.

In the word ‘laughter’, the letter L comes first.
The rest of the others come aughter it.

- Рабинович, вы служили в армии?
- Меня таки не взяли.
- Как не взяли?!
- Не нашли.

Bill and Melinda Gates just announced their divorce after 27 years of marriage. Unfortunately, she was tired of him being in the Office365 days a year, but at least he’ll have a new Outlook in life.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

17971
is a prime example
of a palindrome.

A man is like a shoelace.
He has to go through many holes
before he ties the knot.

What do lions wear while exercising?
Leotards.

Which Olympic sport generates the most conversation ?

Discus.

Is a bathroom still a bathroom if there is no bath in the room?

Huge sale at the tyre store, they're having a big blow out.

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.
~Marcus Aurelius

Which way did the programmer go? He went data way.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word!

When I was young I used to think I was a werewolf. But I am all right NHOOOOOOOW.

Shop customer to owner, "Hi, I'm Mrs Bell". Ah, replied the shop owner, "You must be the one who rang earlier".

"I recognise you, you're a member of the Denial Society." "No I'm not".

Mother hens show their chicks how to behave by setting a good eggsample.

What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.