Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Если я буду таким, как все, то кто будет таким, как я?

My late wife was never punctual.......

Introverts of the world, Keep it to yourself!!!

How does a chicken leave its coop? By the eggsit.

What do you get when you mix elephants with kangaroos?
Earthquakes in Australia.

Ive just had a " Pelican pizza " at the local dominos restaurant, it was really tasty, but the fuckin Bill was enormous !!!!

Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After cake!!!!

Who put semen in the basement?
I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?
They're both ready to eat you.

Как гласит древняя китайская мудрость, любую херню можно оправдать древней китайской мудростью.

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man."
~T.S. Eliot

I just heard the term "Toxic Positivity" and it feels so liberating to finally have a label for that vibe.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.

My wife disagrees.

Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden.

Ever get to a point where you thought everything was pointless?

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

I'm at the doctors surgery and they don't know why I have this nasty rash on my balls.

Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients in the waiting room are fuckin clueless !!

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"

Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

Most of them are Tellers.

If you are rich, you are already 99% hot.

Do you realize every time you put your glasses on you make a spectacle of yourself?

I've been trying to give up innuendos, but it's really hard. Not sure I can pull it off

I've just heard the inventor of predictive text is I'll. I hope he gets we'll soon.

The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday.
It was all going well...
until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I love the BBC’s programs about space and time. I hope they continuum.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.

People who have Only Fans should just invest in air conditioning.

What do you call shoe's made with banana's?
Slippers.

If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.

— Слава Богу, дозвонился.
— Какой Слава?

- Катя, а у тебя кто-то был до меня?
- Саша, ты что, дурак? Посмотри на часы. Пять утра! Все ещё спят!

I saw my ex this evening , to make a long story short
i was arrested .
Apparently i was only supposed to
I D the body not fuck it.

Asked my mate if he’d ever had a blow job, he said yes. I said what do they taste like?

What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.

Grand father talking with his grandson and says.
Son don't ever marry a woman with big hands.
The boy says,why grandpa?
Grandpa says, well son if she has big hands it will make your dick look small...

A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg asked his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

"Congratulations, Shlomo," said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your life.''

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," replied Moshe.

"I know," replied his uncle.

Today my rabbi knocked at my door asking for a small donation towards the local mikva. I gave him a glass of water.

Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

What's the difference between a Jewish mother-in-law and a Rottweiler? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”

Shapiro walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four: One to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” say his friend, “we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”

A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”

A cargo ship full of yo-yos hit an iceberg this week.
So far it’s sank 44 times!

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

What's the ideal weight of a mother-in-law?
1 to 2 lbs including the urn.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Ive just seen a man on a tractor shouting "Its the end of the world, its the end of the world!"
It was Farmer Geddon.!!!

Just when you think you knew all the possible text abrieviations, then there's these:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse
(_o_) i took it up the arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
and my personal favourite
(_x_) kiss my arse! ...

"I'm Pete."
"I'm Peter."
"That's not a competition."

Me and my mate are so crap at pool that we played each other and we both lost .

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

Just moved into my new flat.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.

I met a woman in a bar and took her home. We started getting busy and I think she wanted me to fuck her in the ear. Every time I tried to stick it in her mouth, she kept turning her head.

Anyone else think Pinocchios acting was a little wooden?

Is a passion for tea called 'infusiasm'?

I took this girl out for a meal last night, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts... but she had a fucking lovely personality, bless her!!